Caught DH sexting another woman

[user58104372]

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

I’m shocked that there are people who wouldn’t tell the husband! He deserves to know, not from a place of revenge against the OW but seriously, if it was happening to me, I’d want to know. And I would t care who told me, as long as someone did!

Absolutely it is. But that doesn't come without potential consequences.

OP has already said what she has decided to do. Show some respect for her decision. She hasn't asked for further opinion and has thought it through herself. She's not interested in revenge - she has already said that. Facebook shaming is awful, public, spiteful and completely unnecessary.

All of this speculation and what if's are stupid. No one knows the circumstances in the OW's house. What we do know is that she has behaved shamelessly with another woman's husband and not shown any respect towards her own husband/marriage/children. Any fall out from her behaviour will be based entirely on that - HER behaviour.

You maybe shocked Clara but that's assuming all things are equal.

Someone telling the OW or OM's partner without full view of the circumstances of their relationship could be considered reckless.

I'd tell the OW's DH. It would be weird not to tell him because he's part of the story. In fact I did tell the OW's DH about his DW and my DH or rather STBXH! They ran off together because they're in lurvvve! Whatever, couple of numpties!

@jeaux90 You are talking rubbish.

For all you know the OW could be the abusive party and her H could be desperate for a way out of the marriage.

Don't make this harder for the OP than it already is.

Exactly name change. No one know the circumstances in the OW's house.

Precisely why there is a risk in telling her husband.

I truly hope the husband isn't an asshole.

Am I taking rubbish? Or is it because I don't agree with you? I think we see enough DV on here to agree we don't really know.

Pointless scaremongering.

Sometimes you can overthink this shit, ooh the OW's DH might be this and that and whatever.... Uh the OP went through the sex messages and funnily enough abuse wasn't mentioned...🤔

Jeaux yes sorry to break it to you but yes you are talking rubbish.

It wasn't. You are right but then the OP doesn't know the OW or the husband.

Anyway I hope telling him turns out to be the right thing. I really do.

Yes yes of course I am because that shit never happens right and it's fine to go tearing into a marriage for the sake of morality.

Show some respect for her decision

^^ This 100%

@Lottie509

I completely agree with you.

jeaux90 Are you the OW? Because you seem very invested in making sure her secret is safe

Of course it would be the right thing to do because its the truth. You are better off sticking to the facts in this situation.
I would be heartbroken if I had gone through a life time of marriage with someone knowing it was all fake because they had cheated long ago and I had wasted my life on them. Affairs always come out in the end. Better off sooner rather than later. Its not fair to keep it a secret.

good luck OP

jeaux90 Are you the OW? Because you seem very invested in making sure her secret is safe

I had similar thoughts myself.
An awful lot of scaremongering. As though you have some kind of hidden agenda?

You too SandyY2k

I agree with Gilligan too, Jeaux It is strange that you are making up situations that simply arent fact as to not let the ow's dh find out.

Maybe not this OW but somebodies! And convinced secrets are justified!

jeaux90, there’s no reason to assume that just because the wife is an asshole that the husband is an abusive asshole .. that’s taking the wife’s side to a whole other level, even by Mumsnet standards !! As far as we know he’s an innocent victim in this just like the OP. And if he’s not .: still not the OPs issue!

Another who doesn’t agree that OP should tell the OW husband.

Firstly it’s most certainly not her responsibility
Secondly she know nothing about their relationship. The OW might have done this before, he might have cheated, they might had a different approach to things. It’s all unknown.
Thirdly it doesn’t change a damn thing for her or her kids or her marriage being over

I too would leave well alone.

Would you not want to know if your DH was doing this behind your back lolli ?

Am I taking rubbish? Or is it because I don't agree with you?

No you're just talking rubbish.

Maybe the husband already knows. Maybe hes been sending the messages