Caught DH sexting another woman

[user58104372]

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

You are doing so well Op, I really admire your strength and calmness.
I know it's hard but keep going, one foot in front of the other. You will get there.

So far as you know, they’ve not slept together or even spent time in each other’s company (correct me if I’m wrong) so essentially he’s obsessed with a stranger which makes it even more unnerving.

This, although to be honest, I think they probably have been together even if they didn’t actually have sex. He referenced how she feels; and she started sending lingerie photos - which typically women don’t do until they’ve actually been naked together. They may both just not be typical; but given his obsession; I’d guess there have been “stolen minutes” that have made this seem even more elicit and naughty.

If he’s this obsessed after just seeing her in the playground: some sexy texts and some photos, this can’t be the first time.

I’m so sorry OP how are you doing this morning?

Take care

I think you are amazing OP and handled all this so well. A lesser woman like myself stopped functioning when this happened to me. The shock literally floored me. I forgot how to make a cup of tea. Now I have finally left for good a month on doing great so I can see that with your awesome steely strength you will in time be ok. A lot on here focuses on the two of them which is natural human nature revenge/ payback etc but you and DC are the only thing that really matters focus on the best outcome for you and them now then everything will fall into place in time. Hard I know when you feel like you been in a war zone. Its hard as you cant just switch off your feelings for him in 48 hours. But you deserve more respect and love than this. My STBXH also showed no remorse and once I stopped fawning over him went cold as ice. A month later he crying that he misses me loves me and our house ( wsiting for sale to complete) is lonely without us. Well tough as he made his choices and after 2 chances previously knew the final outcome if he did this again. Weak selfish people. I doing great now I have put focus on me. Rented a nice flat until I get my money from house joined a gym and have found more love from friends and family then I ever felt from him
I know it early days for you but wanted to say life can go on better than looking at someone who values you so little puts their weak sexual feelings before a real marriage and home. When I think ofvwhat could have been I realise I was never his long term future as he traded that in so easily. I think you are an amazing person and will be sending thoughts you and your DC way. Have a peaceful day x

Missed the last page. The new messages sound heartbreaking.

Please keep reminding yourself that you didn’t do anything wrong; at all. This isn’t anything to do with you.

Are you managing to eat and drink?

I know they would see each other at the playground but actually never said hello. She makes a point out of this, he then tells her he's "incredibly shy" but he'll do his best. Later messages mention "sneaking out to have a quick kiss“ - this is after two sessions of sexting and a million other explicit messages, including the lingerie photos - so no they actually never had any meaningful offline interaction. Bizarrely, he's quite vague about that kissing session, he just mentioned "there could be a possibility of it". That makes me think that in his head he hadn't cheated and only being physical would cross the line la, and he was still hesitant about it. That's just my own speculation of course.

Well done OP you are dealing with this with great dignity.

Regardless of if her DH finds out, their relationship will, no doubt, crumble once it's in the cold light of day, even if it stays illicit, there is a shelf life to it.

You however will have moved on and will be making a new life with your dc.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

Will you see this woman at school today?

Op, your dignity is shining through !!!! You are an inspiration.

Yoga, you sound pretty amazing, yourself 😀

Will the OW be at school this morning? It would be very telling how she acts when she sees you as to whether she knows you know about all this.

You have so much strength OP, I wouldn’t be as dignified as you.

Morning OP,

What BlueDog says is very much the way it worked for me. I really like TheStoic's and Tygr's posts on this thread too.

Your last post though has me wondering if you're seeing 'rays of light' that perhaps aren't really there? Just because your husband MIGHT be thinking that he hasn't' crossed the line doesn't mean that he hasn't cheated and your pain is testament to that.

I'm irritated with some of the repetitive posts banging on with clichéd posturing and nothing that anybody else here says actually matters because we on this board don't know what your situation is. I think the transposing and 'shrinking to fit' from some posters isn't helping you at all. I hope that this thread is showing you support though.

I'll just say that from my own breakup, whilst I was doing pretty much the same as every other poster has suggested, what actually helped me most was pinning down what I actually KNEW. Hard facts. It really helped clarify my mind and stop me whirring around myriad other factors that were perhaps minor but in my head were blown out of proportion. I'm thinking of your husband's mental health here; that's nothing that you or he - or certainly anybody on this board - can diagnose. So I would disregard it and keep chipping away at the seemingly endless tasks.

I'm so sorry. It will get easier.

Is he very black and white op? Or are there grey areas in his mind usually

Agree about their relationship (which doesn’t really exist, it’s just projection on both sides) fizzling once exposed to the light. What a fool.

581 you have behaved so dignified. I admire your strength. And you will be reeling with the shock and the pain and the 'why?' of it all.

But the gory details don't matter now. What matters is that within 30 mins he had admitted and had left. No remorse. It is as if it was a relief for him. That he can so easily trot off out the door is making me so angry for you. He's treated you abominably.

Try and keep hydrated and eat just a little. It's hard. And will be harder later explaining to the DC. But time is a healer. I know it won't feel like that but it is true. Hugs from one who knows the pain.

OP, just to say ignore any rubbernecking on here, or obsessions about whether they had sex or not or where he is staying (who fucking cares)!. Some people on here fail to get that disloyalty and obsession with another can be even more devastating mentally for many intelligent women. I have a theory that intelligent women find the mental fuckery and trying to hold it together for a family more devastating than any onenight stand

I'm glad he's left without too much fuss.
You need him out of your headspace (although that won't really happen just yet)
The DC just need to know that daddy has upset mummy but that you both still loves them all very much.

One hour at a time.
When I split with the ExH sugary tea and ice-lollies got me through (I could not swallow solid food).
You need to keep hydrated and keep your sugar levels up.
You can run on adrenalin for quite a while but you will crash at some point and you will need your strength.
Please look after yourself.

Do think about telling her DH, he so deserves to know.
It's awful knowing that others know but no-one bothered to tell you.
Believe me, I've been there and it's pretty humiliating.

Get through today and take it from there.
Keep busy. Get your family and friends around you for love and support.

I really hope you didn't have to see that woman this morning on the school run.

yetmorecrap that's exactly how I feel. Every single message feels like a betrayal to me. He could have stopped at any given moment, but instead he decided to keep sending message after message

I rarely see, but we always do say hello when bumping to each other. So she isn't a complete stranger to me

I think this is something very, very strange. I am not a psychologist, and what I'm about to say comes from anecdotal, personal observation - nothing mroe.

I have met a couple of people in my life who have behaved a bit like your husband. The best explanation I've read for it is something called "limerance", which is like an elevated state of excitement about being in love. It's less about actually consummating the relationship, and more about an intense feeling of obsession and desire for someone who is a bit unreachable. Kind of like being in love with being in love. I think it's a stage most of us go through when we are teenagers - remember the absolute pain and intensity of that crush on that celebrity? Or even that boy at school? - but we mostly grow out of it when we get a bit older. However, in some cases you find someone who, for whatever reason, slips back into this escapist state, where the lure of a crush just outweighs all the duties and responsibilities and the deeper commitments of adult life. It is a kind of fantasy, making him a fantasist.

My guess is that now he's been confronted with the real-life results of his fantasy, his world is crashing around his ears. I am absolutely not making excuses for your DH's behaviour, though. I think that someone who can inflict this kind of pain on their long-term partner is an appalling excuse for a human being. Part of being an adult is to accept the rough with the smooth. If your life is becoming humdrum and boring, then you have a responsibility to change it in a way that isn't hurtful and upsetting to others - you can't just escape off into a dreamworld like a seven year old. It is a very serious flaw of character to think that anything else is remotely acceptable.

for you.

Idolise, devalue, discard. Classic narcissist. They don’t think like us and you’ll tie yourself in knots trying to understand his behaviour.

I think the behaviour of both of them is appalling. I totally get that your focus should be on the betrayal of your husband and his bizarre obsession. However I do think that this woman has probably got off on becoming involved with the teachers husband. I do think it's been cheap thrills for the both of them. X

I agree with whiskyowl in that this sounds like limerance (way past even infatuation or NRE) which is more like an addiction than like any kind of love. It also reminds me of erotomania. Ms Lycra, on the other hand, is probably just having a self-centred, ego-boosting, manic flirt, and like others have said will disappear in a puff of smoke as soon as it looks like this might affect her reality in any way. He on the other hand will be left with utterly nothing, still struggling with obsession and coming to terms with the fact that his fantasy was just that. For that reason I'd be surprised if they have actually had sex yet. The way he's behaving isn't grounded in reality - he's worshipping someone on a pedestal, not a real, flawed human being.

Not that his experience is important in this. What's important is what YOU and your children need in order to make it through all it all. In that I think you're well within your rights to be utterly selfish. Feel what you want to feel, tell who you want to tell. Your H, Lycra-woman and her H can work things out on their own and you are under no obligation to help any of them, especially not now when it's all so raw and you're figuring out what you need. Everyone moves through the process of grief and trauma recovery differently, there's no right or wrong thing to feel. I'd anticipate that at some point he's going to realise he lived in an altered reality, but for the moment I'd say you have time to get your ducks in a row.

I also agree with whiskeyowl's post about limerence. I can remember slobbering over Gary Numan's pictures and papering my wall with them. Dreamt about him every night I think, for a long time - and then it just stopped, overnight.

My post is trivial really because I was a teenager then. OP's husband has not only lusted after another woman, he's committed it to text and OP's been forced to read those horrible messages. They can't ever be unsaid. There are some things that just can't be forgiven - or forgotten. Even if OP and her husband decided to try again, OP would probably not to be able to ever forget those messages and how her husband had felt about another woman.

He's been so, so cruel in his oblivious infatuation.

The pain you are feeling is proof that he has cheated and the betrayal has destroyed your marriage (whether they kissed, had sex or not)

Stay strong