Caught DH sexting another woman

[user58104372]

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

Yes but not from anyone other than him. If this is the same for him as the OP that’s also incidentally what he deserves.

I wouldn’t expect or want the other injured Party doing this. I would be deeply uncomfortable.
And who’s to say I would believe it?

I understand that people are saying it’s OP’s choice, clearly it is. I also understand the not wanting to sit with that on your mind but the reality is everything else is an unknown quantity.

There are so many variables here. So many of you are assuming he doesn’t know, will be devastated, will throw her out and have some sort of epiphany when OP tells / shows him the incriminating evidence as she’ll probably end up having to do. He might tell her to fuck off and what goes on in their marriage is none of their business .

The possibility of undertaking some sort of emissary of infidelity role is that it could actually only serve to cause the OP more trauma and pain than any other outcome.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I think this telling the husband has a bit of a soap opera vibe to it.

I think you’re damned if u do and damned if you don’t.
Shooting the messenger happens a lot, and it’s a risk you take.
Id tell him what you know and say you have evidence if he wants to see it. But don’t show him unless he asks.

I honestly haven't thought far enough for any of those options. For me honesty prevails. I would want to know in this situation and I would actually feel grateful to the person who told me. Of course I would be shocked, but I would far rather know the truth about the person I am sharing a bed with and make an informed decision than be kept in the dark.

I understand that is just my opinion!

If and when it all comes out he could confront the op to ask why she didn’t tell him.

That's just priceless. You can search for me on other threads. I'm a single mum, and have a narcissist for an ex. I post a lot on narc threads. That's why I'm saying you don't go wading in on other people's marriages without knowing the situation.

Lolli you speak wise words. I'm off.

Op follow your instincts, what ever they tell you. You seem a very sensible person

@jeaux90 OP owes the other woman nothing.

Sorry I was busy with the OW who decided to contact me. She told me she was sorry to start with but that she eventually realised that he had done this before and that he was more likely than not a serial cheater. So all guilt went away. Her husband apparently will forgive her anyways so I'm free to tell him. Oh and they did kiss at some point in our family car.

What? She thinks he has done this before? From what you said, it doesn't sound like he has, why hide it the other times and not this time??

It must've been hard talking to her, I was in the same position a very long time ago, but in my case my ex was a serial cheater.

Are you ok?

She's bold and playing you me thinks

Call her bluff - get straight on to her husband

I think you should still meet with the husband. Not out of revenge or anything, but for the simple fact that if he decides to forgive her, he understands what he is forgiving. I.e. The type of messages, kiss etc.

She is trying to prevent you going to tell her husband by trying to lead you to believe he doesn't care. She is totally playing you (I think).

The OW’s husband deserves to know, but I’m not convinced the OP should be the one to do it directly.

The main reason is she has no idea what the reaction will be.

I’m damn sure her H has told the OW the news is out, so she’s had days to plan her “strategy”.

She might have already “confessed” and begged forgiveness, she may have spun a yarn about the creepy teacher who thinks she’s having an affair with her husband, they might be in an open relationship, they might be a couple who get a kick out of this type of shit (a form of online dogging as it were), it might be a “revenge” fling on her part that’s not been consummated that he feels is fair game under the circumstances - truth is neither we or the OP knows.

As such his reaction is unknown. He might be aggressive, bullish, devastated, in denial etc

The OP has a lot on her plate to deal with. Add to that the unknown quantity of another persons reaction isn’t a priority.

I remember a thread (years ago) where the OWH’s wanted to meet up and talk about it, have many phone conversations etc and treated that OP as some sort of counselling service under the guise of a shared bond of pain - even to the point of suggesting a reciprocal fling to balance the scales....far to much additional crap to deal with when the welfare of your children and life is a priority.

As I said in a pp I wouldn’t directly contact the OWH. I’d simply be open about what had happened to all and sundry and let the local jungle drums do the rest. If I heard he wanted proof I’d send it, but that’s the extent of it.

I’d be circling the wagons round my family and let others do the same for theirs.

Hope you’re ok after that conversation OP.
I would have struggled to keep my composure. She sounds very brazen & the cheek to say her OH will forgive her anyway.

Well great, her husband will forgive her sonclearly not abusive. OP can do the right thing and let him know then it’s up to him how to proceed. I personally think OW is bricking it and is in damage limitation mode.

OP don’t be swayed by anything she’s trying to fill your head with. Do what you think is right and what is best for you!

Wow, She sounds like a nob.

Sorry cross post with your update.

Well tbh she may be calling your bluff on her husband forgiving her but not your problem.

I’d be open about what’s happened and even if her H is fool enough to let there be no consequences then at least the rest of the community knows her views of fidelity and overall trustworthiness.

She thinks he’s done it before, well maybe...but given he didn’t deny it perhaps not. Deflecting responsibility?

Either way it doesn’t matter. You know now and it’s done. Might be the first, third or tenth time - but it’s definitely the last from your point of view.

OW sounds like a gift that keeps giving...What a self centred, manipulative bitch! She’s taken my breath away with her rudeness to you. So glad she doesn’t feel guilty!!!Did she say her dh would forgive her so you wouldn’t tell him?

I wonder if he forgives her the lingerie photos amd kissing. Well, if her lycra clad bum
is so alluring he mght too be under the spell 🤔

OW's Husband sounds like he believes he has a Biggest Catch.... it's a pity his Catch can't stop sharing her lips with random men ...

She's calling your bluff and doesn't want him knowing - she sounds hard faced, I'd tell everyone. Also sounds like she has no intentions of leaving her oh and wants it all,

She is bluffing. And trying to shift the blame onto him! Now I really don't like her! Wonder if they concocted that little story together as they have obviously been in touch.

Just tell her H, send a private FB message if you can. Tell him you have photos if he wants to see them but you will spare him if he doesn't. He will know you are coming from a good place. You can hopefully close that chapter then with a clear conscience.

Clearly she isn't worried about him beating her up!!

OP do what you feel is right. It's easy for other people to say the husband has a right to know. But you have a lot going on and probably need to focus on you. Gather your strength and take your time. I am in a similar
Place to you right now and I just need some calm. You sound like you are handling this well given the horrific circumstances, give yourself some time to gather your strength and thoughts x