Would you stay with a partner accused of rape?

[Scrapper142]

Inspired by news and personal experience, interested to know, would you stay and if you have experienced it, did stay or get out?

Ed Westwicks gf has been defending him and said she believes he's innocent. Although postponed getting engaged.

The man who raped me is happily in a new relationship. It's something I don't tend to think about, but his name was tagged in a fb post on my feed his week and in a moment of weakness I looked. There was a picture of his gf blissfully happy.

I just wonder how she stays with him (assuming she knows). I'm sure if she has been told it's an edited and manipluated version. But I expect she is completely unaware and unaware of the reality of the man she is sharing her life with. It makes me so sad for her and then so fucking angry (that he can do this).

It's strange as I feel connected to this complete stranger, I know it's not my problem but I can't help but worry about her. Then I think she'd probably never want to hear or accept the truth anyway?!?!

Was just catching up on Star Trek Discovery and the final episode of the first part of season 1....

There was a significant uproar about it being ‘PC gone mad’ for having a black woman with a man’s name as the lead...

But the result (and with the number of female writers etc) is that we’ve had the first male/male kiss in Trek history (MRAs prolly all angry about that too) but also a really massive storyline about male sexual abuse by a woman....

This is the thing. MRAs getting outraged about TV reflecting actual real life where women exist and are competent in their own right (rather than accessories to strong men) but in the Petrie dish of progressiveness this has created we get a really heart wrenching storyline about male sexual abuse...

Who is it that is hating on men and erasing female abuse? Cos it sure doesn’t look like it is the people concerned with preogressive values and equality...

There was a significant uproar about it being ‘PC gone mad’ for having a black woman with a man’s name as the lead

I’ve been loving discovery. The writing is great - the time loop episode I thought was such a great standalone. I didn’t know the writer/s were female.

Still think ash may be a Klingon spy..,

I wonder what is going to happen re ash....

The way his PTSD froze him when he was back aboard the Klingon ship and how he has got to psychological safety with burnham only for a load of trauma to invasively take over in his mind and potentially ruin things shows such a good understanding of what SA does to a person....

I think it is quite rare for any story about SA to be written the way it has been, drawing the audience into what the victim of the abuse is actually suffering - the confusion, the pain, the invasive thoughts, their incapacitating nature, the nightmares and the feeling that you can never again be safe because your own mind relives the experience at the worst possible times....

I don’t think all the writers are female but the two who wrote the most recent episode are.

And yeah, mudd is such a classic trek baddy, echoes of both Q and Khan in him...

I would like it best probably if Ash’s relationship to L’rell explored the emotions of coercive control. They’ve done a really good job of the SA so far, I think it would be disappointing if it was that he was actually a spy and much better if he was challenged and confronted by his emotions about the CC and SA in an equally realistic way...

I also loved that this character (super soldier, killer of Klingons, chief of security etc) has this character arc of being rendered incapable by PTSD related to the abuse.

It’s challenged so many stupid myths about SA already...

Just really really good.

Yup. Haven’t seen this weeks yet :) saving it for the weekend

@steppemum why would I trust a stranger over my own husband? He's not the kind of man who would beg for sex let alone coerce or force a woman into sex (very attractive in his youth so became accustomed to being sought out by women rather than the other way around and not interested if a woman is anything less than enthusiastic, says it makes him feel selfish and twatish). My assumption would be that it was one of those rare minority cases where the accuser was either confused or outright lied (as does rarely happen) not because i'm 'victim blaming' but because of my husband's personality.

*wouldn't beg for sex

@Ttbb, because, statistically speaking, it's a lot more likely that he would be lying than her, to be frank.

And because we're all disinclined to believe that our nearest and dearest would do such a thing - including, of course, those of us who've actually got predators in our circles.

I was utterly shocked when my radfem lesbian friend went down to the police station to give a statement to the effect that her male flatmate simply couldn't have committed the rape he was accused (and later convicted) of. But she did. Because she, too, was not able to see that a man she experienced as lovely could be capable of such a crime.

BossyBitch we can never actually know the statistics for those who haven’t been found guilty in a trial. There cannot be reliable evidence (statistically or otherwise) either way unless it has been tested in court.

We can assume 90% of accusers aren’t lying but we can’t KNOW that unless we are one or other of the involved parties.

But even the people involved don’t always know...

That’s why rape and sexual assault are so very hard to prosecute, because it frequently comes down to consent.

Plenty of men who have sexually assaulted women KNOW they haven’t because their subjective understanding of consent is off. Plenty of women who have been sexually assaulted don’t KNOW that’s what has happened until a long time after because their subjective understanding of consent is off.

very attractive in his youth

What does this have to do with anything, Ttbb? Plenty of rapists think themselves gods' gift, and think the women they rape should be grateful for the attention.

Yep. The guy who raped me at uni was gorgeous and had no shortage of offers either. It means jack shit.

I would never make assumptions based on previous experience of my partner but on the evidence and events described. If it was plausible then I would consider it as a possibilty.

Believing someone couldn't do something based on what you know of them is irrelevant if they have.

I guess that's the nub of why some women stand by men who are likely guilty - they go on assumption rather than facts and reason. And stupid myths like "well he was very handsome in his youth so he would never have to force someone".

I don’t think looks have anything to do with your ability/want to sexually assault someone.

I know it’s just a film character and I’m sure there are many attractive people that do horrible things but look at Christian Bales character in American Psycho. He had it all didn’t stop him being a monster and still having mostly to begin with a pretty convincing facade.

Any way I’m sure there will be people in the know with less fictional characters to compare this too.

Craziest statement ever. To handsome to force sex

Some people just like it non-consensual.

@ArcheryAnnie I explained it literally after those words. He's accustomed to women Pershing him not the other way around. He doesn't like pestering for sex. Think about it-surely you do go around chasing after men, being aggressive about instigating sex? Or maybe you do. I know that I don't (also accustomed to being the passive participant. Meeting half way there at best (as I did with my husband). Obviously some attractive people like being/naturally are quite sexually assertive/entitled shits. My husband never had to try so isn't really comfortable, especially with a new partner, being like that. As you can imagine our courtship was awkward AF.

it was more of a context. He never needed to be instigator so he never learned/got comfortable with instigating. My statements about him not liking to be a pushy jerk were from experience/talking with him. Let's face it, even if I were making the assumption it's still more rational than your he's male therefore must be a rapist assumption,

Oh yes, everyone here as asserted that all men are rapists. Absolutely.

And Riding, you're talking about the rapists I presume, not the victims? That's true for a small minority, not the majority of perpetrators. They'd much rather get consent, but if they can't then it doesn't stop them.

Perhaps he's not very comfortable being sexually aggressive because that's gotten him into trouble in the past?

I'm not saying that's the case - I'm saying that certain behaviours can be interpreted more favourably when you love someone.

As for the handsomeness thing, the guy in question here is conventionally attractive, isn't he? There have been rumours and allegations about Jared Leto for years and he's certainly not short of offers I am sure. I doubt he has to be the instigator to get sex, but there we are.

Well it very much seems as if the line is if he is a man and has been accused of rape he must be a rapist. Which is silly, the statistic that you use to support that actually disproves it.

@Tammy-is there such a thing as convebtially attractive? Let's put it this way, he was a bit of an Adonis of sorts and a genuis and charismatic, the only thing he didn't have was masses of money and consistently good manners. women (and parents of some single women) were falling at his feet type of attractive. He didn't bother with women who didn't show an interest (in his own words was too busy to bother when he could have his pick more or less of what he needed, when he needed from a questionably young age). If anything he's the one who has been sexually assaulted on numerous occasions (maybe that's why he hates being pushy? I doubt it though)

Even now he gets a fair amount of attention tbf despite not looking quite so Adonis like anymore.

As for getting in trouble theory he's been in other kinds of non-illegal 'trouble'. That kind of thing doesn't stop him. He's not driven by fear that much I know.

If I had to put forth a theory it would be because of his pride? In other areas of his life he has been very much of X doesn't want me then I don't want X (whether it's an employer, or a political party or whatever).

The other would be arrogance, he's always looked down on women falling over themselves chasing after him. I would imagine he thinks himself above that sort of thing.

He has his character flaws but being a potential rapist really isn't one of them.

Riding, you're talking about the rapists I presume, not the victim

Hell yeah. Didn't occur to me that would be ambiguous.

I really couldn't speculate how many perps would prefer consent, I think many are specifically turned on by the lack of consent and lack of awareness/consciousness.

Well it very much seems as if the line is if he is a man and has been accused of rape he must be a rapist.

No idea if this is goady or thick.