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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH just threatened divorce

116 replies

BridgetDoodle · 12/11/2017 16:48

Hi. Just hoping for a bit of support/hope. Been with my DH for nearly 8 years, nearly married 2 years and have 8 month old DD. Moved into our first house 5 months ago. Generally we were doing very well. I am still on maternity and BF.
He has always been a bit lazy, never really completes a task and I feel like I am responsible for every single thing in the house. I acknowledge I have been nagging him but today he lost his temper and threatened to leave, said he's not going to change and won't be listening to me for the next 50 years. I saw red, took the baby and drove to my parents but actually turned around and went back home, called him and made him come back.
I am heart broken and feel like now he has said this it can't be taken back. I don't know how to go forward. He said he said it to make me listen but no how angry I got I would never have said that to him. Anyone any advice on how to get over it and move forward? TIA

OP posts:
OCSockOrphanage · 12/11/2017 18:15

@jigglytuffs, housework and childcare should be shared, granted, but surely cooking and cleaning is part of the picture. Not suggesting it is either party's sole responsibility, but if you are at home with a baby, then you fill in the odd gaps with cleaning, At least, I did.

OCSockOrphanage · 12/11/2017 18:22

It didn't make me a domestic slave. Maternity leave is not only about playing with your new baby; they need lots of sleep. And I was a very elderly prima gravida at 43, so tiredness is a bit of a blind.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 12/11/2017 18:24

OC, I agree. If one is at home all day then the bulk of the house stuff should fall to them regardless of children or not. Obviously when sick etc the working adult should pitch in more. Days where both are home should be shared.

Most adults wouldn't be happy to have to pay a cleaner or start house stuff after a day at work when their partner has been home all day.

YetAnotherNC2017 · 12/11/2017 18:27

What were you actually asking him to do?

Original poster
BridgetDoodle · 12/11/2017 19:03

Sorry I was doing bedtime. I do 98% of the household chores and cooking. I have no issue with this at all, what I have issue with are the small things that seem insignificant on their own but when it's constant they wear me down- like don't leave your shoes/clothes in a pile when you walk through the front door (he would happily ignore this for weeks if I didn't pick them up), i will do all his ironing and then find it all still in a pile or shoved into the wardrobe wasting my efforts, leaving empty containers in fridges and cupboards, opening multiples of same item as too lazy to reach for the opened item.
I do not want a divorce, this really has been coming to a head over the last 2 weeks. What I was really looking advice on was how to move past those words spoken in anger? Has anyone successfully managed to move forward once the D word was thrown into the mix.
Thank you to everyone for taking the time to comment, even if it's not what I particularly would like to hear I do appreciate it. What I don't appreciate is my parenting being called into question heebiejeebies I respectfully would like to tell you that I have high self worth, hence I am trying to figure out how to nip this in the bud at the first instance. To imply I am setting a bad example to my baby is low and hurtful.

OP posts:
readyforapummelling · 12/11/2017 19:18

Bridget- honestly having a baby tests the most patient of couples.* He was being a total dick threatening divorce but it’s not a deal breaker and with time and communication on both halves you WILL move past it. I say things in anger too that I regret and so does my DH but he knows I love him and I wouldn’t actually walk out.*

Have a good heart to heart with him and just tell him how he has made you feel.* Listen to what he says and take it from there but I wouldn’t throw a relationship down the pan over something said in a hissy fit.*

Quartz2208 · 12/11/2017 19:25

What do you want truthfully. That is the point with which you need to start. Actually say what you want from the relationship. What you are prepare to give and what you need him to give.

Clearly its been building up to this and lines being crossed. Say to him that he is correct that you dont want to spend the next 50 years nagging him to do stuff either. But you also dont want to spend the next 50 years been a slave and picking up after him.

What I dont think you can do is ignore - the words had a trigger point for YOU as well as him

PickAChew · 12/11/2017 19:27

You can start by no longer doing his ironing for him, if he cares so little. You're his wife, not his mum.

Quartz2208 · 12/11/2017 19:31

Maybe some time down with your Mum as well. Calmly say to him that you feel taken for granted, he feels that you nag him. A week(end) away might highlight what you actually do.

dietcokebreaktime · 12/11/2017 19:46

Open the door and shove him out! Can't be doing with these lazy whiney bastards

MissConductUS · 12/11/2017 19:50

I.agree with ready It is a very stressful time. Men also feel a loss of freedom when they first become fathers, but it doesn't excuse his words or behavior . If you both want to move past it you can.

As to his other bad or careless or annoying behavior, it sounds like overlooked it in the past and covered for him, but now don't have the time or energy. It wasn't easy but we have taught our 17 year old son to manage his clothes and wash his own dishes. Did he ever live on his own before you married him? You need to have a discussion about his expectations that you'll forever be cleaning up after him.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 12/11/2017 19:52

don't leave your shoes/clothes in a pile when you walk through the front door
If it were me I'd say "I find it so disrespectful that after I spend time making the house clean and tidy for both of us, you then do that. It's like you're sticking 2 fingers up at me". I'd also show him the blog post she divorced me because I left dishes by the sink. If he didn't improve I'd warn him that stuff left like that gets booted out the front door, then do it.

i will do all his ironing and then find it all still in a pile or shoved into the wardrobe wasting my efforts
He'd be asked WTF he did that, and told in no uncertain terms that is it happened again he'd be doing his own ironing from then on. And I'd carry out that threat.

CPtart · 12/11/2017 19:54

He'll have to do a hell of a lot more if you split and he has responsibility for his DD 3.5 days a week. Tell him that. Nasty man.

Buck3t · 12/11/2017 19:57

I agree with HeebieJeebies. However, you’re not ready for the reality of your situation and if you weren’t a new mum it may not even bother you as much.

Everyone’s relationships are different and if you are happy to be treated this way and only need to get past the remark then all I can say is time is all you need.

sonjadog · 12/11/2017 20:03

I think your best chance of having a good relationship in the future is by actually taking him at his word now. Tell him that you think you should split for a while, because you can´t live with his behaviour and he has said he won´t be changing. If you back down now, you have shown that he can do less and less and you will put up with it. 50 years of so little respect from your partner will leave you worn down and miserable. I don´t think he actually wants to split, he just wants you to do everything and him to do nothing. When he realizes what he has put on the line, he may very well change his tune. But if he doesn´t, while it will be very painful for a time, you will have freed your life from being someone else´s drudge.

Cornishclio · 12/11/2017 20:05

Yes, of course you can get past it. We all say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment. I am presuming you don't want him to leave because he is a bit untidy and lazy and he probably doesn't either but he obviously snapped, whether through tiredness from having a young baby in the house and that typical male syndrome where some men feel as if they have been put to the bottom of the pile because inevitably your energy is being drained by the new small member of the family.

That was my experience when I had a toddler and a small baby and my OH blew a gasket one night because I moaned at him for not organising a boiler repair man and he decided to walk out and book himself into a hotel for the night. I phoned him but he did not answer so I phoned a friend who said it was probably the straw that broke the camels back because he had come in from a long day at work to me nagging him. She acknowledged I had a point but said maybe when I thought about it I could have handled things better too and she was right. He came back very apologetic the following day and we talked and cleared the air and we were quite honestly both shattered from life and small kids. We are still married 30 years later and now grandparents so just talk to him when you are both calm and try and come to some middle ground.

Lily2007 · 12/11/2017 20:09

I wouldn't take it terribly seriously when said in an argument, it just said in frustration and I don't think its what he wants at all, he wants not to be told to do things. It's not an uncommon thing to be said in arguments.

However, it is only right that tasks are shared fairly. I wouldn't be doing things for him, he's not your child. I would sit done when you are both calm and work a plan out.

Worriedrose · 12/11/2017 20:30

He is seriously taking you for a mug
He knows you won't say "go on then fucking divorce me"
He knows you'll just suck it up, and now that he's said he's going to do fuck all to help, he's going to use that constantly.
In the "well I said I wasn't going to do anymore and if you didn't like it then you should have said divorce me"

We shall see you back here in a few years with a couple more kids, utterly ground down. And by then he'll probably have taken on a hobby that costs thousands and gets him out of the house all weekend and 3 nights a week.

And I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm saying it, because if he can't sit down and talk about the load that you're enduring and need help with, then you're on a hiding to nowhere. Literally

Worriedrose · 12/11/2017 20:32

Basic fact is. If you're going to make a threat then you need to learn the consequences of the follow through.

FredericaFreiheit · 12/11/2017 20:37

I get that you want to move past this OP, but you won't do that by ignoring the root of the problem. This is not just about forgetting what he's said, but also understanding why this is so upsetting for you.

  1. As other posters have said 'nagging' is a misogynistic word used to demean women. If we complain, we are 'nags' and need to STFU (men, on the other hand, are speaking out and standing up for themselves). You have every right to ask your husband to tidy up after himself. You have a child together - you shouldn't have to be his mother too.
  1. Why are you ironing his shirts so that he can leave them in a pile in his wardrobe? Confused What has made you into this martyr? Is this a role that your own mother played? Would you cook him meals that he doesn't eat? Stop wasting your time and do something that prioritises your wellbeing - read a good book, call a friend, take a bath - value your time.
gillybeanz · 12/11/2017 21:00

OP, I'm not suggesting you should listen to me.

This was me and dh with ds1 about the same age too.
Both of us have threatened to leave once and we agreed that the next time either of us said it, that would be it and taken seriously.
You can't live with this threat for the next 50 years.
We have just celebrated our silver wedding, and have had a few times when we haven't agreed, but the threat of one of us suggesting it just isn't there.

NannyOggsKnickers · 12/11/2017 21:06

Don’t listen to the hyperbolic posts about the misogyny of your relationship. This is the reality of being on mat leave with a partner working full time. Resentment builds up in both of you because if the petty things. And because you have to work so hard to make any quality time together.
It sounds like you need to readjust your set up slightly so you are both happier.
Unless you talk through what is bothering you then you’ll never have good communication. And I say this as someone who’s default move in an argument is to storm out.

Mumsnut · 12/11/2017 21:08

Is your baby breast fed? If not, I suggest you agree with your husband that divorce would be a good idea, say you'll see the baby every other weekend and Wednesday nights, and leave then and there.

It shouldn't take long.

TDHManchester · 12/11/2017 21:12

"Well, to be fair, I wouldn't want to spend the next 50 years with someone who nagged me all the time, either."

But to a greater or lesser extent, that's what women do.

All the signs are there on your wedding day;
Aisle
Alter
Hymn

haba · 12/11/2017 21:18

What are you on about, TDH?
What do aisles and altars have to do with anything?

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