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Original poster

Caught DH sexting another woman

910 replies

user58104372 · 29/10/2017 05:11

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 30/10/2017 19:27

So sorry OP Flowers I'm sorry but regardless of reputation or protection or small village I'd be telling her husband. For no other reason than it makes it official. If she won't leave her dh then your dh can't crawl back and beg forgiveness and he also has to be held accountable for his actions. It also means you will get the support you need once his affair is out in the open.

RedastheRose · 30/10/2017 19:30

Tell her husband, your husband is probably hoping to keep it quiet so he can persuade her to join him. If her life blows up in her face she well and truly deserves it too. She sounds like someone who wants admiration from everyone and will lie to her husband and minimise what has been going on to save herself. Her husband deserves to know exactly what she has been doing so sending him copies of all of their messages would prevent that.

diddlemethis · 30/10/2017 19:30

Protect her? No to that.

Go to town, go to your small town with this. He will demonise you, be prepared for that.

be honest about why you have split. be dignified, but don’t protect that pair of vanity fuckers reputations. They didn’t give a damn about you. This woman and man prioritised their shagging over your and your children’s happiness.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2017 19:34

I'm so sorry OP. There really isn't any way back from this and it's obvious from your posts that you can't get over his lust for her and wish to protect her. The only thing you can do is take him at his word. How would you ever be able to believe him again?

He's not following the so-called script, he's in a bubble and nothing is going to penetrate that at the moment. He's not important though - and neither is she - you and your children are all that's important.

Be wary of advice here telling you what this is and isn't - nobody knows the true situation except you. There is a lot of projection on this thread and statements of posters own situations transposed onto yours. They may not be accurate. You have your best friend and hopefully she will be able to support you through this horrible time.

I personally wouldn't rush to do anything. It's all moving so fast and your husband has left now. That gives you time to think about what you'll tell your children and how you'll tackle what you need to tackle. But you have time, take it at your own pace and make decisions that you'll be content with when you look back.

Original poster
user58104372 · 30/10/2017 19:49

My BF is here. She knows her more or less well, but haven't spoken to her in depth in a very long time so she hasn't heard anything about this. Her idea is to ask the OWs BF. I don't think I've met her, but my BF knows and she says she's a very lovely person, and that she would know. But I don't need to know anything, I know everything there is to know. I'm not interested in her remorse. Maybe I'm in denial, and I wouldn't take him back but I'm worried about his mental health. Obsessing over some "bum in lycras“ to this extent seems like too much and pathological.

OP posts:
DarklyDreamingDexter · 30/10/2017 19:57

Time to explode his bubble. Get her husband involved and stand back and watch the fireworks.

CharlieBoo · 30/10/2017 20:00

You must must tell her husband.. send everything you’ve got to him

lollipop7 · 30/10/2017 20:06

Sorry I've not read all of these but I think you need to ask yourself this.

In relation to the time you have, your priorities and want you want to achieve is this OW and her poor husband really that far up your list?

I would respectfully suggest that they should be lurking towards the bottom of the pile.

What REALLY matters is you, your children and all of your health and being supported. Then legal advice and moving forward with this. I don't see how on earth any marriage could survive this without catastrophic impact on your mental health and peace of mind. It's masochistic.

If you've got the evidence you need keep it safe. I really don't thing shoving it under anyone's nose is necessary: I'm assuming you've got it not just for proof of his guilt but to prove he's been adulterous in marital law.

The biggest favour you can do yourself right now is cut those fuckers loose and look after number one. It will also be far more effective and disorientating for him.

With so much on your plate and on your mind you have to cut to the important stuff.

lollipop7 · 30/10/2017 20:07

I also just wanted to add that I am genuinely shocked at how many people are revving the OP up to cause herself even more pain and trauma right now.
This isn't a soap opera it's someone's life.

lollipop7 · 30/10/2017 20:09

Don't mistake disgusting betrayal and sexual obsession for mental health issues. That's degrading to mental health. I know it's difficult to accept but your husband knew exactly what he was doing.

Slowtrain2dawn · 30/10/2017 20:10

I wouldn’t actively tell her husband. I just wouldn’t hide the reason he has had to leave. I would openly tell friends and colleagues. Oh yes, H has left as he and ( insert name) are involved. In a small town word may get round but that’s not your problem. The much more important thing is that you look after yourself and your children. His feelings/ mental health problems are not your concern anymore. I’m so glad you have a friend with you.

klc75 · 30/10/2017 20:11

You did the best thing. Lean on your friend and your sister. I've been there... you'll get through it a stronger person x

user7680 · 30/10/2017 20:11

Wow.well done for kicking him out xx🌺

schoolgaterebel · 30/10/2017 20:13

Just came back into this thread and you are sounding so strong OP, you've been through hell and back and are clearly very resilient, I'm full of admiration.

Please tell the husband, he really does deserve to know, if the tables were turned you wouldn't want to be the only one still being deceived.

And prepare yourself for the time when his obsession bubble bursts, it will be you he comes begging for. Just brace yourself for that.

I have the say, he sounds really creepy.

yetmorecrap · 30/10/2017 20:16

Op, I’ve been here with a DH who developed s crush that went too far, although in my case I am told it was one sided, she didn’t know quite how far I believe , there was a lot of texting both ways. Instead though of sexting, mine write and recorded longing songs for this person and then hid them. He did go as far though as having occasional meet ups , none of which I was told. I found all this 11 years after the time it happened but it was still an enormous shock to realise that the person you thought they were had a bit of a screw loose. This too involved bereavement with his mum and some business issues too. As my counsellor told me when things get out of control in one area of life a lot of men in particular can develop totally out of character obsessions. It doesn’t excuse one iota but I can see this might have been the case. Like you mine said it was nothing to do with me , he loved me throughout , it was like a pure selfish thing for himself . I didn’t leave and nor did he as unlike you it wasn’t a current thing but it has certainly affected my trust and how I feel . All I can say is if you let him back and he decides that’s what he wants (he may not of course) you are in for one long rollercoaster of emotions, it’s not simple, please be aware of that , personally I think this kind of shit is much harder to get over than any one night stand . I wouldn’t tell her husband, I think it will come out anyway

SeamusMacDubh · 30/10/2017 20:27

I think I would print out all the messages, put them in an envelope addressed to her husband and post them to him.

I don't see any benefit in your BF talking to the OW's BF? To find out what? You know what has been said/sent, what do you need to know? That someone else other than your H, OW and H's creepy friend knew about this obsessive sexting?

Don't be specific with your DC, be vague and don't make a big deal out of it.

I hope you get some sleep tonight, at least now you've got it out in the open.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2017 20:28

Agree with lollipop it's really disheartening to read posts where the poster is rubbing their hands with glee at the drama unfolding. That's really unfair to the OP and she doesn't need that. It's her life that is falling apart, not a soap opera for your delectation.

mamahanji · 30/10/2017 20:31

Also me and my partner split recently and we told our daughter that ‘mummy and daddy aren’t making each other happy anymore so we are going to live separately so everyone can be happy again as it’s not nice to be sad with someone’ and then the generic we both love you so much and will still see daddy lots.

That’s the hardest thing. Explaining to your kids.

yetmorecrap · 30/10/2017 20:34

Yep, it isn’t Eastenders and it seems a few people seem to get off on other people’s trauma. Unless you have personally experienced something similar it’s impossible to realise how gut churningly awful it is and for a long period too. OP , my heart goes out to you. He will come to regret this I know regardless of what happens because knowing the deep unhappiness you have caused to someone that he says he loves is not a recipe for nice and easy moving on

user21 · 30/10/2017 20:39

I’m so sorry user58104372 💐

This is so sad and he’s being a complete dick. I honestly think he will realise he’s made a massive mistake. Please do whatever is best for you xxx

crimsonlake · 30/10/2017 20:41

There is no point in using the texts to keep as evidence of his adultery as grounds in divorce. He may or may not admit his adultery, if you begin divorce proceedings.On the paper work there is only room to write brief reasons, not a section where you can include copies of the evidence. If it goes to court if a financial settlement cannot be reached the judge will not be interested in apportioning blame. Better to save your energies to gathering and copying anything to do with your finances before he possibly attempts to hide everything.

PsychedelicSheep · 30/10/2017 20:51

Honestly, I’d be worried about his mental health too. I’m not saying you should do anything other than kick him out and divorce him but he really does sound as though he’s completely lost the fucking plot.

whirlyswirly · 30/10/2017 21:01

Yes to what psychedelicsheep said.

I'm so sorry. He's being an utter twat. Tell the husband if you feel it's the right thing, but look after your own interests first.

I'd get some legal advice asap. And check your bank accounts.

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/10/2017 21:02

Mine actually fantasised over his 'OW', but never actually talked to her or sat next to her, or was even alone in a room with her. She was purely friendly but he misread that as 'definite interest'. He texted her, without any prior approach to say 'I'm leaving my wife, and I'm ready to move in with you,' which scared the poor thing half to death.

He was having a breakdown. His infatuation with the woman he believed was perfect (he was becoming religious, because 'she' had religious beliefs, he was almost trying to 'become' her) was because he was failing badly at his life. Our marriage was symptomatic of his failures (I was succeeding), and his brain just flipped. Told him to move on. So he fixated on the first friendly face to come along, convinced himself he was in love with her and it was reciprocated.

It would almost be funny if it weren't so sad. OP, is your husband under a lot of strain? Is there a chance he's having a breakdown? Not that there's any going back from this, but the knowledge of what happened to my XH at least helped me to understand it wasn't me. It was all him.

MISSINDE · 30/10/2017 21:14

I would tell the husband immediately.