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Original poster

Caught DH sexting another woman

910 replies

user58104372 · 29/10/2017 05:11

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

OP posts:
Teddy7878 · 30/10/2017 10:35

Does he have any inkling that something is wrong or is he totally clueless at the moment? Bet he'll crap his pants when he realises you know. He'll no doubt do the usual spiel to you of how she meant nothing and it was just a bit of fun when he was bored and he was flattered. Don't listen to any of his rubbish. Too many people these days choose to have their cake and eat it and think they can get away with it

ChickenMom · 30/10/2017 10:38

They are both disgusting and you deserve better. You don't owe either of them anything at all. They burnt any respect or decency. Print a copy of the messages or email or screenshot and send them to her husband. Poor guy. Has no idea what an evil harpy cow he's married to. Screw her. Screw your husband. Fuck them both. Burn both of them to the ground. If it was me, I'd get an emergency locksmith in right now. Change outdoor locks so he can't get in. Email him a copy of his dick picture at work. Say "here's your dick, you dick. Locks have been changed. Don't bother trying to get in after work. Your life is now fucked mate. Hope your slut was worth it. Suggest you ask her to put you up tonight. FYI I've emailed your messages to her husband too and contemplating publicising all of it all over Facebook so every one you know knows. You are fucked mate. Look forward to your divorce wanker"

Lottie509 · 30/10/2017 10:39

Have you confided in your sister op?
If your Ta has even picked up on your low mood it shows how uncaring he is and wrapped up in himself that he hasnt spotted it.
What a stupid man.

ChickenMom · 30/10/2017 10:40

and before you start to feel any sort of sympathy or guilt for him...somebody like this, this disgusting the way he pursued her, in betting he's got form and he's done it before. He's a con man and a liar and a sleaze

Greypaw · 30/10/2017 10:56

Just wanted to send some solidarity. I saw lots of the messages my then DH was sending his OW, all the sexting, the explicit details, telling her how glad he was he'd finally met his match sexually. It just left this crushingly disappointed hollow feeling in me. And it's so bloody unfair. No one can help falling out of love with someone, but if you've got to bring someone's life crashing down there are better ways than to sneak into the sitting room of your family home and sit there sexting while pretending everything is as normal. It's vile. I'm sorry you're going through it.

I can see the cycles you're already going through in this thread - denial, blame, gambling, anger - it's all normal of course. For what it's worth I think you're putting the blame squarely where it belongs now, but I'm not surprised you're wavering between anger towards him and her. You seem like a strong person, and I'm sure you'll be able to pull yourself up, away from this, from him, and towards something better.

MinervaSaidThar · 30/10/2017 10:57

I agree with the 'scorched earth' approach.

Good luck op Flowers

Mamabooksbabynumber2 · 30/10/2017 10:58

I've been following your posts op and this must be the most unbearable situation. Well done for organising getting the kids sorted so u can confront him. That's great first step in doing something which must feel incredibly painful, to confront him because once you have then the cat is out the bag
I think it's good you have got your ducks in a row so to speak.

Best of luck to you and be strong xx

SandyY2K · 30/10/2017 11:01

Try your best to be calm every you speak to him. I know it's easier said than done and a bit unrealistic, but you'll lose your train of thought if you become so upset and forget key points.

Write bullet points of what you want to say when you speak to him ... so often you forget things in such situations.

The fact that they haven't slept together is by the by. They are working towards that and enjoying the build up.

If you know her full name (and address) or general area she lives in ... finding her husband won't be too hard, although that's not your priority right now. I wouldn't even mention her husband to yours ... otherwise he'll tip her off. Leave him wondering what you'll do.

Not only did he go for another woman being married himself ... but he went after another man's wife. He's disrespected both marriages without a care in the world.

Don't forget to eat and stay hydrated. Even though you won't feel hungry ... just a little at a time to keep up strength up.

[Flowers]

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/10/2017 11:10

Eurgh. I’d be starting to wonder how he knows how she feels, to be honest...

Don’t torture yourself; although I know that I absolutely would. Take it easy today. Kick him out later; there’s nothing to save here. It won’t feel like it now, but one day you’ll find someone who doesn’t make it feel like they’ve settled. They’ll obsess about you and treat you like you deserve to be treated. It really does happen.

For now, one foot in front of the other, one breath at a time.

Mamabooksbabynumber2 · 30/10/2017 11:18

sandy makes an excellent point about leaving him wondering what u r going to do about the ow husband

hellsbellsmelons · 30/10/2017 11:21

Please try not to torture yourself by revisiting the screenshots and pics.
Believe me, I've been there.
I still have them on my phone and filed on my laptop, but I haven't looked at them for months now.
It's a bit of insurance for me for now.

You do this the way you want to.
As much as so many of us have been there and know what you should do, it's your relationship and your decision.

Good luck later though. I hope he fucks off and leaves quickly and you get some space and time with him out of your headspace.

yogagirl22 · 30/10/2017 11:25

Good luckFlowers
One thing I forgot to add you are a teacher like me so dont fall into the teacher trap of saving him and educating him. My scumbag claimed he has a sex addiction. Its not its a choice he wanted to risk our marraige family home and life for. He did not change despite knowing the consequences. I tried to save him and educate him. Being a teacher my driving force is to help others. I regret not having the same focus on myself instead of him. I would be in a very different position now. I doing it now it feels great no more policing him . I went through an obsessive phase the focus still on him and he did not care. Think carefully. You obviously bright empathetic and caring. Show those qualities to yourself. I will be thinking of you when you have the chat with him. Remember life is short you can choose to do better.x

MotherofTerror · 30/10/2017 11:25

Make sure you take screenshots/printouts of the evidence. He may try to minimise/deny. He may also offer to leave/give you a decent settlement in return for you not telling her husband. Also take all the documents you need - evidence of any savings, his salary, children's passports and birth certificates etc. Bundle it all up and get someone you trust to look after it for you.

Ploppie4 · 30/10/2017 11:25

Stay strong. You can do this

tygr · 30/10/2017 11:57

Really makes me sick how everyone else seems to think they know what’s best for the OP. It’s her life. This isn’t a soap opera.

Her feelings are her feelings. The way she’s dealing with it is the way she’s dealing with it.

There’s a reason why good counsellors/ psychologists and organisations like the Samaritans don’t give advice. They help people to come to their own conclusions.

OP, whatever it is that you feel you need to do to get through this is ok.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 30/10/2017 12:00

Be prepared for how you handle the OW and her husband finding out.

If you confront him it gives him chance too inform her and cover her tracks. If you confront her first you give her the chance too give him the heads up.

MTverystressed · 30/10/2017 12:14

OP try not to focus on him
'lusting' over her, and focus on actually confronting him and seeing where your relationship goes from here.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/10/2017 12:15

tygr
People post on here for advice.
Advice from hundreds of Women who have been right where OP is now and can give some great insights into what happens.
Don't dismiss it.
If she didn't want any advice she wouldn't be posting asking for it!!!!
No-one really knows what is BEST but we can certainly help with support and advice where we can.
That's what this board is for!!!!!

flumpybear · 30/10/2017 12:28

Tygr
This is a different platform from those you mention - OP needs to off load and she has and is continuing to do so .... Mumsnet posters can be supportive in many different ways for posters, if she wanted to she could ring Samaritans etc but she’s chosen to post here

yogagirl22 · 30/10/2017 12:28

Here here tgyr! I given advice because thete is no one on this planet that I loathe enough to go through what I went through. I can only say I want the OP to be spared...It never ends well but we do all have choices of how we behave x

Shakey15000 · 30/10/2017 12:31

Well good luck. He sounds stalky and creepy with all that “studying” of her body. They deserve each other and you deserve so, so much better.

123lookatme · 30/10/2017 12:46

So sorry OP I know that gut wrenching feeling, please be prepared though for him to:

  1. Deny it...then when he knows you have the evidence he will
  2. Say it was just banter nothing more just silly banter which got abit out of hand and he totally loves you and he was just plain stupid oh and
  3. She came onto me
Milkandtwosugars · 30/10/2017 12:59

If I had managed to stay quiet this long - I would tell the woman’s husband before confronting yours.

So sorry you’re going through this.
I have children school age and I can’t imagine having to deal with this. Flowers

LazyDailyMailJournos · 30/10/2017 13:00

Tygr nobody here as far as I can see is treating OP like her life is a soap opera. As PP have said, this is a place for advice - not the Samaritans. People post here specifically because they want help and a steer on what to do - and the benefit of others' experience. If you have an issue with that then I'm struggling to understand why you're on the Relationships board.

Original poster
user58104372 · 30/10/2017 13:09

Shakey15000 there were messages and messages on how much he "studied" her bum. He actually used that word. I agree he sounds like a proper stalker. I really don't recognize this man.

I still don't know about telling her DH, o agree he deserves to know, but the decent thing for her to do is to come clean.

I don't think he can get out if this, I have the evidence, I know the whole context. I can't fall for any lies.

OP posts: