Would you stay with a partner accused of rape?

[Scrapper142]

Inspired by news and personal experience, interested to know, would you stay and if you have experienced it, did stay or get out?

Ed Westwicks gf has been defending him and said she believes he's innocent. Although postponed getting engaged.

The man who raped me is happily in a new relationship. It's something I don't tend to think about, but his name was tagged in a fb post on my feed his week and in a moment of weakness I looked. There was a picture of his gf blissfully happy.

I just wonder how she stays with him (assuming she knows). I'm sure if she has been told it's an edited and manipluated version. But I expect she is completely unaware and unaware of the reality of the man she is sharing her life with. It makes me so sad for her and then so fucking angry (that he can do this).

It's strange as I feel connected to this complete stranger, I know it's not my problem but I can't help but worry about her. Then I think she'd probably never want to hear or accept the truth anyway?!?!

Some unpleasant myths certainly being perpetuated here. The proportion of false accusations is tiny.

As I said upthread an individual will answer this through the prism of their current and past relationships.

I know anyone is capable of just about anything. I know that I would have trouble believing an accusation of rape against DH. Both those statements are true and yes, they may be contradictory. It’s a troubling reality that you never truly know anyone.

I worry about my abusive exh new partner and they have kids. It’s hard but you have to accept that no matter what people are told most will make their own decision and mistakes. You are not responsible for his or her actions.

To answer your original question though, absolutely not but I know several woman who have maintained relationships with men that have had shall we say less than savoury pasts that they are aware of. It’s unfathomable to me.

Please can we stop perpetuating this myth about false rape allegations?

www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/false-allegations/

The relationships board is full of stories of people casually disregarding boundaries (maybe small ones) and people put up with it in the context of a wider positive relationship. I bet if you asked those women if they thought their partner was capable of rape they'd say no too. There may well be signs you could look back on, but you're not thinking of them as that.

Well if my DH was accused of rape I could only assume it was a lie/one of those stupid women who regrets it the next morning and convinces herself that it was rape. I know him well enough to know that he doesn't get off on that. However if I a man I didn't know very well was accused of rape I wouldn't start a relationship with him unless I was sure that he wasn't a rapist.

And there it is.

I could only assume it was a lie/one of those stupid women who regrets it the next morning and convinces herself that it was rape.

really??? So, classic victim blaming, despite all the links on here making it clear that very very few fasle accusations are made?

You are a perfect example of women who are in denial.

I don't think my dh, who I love and respect, would ever do this.
But if er was accused, I wouldn't stick my head in the sand, because the statistics say it is more likely to be him that not.

the police officer i spoke to when i reported one of my attacks told me the reason very few reported cases go to court (i believe the statistic was 6%) is because there are so many cases of women crying rape

Wtaf.

The reason so few cases go to court is:

1. the difficulty of getting evidence in sex crimes which by their nature tend to have no witnesses and unless violence is used, no forensic evidence of non consent. Cases often come down to one person's word against another's.

2. many complainants drop out due to the trauma of the police investigation and can't face a court case

3. poor policing - many police even now don't take rape seriously and don't have the will of resources or will to investigate properly, meaning that key evidence and witness statements are not gathered.

Rape prosecution is a postcode lottery and the best conviction rates in the country are strongly allied to the most thorough investigations.

The belief that false allegations are rife is one of the biggest rape myths and the reason why so many people who report rape to police are not believed by the police.

Victims on John Worboys the black cab rapist were dismissed and accused of lying by police.

The policeman who told you that was lying and was simply trotting out one of the oldest and pernicious rape myths. Be absolutely clear that that is one of the biggest barriers to victims of sexual offences there is.

I don't think my dh, who I love and respect, would ever do this.
But if er was accused, I wouldn't stick my head in the sand, because the statistics say it is more likely to be him that not.

Exactly, it’s absolutely horrible to think about. But it’s the reality. I get that burying your head in the sand and blaming the victim is easier than facing up to the possibility that your partner is a sex offender but it’s really really unhelpful and wrong for people to perpetuate rape myths as a result of said head-burying.

FALSE ACCUSATIONS ARE THE MASSIVE MINORITY.

^for anyone who might have missed it.

It's really dismal to see women here trotting out rape myths.

Misogynist brainwashing is sadly rife.

Yes, if it's some random dude then it's probably true. But your DH? Nope, must be a lying bitch.

And that's why we are in the mess we are in. If people don't start to understand that NORMAL MEN WHO SEEM PERFECTLY LOVELY ARE THE ONES TRAUMATISING WOMEN ON A DAILY BASIS we will never ever improve things. Not all seemingly lovely men obviously - but how do you think you could ever tell the difference?

I've talked to my husband at length about this recently as he has more self awareness than most and recognises situations where he has treated women badly in his youth. He insists he's never assaulted anyone in any way (including coercion etc, that makes up the majority of sexual offences within intimate relationships) but if multiple accusers turned up then why wouldn't I listen? I can't know what he's done in the past, only what he's done with me.

I really wish Reddit had never deleted that infamous "ask a rapist" thread because reading the accounts from their perspective is enough to show that anyone can be guilty of this. Anyone.

My ex actually told me this;

one of those stupid women who regrets it the next morning

When I was asking him about his attitude to drunken one night stands and how careful he was given alcohol and not knowing the person at all meant he would need to be super careful re consent.

He said it’s not his problem if a woman was drunker than she seemed or if she wouldn’t have consented without being so drunk, if she regretted it the next morning it’s not his problem. He cried a lot when I pointed out this story he trotted out about how crap his ex was because by the time he’d finally get her to wear stockings she broke down in hysterical tears and couldn’t go through with it was actually a story of him SA her....

You can read some limited info about his adventures on bail for DA offences against me on here TBH.

Surely the posters who believe the quote ^ must realise where that mindset comes from? It’s from rapey men who commit regular acts of incremental abuse against women that they think nothing of, like my ex.

I agree hugely with everything Tammy has said.

3) poor policing - many police even now don't take rape seriously and don't have the will of resources or will to investigate properly, meaning that key evidence and witness statements are not gathered.

Rape prosecution is a postcode lottery and the best conviction rates in the country are strongly allied to the most thorough investigations.

The belief that false allegations are rife is one of the biggest rape myths and the reason why so many people who report rape to police are not believed by the police.
^^This.
Bananamanfan quoted www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/false-allegations/ - well worth a look. Buried away in the links there was a Scotsman article from 2012 about the rise in prosecutions for false rape charges (there are allegations that women who couldn't face going through with prosecution were told they could only drop charges if they admitted they were false!) which has this utterly gobsmacking revelation: "However, Rape Crisis Scotland said some police officers had told them they believed up to 80% of rape complaints were false." www.scotsman.com/news/rise-in-false-rape-charges-in-scotland-1-2602662

No wonder women are reluctant to report rape. No wonder so few cases get to court. I sincerely hope that things have improved with training, procedures and general police attitudes since the article was written.

And out of all this, I read what Louis CK said in his response to the accusations against him and I thought ‘I could trust a man who says this’...

I think this thing of ‘not my husband/boyfriend’ is just another #notallmen...

But it’s not about being all men but the culture of masculinity which normalises male violence.

I think it's a head over heart issue. MN wants other women to clean up the streets by immediately dumping men who display red flag behaviour, while wanting to 'work through' their own problems.

Of course it's hard to understand why her down the road stays with that bastard. But in our own relationships, well 'it's complicated'.

Any allegation about my own dp would have to be at least 18 years old. Any less than that and I'd ditch him anyway, for having sex outside our relationship.

there are allegations that women who couldn't face going through with prosecution were told they could only drop charges if they admitted they were false!

that is truly truly awful.

I agree that even with evidence rape cases struggle to even make it to court. The police had CCTV footage, DNA evidence (yuck) & an 'outcry' statement from a friend of mine minutes after everything was over on the one attack I reported; for three months the police pissed about, the CPS pissed about. I withdrew my report after that, for various reasons including mental stability - the statement from the police officer re the false allegations came at this point. I was made to sign a statement saying I had not made it up, that everything thus far was correct & that should they decide to take it further without me I could still be called to court.
Being made to sign that sort of statement doesn't give much reassurance!

Of course it's hard to understand why her down the road stays with that bastard. But in our own relationships, well 'it's complicated'.

The point at which I realised I would have to leave my ex, after being miserable for years, was imagining how i would react to a friend telling me about their relationship as if it was like mine. I was so ashamed.

One of best friends was falsely accused of rape many years ago. It was quickly thrown out by the police, but not after traumatising him for life. This one false accusations have shaped his decisions throughout his adult life, as he deliberately won't take on any work paid or voluntary that would require a CRB check, because he has never been able to establish exactly what the police recorded about the situation on his records, and doesn't want to have to deal with/ revisit the accusations ever again. This is a real shame as he is one of the most giving, patience, and non-judgemental people I know and would be superb in many roles with vulnerable people.

I have never felt threatened by him, staying over in his house, camping together, sharing hotel rooms (I just never fancied him, hence us never getting together).

According to some PP due to this one accusation he should be denied any future relationships and happiness.

Whilst the conviction rate for rape is tragically low, that does not mean that all those accused and subsequently found not guilty should be assumed to be guilty anyway, just in case. There are some twisted vindictive women about making false accusations and ruining lives.

What I would like to think I'd do, with a partner accused of rape, is try to put aside my instantaneous emotions of wanting to protect him, as I would perhaps find a bit easier to do if he was accused of theft or drunk driving. I would want to hear the details of the accusation against him. I'd like to think I wouldn't dismiss the accusation out of hand, because I know that many (most?) men who rape treat some women, who they love, with respect, and yet rape others.

Additionally, I think my instant response to an accusation of rape as compared to any other crime would also be assuming he had, at the least, cheated on me, and I would therefore end the relationship. (It would presumably be clear pretty quickly if the alleged victim was making up that he'd been with her when he hadn't.) If his defence to something like sexual harassment was that it was 'just banter' then likewise I would end the relationship, as I loath that kind of banter.

I would definitely not knowingly get into a relationship with someone accused of rape. In fact, I have a friend whose rather handsome brother was caught up in some kind of sexual harrassment allegation; not nearly as serious as rape and I don't believe the police were involved. She swears he is innocent, but I didn't go near him with a barge pole when I was single at the same time as him. I would rather err on the side of caution as my first responsibility is to my children.

I remember someone I knew many years ago, whose father had been accused of sexual assault by another relative around her age. She was torn in two over who to support and I sometimes wonder about her and what she decided eventually.

There aren't easy answers to issues like these. And I don't think it would be an easy decision for anyone involved - in fact, if the decision to stay with a partner accused of rape is an easy one, then I think the woman (or man, if a gay relationship) involved hadn't thought it all through properly.

No one is arguing that false allegations exist. His life has been dramatically altered by those accusations - that truly horrific. My life has been dramatically altered by a series of assaults for which there's been no justice - that's horrific too.

This isn't about assuming innocence or guilt - it's about almost all people believing that their partners could never be capable of something like that, and yet so many women being victims. Doesn't add up.

Eryri men who have been convicted (actually convicted in the courts, not just accused) of rape often don't lose their reputations at all, never mind their liberty, so i don't know why you imagine he'd be denied "all future relationships and happiness". Whereas women who have been raped and who never see justics (and even if they do see justice) have to live with the consequences their whole lives. It's not an accident that PTSD is prevalent in both ex-soldiers and in women survivors of sexual assault.

And anyway, how do you know it was a false accusation?

ArcheryAnnie Because
a) he was in no way compelled to tell me anything about it15 + years after the event, but choose to, as it clearly still plays on his mind.
b)He's told me the back story, and the reason it was thrown out by the police and if it wasn't so serious it would be laughable!

There are people on this thread who consider for themselves that they would never date someone like him, based just on that one accusation. If every women (including his DP and mother to their child) had this attitude, he would definitely be missing out on future relationships and happiness (and parenthood).

Sexual assault is serious and damaging, but so are false accusations, especially if some of the responses in this thread are to go by.

It would depend entirely on the credibility of the accusation. I could stand by someone I thought had been wrongly accused. I would find it very difficult to stay with someone I thought had actually done it.