Caught DH sexting another woman

[user58104372]

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

OP, you sound amazing. Stay strong. X

has he just brushed 'the dust of life' off his shoulders ... and walked away smelling of roses.. whilst you're left to pick up the pieces... he is a prick... stay strong OP

He sounds very immature.

How old is he? Did you get together very young?

@SchnitzelVonKrumm he's almost 39. We got together at uni so almost 20 years.

I’m so sorry OP, you’re behaviour has been impeccable so far and I do feel you’re making the right decisions. I’ve had so many friends whose husbands have done this on the dot of 40 and have almost followed a guide of how to be a badly behaved arsehole, two of them had been together since uni.

these are for you OP take good care of yourself.

It could be a typical mid-life crisis. She's younger, and as we know from those lycras "quite fit“. I need to find a solicitor. I don't want to rush things, but the more I think about it, I feel like I'm falling out of love, I can't love such a prick.

Seeing a solicitor isn't a bad idea. You can have a free session with most of them and ask general questions. There is a pretty standard procedure through it all and it can get nasty and as he is such a stranger to you at the moment it would be better to be one step ahead and keep the control.

Respect to you OP. He is a prick, and you are worth far more.

When I was in your place (similar) I found the best SHL (shit hot lawyer) his money could buy. I took him for every penny I could and then some. He was served with divorce papers within a week. It empowered me.

BUT, I knew about his dirty little secret months before he knew I knew. I was certain that there was absolutely no way I could ever love, respect or trust him again. And I'm talking twenty years married and three kids btw.

You'll know when the time is right. Until then, keep your powder dry and keep those cards close to your chest.

You're in charge now.

Nearing 40? Younger airhead woman? God what a bloody cliche.

It’s worth seeing a few different solicitors.

You need to find someone who you feel comfortable with and understands how you want proceed - not just someone to cut through the process and explain it.

Recommendations are a good way forward or you can do a search on the law society website as a first pass for divorce specialists near to you.

Maybe worth going to the legal topic on MN and seeing if anyone can recommend someone (if you give your location it’s worth a name change).

Finally I know your focus will be your children, but try and be kind to yourself

Can you still access his messages? Just to keep a step ahead as their tawdry affair unravels.

We don't have much, so going for an expensive lawyer seems even pointless to me. No, I was only able to access the messages through his phone, so what are those up to is a complete mystery to me.

I understand falling out of love with him. I’m not surprised as the trust has completely gone

Relax user! You don't need SH Lawyers or anything like that if as you say, you haven't got very much. As long as you have all the important documents re: house, bank account etc you'll be fine. One thing though, if you have a joined bank account or savings account you need to protect your part of them. You don't even need to rush into divorce as long as you and the kids are in the house. And he continues being decent about that.

He's been messing about with another woman, not changed into a bloody axe murderer. So no need to panick, you might be-able to stay in your house with the kids for a long time yet.
I'm saying don't panic but you DO need to get some advice, maybe a half hour free consultation with a solicitor, if he's being decent about you and the kids welfare, you might not even need to do even that.

I would see a solicitor for a consultation, just so that you know practically where you stand. They may raise issues that you haven't considered yet. It doesn't mean you have to go down the route of a lawyered-up separation.

"the more I think about it, I feel like I'm falling out of love, I can't love such a prick."

Good. Please recognise that falling out of love takes time - it's a process, a getting rid of a load of emotions and everyday habits. I suspect that what will happen is that you will feel tremendous pain for a while, but gradually feelings of "How could I ever love someone so emotionally immature" will take over. you're doing great.

Hope you're ok this morning OP. I remember in the midst of awful times waking up and remembering the reality of what was going on used to hit me like a bus, it was horrible. Tough times for you 💐

Today has been harder than I would have expected. I try find any clue of when did I lose him, and I can't . We've been together for so long but only got married last year. That was one of the happiest days of my life, and everything went downhill just a year later? I still think this is the first time it happened, his general daily routine only changed in the past few weeks.

He hasn't been in touch, but he accepted it was all his fault,so I think he'll do decent thing at least financially.

Thank you for all your support. My sister is amazing but she has already got too much on her plate. My BF has been there with me, but she's of the idea that I should look out for revenge, but I'm not that type of person. My H was clearly bored or trapped and didn't love me anymore, we're all only human. I just wish he had talked to me about it before pursuing some woman in lycras.

I agree with you, revenge is pointless. But I do think the other husband in this should be told - he needs to make his own informed choices as you have.

I suppose it is possible the marriage triggered something in him, finalised long teem commitment that signalled the end of any other options or something. Not to say that is an excuse of course but it seems timely with his behaviour.

I would be cautious about finances and not assume he would behave decently, hopefully he will. But I am currently being taken to the cleaners financially by the father of my child who absolutely promised us the world and after 10 years together is trying to force me and DCs out of our home (that I bought!) and legally (but not morally) he is entitled to something. It is hell and I would have sworn blind he would never ever do it to us. Divorce/guilt/financial greed and fear does pretty shit things to people.

I've been keeping up with your thread OP. So sorry for you and your kids. Please try not to look to yourself for reasons or understand what's going through his head. I'm not sure anyone could comprehend when this is so out of character xx

It's to your financial benefit you did get married though I think.

I know that sounds harsh don't mean it to be just being pragmatic at such an awful time for you. He's a bastard.

Agreed that you should tell her husband. Thinking of you at this awful time

Totally with you on the revenge thing - pointless waste of energy.

I think you're searching for an explanation when the facts are staring you in the face: he was a pathetic git who was seduced by an arse in a pair of leggings. Sounds like classic midlife crisis territory. It's depressing that it's been so utterly cliched and unimaginative, but there we have it. Bastard.

Please don't assume anything about decent behaviour. Divorce, even between two fairly sane people, can get very messy. Always have the iron behind the velvet.