I need to get my head around this.

[Likesugarandcyanide]

I had a thread a few months ago about his affair with a woman he met at sports club. I dont know how to link, sorry.

Sorry if this is long and disjointed but I found out last night that OW works in my ds 2’s school. He never told me who she was, when I asked he said “just someone I met at * club, its not important”.

Over the last few months we have worked out how to keep things amicable, sort of settled into a routine where he comes here Sat/Sun and looks after them during the day to give me a break. Dd and ds 2 both have significant disabilities and health issues so it is the only break I get as dd is unable to attend school and tutored at home.

Yesterday evening ds 1 had a careers talk at school that I took him to. He was here looking after dd and ds 2. When we got back dd was very quiet and anxious, he left immediately saying very little.

As soon as he left dd broke down and said OW had been here, she needed his keys apparently and he let her come in and got them for her. Dd recognised her immediately as did ds2 because she works in the special school he attends. He told her not to mention anything to me but I think he left so quickly because he knew she would.

This woman sees me regularly, she’s chatted to me at school events over the last few months and all the time I had no idea that she is the OW. We went to a fundraising event in September and she was chatting away to my children while the family support worker was with us asking me how I was feeling. School have been very supportive, ds 2 reacted very badly to us separating and his behaviour deteriorated significantly.

I feel totally betrayed, I don’t know how either of them felt it was ok for me not to know. She has been so sweet and friendly, asking about me and all the children when I see her and all the time I didn’t know. She even knows where we live and came when she knew I wasn’t there. I’m wondering if lots of people in school know and I’m the idiot that has been in the dark. I walk into that building three afternoons a week to pick up ds and had no idea.

I had been adamant that they were not to be introduced to the OW yet, he has been pushing for it and kept saying things like “I’m hoping we can all be friends, you’ll like her”. When all the time he was hiding this.

I don't want her in my house, I don't want her near my children yet. Its only been a few months since they screwed up our lives. I want to ring the school and tell them to keep her to hell away from my son. There are pictures on the school website of them together doing a sports activity a few weeks ago and all the time she knew and he knew that they were making a fucking fool of me.

I've tried to be fair, I didn’t stop him taking lots of stuff from here to set up his new place. I haven’t argued when he pays less money for his children as he says his flat is too expensive. I feel like he has been playing me the whole time. He didnt want me seeing a solicitor, said we could arrange things ourselves to keep things amicable and all the time he’s been hiding this. I am such a fool 😞

So glad your seeing a solicitor! Can't believe what I have just read!

Actually the school’s family support worker mentioned respite today. She is ringing the council to get an assessment done as she thinks I may be able to get help. I did have night carers a few years ago when dd’s epilepsy and diabetes were very bad but then the cuts stopped it so I’m not sure if there are the resources any more. It is so expensive for carers, apart from me, I am worth £62 per week!

You just couldn't make this up, not much shocks me but I am on your behalf. I haven't read your previous thread but when I first started reading this one and you said your DC were a bit quiet when you got back in the house after he'd been looking after his own children, I thought he'd shouted at them for breaking something.
But the OW just popping in to YOUR home??? Uninvited? When your family or you haven't been told that she is their dad's live-in girlfriend? And an OW who is privy to information about your family, because she works with your child(ren). Unbelievable.

There is something wrong with her and him to imagine in their wildest dreams, that you would ever like or respect her, or that she could ever have a relationship with your children, considering how her life with your ex began.

Urgh.

I feel for your DC so much, and as has been said, they must have a great relationship with you, because they knew they could talk to you.

Your poor DD, worrying about all of the fallout from this. I'm so glad both you and her tutor emphasised to her that she was actually very strong and did absolutely the right thing for everyone, by telling you what had happened. Your DC must have been so shocked to see her walk in to their house.

I have a feeling that as pp has said, their love bubble has gone pop. They are both so awful that once all of the drama has worn off and:
*he's not getting the attention that he thinks he deserves,
*she is short of money because she doesn't have a job and she finds out how tight he is
*they are both social pariahs because everyone knows what they have done
*it dawns on him that he has ruined his relationship with his children

...life just gets that bit tougher every day.

Meanwhile you will get stronger every day and you will get through this. Did you have any luck changing your SIM card so that he can't keep texting?

Nothing useful to add.

What sort of vile excuse of a human being lies and lets his DC go without for 6 fucking weeks then pays less then he should so he can comfortably screw another vile excuse for a human.

I have nothing useful to add but I just want to say I think you are brilliant. Your children sound awesome.

I bet he’s lied to the OW about how much child support he pays you so that he can stiff her for rent and food. Do get that 75 quid a week figure out there.

You sound amazing.
What an absolute bastard. No words for the OW. I hope they both get exactly what they deserve.
Onwards and upwards for you indeed.

Make sure you appreciate how brilliant you've been

What awful people.
Nothing of value to add op, just support and hugs x

I honestly am agok at his despicable behaviour! To make you and his disabled children go without for six weeks, making you sell your jewellery to pay for your children to eat. He is honestly one of the most evil, selfish, narcissistic sociopaths I have read about on here!

Please tell me you have way more benefits now? You are entitled to CTC, ESA at the higher rate, you should be receiving DLA for each of your disabled children too. And now you have a lawyer you can get the proper amount of child maintenance in! Have you asked social work to complete a carers assessment? I am more than sure, that you will be entitled to either, direct payments to employ your own carers, or agency care, as well as respite. You and your DC should be better off in so many ways!

This thread is unbelievable, cheeky fuckers.

Good for you for being so strong x

I can't get over his anger that YOU'RE ruining HER life. The irony.

I agree that it sounds like she thought you knew. No normal person could be that two-faced.

Also agree that their relationship might not survive. He sounds vindictive and angry and might not be a side of him that she has seen before. No home, no sex, increased maintenance. Karma.

Hope it goes well with the solicitor. You'll probably feel deflated and tearful but that's normal. Hot cup of tea and deep breathes.

I honestly can't believe what a vile scumbag he's turned into or always was.

It's a relief to read that you are being well supported by the school, and your friends.

You need to do the Child Maintenance by the book. You'll need to pay a fee (think it's 4%) for them to collect it and remit it to you, and no doubt he will ask you not to do this because a) he has to pay a fee (on top) too, and b) it makes it harder for him to not pay some month's when he's feeling a bit "pinched". But you need to hold your line on that.

Best of luck to you. You sound fab.

Good luck with the lawyer - don’t give anything they’ve treated you abysmally!

You are doing amazingly. I had tears in my eyes reading some of your previous posts.

He is an utter Thundercunt!

My divorce was not nearly as acrimonious as this but I played the “nice, good girl” for far too long. We’ve been done for 6 years & I’m only starting to stand firm on things. I so regret not being this way from the start. You and your dcs deserve soooo much more than the crumbs he’s passing you. Hopefully SHL can sort it out for you! Stay strong!

Jesus OP....I think you have done the right thing in telling everyone...no more than they deserve, though expect angry backlash from Him/her now. They will have done a great job convincing themselves that they are Romeo and Juliet and have done ‘nothing wrong but fall in love’, or some such shit.

I can’t get my head around her behaviour. There’s enough training for teachers for her to know she has already crossed several red lines, but to talk to you about the kids whilst she knew what they were up to? To come to your home? It’s just mad and awful behaviour. And as for him...

I had slightly similar when it emerged my h had been having an affair with my best friend for a year and a half. During which time she had been advising me about my relationship, we’d been on holiday together, she’d been ‘depressed’ and they both allowed me to deeply worry about her and run around after her and look after her kids at times, like an idiot...
I felt a total mug. It’s devastating. But they were very very convincing (though I look back now and see things that happened/things that were said that would have been huge red flags had I ever thought it possible). You aren’t stupid and you aren’t naive. They have taken pains to hide this from you and because they will have told themselves ad finitum that ‘they couldn’t help it’, ‘they deserve to be happy’, etc etc they will have started to believe it fully, absolved themselves of any guilt and even, in their minds, turned you into the bad person here.

The woman in my case told me once,whilst It was going on but I was unaware, that she’d seen a counsellor who told her ‘by not doing what she wanted, she would be hurting herself and that would in turn be hurtful to the people she needed to be healthy and happy for, and so it would in turn be hurting them-so she should give herself permission to do the things she wanted to do for her and her children’s happiness’ Not sure that applies to shagging your best friends husband, cheating on your husband in the process, having an affair with your kids best friends dad....Amazing levels of self absorption some people have. I would imagine the woman here and your h are of the same ilk. Its not understandable so please don’t waste energy trying. The best liars are those that believe their own stories. Fortunately most other people can see through them once it’s all out in the open.

Best of luck op-solicitor, quickly. This will hurt like Fuck for a long time. But one thing that will help is if you are financially secure. Then you don’t have to worry about that, whilst you are trying to work on healing yourself.
Betrayal on this scale is mind boggling so I can also recommend getting yourself some counselling to help you get your head straight.it literally saved my life I think.

Dear dear OP. That's a huge amount of shock in a small space of time. But really, you sound so so so much better off without him. I think you have glimpses of that already. All this awfulness is helpful long term. If she hadn't come to your house, you wouldn't have known he was financially neglecting his kids. She could have continued to abuse her position with your ds2. If you hadn't been so angry as to tell the school staff, it may never have come out how he was living with her, and not the deposit stuff etc. It's all good, honestly. He sounds vile to have lived with, selfish and controlling. He's done you a huge huge favour here. I just do hope you can get all your entitled to, for your children's sakes. You are amazing. You have lived for so long with someone who sapped your energy and joy. Once you have some of that back (and more help), you will be in a much much better place than you were. Here's to the future...

OP..... I'm sat here reading this... my jaw is literally ajar at the audacity of this Man and Her ?! WTAF!

he is SCUM ..she is SCUM... this is quite possibly the most disturbing thing I have ever read Lady..... if she loses her Job then there is nobody to blame but herself and her skanky ass behaviour....

Get onto your Solicitor and the CSA and get what your Children are entitled too FAST ....

Sending Strength and Hugs and heart felt wishes to you and your children

OP.

I've been hooked on this thread trying to catch up between things all day.

You are fucking AMAZING.

Hand his balls to him on a bloody plate and make sure you take her down with him.

Fucking arseholes.

She bloody deserves everything coming to her.

Just wan

Whoops- just wanted to commend you on your mightiness, I’m so glad you’ve busy their bubble by telling everyone what scumbags they are. Lots of advice on chumplady.com on divorcing a narcissist. I hope you take him to the cleaners xx

You sound amazing! As a mother, a woman, a friend and a stranger on Mumsnet

I just wanted to let you all know I did go to the solicitor. Unfortunately I was only there about 20 mins when I had a call to go for ds2 as he had a little faint doing his standing exercises in physio, but she has all the paperwork I took with me, including all the stuff I wrote down last night so I wouldn't forget anything. She was very understanding and says to come and see her when he is better.

He’s fine now, they always make him very sick and then he sleeps for ages so he’s tucked up in bed.

I spoke to C briefly this afternoon, OW does own the flat. He has moved in with her but her friend is adamant that I knew who she was and was fine with it so he has possibly lied to her as well.

Tbh I am too tired to care, dd had a bad night and then ds2 today has meant I havent stopped. C has kindly offered to give me some help this weekend though so I can have a rest.

I am so lucky to have good people around me. It helps so much. Thank you all for all your kind words and support too. He is an utter shit but all the advice and support I have reminds me there are more good people around me than bad.