Caught DH sexting another woman

[user58104372]

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

I’ve followed this since the beginning and felt I had to write and say my heart goes out to you OP but, Please don’t tell the husband. I agree he needs to know, but it will come out eventually and maybe later down the line you can if it hasn’t and she hasn’t. But right now your priority is you and your family. Focus on that.
If their children go to the same school it could be horrid for them all, including the children. Yes, she should have thought of that but she didn’t. I just don’t think it’s your place to tell him. Especially Not now anyway when you’re in so much pain.

Just seen I’m with crimsonlake on this one...

No good ever comes of telling. Sort your own circus, leave her to her own.

None of us know what he may or may not do when he finds out. Do not be responsible for that. There are children involved.

If my partner was cheating on me I would absolutely want to be told, especially as other people now know and it’s a small community. Otherwise people are essentially conspiring with the transgressors against the innocent party. Vengeance would be plastering their cock and lingerie shots all over Facebook.

Please don’t tell the husband.

Why?

I agree he needs to know, but it will come out eventually

It doesn't always.
People go to their graves without disclosing.

It's the right thing to tell the other betrayed spouse. It's courteous and decent.

Why be part of keeping the secret?

I think the cat is out of the bag now OP has talked to her friend who knows OW and OW's best mate.

It would be the decent thing for OP to tell him gently and says a lot about what a person she is.

I don't think she is doing this for revenge.

No good ever comes of telling

It gets a person out of infidelity and gives them the power to make an informed decision.

Knowledge is power.... why should he be denied of having thst knowledge?

I just don't understand this way of thinking by so many individuals.

If someone who made a commitment and vowed fidelity, was stabbing you in the back by betraying.... surely you'd want to know?

It saves you becoming more entangled with them. Like buying a new home .. having more children... even oddly enough giving them a kidney if it came to it.

The last one may sound bizarre .. but it has happened.

Clearly there is a split of opinion between posters regarding whether to tell her H about the affair. Flip this for a second OP and imagine the shoe is on the other foot, that her H discovered the affair not you, would you rather he told you or kept it to himself? I think you should go with whatever your answer would be.

Also there are so many betrayed spouses on here who say they’d known something was wrong for weeks or months or years but not what it was. Better to be told than gaslighted and manipulated, surely?

pp would not be the ruining another marriage, the OW has already done that herself whether or not her husband yet knows. I would want to know if my husband were doing something he shouldn't be

You have made the right decision deciding to tell her DH, it isn't fair on him to be kept in the dark, not telling him would almost be like protecting their secret.

Another one in agreement. Her husband deserves to know the truth I wouldn't want to be left in the dark.

Everyone is assuming that the OW's husband is a victim. What if he's an abusive bastard? I wouldn't want that outcome on my hands.

I think you could go on all day with what if's.

Morally its the right thing to do.

Morally the right thing to do is to live and let live, run your own circus and don't instigate a chain of events in other people's lives you have no control over.

And I've been there when people have interfered in other people's lives. It damages.

You have no idea who the husband is, how he will react and what he will do.

Oh ok Lottie that's ok then. A woman gets seven shades of shite smacked out of her but as long as morality prevails.

Everyone is assuming that the OW's husband is a victim. What if he's an abusive bastard?

I'm sure that would have been mentioned in all the lovey dovey text messages between them.

Jeaux90 why are you making up that the other woman is in an abusive relationship? Its absurd its never been mentioned by the op.

A woman gets seven shades of shite smacked out of her but as long as morality prevails.

This is ridiculous.
Why assume she's a victim of domestic violence? The OP has made her decision ..leave her Be, instead of all this guilt tripping. Goodness gracious.

The OP doesn't have the first clue about the OW's situation.

Her husband might be abusive. We see enough crap on here to know it's not beyond the realms of possibility.

I wouldn't want that on my hands just because a load of strangers think it's the right thing to do.

Sandy. Why is it ridiculous? I think you are being ridiculous assuming he's a victim in all this.

Truth is. We don't know.

Jeaux90 why are you making up that the other woman is in an abusive relationship? Its absurd its never been mentioned by the op.

^Exactly. Pure unwarranted speculation .. without a shred of evidence or anything like a hint of DV.

None of you people screaming for the truth to be told to the husband knows the situation. Fact.

Sandy. Why is it ridiculous? I think you are being ridiculous assuming he's a victim in all this.

You are calling a BH an abuser from absolutely nowhere. That's what I find ridiculous.

Why? You don't know whether he is or he isn't do you sandy?

FACT ...It's nobody else's choice but the OPs to inform the other betrayed spouse.

Leave her to it.