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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Caught DH sexting another woman

910 replies

user58104372 · 29/10/2017 05:11

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

OP posts:
Graceflorrick · 29/10/2017 20:05

OP, you are completely minimising your DHs behaviour. It also seems like you don’t have a great insight into who your DH actually is.

Annieshop · 29/10/2017 20:08

You can only process so much trauma at once, take your time, op,
just deal with as much as you feel you can handle. The bottom has
fallen out of your world as you knew it and it will never be the same again, there are no rules on how you handle this. Flowers

Ohffsmalcom · 29/10/2017 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
user58104372 · 29/10/2017 20:23

Yes, he's been around for a few hours now. I'm trying to act normally. No I don't have screenshots of everything. There are many, many just everyday messages, but at least a third of all messages have some sort of sexual content. I would have to hold on for another day so I could get screenshots of every single message exchanged.

OP posts:
Lottie509 · 29/10/2017 20:25

I feel for you op don't let him treat you like this, You will come out of this better off, He is a liar and a cheat, You can do so much better, Get out of this relationship whilst you are young enough to bounce back hes no good for you.

Mulch · 29/10/2017 20:28

Op people telling you to get mad and how to feel isn't helpful. The thing with feelings is that they're there or not. Anger might come later and that's OK, people work through things in their own time

Whisky2014 · 29/10/2017 20:33

If i were you I'd just say you know what's going on and you need to talk. Then let him speak to you. Don't let on how much or how little you know.

Valentine2 · 29/10/2017 20:34

So sorry this is happening. Stay strong. Flowers

ItsLeviosah · 29/10/2017 20:37

So sorry to read this.
How you are keeping it in for now is amazing to me. Something similar happened to me and I was shaking uncontrollably and struggled to speak I was filled with so much shock and rage.
It’s a horrible thing to go through so I am sending a virtual hug and Flowers

Original poster
user58104372 · 29/10/2017 21:18

I feel numb, that's really how I feel. Stupidly I started reading the messages that I was able to screenshot he basically worships her. He talks about all her different body parts and how "enticing" they are. How he spent "a long time studying them" whatever that means. He clearly planned this for a very long time.

I think I'll confront him tomorrow, once I've been able to get all of those missing screenshots.

OP posts:
OpenThePickles · 29/10/2017 21:27

OP sorry you're going through this, it's shit. For all the people saying not to blame the other woman but blame your husband...Why can't they both be held responsible for this? I hate the way Mumsnet excuses these women.

You say you don't think it's your place to tell her husband about this, if it were me I would tell her husband, he deserves to know what he's married to.

Itsonkyme · 29/10/2017 21:32

Yes, do that. After you've confronted him and got him to leave, (just wondering if your sister could be there to look after the kids). You need to tell your bf and get her to come over. Show her the screenshots and see what she says. Then I would show them to OW's husband somehow. He deserves to know!
Stay strong! I hope that you realise that you Will never trust him again. Unfortunately, imo it's over.

Gemini69 · 29/10/2017 21:35

he's a Scum Bag OP... I'm so so sorry.. I'd be inclined to contact Her first... then let him find out via Her .. that you KNOW... Flowers

happypoobum · 29/10/2017 21:40

I would wait until he is out and then pack all his stuff and send it to his mums/friends/brothers in a taxi.

Then I would contact the OW husband and tell him what was going on.

Then I would text him and tell him not to come home, he would be hearing from my solicitor. I could never come back from this.

No trust = No relationship.

lollipop7 · 29/10/2017 21:44

Was wondering how you were this evening, and I’m so sorry to read about how much inevitable turmoil you are in. It’s truly dreadful.

Do you have to actually go to bed in the same room as him!and how is being with you this evening? It’s strange how people who’ve done something like this pick up they’ve been caught out sometimes and their behaviour changes.

It’s awful to have to read treacherous things by someone you thought loved you. As they say the pen is mightier than the sword. I know myself that reading them is both peculiarly cathartic and gut wrenching.

Ooogetyooo · 29/10/2017 21:49

Wishing you luck that's all 💐

scatterbrainedstarfish · 29/10/2017 21:58
Flowers It’s upsetting reading your posts OP. I really sympathise with you. It takes me back to the hell that I went through. Sending you strength to get through it.
NameWithChange · 29/10/2017 21:59

Good plan to copy the rest of the messages - just the incriminating ones.

Could you speak to your best friend and tell her without mentioning names? I hate to say it but do you think there is a chance she would know? Does your H mix with this woman at all socially/professionally? Or did he just develop this attraction at the school gates?

Can you get a framework on some dates? When the messages started becoming explicit and how long it has been going on for and he has been keeping up this face? I think that would matter to me in the grand scheme of things.

Trust is very important to me so I don't think I could forgive, but I know people who have forgiven a lot worse. There is no wrong or right decision here, it is just what feels best for you and the DCs once the dust settles.

I'm so sorry you are going through this 💐

Ella99 · 29/10/2017 22:00

This is really horrible, I hope that you confront him and get some answers as you deserve them.

Flowers
Original poster
user58104372 · 29/10/2017 22:00

He's been OK. He's been watching telly while I'm the dining room preparing for tomorrow. If he's actually watching telly or not I don't know.

OP posts:
SpareASquare · 29/10/2017 22:09

Man who actively pursues another woman: Great man, supportive, great dad, loving, shy, sweet, not really aiming for affair

Woman (who initially resisted btw) : Whore, slut, scumbag.

Anyway, sorry you are going through this. I'm not going to tell you what I think you should do because I think it's pretty obvious what you WILL do. I do wish you the best though.

Lottie509 · 29/10/2017 22:17

I dont know how you are managing to hold all this in op.
How are you going to sleep in the same bed with him tonight?

TheVanguardSix · 29/10/2017 22:28

Fuck that shit. That’s cheating all day long!

CharlieBoo · 29/10/2017 22:32

So sorry you’re going through this. You’re in shock at the moment. Shock makes you want it all to go away, to minimise, to blame the OW..

Think about what you want before you confront him.. divorce, work things out..

In the beginning I hated the OW... she stole my life, ruined my marriage, my family... I was obsessed with her and what she’d done.. over time that has lessened. I don’t think about her at all now.. my husband is where the blame should lie... but it’s a process and in the beginning it can be hard to see that. He isn’t the person you thought he was and it’s hard to accept.

If it were me, I’d get my ducks in a row, gather as much evidence as you can. The first person I’d show the screen shots to is her husband. Then I’d tell him you know, and throw him out. Then decide what you want..

I’m so sorry.. it’s shit but you can do this x

C0untDucku1a · 29/10/2017 22:40

Your husband sounds like a real creep.