Caught DH sexting another woman

[user58104372]

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

I hope Op reads my messages, yes, she needs tea and sympathy, a hugs, support and practical advice from the wonderful women on here, but she also needs to get fucking angry at that wanker, and draw strength from it !!!!

He'll be back. By now he's contacted the other woman, and I'm guessing she's shitting herself and in no way does she want to leave her comfy marriage for such a psychopathic stalker.

Which is why he's protecting her and HER marriage.

You really think now is the time for tough love? Right now?

OP - all these posts are just other peoples thoughts - some will be insightful - others not so - some may help - others may be painful.

Even though you never thought this would happen - you are smart. Him becoming focused on ow has nothing to do with you or the way you are. You are worth more than this.

There's something that's not right with him - it is true that people who need to have affairs have deep insecurities and whilst I'm not excusing his behaviour - this might have been triggered more by his fathers death.

We can spend time trying to analyse the 'whys' but they don't change the 'what is'. It doesn't much matter what he's done - or what he's doing - your total focus needs to be on you and your dc. Every time you find your mind wanders on to 'him' - gently remind yourself to return it to you. This is a great skill to learn in life.

Discover what you really want - you will get there step by step. All this upset and angst is temporary.

Make your mantra: How can something bother you if you don't let it?

Serialcheat- I really don't think that's necessary, just because that's what's happened to you it doesn't mean this situation is exactly the same. Op is trying to focus on herself and dc, suggesting all of these horrible things that have already happened/are happening now is not helpful.

Many apologies op - I've got confused about your H's father which changes part of the focus of my pp.

The Stoic

Pretty much.

Tough Love !? Op is getting NO love.

No apology, no remorse, no contrition, I could go on

Skin tight lycra, curvy butt is getting THE love.

The reality is, the other women's husband would probably be equally heartbroken.

Op is getting NO love.

Exactly. Kicking someone when they’re down is not ‘calling a spade a spade’.

Beequeeny

You are entitled to your point of view. I don't think tea and sympathy will solve anything here. Have I been too graphic, possibly, course !? Maybe....

But I'm sure these things have gone through Op's mind. This is a really weird case, the way that Op partner pathologically ' hunted down ' this woman. I've been shocked reading this thread. I think the things I've mentioned will focus her mind.

Beequeeny, you say just because it happened to me, all cases are not the same, and of course, you are correct..... To some degree.....

Some constituents remain the same: The lies, neuroses, the gut wrenching realisation that your beloved partner was / is prepared to throw everything away for a roll in the sack, the heartbreak, the sadness and confusion of the cheated partner, and the children.

Then couple that with finding the energy and strength to keep being a Mom and loving and protecting the children, managing the children, managing the finances, taking over the cheating partners role also, to some extent, coping alone as a single parent. So you, by and large, many, many things are the same.

I would like the Op to get fucking angry and draw strength from that, because this situation was so premeditated, he deserves all the anger she can muster. There is no meeting of halfway with this cunt.

Serial. Your agenda is pretty clear.

As I said earlier in the thread, however OP is feeling is legitimate. No-one can tell another person how to feel. It’s counter-productive and is invalidating of however she is feeling right now.

It really isn’t supportive.

This is her life and not entertainment for drama vultures.

Sone of you really should think twice before posting. Is this for her or is this post for myself. If the latter, then don’t post it.

Stoic & Sofa, you must both be on the same drugs.....

I've been where the Op is now, my thoughts, feelings and respect are with her. Her cheating partner has reduced her self esteem to zilch and caused her to question her sanity.

I'm kicking him !!!!!

The Narc will be back in a few days and projecting the blame onto her, when she is totally blameless and sounds like a bloody decent human being.

So sofa, pray tell, what is my agenda !?

I agree with serial.

Thing is, he is so consumed by lust for this woman that she is either a fantasy figure or they have dtd. Either way, it doesn't matter.

OP, he will undoubtedly come crawling back because as soon as this becomes reality, i.e. her husband finds out, he won't see her for dust. She has, at best, played your H like a fiddle for her own amusement and ego boost. At worse, she's encouraged and led him into an affair.
He is an utter fool and has been swept away from reality. But he had a choice, he wasn't sprinkled by lycra clad fairy dust. He could and should have admired her from afar for a minute and then firmly pushed those thoughts aside and focused on you. He chose not to. And that choice has led to this. He will be terrified of her H finding out, because then it becomes real, the game is over and the fallout begins.
Please don't torture yourself over this and kick that inner voice telling you that this is your fault into touch once and for all.

You must, must, must realise that when he crawls back, telling you everything you want him to say, he won't be doing it through genuine remorse, it will be because you are his only option, other than to be alone. That is harsh but it's the truth. You must find your anger because it will propel you into your better future without him. Her H has the right to know the truth simply because keeping him in the dark is cruel and unfair. Telling him wouldn't be about spite or hurting her, she's irrelevant.

You'll get through this but it will be a rollercoaster. Don't beat yourself up reading messages, just take one day at a time, minimise contact with him, lean on friends. And don't lie for him or protect him. He isn't worthy.

Take care.

Tygr

Take your own advice, you are coming over like a film critic.

Op, don't let that Narc back in......

You are worth so much more.

Best wishes to you.

I'm kicking him !!!!!

He’s not here.

And you are coming over like a gleeful rubbernecker.

Your posts are full of assumptions and projections, telling the OP how to feel, how she feels or how she is.

Have some proper respect and keep your opinions - not facts, opinions - to yourself. How dare you tell another woman she has no self-esteem. How dare you.

OP feel free to PM me - I’m going thro a very very similar situation but I didn’t find out as quickly as you & my H’s sexting developed into an 18 month affair that I only found out about last week.
He doesn’t know yet that I know - our marriage has been strained for months so I’m acting a bit till I get all my ducks in a row.
It is the shittiest of all shitty feelings - it’s a physical hurt & sadness that I am finding unbearable at times.

They are such wankers - why do they throw away family life for a shag?!

I don't think they have slept together as surely there would be messages about it that the OP would have read such as: it was amazing to finally get my hands on you.
She hasn't come across any messages of them arranging a time and place to meet up etc either.
Definitely sounds like they would have eventually done it though if they hadn't been caught out.
Scumbags!

Time to get ready for work, I haven't seen the kids yet, we'll walk to school together, and then when we're done get them home cook them something nice and tell them daddy won't be coming back for now. I don't want to tell them it's final, it seems very cruel to me, although there's no returning from this.
Like some PP he chose to do this, he could have even appreciated that "bum in lycras" from afar and leave it as a silly crush that anyone can have.

I obviously know that for the past few months he was thinking about her when we were in bed, that comes without saying.

I don't know when his heart left, but I can only think it happened before he saw those bloody lycras.

I'm all ask today for some hours off, I'd like to keep busy but also have too much to do and think about.

Hope your ok today op and manage the day ok. Again I'm so sorry your going through this x

Tygr

Apologies:

I meant to say you are coming over as a useless film critic !!!!

Don't put words into my mouth that I haven't used. HE has battered her self esteem, Op infers that herself.

One hour at a time Op, one day at a time......

Everyone on here is feeling for you and sends you their prayers.

You sound like an amazing woman and you are putting your children first through all of this. I salute you. DH is an eternal fool. I shall be thinking about you all day today.

One day at a time OP. You have a lot to do but at the same time there is no rush. Be kind to yourself, it must all few like some terrible dream at the moment

OP. You will get through this. You will. It's very early days and things will be hard but there will come a day when you feel better. He does not deserve you and you do not deserve how you have been treated. This isn't your fault.

I'm glad you've got some decent support in RL. We are also here for you. This place has helped me through some terrible times.