I need to get my head around this.

[Likesugarandcyanide]

I had a thread a few months ago about his affair with a woman he met at sports club. I dont know how to link, sorry.

Sorry if this is long and disjointed but I found out last night that OW works in my ds 2’s school. He never told me who she was, when I asked he said “just someone I met at * club, its not important”.

Over the last few months we have worked out how to keep things amicable, sort of settled into a routine where he comes here Sat/Sun and looks after them during the day to give me a break. Dd and ds 2 both have significant disabilities and health issues so it is the only break I get as dd is unable to attend school and tutored at home.

Yesterday evening ds 1 had a careers talk at school that I took him to. He was here looking after dd and ds 2. When we got back dd was very quiet and anxious, he left immediately saying very little.

As soon as he left dd broke down and said OW had been here, she needed his keys apparently and he let her come in and got them for her. Dd recognised her immediately as did ds2 because she works in the special school he attends. He told her not to mention anything to me but I think he left so quickly because he knew she would.

This woman sees me regularly, she’s chatted to me at school events over the last few months and all the time I had no idea that she is the OW. We went to a fundraising event in September and she was chatting away to my children while the family support worker was with us asking me how I was feeling. School have been very supportive, ds 2 reacted very badly to us separating and his behaviour deteriorated significantly.

I feel totally betrayed, I don’t know how either of them felt it was ok for me not to know. She has been so sweet and friendly, asking about me and all the children when I see her and all the time I didn’t know. She even knows where we live and came when she knew I wasn’t there. I’m wondering if lots of people in school know and I’m the idiot that has been in the dark. I walk into that building three afternoons a week to pick up ds and had no idea.

I had been adamant that they were not to be introduced to the OW yet, he has been pushing for it and kept saying things like “I’m hoping we can all be friends, you’ll like her”. When all the time he was hiding this.

I don't want her in my house, I don't want her near my children yet. Its only been a few months since they screwed up our lives. I want to ring the school and tell them to keep her to hell away from my son. There are pictures on the school website of them together doing a sports activity a few weeks ago and all the time she knew and he knew that they were making a fucking fool of me.

I've tried to be fair, I didn’t stop him taking lots of stuff from here to set up his new place. I haven’t argued when he pays less money for his children as he says his flat is too expensive. I feel like he has been playing me the whole time. He didnt want me seeing a solicitor, said we could arrange things ourselves to keep things amicable and all the time he’s been hiding this. I am such a fool 😞

Of course she knew. He wouldn't have let her stay in the dark - too risky that she would drop him in it. She's a total fool and she's made her own bed.

Don't feel sorry for her. She literally made her bed and now she can rot in it.

She chose to get involved with a married man.
She chose to overlook the fact that he's the father of one of the students in her school.
She chose to sneak around with him for months.
She chose to engineer activities and conversations with you and your family.
She welcomed him into her home whilst watching your family implode.
She came to your house when she knew you were out.

The bitch deserves everything she's got coming to her.

It's all bullshit. Very obviously it wasn't all "out in the open" as the school had no idea. They had no idea that she was shacked up with the father of one of her students.

"Out in the open" means it's common knowledge and everyone knows. No one but her little ally friend knew. That doesn't count! She's a liar and her mate is an idiot.

If OW didn't know the truth then in all conscience I don’t want her losing her job because of me. 😕

What do you think she didn’t know the truth about?

What do you think she didn’t know the truth about?

Exactly** this. She didn’t meet him randomly and not know he was married with a stressful situation.

Her role at the school makes this even more disgusting.

Having children with disabilities can put a massive strain on a marriage but instead of being supportive she knowingly destroyed yours.

Her behaviour is all the more unacceptable for it, don’t waste your compassion on someone who had none for you or your children

You've done the right thing. Please don't feel bad about it. If the OW didn't want go jeopardise her career she shouldn't have had a relationship with a married parent of a child in her care. Even if she's been lied to about the details, she should have known - and acted - better.

Another thing. If it was all in the open she wouldn't be sneaking to your house when she knew you were not there to force the issue of meeting your DC as their dad's GF.

She forced this issue because you were holding back. Not the actions of a nice person. Especially one who knows about your DC and the potential affects on them.

She doesn't care about them enough to be in a care role for them.

No no no! Don’t fall into this trap.

You’ve just had all the lies explode and found out how much you were being manipulated and spun along... all because of your good nature and desire not to make this harder for anyone?

Why are you diving back into letting them take you for a mug?!

Your good nature is making you vulnerable again.

You have no reason to believe she is an innocent party in this.

Just because she always seemed nice to a mutual acquaintance, that doesn’t wipe clean all her unethical & professional boundary breaking behaviour, does it? There is no lie your ex could tell her that makes her behaviour legitimate.

Remember how upset you were at realising your good nature had been taken advantage of and you were being manipulated and strung along with finances and everything?

Well, don’t dive back into that, now you know the truth.

And stop empathising with her!!! You and your children are the victims here. You don’t need to try and save the woman who did this to you! She isn’t you, she’s not in the same position as you, and no, you don’t share a common bond via your ex treating both of you badly. Because she did this to herself. Willingly. Whatever she says it’s clear she’s complicit in the awful treatment of you and your dc. Whereas you aren’t. At all.

Of course she’s trying to make herself the innocent in this. To try to cling onto her reputation and image. And her job. It’s the obvious excuse isn’t it? She will be desperate to make you into the bad guy. The ‘crazy’ wife who just can’t let go. She will want to make you into the hysterical woman scorned, who is spoiling her happiness and picking on them. Don’t help her to do this by legitimising her ‘poor ickle me’ position.

Turn that kindness tap off, it’s leaking everywhere

If this woman loses her job it will not be because of whatever she knew or didn't know. It will be because she didn't inform the HT that she was involved with a parent of a child at the school unless she can honestly say that she was not aware that he has a child at the school where she is working. From everything she has said to the friend that is clearly not the case.

Similarly, she will not lose her job because of whatever the Ex did or did not tell her about you and what you knew.

OP, she is not your worry. What happens to her is not your fault and need not be your concern.

If OW didn't know the truth then in all conscience I don’t want her losing her job because of me. 😕

You are far too nice

However, don’t be fooled, this woman has been more than deceitful and has hurt your children. She’s brought in on herself and she is not your responsibility.

She chose to jeopardise her job. She could have told her HT that she was starting a relationship with the father of a student. She could have said the student was unaware, but the mother knows. She chose not to. She didn’t behave in anyway when you met as though she was now in a relationship with your husband.
The consequences are on her.

In the event that he did lie to her, and she fell for it, well she will be angry with him and throw him out. So he'll have nowhere. Result!

She knew you were married. End of. No excuses!!!!

You have had a lot of emotional support on this thread, but I wanted to give you some practical advice, because I fear that you are going to get really ripped off by your Ex, financially, unless you take action fast.

1. Open a case with CMS as soon as possible. They can't backdate claims, and he isn't paying the right amount. You need to rectify this asap. Keep that payslip that he thinks is lost. He may lie to CMS about his income, and if so, you'll need it. Also, having a case with the CMS means that if he misses a payment, you can call them and they will threaten legal action. Far more weight to this, than you having to text and say "please can I have my child support". They can do many things if he doesn't pay (attach his earnings/suspend his driving licence/jail).

1. You need a formal separation agreement. Be aware that you are entitled to:

• Half of his Pension. Basically, you get a Pension pot figure as it stands right now, for both of you. I am guessing his Pension is worth a lot more than yours. You add both values together and divide by 2. He will have to give you hard cash to make up the difference. DO NOT allow him off with this, it could be an enormous sum. He will gripe and moan, tough shit.

• Economic Recompense. You are entitled to more cash, if you are the parent who has sacrificed their career to care for children, thus allowing his career to flourish.

He has shown his true colours where money is concerned, when he conned you out of money, pretending he had to get a deposit together. He WILL screw you financially, if he possibly can.

You must sort your finances formally, or you will live to regret it. You will possibly see your children go without, whilst he has money for a holiday with OW, etc. It's hard to think straight at this point, but you simply must get all this sewn up legally.

You don't own a house to sell, so he will have to take out a loan, in order to pay you what is due. Don't feel bad about this. It is what it is. And this whole situation is of HIS making. You need that money for your children and your future.

My ExH, despite earning a 6 figure salary, has tried to con me out of money at every twist and turn. Be warned. He will get even nastier. He wants to keep this away from solicitors, because then you will be going in blind and may miss what you are entitled to.

As an aside, if he is capable of cheating on someone he is married to, who is the mother of is children, believe me, he is capable of cheating on OW. And eventually, when the shine wears off, that's exactly what he will do. (My EX did exactly this).

Relationships that start off like this, don't tend to end well. The OW knows he is a cheat. This will always be in the back of her mind. That's the price she will have to pay.

Lastly, please stop being so nice. It's a credit to you, but seriously, it's going to trip you up if you aren't careful. Don't feel sorry for OW. She's a grown adult, who has royally fucked you over. She doesn't deserve to be on the sole of your shoe.

Oh and just to add something a bit more cheery.....I went on to meet my now DH after leaving my cheating ExH. He is lovely. You will get over this and hopefully meet a lovely guy in time.

Brilliant advice Husky. Agree with everything.

how you doing OP

Solicitor to get money from him and phone the school to get her fired frankly. She shouldn't be able to look after children if she is happy to traumatised them like that. I'd just ruin them both.

Read through the thread and saw a bit where you said she may be told to resign. No, sorry not acceptable, get her fired so it's on her record. She shouldnt be allowed to work with kids. Sod her future. Her being allowed to resign will just mean she can continue working somewhere else, she has no right.

Hope you're ok OP

I’ve had another very busy day, sorry for the lack of update. I have attempted to write something several times but had interruptions for different things.

The family support worker has assured me that there is going to be a full investigation into her conduct. She says she won’t know anything until it has all taken place but they want to assure me she will not be in school and that they are fully supportive of us.

She has also compiled a letter for a carers assessment that may mean i get some respite. She thinks that dd and ds2 would qualify for it or at least direct payments. She’s talked me through everything I need to do for maintenance and we have done the gov gateway account.

I spoke to the solicitor briefly this afternoon, she has read all the information I gave her and says she is happy to help me. Like a lot of you on here she told me a few home truths about feeling sympathy for OW and said “people who try to see the best in people generally end up getting screwed over”. I am going to see her as soon as ds2 goes back to school, it’s just difficult to do anything when he’s off as he’s a bit of a rascal 🙂

I’m taking on board what you all say about getting tough. I am not terribly good at it but he has put us all through hell these last few months and the children deserve better, in fact I do too.

I have made a list of everything I need to do. I know we have a couple of boxes of paperwork in the attic and I suspect there will be information in them that might be useful so ds1 is going to bring them down this weekend so i can check.

I have also made an appointment with my doctor as I woke up in the early hours with my heart racing. I know it’s stress, I have had it before a few times but I can’t afford to let it get worse.

I have my neighbour, who is a bit of a handyman, changing both locks tomorrow so I am sure no one but me and my friend have keys. When I asked my neighbour about the locks he gave me their phone numbers and told me to call night or day if there is a problem.

Friend and I went through the text messages today and have screen shotted a lot of them for the solicitor. Most are trying to guilt trip me. One accuses me of turning the children against him and another says “answer me because you don’t want trouble”. I think he is angry because he realises I am not following his orders and doing what he wants.

Ds1 saw him drive past today as he was coming in from school. He said “You’re going to be really cross with me mum but I gave him the finger and it’s worth whatever punishment you give me.” It’s the first time I’ve laughed in days, usually I would give him a lecture but I wish I was brave enough to do that.

We are going to try and have a quiet weekend, C is coming for the day tomorrow and I will be able to have a break.

This is the most shocking post I have seen in Relationships for ages. Although sadly I remember a similarly sordid school one not so long ago at all

Pair of absolute, fucking bastards. Putrid doesn't cover it

OP you sound lovely - but don't be TOO lovely, will you? Because these 2 are not. & be sure - they will do anything and everything to make sure you cause as little waves as possible. They will play nice now so you stay in line, but its a sham.

Put the needs of yourself and your children first. Always.

She is very likely to lose her job either way, and so she should. Her professional judgement is way off-kilter.

Be careful with your DC because at the end of the day he is their dad and they will love him. Their emotions are going to be all over the place just like yours and they may not have the capacity that you have as an adult to try and understand it.

They will know you are a safe target for their anger and frustration. Don't let that hurt you.

I ❤️ your DS1

If there are more threats like “answer me because you don’t want trouble” you might think about calling 101 and getting it logged with the police. He will be very angry now and you already know that he’s controlling and narcissistic.