Caught DH sexting another woman

[user58104372]

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

So sorry OP. The only good thing about this discovery is it has firmed things in your mind.

Personally I would tell her DH, not out of spite or revenge but because he deserves to know. As terrible as it is it is good you found out and he won't get away with this awful treatment of you and your marriage any longer - I feel her husband deserves to know the truth equally.

You don’t have to rush into confronting him until you are ready. He has done this but you’re in control of what happens next and when to some degree. It’s very hard to process such an awful amount. I too think getting copies of the messages from her as well as to her is a good idea.

"She's a whore that's what I think of her. She could have stopped his advances but she didn't."

No, your DH is the whore. He was the one who saw her, obsessed over her, and pursued her. Don't do the graceless and stupid thing of trying to blame another woman for a man's faults.

This is totally cheating. I'm sorry it's happened, but the blame is squarely on your DH. I'd kick him to the kerb.

I’m so sorry op. What a shit your dh is. He hasn’t even noticed that you are in turmoil- I can’t for a moment believe that when you look at him pain isn’t written upon your face, because it reads in your posts so clearly.

Jesus, he really is disgusting.

Doing that in your house with you and the children there.

I think you'll just do what feels right to you now. Just make sure you've got the evidence for proof of his adultery.
If you DO confront the OW today make sure you've got evidence safely tucked away as she will tell your husband straight away. To me, you tell her you don't need to worry about how to tell him.
Get the locks changed and have his stuff out the front. I would get a solicitor sorted asap.
I understood your reticrncecsbd confusion earlier yesterday but you've really got to shut him down now.

This week will be awful but it can't be any worse than having him in the house lobbing his cock out and talking dirty whilst you quietly drive yourself bonkers.

💐💐💐

Ask the OW for her address so you can send his stuff there...

Can you see her OH on Facebook? If so I would send him a message later explaining what's happened. He deserves to know as he probably has no idea at all that he's married to someone who is up for having an affair.

As for your OH, I would just come out and say it without thinking up some complicated story. Just tell him the truth that you looked through his phone a couple of times and you know what he's been up to and you need him to leave tonight and give you some space. He'll probably break down and get on his knees for forgiveness but just ignore him and be as cold as ice. If he gets angry that you looked through his phone then tell him you obviously had good reason to suspect he was up to something and you were proven right by his disgusting actions

I'm so sorry OP. What a dreadful shock.

Kick the lying, cheating, heartless bastard out.

Personally I think that when he goes to work today (assuming he does), I would print out all the photos. Have his bag ready.

And when he comes home tonight hand him the print outs, followed by the bag. I wouldn't even say anything. And then once he has gone I would send them to her husband .

Yes DH is the whore. He’s the one who’s married to you. He’s responsible. It could have been any woman really.

Ive been following your posts OP, I feel so bad for what those twats are putting you through. I've been where you are now, 8 years ago ansd stupidly I took him back. Mine blamed his mental illness on his actions which is total bollocks, I realise that now and am in the process of getting my life together enough to leave him but I am so annoyed at myself for wasting so many years on him. Please don't make the same mistake I did. Tell him what you know, watch him squirm (or blame you, another common tactic) and tell him to get out. Then have some time for you to come to terms with what he's done. As for the other woman - just send the copies on to her husband and leave it for him to deal with, don't waste any more of your time thinking about that low life, she isn't worth it.
Take care OP

OP I feel very sad for you and sending you strength as I type this. I totally understand the huge range of emotions and suffering you are feeling right now as I have been through this myself and lived to tell the tale.
I believed I had a very strong marriage 6 years into our marriage. I am a teacher and one day during a half term off work discovered messages on his phone from several women - one in particular he was messaging about how marriage sucks and then other sexting including naked stuff/videos. I confronted, he minimised, I was in shock and not able to process the truth as it was out of character for the man 'I knew'. He stayed we got on with life said he would never do it again.
Fast forward a few months and I started getting niggles that things were not and have never really been okay. He was drip feeding, so I got software to download on PC that extracts deleted files called wondershare. I then discovered sex workers - Yes actual 'whores' craiglist hookups, dating apps sexting and porn so vile I could not eat for a week. I had a massive breakdown, (first of three) I stayed.
Second time he had to pick up a passport in Liverpool - discovered a sex worker appointment in Liverpool (he said it was curiosity and fantasty) This time I actually asked him to leave. He did went in bedsit (opposite a brothel) but he continued to pay bills etc never once begged me to come back. I had a massive breakdown and was now under the mental health crisis team. I asked him to come back under the condition that he stopped and we moved for a clean start,
Fast forward three months we moved house cleared debts that all of this has created. By now my physical and mental health so poor and I felt so worthless that I resigned from my job. In doing this I had a lot of time to reflect - the poor sex life, the drinking, the debt and guess after this 3 and a half year period, the penny started to drop and I started to feel different, bitter and sad that I and my 19 year old son had endured this.
Four weeks ago I was playing marriage police again and checked his fb as he had started to act funny again. Sure enough same old same old. Pics at work with erection to various ;fun girls'.
I did not have a meltdown went swimming and confronted him asking for truth this time - no gaslighting, no minimising no excuses. He admitted it. The next day I left and have filed divorce and not looked back.
Moral of my story - you will leave eventually, it is broken, but you do not need to endure the other losses I have - health money, career and self respect. I stupidly put up with over three years of my life that I do not get back. I have to now have trauma counselling - unless you have experienced this no one has any idea of what a situation like this does to your health, confidence self esteem and faith in people in general.
Dont waste time like I did. You deserve better and more.
Get support and advice - this is not your fault. He is a weak and selfish man but he made choices, you were not one of them
He is not your friend, friends do not treat others like this
Focus on you not him or her. In fact tell her she is welcome to this 'man' because you got better things to do than focus on negatives.
Google and read ChumpLady website. It saved me!
If you do stay (and I really dont think it will ever be the same) then new boundaries need to be set. My returning to him again and again, only gave the signal that I was prepared to put up and shut up so he lost total respect after that as in his eyes, I was desperate to stay at all costs. If you ever want to PM me please do. Sadly I understand the shock, horror, grief and extreme emotions that this entails. Sending hugs..

They're both disgusting to be fair. They both have partners, both have children. The pair of them are vile and don't give a shit about anyone but themselves.

I hope their bits turn green and fall off.

As I posted earlier, my darling, sweet, shy, adored husband did similar (only in his head, not real life). And it wasn't just me that was shocked, not one single person we knew EVER suspected he'd Switch affection like he did.
It's the feeling stupid that I found the worst. How could he be so different to the man I thought he was? How stupid was I not to see it?
Huge big unmumsnetty hugs to you, OP. Wishing you all the strength in the world.

1.) He's fucked her.

2.) If it wasn't her, it would be someone else.

3.) He doesn't think you are ' fuckable '

4.) Fuck him off !!!!!!

I understand it's a complete shock and all very raw but you are clearly a strong woman, keeping it together knowing what a scummy dickwad H is.

I'd send her DH screenshots of the stuff that she sent. Not purely for revenge although she deserves it but because her DH deserves to know what he married.

so sorry OP, time to put yourself first and bin the rubbish

the OW is most definitely a whore why else would a married woman be texting a married man however your husband is just as big of a whore and hrs the one you need to confront. i would also let the OWs husband know what she's been up to he deserves to know just as I'm sure you would want to know. she's the one who's messed her marriage up not you.

I don't know why I keep reading those messages. I'm having a coffee break and that's what I've been doing.. It's torture to read how much he wants to "fuck her from behind" because he loves her “sexy body so, so much". Or how he can only think about how she "feels, tastes and kisses". I'm 100% sure they haven't "fucked" as I'm sure that's how he would describe it. I think I would find comfort in thinking he left me when he started obsessing about her, but I doubt anyone can obsess so much unless he had already stopped loving me.

You’re going to make yourself ill re-reading those messages and sitting on this information without sharing it with anyone. It’s too much for one person to bear. You HAVE to talk to him today. Regardless of what you to choose to do, you need to speak to him ASAP.

OP why won't you confront him?!?!

This isn't gunna go away!

If they haven't slept together they most certainly will.

Get your act together asap.

Is he at work now? Pack a bag for him and text him to let him know he's not coming back.

You’ve really read all that and not confronted him? You must have incredible will power and control of your emotions op.

No, I haven't. I will tonight. My TA knows something is off and she's being extra supportive. My sister is having my DC after school, and probably stay with her overnight and I'll be at home waiting for him.

We're all different but personally I wouldn't want to know all the gory details.