I need to get my head around this.

[Likesugarandcyanide]

I had a thread a few months ago about his affair with a woman he met at sports club. I dont know how to link, sorry.

Sorry if this is long and disjointed but I found out last night that OW works in my ds 2’s school. He never told me who she was, when I asked he said “just someone I met at * club, its not important”.

Over the last few months we have worked out how to keep things amicable, sort of settled into a routine where he comes here Sat/Sun and looks after them during the day to give me a break. Dd and ds 2 both have significant disabilities and health issues so it is the only break I get as dd is unable to attend school and tutored at home.

Yesterday evening ds 1 had a careers talk at school that I took him to. He was here looking after dd and ds 2. When we got back dd was very quiet and anxious, he left immediately saying very little.

As soon as he left dd broke down and said OW had been here, she needed his keys apparently and he let her come in and got them for her. Dd recognised her immediately as did ds2 because she works in the special school he attends. He told her not to mention anything to me but I think he left so quickly because he knew she would.

This woman sees me regularly, she’s chatted to me at school events over the last few months and all the time I had no idea that she is the OW. We went to a fundraising event in September and she was chatting away to my children while the family support worker was with us asking me how I was feeling. School have been very supportive, ds 2 reacted very badly to us separating and his behaviour deteriorated significantly.

I feel totally betrayed, I don’t know how either of them felt it was ok for me not to know. She has been so sweet and friendly, asking about me and all the children when I see her and all the time I didn’t know. She even knows where we live and came when she knew I wasn’t there. I’m wondering if lots of people in school know and I’m the idiot that has been in the dark. I walk into that building three afternoons a week to pick up ds and had no idea.

I had been adamant that they were not to be introduced to the OW yet, he has been pushing for it and kept saying things like “I’m hoping we can all be friends, you’ll like her”. When all the time he was hiding this.

I don't want her in my house, I don't want her near my children yet. Its only been a few months since they screwed up our lives. I want to ring the school and tell them to keep her to hell away from my son. There are pictures on the school website of them together doing a sports activity a few weeks ago and all the time she knew and he knew that they were making a fucking fool of me.

I've tried to be fair, I didn’t stop him taking lots of stuff from here to set up his new place. I haven’t argued when he pays less money for his children as he says his flat is too expensive. I feel like he has been playing me the whole time. He didnt want me seeing a solicitor, said we could arrange things ourselves to keep things amicable and all the time he’s been hiding this. I am such a fool 😞

how are you now OP? hope you had a nice Xmas and new year

OP you’re doing amazingly well considering what an utter shit bag he is. I’ve also got two children with Sen and it’s very hard. My youngest sounds like your youngest. I hope you’ve had good people around you over Christmas.

Hi OP, Wondering how things are? Hope things improved and you got everything sorted

Hope you're doing ok OP!

It sounds like you've done an incredible job of showing who's boss! Your kids are so lucky to have you as their mum xxx

I know I haven’t posted in ages but I want to update you all, although I have tried to write this post several times and each time it read like a fantasy book and I ended up deleting it.

I have been a bit ill, I’ve had gynae issues for a while and they were particularly bad over New Year. I managed to get an appointment with my GP on 4th January and she sent me to A&E. I ended up with a hysterectomy on 5/1 because of a strangulated fibroid. It hasnt been straightforward, I have had a few problems with it and ended up spending just over two weeks in hospital.

I was home for two days and caught this nasty virus that’s been doing the rounds so have been feeling absolutely rubbish. So much for my planned “New Year new start” that I had been psyched up for. I am utterly useless, spending most of my time sitting in a heap doing nothing. I’m beginning to feel a bit better, it is still agony to cough but I can think clearly now I’m not taking tramadol - it’s very strong stuff!

Social Services have been absolutely brilliant, as have some of my friends. There have been round the clock carers in for Dd and Ds2, two of my friends took turns to stay each night despite having their own families.

Ex has been helping, he did offer to come and stay here but both Dd and Ds1 refused his offer but he has been really helping and it seems to have kick started rebuilding his relationship with them. They talk to him now, Ds1 is very quick to pull him up on things and still very angry but doesn’t leave the house as soon as he arrives any more.

He has apologised to me about leaving me to do everything, when i was first admitted he spent four days in a row here whilst all the emergency carers were properly sorted. My friend told me she had to talk him through every single care process and giving meds to dd/ds2 and she was so irritated with him she lost her temper and said “ffs ##### this is your children how the hell dont you know all this”. He hasn't ever really done it all on his own before, I think he realises how much I actually do.

Ex still comes for a couple of hours each day, I admit I have been quite bitchy and hard on him. He asks if he can help with anything and I have been giving him instructions like “oh that light on the landing that you were supposed to fix two years ago, you could do that today”.

The carers who come in are fabulous, there are five of them sharing shifts and each one is helpful and friendly. Its been decided that they’ll be here another four weeks and then depending on how my doctors think Im doing it will be assessed.

So that’s where we are, I think me being ill has brought it home to him that whether he is here or not he has to parent his children. He seems to be making more effort, he invited Ds1 to watch the Black Panther movie with him and has taken both ds2 and Dd out. He hasn’t involved his gf in any of it, dd and ds2 have both been quite clear that they don’t want to be around her.

If you’ve got through reading all this well done! I am not the most coherent person at the moment and my emotions are all over the place,
but I really do appreciate all the help and advice I have had on here.

What a horrid time you've had, although it does seem it may have been a good thing as he has actually stepped up and got involved!

wishing you a speedy recovery and don't let his involvement slip as you recover, remind them they are still 50% his responsibility and you need time and energy to rebuild your life.

Thank you RandomMess, I do think in a way it has given him the shock that he needed.

You have been amazingly strong and have coped with so much. I’m so sorry you’ve been so poorly. Hopefully when you are fully healed and recovered physically you can start to heal and recover emotionally. I have nothing but admiration for you. Your children are so incredibly lucky to have you as their mum.

I’m late to this thread and just want to say you are an inspiring woman! Get well soon

Another late comer in absolute awe of you. I wish I could wrap you up in a fluffy blanket and give you a nice big cuddle. You are truely amazing x

I think I’m lucky to have my children, they keep me going. Even when I’m feeling particularly low one of them will say or do something that just lifts me.

I forgot to say earlier, ex has employed a cleaner. He says he will pay for her to continue doing three hours a week as he realises how much there is to do. She is doing all the beds weekly and all the stuff I can’t do. Ds1 has been brilliant doing all the washing and ironing, ironing is really only his uniform so he’s happy to do it.

If he’s true to his word and keeps her on I will be very glad. 🙂

Oh flipping heck, you have been through hell.
I wish you well for your future and hope you get all the support you need to raise your children.

Wow! I'm sorry it took such dramatic I'll health for him to realise how hard you work, and how he needs to (and can) support his family.

Wow OP, what an update.

Wishing you all the love, hugs and speedy recovery I can.

Look after yourself, again your kids are amazing and lucky to have you as a Mum ❤️

I'm so sorry you've had such an awful time but I'm glad that your ex is stepping up! It's about time he took responsibility of his children!

Wishing you a full and speedy recovery xxx

You're a very strong woman. That nasty flu is a killer. I had it too.

I hope you get better soon and that your Ex continues doing his share of parenting and paying the cleaner.

Lovely update.

Sorry you have had such a rough time health wise, hopefully it is behind you now and you will come back stronger than ever.

Such brilliant news you are getting the support you deserve. Onward and upwards. Hope you feel better soon

Late but had to post. You are such a great mum and really intelligent. I'm sorry I'm laughing at him having four days. You've had every single day. The 'ffs these are your children' is classic. Really hope your recovery is going alright after the hospital. Sure you have some better days than others. Sending hugs.

You're an incredible lady, OP.

you have handled this all so well, I don't think I could've handled it anywhere near as good as you.
You are so strong, your children are lucky to have you.

You should write a book. Without sounding weird this would make a super dramatic mini series! Life truly is strange.

You have been amazing. I find women like you truly inspirational.
I expect there are times when you feel so exhausted you could weep but you don’t give up, you keep going for your children.
You are strong. You are woman. Good luck!!

@Likesugarandcyanide Just wondering how you are? Hope H has continued to be more supportive less of a twat

I have read all through.. what an amazing woman you are...

@SchnitzelVonKrumm thanks for thinking of me.

We are doing ok, I will be honest and say I have been very depressed, I do what needs to be done around here but I don’t go out unless I have to because I just feel rubbish really. I am seeing a counsellor and still taking fluoxetine, it is getting better slowly but I suppose I am just coming to terms with everything.

The children are doing great, they all seem settled and Dd has had a big improvement in her health and managed two tester days at college in the hope she can go from September. She will have a full time carer with her but she is really excited about it as she hasn’t been able to attend school since yr 8.

Ds1 has finished his GCSEs and thinks he has done well enough to get into 6th form. He has got himself a summer job and is out with his friends at every opportunity. He is still refusing to see his father, he says he would rather be around people who make him happy.

Ds2 seems a lot more settled, he has been quite ill over the last couple of months but that’s “normal” for him, he always has a few bad periods. He seems to have got used to his father not being aound, he sees him once a fortnight for a few hours. Ex is happy with this as otherwise it would interfere with his hobby. 🙄

Ex has split up with OW and is living in a rented room. He actually suggested moving back in to ‘help’ but I refused that offer immediately, cheeky arsehole. He now pays maintenance through CMS so it’s regular and he can’t pay random amounts that suit him. It doesn’t seem to affect his lifestyle as he has already had three holidays and has another two planned. He is telling everyone that he has had a breakdown, that he felt unloved and his counsellor says he owes it to himself to be happy. 😐 I think he thinks his happiness is more important than the fact he has wrecked so many lives, that this ‘breakdown’ excuses everything he has done.

I have met two different people, former friends, who have been really off with me for treating ex so badly, he’s such a great guy don’t you know. I am evil for turning the children against him.

I know that’s complete bollocks but it is so upsetting to be labelled as a bitch when he’s done what he did. I suppose people can think what they want but I just get upset when former friends blank me or tell me what they think about how I treated the poor man, hence my not going out much anymore.

I can put a face on for the children at home, they have no idea I feel so down but when I am out it is very difficult not to break down when I meet people. I know it will get easier but I don’t feel terribly strong at the moment.

I have a good care package in place now, a carer does overnight here two nights a week so I get rest. Dd gets 10 hours direct payments to employ a carer directly, in September that will increase to cover her college course. I am also getting some hours for ds2 in the holidays so he can go to clubs and things and I get a break.

So thats it really, just plodding on day to day.

Thanks for the update! Overall it is very good - apart from you feeling like crap of course.

You and the children have been through an incredibly difficult period, it sounds as though you have all the things in place to bounce right back once you have got your strength up.

Time is a great healer. I was terribly hurt by friends who took my ex's side while he dragged me and the children through the mud. I felt so betrayed. One even told me she just wanted to be friendly with him long enough to get a discount from him for something her and her husband were buying then she wanted nothing more to do with him (she is still friends with him) Some time passed, the hurt healed a bit and now when I see her I thank God she isn't a person I look to for support anymore! She clearly never was the friend I thought she was. The hurt has faded.

Keep going, keep strong, you are headed for brighter days!

Good to hear he and the OW split up! The grass wasn't greener after all eh?!