Caught DH sexting another woman

[user58104372]

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

The gym bunny/charidee work combo suggests she’s a massive narcissist btw.

I was with my ex for 28 years, for most of that time I would have sworn he was faithful. A few years ago I caught him out, he sworn on our kids lives it was a one off, nothing happened etc etc, roll forward and I caught him out again this time he admitted he had cheated going right back until our eldest was a baby 20+ years ago. My whole life with him was a lie and according to him the male partners of mutual friends were present (according to him they all did the same sort of thing) so I had the humiliation of loads of other people always knowing that he was cheating on me. I'm much happier without him.

I hope you're ok OP. It must have been a real shock when she called - and caught you completely on the back foot which is what she (and possibly your H) wanted.

I'm shocked for you. What a brazen bitch with absolutely no consideration for your feelings at all. We knew that from the way she was carrying on with your H but to call you and say the things she has said are almost unbelievable. What does your best friend think? Have you told her?

Wow just wow !!!!

The posters on here who say she is fabricating this bullshit, are only half right. Your husband and this woman are colluding together. Massive damage limitation exercise that would seem to get them both of the hook. I wouldn't be surprised if your partner was standing next to her when she made the call.

You are all over the place at the moment, you need time to think your discisions. Telling the other woman's husband, in a gentle and measured manner, would not be revenge, but that is your choice.

I was in the shoes of the other woman's husband, once. Eventually, my wife's best friend told me. She told me because she witnessed me being driven to the edge of insanity, with strongly suspecting something but having no proof. Months of months of my ( ex ) wife's dramatic change of behaviour and attitude towards me, despite any and all efforts I made.

I thank her best friend, every day, from releasing me from that mental and emotional torture.

So I’ve been watching this thread and tonight my husband of 17 years came home and said he’s leaving as he dosen’t love me anymore.
One day you’re all ok the next your world comes crashing down.
OP you’re calmer than I am, I just want to sleep and not wake up.

I wouldn't be surprised if your partner was standing next to her when she made the call.

Absolutely ... it could well have been his idea. Why else did she call you.?

Just to tell you she kissed him in your family car! I very much doubt it.

She's shit scared that any moment now it will all come crashing down around her.

@Glitterpony51

Sorry about the end of your marriage.

glitterpony

I’m sure if you felt it would be helpful a thread of your own in relationships would get you a lot of support. Not meaning to be snippy at all, sounds like you need some hand holding and your post is so far in an established thread it may get missed

Glitter

Start your own thread, tell us your story, you will get lots of support, here......

So sad for you.

@Glitterpony51 I’m so sorry 💐

I don’t think I can read this thread anymore. It’s astonishing to me how many of you are literally frothing at the mouth and completely obsessed with encouraging the OP to spend vital time needed for other matters on this stupid woman and her life. Why does it fucking matter?

I genuinely don’t get it.
If this thread removed the duplicate comments there would be about 100 posts.

I’m telling you now it’s going to get picked up by the Daily Fail as a stick to beat us all with.

OP I know you’re in so much pain and want closure. You’ll never get it. You just need to make a decision about your future for you and stick to it. Your husband and this woman are not worth one more second of your anguish or mental energy.

Leave them all to it. I really hope you do. The truth is none of them give a shit about you including her poor husband. And the truth should set you free.

Very best of luck 💐

So sorry you’re going through this. You sound so strong and with it! Hats off to you!
My only advice to you is not to engage with her, she will be shitting it, let her stew! Put yourself first, she’s nothing. If you want to send her dh the messages, then do it, but then disengage and concentrate on you and your children 💐

Sorry you are going through this.

I would put money on the fact that she is shit scared you will tell her DH and is bluffing.

Personally I would give her the opportunity to tell her DH - she can probably put it better than you would. Let her know that either she tells him by xx or you call him and spill the graphic details. Say you will call/contact him to talk to him about it as the betrayed parties.

Then you re-assess your life and decide how you want to live it . Good luck.

I think that you have enough emotional turmoil of your own at the moment, without making more for yourself. You have yourself and your children to think of.
You shouldn't have to be thinking about, whether or not it's your responsibility to tell some guy, that you don't even know, his wife has been sending your husband sexy texts and photos.
I fail to understand, why this is your responsibility. You don't know the guy! Why should you owe him anything?

All that should matter to you, is what your husband has done and how you can protect yourself and your children.
The rest of it is quite honestly none of your business. Unless what you want is revenge, I would leave it.
Even if you want to tell him, there's no rush. So just leave it for now!I
You've more important things to deal with.

And I agree with Lollypop7
Some on here should stop pecking at your head, with regard to whether you tell her husband or not.
Believe me, they're not concerned with your welfare at all.

@FritzDonovan

Frankly, finding out that my H had cheated would be a blow. It wouldn’t make any difference if I’d found out from the other aggrieved partner, the OW, a friend or my H.

The messenger doesn’t do anything to “soften” the message in this instance.

If the OP wants to contact the OWH that’s her call. However she didn’t create this shit storm and her priorities are the welfare of her children and herself. Informing the OWH isn’t her burden or responsibility, especially when his response might be counter productive to her emotional and mental wellbeing.

If she feels able/is willing to communicate with him now - understanding his response is unpredictable and may well cause additional stress - then that’s her choice.

However that’s different from the “moral” obligation to “tell him now” that posters such as yourself are placing on her shoulders when she’s barely had time to come to terms with this herself.

As a pp alluded to it feels like goading someone into a course of action to get the next “exciting” update on the thread in time for tea tomorrow.....

Its 3 days since the opening post. In that time she’s confronted her H and told him to leave, had to tell her kids, spoken to the OW and now being “expected” to speak with the OWH.

As I’ve said upthread I agree the OWH should be told but it doesn’t mean today/tomorrow or even next week. It doesn’t mean the OP should do it either.

To be clear if the OP wants to that’s fine - I just don’t like posts goading her into doing it by making it “her obligation” and on a timeline to satisfy the attention span of an online audience.

Really, darth, im goading OP into provifing an evening's entertainment? Nothing could be further from the truth, thanks very much.
OP is obviously free to do what feels best for her and dc. Whatever that is. I have stated upthread that i personally would tell him, because I would want someone to tell me in those circumstances. I find it ridiculous that some ppl say not to tell in this situation (generally, not specific to OP) because 'it will come out in the end'. No it wont, if everyone who knows keeps quiet. And yes, discovering a partner had cheated would be a blow either way, but i would rather find out from the betrayed party than hear the village gossiping about me, and have to ask for details myself.
Obviously everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but i don't think you are entitled to jump to conclusions and tell me what my motivations are, when you have them so wrong anyway!

@FritzDonovan

The only person who has a responsibility to tell the OWH is actually the OW herself.

She now knows the secret is out, so the mechanism of how he is told and when he is told is up to her.

She can tell him or leave him to be “the last to know”. That’s on her head - not the OP’s.

darth i didnt say it was OPs responsibility. I said i thought she should tell him because i would like to know (from her, rather than the village - behind my back) if i was in that position.

Everybody is giving an opinion, which generally ends with the caveat ' Op, you must do what you feel is best for you and your children ' or something similar. Most people are not goading Op, just genuinely concerned.

And of course, she owes the OWH nothing, but it seems perfectly reasonable to make an educated guess that her husband and the other woman are conniving to minimise things. Expect her Narc husband to turn up in a few days saying Op has blown it out of all proportion.

Imagine being in a marriage where your partner had behaved like these two juveniles, but not knowing. And then dindiny out that people knew but didn't tell you. Personally I'd be so upset about the wasted opportunity for me to make up my own mind based on the facts. Ignorance is certainly not bliss in these circumstances. He needs the truth to make an informed decision about his cheating wife and his marriage.

@lollipop7 Such wise words!

Btw lollipop, 'keep on keeping on'! 👍💐

My mum was in a similar situation before she divorced my dad a few years ago.

Unfortunately he has cheated with anyone and everyone throughout a 25 year marriage.

They divorced and my dad has been married twice since on 5 years...says it all.

What rubbish if anyones goading the op its the ones who dont think she should tell.
Just because people don't agree with you you don't need to dramatise their behaviour to make your point sound more valid.
Its really manipulative.

So sorry OP, you really didn't need to hear from her.

I believe she is scared you are going to tell her DH and by saying it won't matter if you do, that's her desperate attempt that stop you.

Her phone call to you, when you are already in so much pain, is just more proof of how selfish and self serving she is, and yes, I think your DH probably advised her that phoning you may stop you telling him.

They are selfish bastards and you really didn't deserve that. Keep strong you are doing so well