I need to get my head around this.

[Likesugarandcyanide]

I had a thread a few months ago about his affair with a woman he met at sports club. I dont know how to link, sorry.

Sorry if this is long and disjointed but I found out last night that OW works in my ds 2’s school. He never told me who she was, when I asked he said “just someone I met at * club, its not important”.

Over the last few months we have worked out how to keep things amicable, sort of settled into a routine where he comes here Sat/Sun and looks after them during the day to give me a break. Dd and ds 2 both have significant disabilities and health issues so it is the only break I get as dd is unable to attend school and tutored at home.

Yesterday evening ds 1 had a careers talk at school that I took him to. He was here looking after dd and ds 2. When we got back dd was very quiet and anxious, he left immediately saying very little.

As soon as he left dd broke down and said OW had been here, she needed his keys apparently and he let her come in and got them for her. Dd recognised her immediately as did ds2 because she works in the special school he attends. He told her not to mention anything to me but I think he left so quickly because he knew she would.

This woman sees me regularly, she’s chatted to me at school events over the last few months and all the time I had no idea that she is the OW. We went to a fundraising event in September and she was chatting away to my children while the family support worker was with us asking me how I was feeling. School have been very supportive, ds 2 reacted very badly to us separating and his behaviour deteriorated significantly.

I feel totally betrayed, I don’t know how either of them felt it was ok for me not to know. She has been so sweet and friendly, asking about me and all the children when I see her and all the time I didn’t know. She even knows where we live and came when she knew I wasn’t there. I’m wondering if lots of people in school know and I’m the idiot that has been in the dark. I walk into that building three afternoons a week to pick up ds and had no idea.

I had been adamant that they were not to be introduced to the OW yet, he has been pushing for it and kept saying things like “I’m hoping we can all be friends, you’ll like her”. When all the time he was hiding this.

I don't want her in my house, I don't want her near my children yet. Its only been a few months since they screwed up our lives. I want to ring the school and tell them to keep her to hell away from my son. There are pictures on the school website of them together doing a sports activity a few weeks ago and all the time she knew and he knew that they were making a fucking fool of me.

I've tried to be fair, I didn’t stop him taking lots of stuff from here to set up his new place. I haven’t argued when he pays less money for his children as he says his flat is too expensive. I feel like he has been playing me the whole time. He didnt want me seeing a solicitor, said we could arrange things ourselves to keep things amicable and all the time he’s been hiding this. I am such a fool 😞

I just wanted to say you're an amazing woman. Your kids know who you are and who he is and that makes you the winner. You will be ok in the end I promise

Well done for making a start with the solicitor and I hope DD and DS2 are better now. It sounds to me like he’s lied to OW from the start - probably that you’d been separated for years but stayed under the same roof for the children. So their whole relationship may be based on falsehoods that are now proving personally costly for her.

OP you are amazing, big hugs to you and the kids

Sounds like he's lied to her, she's also about to lose her job and he's going to have to make sure you and the kids are looked after well beyond what he's willing to give.

Serves them both right.

Be kind to yourself

Glad you have supportive people around. Make sure he pays properly for his kids now. It's the very least he can do.

He's built himself a house of cards with all his lying. You and your dc are well rid. All those years, all that energy you put in and he treats you like this. There are no words. I wish you and your children the very best xx

C gave me a lot to think about today, she said “I was so shocked because I always thought she was lovely. Actually, after the * (event we had spoken at) she said you were very nice and the children were a credit to you.”

I hate what she’s done but now I am worrying that he has fed her as many lies as he fed me and I have jeopardised her career when she could have just been as much of an idiot as me.

The school’s family support worker is coming tomorrow so I am going to have a good chat with her. If OW didn't know the truth then in all conscience I don’t want her losing her job because of me. 😕

Have you phoned CMS yet? Start putting you and the DC first, you need money, respite, support.

He is going to get very nasty I expect

He may have lied to her but she had the choice to jump into bed with him knowing he was married, that your DC were at the school and that it may be against their rules.

If she fell for the oldest 'we don't sleep together and it is over' line more fool her.

It has been obvious to people at the school what a state you have been in from what you said. No way she didn't see that and know it was down to her and his actions.

Save your sympathies.

But she got involved with the parent of one of the attendees. And a married parent at that. That is a conflict of interest, unprofessional and a big fat no-no. And if she does lose her job it's not because of you. It's because of her and him.

You are a very strong person. An amazing mother and you are a good wife to him. You have a kind nature and you question yourself, yet you have done NOTHING wrong. You and your dc are the innocent parties in all of this xx

Sorry I meant you were a good wife to him xx

That you are thinking this shows what a bloody nice person you are.

Look how you went without so he could get a deposit. Look how you are getting half the maintenance you should so he can pay for his expensive flat. Look how you sold your jewellery so he could pay you less.

All that extra money has been spent on them.

If the school has protocols and she hasn’t followed them it’s irrelevant whether she thought you knew. I can’t imagine any employer of that nature not requiring that a staff member inform them of a relationship with the parent of a child in their care. She fucked up, quite possibly because he persuaded her not to tell - but that’s between them.

The family support worker is going to help me with that, I have rung them and got a number to start a gateway account but I havent got it all sorted yet. She is going to talk me through it and check that I’m receiving anything I am eligible for.

I sorted a new sim card and have left the old one in an old phone. He is still sending texts but I’m not reading them. I will be going through them to see but not yet.

Please do not try to soften the blow for ow! She doth protest too much! She has behaved appallingly! Any disciplinary action taken against her is more than justified! She knew your family! She knew you were a stressed Mum struggling to care for several children with complex disabilities! She chose to be deceitful, to meet your (abysmal excuse for a) husband for illicit sex and embark upon an affair with him! All the while smiling at you and your DC, saying how 'lovely' you all are, trying to build a relationship with your ds in preparation for becoming his 'step mother'! The boundaries have not just been broken, they have been flattened, buried under six feet of wet cement and built upon, to create a cozy new life for herself! To quote another poster from a different thread (apologies I have forgotten your name), its like she took a look at your life and decided 'I'll have that!'.

Do not believe for a minute that she believed you knew who she was! She knew fine well that you didn't want her (the ow), to have contact with your DC yet! Why on earth would you have this stance, yet happily chat and laugh with her at school?

Her pretense of not knowing you were unaware is exactly that, a pretense! She is a manipulative liar! She will say anything to backtrack and preserve her own neck! Such a skillful liar, manipulator and narcissistic rule breaker, is not fit to work the position she does! Such lack of concern for the vulnerable children in her care alone, means she deserves everything coming to her!

OP.. do not feel sorry for the other woman.. she knew your children ... she knew your Husband... she knew you and still took him on... she's is disgusting.... She's a cold calculating bitch... who carried on treating you like an idiot pacifying you in school... whilst going home and screwing YOUR Husband.... this is no shrinking violet.. she has rules and regulations to follow.. she broke every one....

She had an affair with with a married parent of a student at her school. It doesn’t matter what lies he told her, that’s a serious breach at any educational institution.

Perhaps she will wake up with a bump to the kind of person he actually is.

I do think you might hide this thread OP, the details are quite identifying.

She must have known he hadn't told you. How could your ex have persuaded her never to mention the situation to you in any of your chats? And if she didn't know then why hadn't she ever brought it up or apologised? She knew and she decided to play the innocent party.

I hate what she’s done but now I am worrying that he has fed her as many lies as he fed me and I have jeopardised her career when she could have just been as much of an idiot as me.

No no no! I am of the strong mindset that ultimately we are all responsible for ourselves. This woman knew exactly what she was doing. Please do not waste your time worrying about her. She knew he was married. She knew his children. She made bad choices big time - both morally and professionally. The only person who has fucked up her life is her and if she looses her job it's her own fault.

Op I am so shocked at the gall your ex has. Not only to cheat and lie but to screw you out of the money you need to survive and to keep his own kids alive. That's so far incredibly shitty I can't even fathom it.

Yes he has probably been lying to the ow, but do not feel sorry for her. She knew that getting involved with a married parent at her school could cost her her job and she did it anyway. She's a reckless idiot at best and lying to her friend to save face at worst.

You are doing amazingly well.

The OW needs to face the consequences of her behaviour. No doubt she has breached certain policies of the school. She knew your ex had DC at her school when she undertook affair with him. She only has herself to blame.

No way - she knew full well.

AS IF she could interact with you to the extent she did, see you show no awkwardness or sense of something 'unspoken' between you, see you treating her just the same, treating her like an outsider, not someone in a relationship with your kids' dad - just no way.

She knew you didn't know, it's just not the slightest bit credible to believe she didn't.

She knew you didn't know and she made no move to let people know of her personal involvement in your family's horrendous situation and made no move to distance herself from your son's care or take appropriate steps to ensure she wasn't acting unethically.

She could and should have done the latter even if she thought you knew

She's behaved so absolutely deceitfully, and its so utterly unbelievable an argument that sadly it seems most likely that she's trying to smear what you say as a way of fighting back. 'Oh she knew!'

Remember she's scum enough to havehad an affair with a married parent in the first place...

Don't let your guard down and give the benefit of the doubt here. You did that with your ex, remember?

She knew full well you didn't know. Don't let her get away with ONE more lie.

Let the head know she seems to be trying to spread a story that you knew, which is totally incredible given your interactions and the course of action you've taken as soon as you did find out, and let it be known that you're fully prepared to extend your professional complaint to include her trying to spread untruths about you within the school too.

She really does deserve everything she gets here.

@Likesugarandcyanide You are my hero.
I have been glued to this post, what a twat your other half is, and how smarmy OW is. I literally want to punch them both in the face. But what I admired most about this post is how strong you are, you may not think it, but my god your one hell of a woman!

Your children are very lucky to have such a strong mother to look up too! Karma is a bitch and it looks like they will both get a lovely large dose of it very soon.

Never doubt yourself or feel defeated! You rock lady!!! Xxxx

I’ve just tripped over my chin reading this

Echoing other posters, regardless of whether she has been lied to or not, she is the one who crossed the line - not you. Don’t you dare feel guilty for possibly costing her her job. It is not your responsibility, it is hers.

And just think, if he did lie to her about you knowing then she’ll be wondering why you’ve approached the school now. So you can almost guarantee that there will be trouble in paradise at the moment

Keep on doing what you’re doing, you absolutely rock and you are setting the most fantastic, amazing example for your dc. They sound brilliant btw

OW acted very unprofessional and deserves to be punished as such. I highly doubt she was fed as many lies as you and even if she was, she still did this to herself and potentially ruined her own career.
Your ex is a cunt. Take him to the cleaners OP
You and your children are amazing.

What on earth did he 'spend' the money on that he said was for a deposit so that he didn't give any money for his children and you had to sell jewellery to feed them for six weeks. He is the lowest of the low. I imagine a swanky holiday somewhere !

She absolutely knew you didn't know and has been complicit in all this farce. She should have formally declared her relationship to the HT because your son is at the school and it could be a conflict. It brings into question her moral compass especially as the children are very vulnerable.

You have been dignified throughout. They are both deceitful lying scum. Yes relationships end but this level of deceit is jaw dropping