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Original poster

Caught DH sexting another woman

910 replies

user58104372 · 29/10/2017 05:11

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 31/10/2017 11:49

Idolise, devalue, discard. Classic narcissist
This is so true.
I only realised this about my ExP after we split.
He really has no moral fibre at all.
It's quite scary to realise this after a long time with someone.
But it does help to get you through.

SunnyS76 · 31/10/2017 12:17

Please make sure the DC know that this was his choice to leave you. Don’t tell them you’ve kicked him out, norbthe details, because kids can’t understand cheating, but it is true - he did make a choice to leave you all the first time he tried to actively persue her. Sending love and strength. X

Original poster
user58104372 · 31/10/2017 13:28

I've been reading about limerence. If that was the case surely it wouldn't be normal? His whole behaviour wasn't normal, even now when he's been discovered his actions don't make a lot of sense. I'm trying to understand him (I won't take him back), but I want to know where did my husband go.

OP posts:
justme93 · 31/10/2017 13:28

Having read all of this I just wanted to send you a hug OP, I can’t even begin to imagine how you are feeling right now. Well done for being so dam brave and facing this head on and confronting him. I’m am shocked and disgusted by his pursuit for this woman, I honestly am losing all faith in men in general and their lack of being able to think with the brains and not what between their legs!! Stay strong woman, you deserve so much more than this x

Desmondo2016 · 31/10/2017 13:30

I honestly think you're over thinking it and maybe trying to justify or excuse it. Your husband simply allowed his cock to rule his head, same as every other unfaithful man ever.

debbs77 · 31/10/2017 13:32

I honestly don't think you'll ever find out. Please don't see it as an excuse for his actions.

I know people on here probably sound harsh but it's because we have been there, done it, taken him back, found out the full truth, kicked them out again. We are offering the benefit of hindsight. We all know how you feel. And we can save you additional heartache.

FWIW my ex husband is married to our lycra mum equivalent

hellsbellsmelons · 31/10/2017 13:32

You will never know the answer to that question.
So don't try and don't torture yourself about it.
They change.
There is nothing you can do about it.
But you can do something about yourself.
He's not the same man you once loved.
It really is that simple.

Original poster
user58104372 · 31/10/2017 13:36

debbs77 unbelievable. In this case I doubt it will happen, there were signs of infatuation, school age crushing (there were messages and messages of how much they make each other blush) but nothing even comparable to the beginning of a normal relationship.

OP posts:
whiskyowl · 31/10/2017 13:36

user - No, limerance is NOT normal at all. Nor is it an excuse for behaving in the way your DH has - just because you feel desire does not mean you suddenly become incapable of rational choice and unable to do anything except follow its promptings!

Please don't think I'm putting forward that suggestion as an excuse or as any kind of mitigation. It's not. A lot of the writing on limerance on the internet is by people who have those feelings are who minimise their consequences for others. However you cut it, it's selfish, stupid, appalling and inexcusable behaviour.

lollipop7 · 31/10/2017 14:25

@user58104372 why are you expending mental energy in this way on him?

He wants you not to understand, to feel compelled to get why he did it.

That way when it all goes tits up with the OW he will have the hope that he is still sufficiently enigmatic and tortured enough to real you back in. The reality is he’s a deceitful prick who squandered your love and the family you’ve built together for cheap thrills. Nothing complicated about that, it’s just sordid and depressing.

That’s my take on it anyway.

lollipop7 · 31/10/2017 14:26

*reel not real 🤦🏼‍♀️

123lookatme · 31/10/2017 14:49

Oh Op it's so awful isnt it...one minute you're living a "normal life" the next it's changed over night. Has you DH even made contact last night today even to see if you're ok? Wonder what he's told the OW

ptumbi · 31/10/2017 15:12

It is weird, and not in the least 'normal'.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say in the realms of mentally ill. He has built up this entire fantasy, an ideal, an illusion of a perfect relationship with her. This will never stand up in the cold light of 'normal'. If he/they have never even had a face-to-face conversation (only by text) or done much more than 'a stolen kiss' Hmm they are both deluded if they think a realtionship can be based on this.

But he's challenged, and he doesn't acknowledge this fantasy; he has built up so much of a 'bubble' with her, that has not even been pricked by being discovered. The normal thing would be for him to have had the reality totally burst in his face, the minute he was discovered, and the realisation of what he has jeopardised, and potentially lost, to be forced upon him.

That does not seem to have happened. He seems to have jsut accepted that he cannot be expected to continue with his wife, but just walked out and is still in his 'bubble'

Time will show whether he thinks he can continue with his OW...or whether reality will actually bite him and wake him up to what he has lost.

Original poster
user58104372 · 31/10/2017 16:01

I'm at home with my DC. I still don't know
how to approach it but I think I'll just say daddy has broken a very important promise to mummy, so important that he'll have to be away for a while. That's the best I can come up with.

OP posts:
schoolgaterebel · 31/10/2017 16:07

Good luck OP. Your DC are more resilient than you realise.

What about saying 'daddy doesn't love mummy the same way he used to and he has decided to go away for a while. But he still loves you just the same. Mummy is quite sad but will be fine because she has you'

serialcheat · 31/10/2017 16:07

Has he not been in touch !? If only to see or ask about the children ?

Thethrillofit · 31/10/2017 16:14

I don't know why people are saying it's limerence or mental illness. It just sounds like a typical affair to me. Both of them over-excited and gagging for it.

123lookatme · 31/10/2017 16:28

I think it depends how old your children are OP to how you approach it...anyone have advice for OP

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 31/10/2017 16:43

How old are the DC?

I think that angle is fine; or if it’s easier for you and they are young enough not to ask questions, just say daddy is going to be staying elsewhere for a while.

It’ll all feel a bit alien for a bit; but it will get better. Flowers take care.

SandyY2K · 31/10/2017 16:51

Your proposed words to the DC are good. Just reassure them you both love them.

They may ask when they will be seeing him, so at some point soon, he'll be in touch about this.

Their whole behaviour ... the blushing etc seems so very juvenile.

Original poster
user58104372 · 31/10/2017 17:13

The kids were OK very surprised and could tell I was sad so we just had a big cuddle. I haven't really spoken to him, he called to see how the DC were earlier today and to let me know if I wanted him here when I talked to our DC, I told him he's lost that right and that I'm in control. He's supposed to come on Saturday we'll see.
Those two acted like two hormonal teenagers that linger after each other in a classroom but are too shy to talk to each other in the flesh. That's how juvenile their affair was.

OP posts:
SemperTemper · 31/10/2017 17:19

I take my hat off to you, OP. You're handling this with such strength. I'd be a crying, baffled wreck. Sending you Flowers

crimsonlake · 31/10/2017 18:17

I think you are in a state of shock and are on auto pilot at the moment as you sound quite detached which is par for the course. I used to wake up in the mornings and think it was a bad dream.

ladymariner · 31/10/2017 18:20

Op, I have been reading this thread, and I just wanted to add my voice to say what an amazing woman you are.....he's a bloody fool. Thinking of you, and sending you positive vibes and all good wishes.

Squealhowlscary · 31/10/2017 19:05

So pleased the DC are OK. It's surprising how resilient children can be.