Caught DH sexting another woman

[user58104372]

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

OP, I'm not dismissing any of the posts that suggest he's grossly betrayed yoru trust, but there was an interetsing piece in the papers this week about how when someone is unfaithful in a good marriage (which yours sounds like it is - as in he has until recently been supportive of you and your aims in life) the it is usually 100% a problem with the unfaithful partner's self image and self worth, not a reflection on how they feel about you.

Of course you're entitled to react however you choose, but if you don't want to go through the heartbreak and stress of a split over what appears to be some kind of ridiculous infatuation, then it might be worth considering this aspect and working through it with him. Obviously entirely under your own terms and conditions, not his.

Where has he gone op?

He wants to protect her ?!!

Beggars belief...if he loved you because you are the mother of his children, because his kids matter to him, that would have taken precedence over a Lycra clad butt to obsess over. Looks like he wanted to escape from real life and didn’t care what he’d trample over. What a shit....

Did he sound sorry?

He wants to protect HER?!

I disagree millifori. I think life just got a little too bleak with his bereavement and then the OP’s. He thought he deserved some escapism and the pursuit of this woman became that. Every human being feels this way sometimes but decency stops us from shitting on our loved ones...that said, we cannot know the whole story, we don’t know this guy, even the OP feels like she doesn’t know him. Who knows what was going on in his head?

Be kind to yourself in the next few days/weeks you are going to go through a train crash of emotions. Take care x

I think protecting her would immobilise his ability to be sorry, OP. 'Sorry' he was caught, at a push. Even if he is sorry, it's not enough. It's not good enough.

Her DH deserves to know and these two clowns deserve a red hot mess of a wake up call for their arrogant, ego-driven antics. They've put everyone's happiness and future on the line here. What utter assholes!

He doesnt want her husband know because he doesn't think it's fair. He pursued her until she gave in. He seemed to imply we can't be a couple anymore or try to become one again. I'm starting to believe he has a pathological obsession, even when he was talking to me he couldn't hide the passion and lust he feels for her.

I would forward copies of the messages to the husband

He can make his own mind up

Hm. I am surprised he didn't launch into The Script. Is it possible that he is depressed and walked out calmly because of the associated self-loathing that sometimes happens? He may feel he deserves to be alone.

(I think he does but normally the first reaction is "Oh shit, can we pretend this didn't happen?")

She isn’t innocent

Must have been horrible to hear, Her husband has every right to know the ow is not an innocent and you shouldnt protect her, Out of anyone that should be protected its you. Hes such a piece of shit, You poor thing.

The reality hasn’t hit him. He’s obsessed by a crush and doesn’t realise what he’s lost

She'll probably block him and never speak to him again when she gets wind of the fact you know and her husband might find out. Your DH will soon come running back. Stay strong

Very bizarre... he doesn't really want her either. He just wants to get excited over a Lycra clad thigh gap. Fuck. It's so cheap and horrible and meaningless and he's throwing everyone of value under the bus because of his pathological, irrational lust. But she's 'protected'.
Oh God OP. I hurt for you and your family. Are you with your sister or home alone? You must be totally sideswiped. I mean, you must be wondering who the fuck this guy is, the one you've considered your loving, supportive DH.

I don't think it's fair if the OW's husband isnt told.

Fair enough she was pursued, but she didn't have a gun to her head when she sent the lingerie clad selfies to your DH.

What an arsehole. Tell him to get to fuck. He wants to protect her? What about you and your DC?

Off he fucks forever. No second chances.

What a shock for you, OP. I hope you are not questioning yourself.. THIS IS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. You did not cause this. He sounds like he’s lost his marbles, just wanted to say that, be strong....

Millifiori you’re joking, right? Why should she support him? He should have gone to therapy before he behaved so despicably. You sound like a surrendered wife!

Doesn't think it's fair? To whom exactly? He wasn't thinking about being fair to you and the DC when he was whipping his cock out. Christ he's pathetic!
And why protect her? She'll probably shit herself and back the fuck off when she realises you know. I highly doubt she'd want it out in the open and risk tarnishing her reputation, especially if everyone believes she's such a saint with all the charity work.

It sounds like he feels he is free to be with her now. I wonder what she will think of that. Beware that she might back off when she knows you know and he will be back with his tail between his legs.