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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Caught DH sexting another woman

910 replies

user58104372 · 29/10/2017 05:11

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

OP posts:

lollipop7 · 29/10/2017 22:41

@SpareASquare I get your point but I think when someone is reeling, the clutching at straws and lashing out at someone other than the shit that did the bad thing is quite commonplace. The subconscious longing to believe this cannot be happening, where did that person I loved go is competing with the total incredulity at the monumental insult you’ve been hurled

Perhaps now is not the time for this sort of thing, though of course you’re absolutely right it takes two to tango. Just not sure that it’s fair right now to critique someone’s grief at the betrayal they’ve been slapped in the face with. I hope in the fullness of time the OP will see that the person whose really destroyed her is her revolting excuse of a husband

Original poster

user58104372 · 29/10/2017 22:47

I really don't know the deadline. If what he told her is true he started lusting after her sometime before the summer holidays. He saw her in some lycras and that was it. He lusted after some piece of ass... He went through my contacts on FB and found her but that was much later around September. They started chatting probably mid September so it's all fairly recent.

OP posts:

NameWithChange · 29/10/2017 22:50

@SpareASquare Who knows what the OP will do? She has an awful lot to work through and doesn't know anything at the moment. Why make a pointed comment like that when the poor woman has just had her life as she knows it ripped apart? No need.

NameWithChange · 29/10/2017 22:52

Oh well then at least you have a handle on what seems to have happened.

Keep strong OP, this is an enormous betrayal and will take some working through.

GlitterGlassEye · 29/10/2017 23:06

Call her what you like op. You are heartbroken. HE is a disgusting little arsehole and you got that degree by your own merit so don’t excuse him.

I’d screenshot all the msgs and pm her through Facebook and wait for his reaction but then I’m a vengeful bitch.

yetmorecrap · 29/10/2017 23:08

Op, I do suggest you ask him to move out to get some headspace, there is nothing harder than being in the same house day after day with someone who you feel you don’t know and who shat on you, it doesn’t have to be a forever decision, but it’s very very hard going without that headspace

Dancingtothemusicoftime · 29/10/2017 23:16

Hi OP, so very sorry you are facing this nightmare. I've PM'd you

doodle01 · 29/10/2017 23:18

Don’t start fire in your own camp send the details to her husband anon if poss and see what happens

SpareASquare · 29/10/2017 23:25

@SpareASquare Who knows what the OP will do? She has an awful lot to work through and doesn't know anything at the moment. Why make a pointed comment like that when the poor woman has just had her life as she knows it ripped apart? No need

Been on this earth long enough to have a pretty good guess at which way this will go. Wonderful husband, evil slut. Believe it or not, I get it. Hate the mindset but do understand it

Regardless of what the OP does or doesn't do, I wish nothing but the best for her and her children.

Wetwashing00 · 29/10/2017 23:43

I would Print out the screenshots, hand them over and wait for the bullshit excuses to fall out his mouth. Then tell him he must leave.
Be prepared for him to minimise it or blame you (in some way) or full on break down and accept he’s done wrong, begging forgiveness.
What will you do if he begs forgiveness?

lollipop7 · 29/10/2017 23:51

Personally I’d avoid any sort of retribution through telling her husband. It’s not your role to be some sort of emissary of pain. Don’t make it your job to hurt someone else because of their hateful transgressions. You have no idea of the dynamics of their relationship, their treatment of each other, their history anything. I would steer well clear. The feeling you’d get from telling him might not even give you a fleeting thrill and once it’s done it’s done.

Conserve your energy and wits for dealing with what is important:

your kids
getting a solicitor
support for you
finances
getting him out of the house
allowing yourself some time to fall apart and then explore ways in which you can start to heal.

I hope you won’t be able to consider staying with him, if not for your sake but your children’s. But I think you are going to need some wind put in your sails. That’s what we’re all here for.

How are you now? Has anything happened?

Ploppie4 · 29/10/2017 23:52

Pack his bags

GoulishGoblinPumpkinSnatcher · 30/10/2017 00:03

It must be so hard for you to try and act all normal whilst knowing everything. Try and gather as much evidence as is possible without getting caught. Then bam in ya face confront him. Be prepared for him to deny it first, then tell him you have the evidence after. It must hurt so much knowing he has been doing all of this behind your back when you thought everything was like a marriage should be. Remember to do what you want to do. I bet your going to hardly get any sleep tonight. Thinking of you.

Garlicansapphire · 30/10/2017 00:09

Dear OP

I'm so so sorry for you. Its a horrid devastating shock. As others have said there's no excusing his behaviour, he is not a great man or shy or anything else. He has betrayed you and pursued his seedy desires without a care or thought for you - even discussing it with a friend.

Get in touch with your cold hard anger. This man is doing you harm and doesnt care. He needs a cold hard shock - right now he is not worthy of you in one tiny iota. You need to protect yourself and kick him out. There is nothing he can say or do right now that will excuse his behaviour. Obsession my arse.

Every situation is different but to pursue someone so directly and boldly suggests this is what he is capable of and I'd be surprised if this hasn't ahppened before. I have read those messages and a month or so later discovered the full blown affair he'd carried out before. Maybe he hasn't but be aware its very possible.

Big hugs and love to you. Please don't let him pull the wool over your eyes when you confront him. He should be ashamed and abject but dont be surprised if he tries to lie his way out of it or blame you. Because one thing you now know for sure is he doesnt care about hurting you, he is a liar and a deceitful weak man and he will very likely try to minimise. Be strong and cold and hard.

Good luck. x

Original poster

user58104372 · 30/10/2017 05:27

I've been trying to sleep but I haven't been able to. I went through his phone again, they did it again tonight. He does it in our sitting room, he sent her a photo and a video this time. She sent him photos in her lingerie. They kept talking about shagging person like a fact and something inevitable. Their filthy romance was apparently "written in the stars". I have all the evidence I need. I want him to leave tonight. Haven't decided about the OW and her husband.

OP posts:

GinIsIn · 30/10/2017 05:28

Enough. Wake him up now, and tell him to fuck off to OW's house and not come back.

threeandmeandthedog · 30/10/2017 06:03

OP you need to confront him. I am in a similar situation. I found out last week. It has been awful. But you have a right to the truth and you will feel better. You will find rage and strength.
I have asked my 'H' to leave as I want space and time. It is awful and it is shit and sorry you are married to a selfish arsehole too.

Ploppie4 · 30/10/2017 06:08

You could let the husband know via a new Facebook conversation with snapshots. You don’t have a duty to tell him but i know I would want to know.

Pack his bags while he’s at work today. You will get through this. Everything is at its worst just now.

Chikka1971 · 30/10/2017 06:23

OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’ve actually come a long way in 24 hours....I can tell by the way you talk that you are slowly processing the horrible truth. Well done. It takes time and it will continue to sink in over the computer my days and months. He is an arse. And he wants to be an arse. That’s the thing. He likes it. Please don’t let him make you feel sorry for him when you confront him. He wants the thrill of affairs. He likes the seedy side of sex. When the anger comes, use it. It’s a very useful emotion in these horrible situations. We need anger to fuel us and get us motivated to make the necessary changes. You deserve so much more. Use all the support from MN , we are all behind you.

Lottie509 · 30/10/2017 06:53

Yuck hes so disgusting, I agree with pp send the screen shots to her husband as well, Burst their bubble.

lou1221 · 30/10/2017 07:08

He's blatant, not even attempting to hide it, probably getting a thrill of you possibly walking through the door whilst they're doing it. He's keeping the messages like trophies.

When my dad had his three affairs he kept everything hidden,destroyed etc. As bizarre as this sounds, your husband, wants you to know. He's not hiding anything. I know you've got school today, are you likely to he home before him? Can you get a locksmith over to change locks? You have the evidence, get all financial docs, certificates, passports, etc together. Pack his bag and leave it outside the door. I would also send him maybe the video and tell him to f off.

As for ow, don't look at her, don't talk to her, whilst at school. This is your place of work, this is your sanctuary away from him. Confide in a trusted friend, maybe tell slt so they have a heads up (you may need time off). your class is so excited to see you today, focus on them until school finishes. Good luck xx

newdaylight · 30/10/2017 07:10

He's not what you thought he is, and you deserve so much more

GeekyWombat · 30/10/2017 07:25

I’m so sorry OP.

Hope this morning gives you clarity decide what you want your next step to be.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 30/10/2017 07:28

I'd tell him just before he leaves for work - hand him an overnight bag with some things in and tell him to find somewhere else to sleep tonight.

Then I would get the kids off to school, and when you see her I would quietly draw her to one side. Tell her that you know and that she has today to tell her husband what's been going on, because if she doesn't then you will - and that you have screenshots.

GoulishGoblinPumpkinSnatcher · 30/10/2017 07:31

The lingerie screenshots are one for the husband...keep evidence of them. I'm sure her husband would be thrilled to know she is sending sexy posing shots of herself. Use them when necessary. How can you contact him?
Don't tell her husband just yet. You need to sort this out for yourself first. Then destroy her marriage just like she and your DH has yours. She deserves it. She could have stopped it all, but she chose not to. Just like your DH. To do it last night as well whilst you was in the dining room is another blow. Like you haven't had enough? I agree with PP's. He isn't hiding it. Men doing this kind of thing normally are sneaky with their phones and don't let them out of their sight. I'm sure by the time it gets out and they realise their marriages may be over they will regret all of this. But of course by then it's too late.
Because part of the thrill of doing this is excitement, whilst still being married. Where will the excitement be once their worlds come crashing down?
I was thinking of you last night and this awful situation. Please know you have our support.

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