Caught DH sexting another woman

[user58104372]

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

He might start out 'doing the decent thing' financially, but don't EVER rely on him continuing to do so. Never assume that the guilt will last, quite often they convince themselves after a matter of months that you drove them to their behaviour, and then you won't see another penny.

Don't underestimate the human ability to shrug off guilt when money starts entering the equation.

I agree - him doing the decent thing will rapidly change once his guilt wears off. I know it is grim but the sooner you get things locked in financially the better for you. Also do remember 25% discount on council tax if he is not there, update and WTC records and child maintenance will be a consideration at some point too.

Day at school over. I agree in the end it was for the best we got married, sad but true. I've decided to tell her husband. I could just send the evidence, but think that having a chat with him might be the best way to break the news.

I think it’s best her husband knows, these things always get out and talked about and it would be awful for the poor man to be the last to find out

What a horrible situation OP! You'll come through though! You seem a strong lady!

I agree her husband should know, I wouldn't want to be kept in the dark if my partner had cheated.

Yeah, poor guy deserves to know what his wife is up to. Hang in there, OP.

Take some screenshots of the messages and stick them on her FB page tagging her hubby in them!

For what its worth my ex-fiancee cheated for years with the girl hes now married to, i eventually found out and broke off the engagement and very soon after found out all his friends knew and most of our 'mutual' friends did too, i was gutted that not one of them had told me. Id rather have known than blindly planned my wedding to a cheating dick. I think anyone deserves to know if you have irrefutable proof they are being cheated on to be honest, but thats just my own experience.

^ No do NOT do that! how cruel. Talk to him in private, don't humiliate him in public.

My Ex did this,with a number of women, obsessing over them for a short period then moving on.

It’s the shock of finding out they could so easily betray that bedrock of trust.

I stayed with him for a couple more years. He did it again. Once that line is crossed it is really, really difficult to cross back. Things that helped:

• asking Ex to confide in a couple of friends. Friends keep us in check, provide perspective.
• throwing him out for a month. It should have six months.
• spending his money on spa, hairdressers, shoes and facials for a week of pampering.
• treating myself a lot. We are battered - it’s a kind of trauma.

I actually did treat my Ex with compassion at first. He was so ashamed. However be prepared for that to be forgotten after six months. That ability to be ruthless and cold - that needs to be tackled and changed and it needs to come from him.

Oh and definitely tell the husband. I would.

"it’s a kind of trauma"

Absolutely 100% agree.

Being gentle to yourself is vital. It's not optional. It's survival.

I personally think you're doing the right thing telling the husband quietly and privately. Poor bloke.

I have to say I agree that her dh needs to know but I don't envy you the task. I thought at first you shouldn't tell him. I honestly don't know what I'd do in your situation. I now think that I'd want to know if my dh was cheating and if/when I found out I'd feel such a fool if people knew and no one had the guts to tell me.

Sorry you're in such an awful situation, your dh is a twat and you are remaining very dignified

Good on you op, He deserves the truth.

Definitely, you’re a good person and so is he.. he deserves the truth

When will you tell him?

You’ve sat on things for s short while now and I’m sure you’ll have a good gut feeling about what to do.

Oh... rubberneckers on the horizon... OP, please don't respond to requests asking you how he took the news, urgh.

Hopefully you can just take things at your own steady pace now to move forward with your plans. I've been thinking of you, you sound very strong and I hope that your husband's acceptance of his complete role in this doesn't waiver and make things difficult for you.

Her H deserves the truth although I don’t envy you having to tell him on top of all this. Privately and quietly is the way to go.

You should be prepared for him to lash out at you- if I were him, I would appreciate but it's also understandable that he may feel angry/upset etc.

I'm very surprised that Lycra Arse hasn't been in touch to try to minimise everything in an effort to keep the truth away from her husband. Unless of course your husband hasn't been honest and is carrying on as normal. In which case it will be a massive shock when you tell her husband.

I agree, quietly and gently is the way forward.

Just to add, it might be sad but also a good way to take back control to contact the husband. You will both have the opportunity to see the truth of your relationships and after the trauma, you both can set your own course, whatever that might be.

The Lycra woman and her husband might have an open marriage. So he might not be upset. It’s a lot of pressure on you op, but you are doing the right thing.

Their masturbatory bubble seems to have excluded any acknowledgement of their partners anyway so I reckon he won’t have intruded on the fantasy by telling her.

I have been there so please do not tell her husband, mainly for their children's sake.You will be ruining their lives and yes she should have thought about that before she embarked on this sordid affair. It will come out in due course, but do not be driven by revenge. Please listen to the posters who have actually been through this.

Crimson I would disagree. I think this feeds in to he myth
Secrecy = no harm done.
Best left.

Why is the OP being revengeful? She’s helping another human being make clearer decisions based on truth.

Or are we post truth?