DH just threatened divorce

[BridgetDoodle]

Hi. Just hoping for a bit of support/hope. Been with my DH for nearly 8 years, nearly married 2 years and have 8 month old DD. Moved into our first house 5 months ago. Generally we were doing very well. I am still on maternity and BF.
He has always been a bit lazy, never really completes a task and I feel like I am responsible for every single thing in the house. I acknowledge I have been nagging him but today he lost his temper and threatened to leave, said he's not going to change and won't be listening to me for the next 50 years. I saw red, took the baby and drove to my parents but actually turned around and went back home, called him and made him come back.
I am heart broken and feel like now he has said this it can't be taken back. I don't know how to go forward. He said he said it to make me listen but no how angry I got I would never have said that to him. Anyone any advice on how to get over it and move forward? TIA

I am a vet.
So he just came in and asked if I was ok and I said no. Managed not to get overly emotional and explain to him that threatening me with what he knows will scare me the most just will not work. He said he said it to scare me in to listening to him, I explained to him what he actually was doing was trying to control me to stop doing what he didn't like. He acknowledged this eventually but still said it wasn't his explicit intent to control just wanted me to listen. I told him to never ever say it again, I will not live in fear of him using that against me so if he does he better be prepared to pack a bag and go out the front door.
I told him I realised that I could communicate better with him and explained why those small insignificant things to him are big things to me as it's about respecting me. I really think we made a break through with that, before he didn't see why I should care. I said I'm not expecting you to come home and clean bathrooms or do washing but to respect what I have done. He hates me pointing out constant little things or getting mad at him, I made the point that if I am getting to that point again instead of getting angry back could he look inward and realise he needs to increase his efforts again. So I do feel like we heard each other, him more than ever before. We have promised to communicate more to avoid getting to breaking point again.
Thank you so much for the support here and helping me verbalise what I was feeling. Really helped me make my point clear to him. His words have definitely left a bruise but I will try to move forward in a positive manner.

you did well to express yourself in such a clear way on a very recent emotive subject.... stay strong Lady

Well done op, I think you dealt with the whole situation very well and I’m glad you both understand each other good luck for the future !

So I do feel like we heard each other, him more than ever before. We have promised to communicate more to avoid getting to breaking point again.

Well done, Bridget, well done! I just knew you could sort this out.

Men and women can have very different perspectives on things and communicate differently. It can take some effort to see each others point of view, but it can be done, as you have shown.

That's great news - sometimes it takes a big fallout for them to really get it. I hope this is the start of things changing for you - the resentment that will build otherwise is massively unhealthy.

He hates me pointing out constant little things or getting mad at him

If hate little things being pointed out to me as well tbh.

I made the point that if I am getting to that point again instead of getting angry back could he look inward and realise he needs to increase his efforts

I think this is a bit one sided. You're asking him to reflect and increase what he does...will you reflect on your delivery of the message and try not to go on about the little things.

Threatening divorce isnt good ... but both parties need to reflect on things.

When a grown man believes tidying is woman"s work then he won't change, and there will have been signs of sexist, lazy entitlement before the nuptials

I note you're on mat leave so you work too. He's not the great I Am Sole Earner that some appear to think means his status is higher as he works outside the home.

The numerous threads on here bear out that love goggles convince women they will somehow magically change him after marriage and kids and/or he will come to some great revelation on the housework issue himself.

I'm not talking about men who are a bit slobbish, but open to change. Or those that may not do the round the house jobs you think they should do, but they will do some things and whatever the case, won't see you struggle nor see your function as being a housemaid.

I absolutely believe women should not marry a man if you've never seen him cook a full meal. If you've never seen him stick a load in machine AND put it away. If his place is a mess. & if he lives with his mum and doesn't have to lift a finger, allows mummy to do everything, then be wary about that too. Especially if he has exacting standards but it's mummy keeping things to his standard

Or even where his place is scrupulously tidy, he is very fussy yet you feel he will expect you to be the one maintaining the cleanliness standards he prefers - with no input from him.

Don't rush to show your best self by cooking cleaning tidying around his place regularly - looking through those love goggles again - presenting that you are now in his life as chief cook cleaner washer, to take care of all of that for him.

Then again I guess some men lie, show their "best self" to reel you in. I still feel there are always signs regarding attitude to women and housework though.

Typical passive aggressiveness OP. Making the meal but leaving a shitload of washing up for you to do, so you don't "get away" with doing "nothing".

Call his bluff next time he mentions divorce.
If he pissed off at least it would less mess less stress, for you.

Massive eyeroll at SandyY2K

Maybe if he didn't leave his clothes in piles by the door or his filth everywhere - you know, like a grown up - she wouldn't be having to constantly nag him

Congrats on speaking out as you have. This is obviously a breakthrough for you.

However, I do have to say wrt this:

“I said I'm not expecting you to come home and clean bathrooms or do washing but to respect what I have done”

Why on earth not? Why are you not expecting him to do 50% of the adult chores in the house? Is a baby?

You’re a vet - you’re clearly highly intelligent. It’s a challenging job. So why do you see yourself as the housemaid? What’s so special about him?

I wouldn’t personally have told him that divorce is what you’re most afraid of - now he knows he will use it against you in the future. He should know that if he doesn’t behave himself it might happen.

You’re one of the many women who need to read Wifework by Susan Maushart.

I think you need to spend time considering why you are prepared to put up with a partner taking the piss.

I do 98% of the household chores and cooking

What, while you are on ML, or always?

And of the 2% of chores he does, he only completes 80% of the job?

But he likes a clean house.

So basically he likes you to be his cleaner.

And he has you acknowledging ‘your part’ in a row when you have reacted to this?

And he would rather turn on you than do a tiny amount of household work properly?

And will shout about ending his marriage but wouldn’t agree to counselling to save it?

He sounds like a lazy, entitled, manipulative, arrogant git.

Sandy if you read over my previous posts I have stated that I acknowledge my part and endeavour to improve this. He has never been unable to understand my side before now.
camper only when on maternity, when I'm at work it's more split 60/40 I would say, though generally has to be told which jobs to do.
tatiana he is a good man, not without his faults but neither am I and we have had 8 good years together. The use of the D word came out of the blue for me. I will try whatever I can to ensure we are happy, and I believe him when he says he will too

Honestly OP a good man doesn’t make his wife do all the housework and threaten divorce when you complain.

Right now you want to keep your relationship together at all costs even if that means being treated like a servant. For whatever reason you’re terrified of life without him which gives him massively the upper hand.

What you don’t realise is that over time the injustice and resentment will erode your respect for him and your respect for yourself and it will poison your marriage. He won’t pull his weight with the children either.

So if you want your marriage to survive long term this has to be resolved one way or another.

Feel free to come back any time.

Ouch.

Well that's you told; you won't be bothering him again with your nagging about the shitwork that he thinks he's above and that you should be doing for him for absolutely zero gratitude.

Hang on op, you said 'when I'm at work it's more split 60/40 I would say, though generally has to be told which jobs to do.'????

So you hold down a professional job, do 60% of all the shitwork, micromanage a grown adult to do his 40% (badly) and you BOTH now have a baby to raise. Hand on heart who do you think will also be doing the majority of childcare? It WILL be you, you know it.
Your h is a fucking misogynistic, lazy twat and I guarantee you will be having this exact same conversation countless times in the coming years.

He wants you to shut the fuck up and clean his house for the next 59 years. Quietly and with a smile.

Is that how you see spending the next 50 years?

Take him up on his offer of divorce and pronto. He won't change.

You can't work and do all the housework and men who have women doing all their housework don't appreciate the time involved. You need to start dividing up the chores. You have to agree this though, not just you allocate jobs to him. How to manage the housework has to be a joint decision. If he doesn't do stuff it doesn't then turn in to your job. If he wants stuff to be clean then he has to do his share. However it's normal to sometimes not feel like doing housework and most housework can wait a few days.