DH just threatened divorce

[BridgetDoodle]

Hi. Just hoping for a bit of support/hope. Been with my DH for nearly 8 years, nearly married 2 years and have 8 month old DD. Moved into our first house 5 months ago. Generally we were doing very well. I am still on maternity and BF.
He has always been a bit lazy, never really completes a task and I feel like I am responsible for every single thing in the house. I acknowledge I have been nagging him but today he lost his temper and threatened to leave, said he's not going to change and won't be listening to me for the next 50 years. I saw red, took the baby and drove to my parents but actually turned around and went back home, called him and made him come back.
I am heart broken and feel like now he has said this it can't be taken back. I don't know how to go forward. He said he said it to make me listen but no how angry I got I would never have said that to him. Anyone any advice on how to get over it and move forward? TIA

Thank you for all taking the time to respond to me. We do need to talk, at the minute I just keep crying so maybe tomorrow once the adrenaline has worn off a little. At the minute he is not compromising and says he's doing enough and won't be doing any extra. I suppose it does come down to maybe me accepting what I have and seeing whether I can live with it?

Chores are a common sore point in a relationship. I thought there were some helpful ideas in this:

www.thespruce.com/chores-conflict-in-marriage-2300980

It's a pissing contest. He's betting you don't want him to leave so if he pulls that out of his back pocket it shuts you down completely.

You could say - you know on reflection I think you are right. Let's divorce I can't do this shit for 50 years either.

Watch him squirm. You have to commit to it. He'l expect you to call his bluff but make him think you are dead serious. Tell him his hair looks like a teenage girl / cocker spaniel / trying too hard / camp sailor etc etc for a bit of sprinkle on it.

He's tried to shift the balance of power. To get past this you need to even the scales.

Poor thing.
You have a small b aby and are on maternity leave. You'll probably be back to work soon and can both work things out. I would not rush to any decisions. Yo are probably both very tired. Having a first baby is probably the biggest change to both your lives ever and the exhaustion will get less once the baby is a bit bigger and you are both back at work and things are back to normal.

Luckily we both had similar standards both quite tidy but lots of people aren't. My father was much tidier (and cleaner) then my mother so even back then he was th eone using the vacuum cleaner at weekends, emptying all the bins around the house etc etc. I am not sure things every change - some people whether male or female often have different views on these things.

melons you are so right. I just don't have the balls to say ok let's split because it is 100% not what I want

To be fair I have pulled the "shape up or ship out" thing over the years. You have to act like you really mean it though. He has never called my bluff yet.

Have you spoken to him about it! Has he shown remorse and said "I'm sorry I really did not mean that ,I love you deeply and was being a dick, I'll never say that again"?

If yes I'd say "you'd better bloody not.... I never want to hear you say anything like that again. Ever."

Then try to forget it and put it down to petulance, and focus on the issues at hand (laziness vs nagging).

Then have the stern chat and agree what needs to be done and who is responsible.

^this is how I'd proceed within my own relationship as I know my husband inside out and the twatty things he is capable of saying.

I wonder who's going to be cleaning up after him if you're not there? I'd get back in the car and go back to your parent's house.

Call his bluff.

Say fine I can't hack tidying up after you for 50 years so either you sit down and talk or it's over.

Ugh he is basically saying either you accept him doing nothing or he will go.

Well you know what say to him then go because if he thinks that it will be easier than he should go. You dont like nagging but its the only way you dont have to do everything

And no you cant just accept it - by your own admission you dont like the way that it is so accepting it is just going to make it worse. Go to your parents take back the control

OP write a thorough list of all chores and get agreement on who does what each day/week..in the process agree how often you each want each job done, ie how often does the bathroom get cleaned to satisfy both of you...

If you fail to reach an agreement allocate the jobs you can reasonably do yourself, and get a cleaner for the rest if you can afford it.

if you don't resolve this now it will become a horrible battle going forward.....my DH does NO jobs at all as he works very long hours, but is happy for us to have a cleaner..

I do all l reasonably can and get help where l really can't

It sounds like he’s using this as a threat to stop you asking him to do his fair share of housework?

Is that right?

If so, that’s not a nice thing to do. Don’t back down on this OP.

Will you be going back to work after maternity leave? Presumably he realises he will need to step up then and do his fair share?

I agree with Dragon.

I would also tell him that if he’s serious about getting a divorce then he should say and not use it as a weapon. If he’s using it as a weapon then that’s shitty of him.

If he goes to work and earns enough to keep the family, without you trying to fill the gaps, then you are responsible for keeping the house pleasant for you all. OTOH, if you are also working and looking after domestic stuff and childcare too, he is being unreasonable. There are only 24 hours in any day and no one should be working all of them. However, it's more enjoyable being at work, getting paid and having social contact with intelligent adults than dealing with babies and toddlers, who are never rational or reasonable and who can make hours of work with a five minute tantrum.

Ugh, he is vile. I assume that this baby will be your last seeing as he is such a deeply unattractive manchild. Please do not let him do this to you OP. You deserve better than this.

i feel like something has changed now

Of course it has changed, he’s learnt that if he doesn’t get his own way or wants you to either stop, or start doing something, all he has to do is threaten you with divorce

He won't commit to counselling. It's all about him, isn't it? How much of this is he happy with and how much of it are you happy with?

Me and my husband used to argue about cleaning and chores so got a cleaner about five years ago. Whilst it could be seen as an extravagance it’s money well spent and we budget for it each month. It means we no longer argue about cleaning. We both just do what we want in terms of keeping the place tidy. I do more still but resent it far far less. Sorry if this is not an option because of money etc but for us it was worth setting aside £60 a month to save our sanity. I hated nagging so this solution worked a treat for us. We also have separate washing baskets and have found that helps tremendously. I still do the kids stuff and communal but he does his own. Hope you sort things out xxx

he's threatened to Divorce you... and has stated he will not be doing anything more in the Home ?

I'd leave OP

It's not 100% what you want - to split.

What about him?

Either he feels the same and you call his bluff or...

He actually does want to leave you and it's just a waiting game. What fight can he pick with you that will justify him leaving anyway.

I have been there and done that OP. Since DD was about nine months old DH and I have been having issues over cleaning and house stuff. We've had some very heated conversations. I think it's because that is point where things get hard- baby more active so you are more tired, maybe still having to get up in the night, less intimacy because you are both knackered all the time.

DH and I have eventually agreed jobs. He does the dishwasher and puts a wash on every day. I put away the clothes and do all the cooking. He cleans up after dinner. We eat dinner at a he table and talk about our days. He cleans away. It's a boring routine but it has made a massive difference to us. Everyone has a defined job that they agreed to do. No nagging necessary.

We also employed a cleaner. I know not everyone can afford this. But it has really saved a lot of arguments. A lot. I would rather give up on dinner out and take aways than lose my cleaner.

It does get tough when you have small child. You need to reset your boundaries and have a good talk. It sounds like you are both frustrated.

You are not nagging. That is a bullshit misogynistic term only ever applied to women, generally when due to carrying the entire mental load they are desperately trying to get their DH/OH to contribute to the domestic situation in some way.

It’s just bullshit! Think about it! He doesn’t have to ask you to clean because you already do. He doesn’t, so you ask, he still doesn’t, so you ask again, and voila! You’re a nag and the negative is on you.

@OCSockOrphanage - the OP is on maternity leave, not cooking and cleaning leave

Been with my DH for nearly 8 years.....He has always been a bit lazy, never really completes a task and I feel like I am responsible for every single thing in the house
YOU chose to marry him not only knowing this but accepting it and refusing to actually deal with it properly - WHY for gods sake?
Do you really have such little self esteem?

said he's not going to change and won't be listening to me for the next 50 years
There is no way he would agree to counselling unfortunately
Do you have any self respect, OP?
Or do high/standards in your life only pertain to household chores?

He's been showing you for 8 years what/who he really is - a lazy, entitled, sexist tosser!
He's now shouting at you because you've been refusing to actually listen to what he's telling you - he has NO real respect for you as a woman or as a partner and never will.

Yet here you are still thinking that you can change him with your 'love and devotion'

I know i'm being harsh but somebody needs to give you a reality check and tell you to get your head out of the clouds.
You're behaving like a doormat and a mug.
You need more than love to make a marriage work.....it also takes more than just love to be a decent parent.

YOU can't change his behaviour unless he recognizes it's a problem and wants to change.
Having babies with him also isn't going to make him magically grow the fuck up overnight - if ever.

Either you accept that you deserve to be treated like shit and put up with this......or you accept that you deserve to be treated better/like an equal and give him the ultimatum.

Only you can decide what kind of bed you make and lie in, OP.
As a parent, at least consider the example/role models you will be presenting to your dc as they grow up.