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Original poster

Caught DH sexting another woman

910 replies

user58104372 · 29/10/2017 05:11

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

OP posts:
Garlicansapphire · 30/10/2017 16:00

Just be vague to the kids today - Daddy had to go away. It doesn't matter what you say to him - be as angry, cold or hurt as you like. But from now on you need to manage carefully what you say to the children and that will take time to work out. Children can be remarkably accepting of changes, but the longer term messages will matter (you're not in a head space to work that out now - and have no way of knowing what is going to happen). Just take small steps day by day.

I'm so sorry O.P. This is your agony and pain and hurt and there could be any number of outcomes, it will take time to see which transpires. But protect yourself and think about what you need and want as you go along - to prevent any further harm or hurt to yourself.

I have been in your shoes. I know it feels like the rug has been pulled from underneath you and you no longer know what is true anymore. My discovery uncovered others - but yours may not. But even then I went for counselling with him for 4 months to see what I wanted and whether the marriage was redeemable. Its a long slow road - but you will start to see things with fresh eyes and according to what you want and need. So painful.

But one day, when you wake up it wont be the first thing that hits you smack in the face and takes your breath away. Life will get better.

Big hugs to you.

fridayrain · 30/10/2017 16:04

Good luck OP.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/10/2017 16:05

Be prepared for him to say that as they haven't slept together, it's not an affair.

Just reply 'I didn't realise you were a Bill Clinton fan. I'm happy to divorce you for unreasonable behaviour if you'd prefer.'

Original poster
user58104372 · 30/10/2017 16:09

He can't say that to me. They clearly had every intention to "consummate" they even talk about it as a certainty just no date to it. All the sexting is awful, but to me the actual pursuit is worse.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 30/10/2017 16:11

What Megthehen says is entirely true. Similar situation with ex. I felt like shit. I eventually left him but the character assassination and minimising, was lethal. He had to save face didn't he? As a mate always says, throw a penis in the mix & you'll soon see who your friends really are. Amazing how many women believe the "crazy ex" story, all based on whether a man is fanciable or not. Your DH and this woman are stupid. Written evidence of what they're up to. I hope they both pay the price. It's worse still when you have to see the woman regularly as she's an acquaintance/somewhere you visit a lot. In my case It was an acquaintance so I know how you feel. Confront him. (my mind is vaguely ewww as to WHY men would even think a dick pic is attractive!)

GoulishGoblinPumpkinSnatcher · 30/10/2017 16:14

This thread must seem so surreal to you. I will be thinking of you tonight. Where do you think he will go once you've told him to go tonight? Does he have friends houses he can stay at? He's hardly going to be able to go to OW's house is he? He really is in the shit here by his own doings.
It's going to go 2 ways once you kick him out. He's either going to grovel in text messages or he's not going to be bothered and will try to get with OW. I suspect it will probably be the 1st and not the latter.
It's so hard to look at your DH in the same light after this. This is such a sad thread and could have been so easily avoided if he would not have done what he did. Both of them have taken it too far.
Best of luck for tonight.

MistressDeeCee · 30/10/2017 16:18

& it's perfectly normal to be angry at the OW too, what do people expect you to do, smile and greet her and the school? Fuck sister solidarity in that instance, she's a sleaze as much as your DH is. Focus on taking him to task - but don't listen to women who pretend they'd not be angry at OW or confront, if brave enough. No pass for being same sex or "not the one who broke the vows". So what. Men will forever cheat whilst there are women who can't keep their legs closed when it comes to an entitled jackass of a man who already has a wife and family, but is looking to sneak around. What if her DH found out and landed your DH one? I almost hope that happens..let him get knocked the fk out I bet the Mills & Boon longing would stop then.

lou1221 · 30/10/2017 16:19

when is he due home? Good luck, be prepared for all sorts of shit that comes out of his mouth. Also, be prepared for him being completely callous, and not show any remorse, the way he hasn't even tried to hide anything makes me feel that he wants to be caught. Maybe, I'm wrong, just seems odd that he's laid it all out for you to find...

Redpony1 · 30/10/2017 16:22

Good luck, you can do this Flowers

teablanket · 30/10/2017 16:28

Good luck, OP.

I went through a similar thing earlier this year, the only reason my partner didn't have sex with the other woman was geographic inconvenience.

I threw him out. He cut all contact with her, promised to change. I was weak, our child missed him terribly, so he moved back in and we slipped into old habits, and are currently in an awful imitation of what once made us happy. I wish I'd had the strength to stick to life without him. Some people can make it work, but I don't think I'll ever move past the hurt as long as we're together.

Original poster
user58104372 · 30/10/2017 16:31

I genuinely don't think he even thought about covering up or being secretive about it. After all I could just have walked in the front room and I would have seen him! He was too lost in the excitement.

OP posts:
Opheliasgoldenwine · 30/10/2017 16:32

Good luck OP Flowers

ptumbi · 30/10/2017 16:32

I didn't mean to mock her - I wonder why the 3 'laugh till I cry' emojis then? Hmm

Yet was happily still cohabiting - I really don't think OP is doing anything happily, at the moment. Angry

Leave OP alone. She doesn't need your permission to feel how she does. Nor to do what she feels best.

Op - I think there might be a bit of Madonna Whore complex going on. You said he says things to her that he doesn't to you. The messages do seem a lot bit 'infatuated' with her, unrealistically so.

misscheery · 30/10/2017 16:34

OP, you’re clearly having probably the hardest time of your life. Regardless of what your decisions/actions will be I think you need to take into account several factors

-the way you present the problem to your children
-what are your next steps (ie where are you going to live, what’s your disposable income, etc)
-how will you tell him?
-and no matter what, this needs to be a break up, you can’t trust him. He has betrayed you in so many ways...

My thoughts go to you, be strong & brave!

TheVanguardSix · 30/10/2017 16:37

What on earth can I add? My heart bleeds for you. It's just such an utterly shit situation. How you've held it together is completely admirable OP! Flowers

yetmorecrap · 30/10/2017 16:40

The problem is once you have seen it written down, be it sexting stuff or romantic longing but non sexual stuff (as in my case), it is very very hard to ever get that out your head, regardless of what remorse comes into the mix from their end .Its nigh on impossible to see them the same way I feel. The only reason I have remained so far is it was 11 years ago (found last year) , rather than anything recent. If I had found this stuff at the time, he would have been out the door. You must do what is best for you and your family OP and if at the moment that is not telling him to sod off, and seeing how it goes, it really is your call, that is of course if he doesnt want to end things with you.

123lookatme · 30/10/2017 16:42

Oh OP I feel for you I know that horrendous feeling. For me the deceit, lies and pure brashness of what DH was doing was worse than if he had done the deed...it was like living with a person I didnt know.

Please, please get your evidence screen shotted because as soon as it's out in the open all evidence will be destroyed Im telling you...again something I didnt think my DH would ever, ever do but he did :( remember at the moment you "do not know" this person

RedDahlia · 30/10/2017 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShiksaSista · 30/10/2017 16:44

Big hug to you sweetheart

Been there.

Had that hideous heart-thumping, numbness of reading sexts like that- reading words my H wrote and how he mocked me.

You've had fantastic advice on here- I copied everything -I had a nagging need to do so. I was right to as my "nicer than pie" H turned on me, minimised, told everyone we knew that I was mad- was he in for a shock when I made his texts public.

Find your inner Tiger and roar for your kids.

yogagirl22 · 30/10/2017 16:47

Thinking of you OP I really hope you manage this awful conversation with strength and dignity x

GrapesAreMyJam · 30/10/2017 16:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ShiksaSista · 30/10/2017 16:48

Lou1221 is spot on

Does anyone have the script

I'd put money on you being told "you're being mad, it was just stupid words and didn't mean anything- loads of people do it"
"What do you expect- you've let yourself go/aren't sexy/don't give me enough sex"

Maybe he'll storm out.

Stay strong- it cannot get worse than finding the stuff and realising you've had the wool pulled over your eyes.

scatterbrainedstarfish · 30/10/2017 16:57

Thinking of you OP FlowersFlowersFlowers

Nadinexo1 · 30/10/2017 17:00

good luck op. you deserve better. your children deserve better. thinking of you Flowers

Original poster
user58104372 · 30/10/2017 17:02

He should be back soon. For better or for worse they never talked about me it's like I never existed. They did talk about being parents a couple of times, but it was always a passing note.

I just read about that complex, I don't think it would apply here as she was not only "extremely fuckable" but also "a constant inspiration" and "worth of admiration". She does fundraising for a local charity.

OP posts: