I need to get my head around this.

[Likesugarandcyanide]

I had a thread a few months ago about his affair with a woman he met at sports club. I dont know how to link, sorry.

Sorry if this is long and disjointed but I found out last night that OW works in my ds 2’s school. He never told me who she was, when I asked he said “just someone I met at * club, its not important”.

Over the last few months we have worked out how to keep things amicable, sort of settled into a routine where he comes here Sat/Sun and looks after them during the day to give me a break. Dd and ds 2 both have significant disabilities and health issues so it is the only break I get as dd is unable to attend school and tutored at home.

Yesterday evening ds 1 had a careers talk at school that I took him to. He was here looking after dd and ds 2. When we got back dd was very quiet and anxious, he left immediately saying very little.

As soon as he left dd broke down and said OW had been here, she needed his keys apparently and he let her come in and got them for her. Dd recognised her immediately as did ds2 because she works in the special school he attends. He told her not to mention anything to me but I think he left so quickly because he knew she would.

This woman sees me regularly, she’s chatted to me at school events over the last few months and all the time I had no idea that she is the OW. We went to a fundraising event in September and she was chatting away to my children while the family support worker was with us asking me how I was feeling. School have been very supportive, ds 2 reacted very badly to us separating and his behaviour deteriorated significantly.

I feel totally betrayed, I don’t know how either of them felt it was ok for me not to know. She has been so sweet and friendly, asking about me and all the children when I see her and all the time I didn’t know. She even knows where we live and came when she knew I wasn’t there. I’m wondering if lots of people in school know and I’m the idiot that has been in the dark. I walk into that building three afternoons a week to pick up ds and had no idea.

I had been adamant that they were not to be introduced to the OW yet, he has been pushing for it and kept saying things like “I’m hoping we can all be friends, you’ll like her”. When all the time he was hiding this.

I don't want her in my house, I don't want her near my children yet. Its only been a few months since they screwed up our lives. I want to ring the school and tell them to keep her to hell away from my son. There are pictures on the school website of them together doing a sports activity a few weeks ago and all the time she knew and he knew that they were making a fucking fool of me.

I've tried to be fair, I didn’t stop him taking lots of stuff from here to set up his new place. I haven’t argued when he pays less money for his children as he says his flat is too expensive. I feel like he has been playing me the whole time. He didnt want me seeing a solicitor, said we could arrange things ourselves to keep things amicable and all the time he’s been hiding this. I am such a fool 😞

I can't believe the cheek of some men!! To orchestrate an accidental meeting with your children! I'm so angry for you!

Ah well, they got the meeting they were so strongly pushing for. All fallout is on them.

if I made the effort to get to know her
You're just not putting enough effort in, for some reason... can't imagine what it might be ...

I don't get what his texts have to do with the school, though?

Raven, that she already loves ds2 because she knows him from school.

You're doing well, op. What a horrible situation.

What an awful situation. I don't think I'd send the texts to the school though.

Regarding the school, I would strike while the iron is hot and follow up sending on the texts to ask the procedure for a formal complaint, to whichever professional body covers her work, as well as asking the head what the procedure will be for asking for a formal review of safeguarding elements that would cover this - e.g., if the school do not have a policy that staff must disclose the extent of their personal relationships /links with pupils and their families, perhaps that should be changed.

In terms of her, you would write that you want to make a formal complaint as you believe the way she has acted will have broken any professional ethics code she should be bound by. You have indirectly now received harassing texts from her and your ex in relation to this. It isn't enough for her to be kept away from your son- you do not feel safe and supported in a school where someone like this is allowed to continue. Mention that it is now likely that contact will go to court as neither older child now wishes to continue contact with their father due to this, that there is the potential for things to get very complicated and should you eventually need to move schools thanks to this person, you will need a paper trail... etc.

Basically you present it as you not willing to accept a slap on the wrist and her being kept away from your son as that leaves YOU not being able to access his own school confidently, not being able to trust who has access to his record etc, and you drop in the suggestion that the school could find themselves explaining all this to the LEA when you request a transfer...

They might well end up advising her that she would be wise to transfer elsewhere herself 🙂. And with the gossip machine just getting going, she might just agree with them.

Lots of hassle and unpleasantness for OW = result.

Her out of your DS school = result.

Kick up (nicely) a fuss...

They are a special kind of narcissistic evil! All wrapped up in a pretty bow of deceit and pretend niceness!!
I am honestly astonished at how unprofessional the ow has been! Her sugary niceness and sucking up to you and the kids is unbelievably manipulative and sadistic! She was enjoying every minute of 'sympathising' with you, whilst knowing she was climbing into bed with your husband! Remember this has gone on long before your split! The level of her deception and her engineering ways to spend time with your ds and build a relationship with him, all whilst being 'so nice' to you and your other DC is honestly sickening! She has been using her position to manipulate the situation and she and your ex have been enjoying every single minute of it!

Normally cheating threads are full of posts, saying don't blame the ow, she didn't cheat on you, but this sadistic ow is below the belt! She betrayed your trust! She betrayed the trust of the school and worst of all, she betrayed the trust of your DC! I honestly hope that they throw the book at her! That level of deception deserves severe consequences! I hope that she loses her job over this! The very fact that you are now unable to collect your child from school, that your ds's routine has to be changed and a member of staff bring your ds to your car shows the devastating impact this woman has had! The fact that she chose to start an affair with the married husband of a child she is responsible for (a disabled child, which makes his family vulnerable) shows she is not fit to practice in my book! For her then to say to your ex, how much she 'loves' your ds! I honestly am speechless! She is a first class narcissist! Working in a position that will get her the adoration, praise and social standing she desires! I hope its all swept out from under her! Good for you OP! Tell everyone! Make life difficult for her! She knew how hard things were for you! That you were at home, alone, caring for disabled children! Whilst she was enjoying illicit meetings with your despicable scumbag ex! I honestly don't think you can get any lower! They are disgusting human beings!

Then for them to knowingly screw you over financially, so they can live in a posh rental and live the high life! I hope there is a special place in hell for people like them!

Take him to the cleaners op!!! Ask your friend if she can come round, as your ex will likely be very angry, when ow tells him she is now a social pariah and subject of the biggest gossip scandal to hit the school this year! Every time she speaks to a parent, she will feel them looking at her with disgust, shock or disdain. Hold your head high op, you have nothing to be ashamed of! You deserve the solidarity of the other parents at school! You reap what you sew and by God they have it coming to them!!!!

If your ex turns up angry, don't let him in! If he is being aggressive, call the police!! He has no right to abuse you in your own home!

I hope you have found yourself a s*t hot lawyer! No more being nice! They have sht all over you and they deserve every single thing that is coming to him!

I just want to add that you have amazing children!!!! Your ds standing up to his Dad and their cheering you on has filled my heart with warmth and admiration! They knew how awfully he has been screwing you over, the only reason they continued seeing their abysmal Father was out of loyalty to you! I honestly wish he would see himself through their eyes and see just what an abysmal Father and human being he is! He won't though, in his head, he and ow are lovely people, you are just turning the DC against him! No recognition of the fact that you had to persuade your DC to continue contact with him! That the only reason they agreed contact was out of loyalty to you!

Bally good post there Queen

They sound awful.

You and your children sound lovely.

I can't get over how brazen they've both been.

So did he actually meet her at this club or was it through school. Either way both their actions have been appropriate and appalling, you hit him where it hurts go to the solicitor and call CMS on him and she can deal with her actions via school.

Inappropriate not appropriate

How terrible, there behaviour is disgusting, very similar to my ex, middle son is serverly disabled and no speech, ex used to take him to school and unbeknown to me was picking sons key worker up and meeting at other times, she was lovely towards me whenever I took him in, it All came out in the end and he married her and now as 2 kids with her, they have hardly any contact with my son see him maybe once a year, and to be honest it’s the biggest favour she ever did me, well rid of him, I’m now married to and have a son with my husband and couldn’t be happier, just telling you my story has it does get better and you eventually see ex for what he is, love and wishes to you and your children xx

Well done for seeing the truth of his selfish ways op! You and your dc are better off without him.

Ps- you did not put her job/ life in jeopardy- she did , the school have a code of conduct for their staff, if she broke that then I fail to see how it's your fault that she must face the consequences of her actions.

She has agreed to take leave whilst her “conduct is investigated”. The school have been in touch, the family support worker wants to meet with me to discuss what they can do to help the children and I through this. Apparently they are “extremely concerned that I feel safe and welcome on school premises”.

I asked her if it was common knowledge in school and she says that “unfortunately word has spread rather quickly” (that's probably due to my blabbing to transport lady this morning!) She reassured me that staff are very shocked and sympathetic and send us their best wishes.

I am seeing a solicitor tomorrow, she has been recommended by my neighbour who divorced last year.

I’ve had several more texts, all along the same lines, getting progressively angrier that I am not responding. My lovely friend has sent him a message telling him she is willing to stand up in court and testify to his harrassment if he doesnt leave me alone.

Dd’s tutor has been here today, she says that OW probably will be persuaded to resign as she has broken several rules.

Dd is feeling better today, she was worried she had caused this upset. I kept telling her not but it's taken her tutor to tell her the same. Why listen to mum huh!

I just feel a bit flat. I’m not as angry and I just don’t really feel much at all. Hoping that means I just pick up and keep going and don’t fall apart for weeks like I did when he left.

Day at a time!

You've had an incredibly good result in a very short space of time. Justice can be very swift sometimes, it can leave you reeling/flat/numb. Hold on, let it roll through.

This is the very best result for you and the kids. Just focus on today and let tomorrow take care of itself

just shows that some people live in la la land, he is getting aggressive with you?? He is an arse! you deserve far better, and your kids are lucky to have such a great Mum...

* I’ve had several more texts, all along the same lines, getting progressively angrier that I am not responding.*

What is there to respond to? She was in a position of responsibility, she abused it, you had every right to make a complaint based on your concerns over your child. The complaint is valid and is being investigated. Now she must face the consequences of her actions.

For every action there is a reaction.

💥 -,that’s the sound of their little love bubble bursting.

Next stop - correct child maintenance. If his flat is too expensive, he needs to get a cheaper one. Pretty simple really, you can’t have your cake and eat it.

You are bound to feel a bit flat now...always after a huge shock....keeping drinking sweet milky brews and be kind to yourself and your wonderful DC.

Everyone is being incredibly supportive of you, OP, which speaks volumes about you. You're clearly not someone who creates drama and you have behaved immaculately throughout this. Well done.

Just let him keep sending the nasty texts. Great evidence for future legal proceedings.

And go for maintenance formally; you'll get what you're actually owed which is a lot more than what he's paying

Glad to hear the school have stepped up and that the gossip network is fully activated.

For weeks he has been hinting that I should have a few weekends away “to rest” and if I let them meet OW it would help because the two of them could do the caring. He did tell me she was experienced with disabilities due to her job. What a massive coincidence that a self-centred man who’s shown so little interest in looking after his high-needs children should fall for a woman whose job that is. It’s almost as though he’s sought out someone who can provide free childcare as well as servicing him sexually and listening to him bore on about his hobby. Uncanny,

OW has already lost her job but I wonder if the penny will drop before she’s had to give up her hobby - obviously they won’t both be able to do it when the DC are with them, and he’s so stressed...

Shnitzel, that made me lol. You are so right.

Well the plot thickens. I feel like I am on the set of a soap opera.

I had a call this afternoon from a lovely classroom assistant who I used to employ privately to look after ds2 in the holidays if dd had an appointment.

It is now the main gossip in the school. One of the other classroom assistants was aware of the situation, she is quite good friends with OW. Apparently she was under the impression that I knew and was happy with the situation. She also said to C “but he moved into her flat ages ago, I thought it was all out in the open.”

So if he moved in with her he wouldn’t have had a huge deposit to pay that meant he gave us no money for six weeks. I had to sell my jewellery to keep us going because for the first three weeks I only had carer’s allowance as income.

He has never taken ds1 there, he said it would be inaccessible to dd and ds2 so always just saw them all here. I’m assuming that was so we wouldn’t find out his lies. 😡

My god. He actually turns my stomach.