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Original poster

Caught DH sexting another woman

910 replies

user58104372 · 29/10/2017 05:11

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

OP posts:
Georgeofthejungle · 30/10/2017 14:24

Wow OP I truly admire your composure here! 100% I would have lost my shit majorly long before now. He’d not know what had hit him and her husband would most definitely know exactly what she’d been up to.

Do not let him tone this down to nothing. Totally agree with previous posts - find your anger and throw it in his face!

123lookatme · 30/10/2017 14:29

She's said she wants to slap the other woman. Yet was happily still cohabiting with the man who's been sending the messages last night?? Probably cooked him dinner and shared a bed
Im sure the OP is in shock and doesnt know which way to turn, she is in dis-belief that how can this man, her husband who she thought she knew inside out could do such utter dis-repecting things behind her back...his own wife. So to carry on as normal until it's all sunk in, is in my opinion quite normal. In fact for me, it took a whole week I was in utter shock I couldnt and still cant believe the things my DH of 16 years did - so go easy on her I think she's going through enough

whiskyowl · 30/10/2017 14:29

lottie - the point is that, in so many of these cases, the OW becomes the lightning rod drawing the anger that really ought to be reserved for the DH.

No-one is saying poor OP ought to like this other woman. But the slapping should be reserved for the bloke who promised her he wouldn't cheat and who utterly failed to live up to that.

It's pathetic because it's such an obvious, cliched thing to do - to displace anger from the important cheating party to the other, less significant one who is convenient to hate. Like most forms of displacement, it's a way of not processing/dealing with what has happened. You see so many women who choose for some unknown reason to stay with cheating husbands full of poison against an OW, who is less guilty towards them than the husband they have stayed with.

Ploppie4 · 30/10/2017 14:30

Yes impressed with your composure!

An revengeful part of me thinks chuck him out then ask your friend to let it be known they have been sexting each other. A bit of public humiliation

The more sensible moderate part of me thinks get all financial details and then show him the door without any fuss

littlechous · 30/10/2017 14:33

Good luck OP

In my situation I found the OW’s DH’s contact details and let him know. Unfortunately I didn’t have screenshots so he had to take my word for it. He was devastated and they’re still together, she managed to minimise it really well to him. I’m glad I told him though as in my head she deserved to feel a fraction of the anguish i was feeling.

SandyY2K · 30/10/2017 14:33

A reminder to eat and stay hydrated OP.

MyfatheristheKing · 30/10/2017 14:37

Op I’m so sorry for what you are going through. You don’t deserve this. You need someone who worships the ground you walk on.

Don’t let him try and sway you tonight! Or make you think it’s all your fault.

threeandmeandthedog · 30/10/2017 14:42

OP you sound stronger and surer in your last posts. Harness your anger and blast him. Say everything you need to. And please tell your friends or close family. I am going through a similar situation and telling other people has given me more strength and really helped.
It's horrible and awful and I am sorry your DH is an arsehole, like mine. We deserve better and so do our kids. X

Lottie509 · 30/10/2017 14:44

Its the way op felt at the time her feelings have clearly changed whiskyowl.
OP has had a real shock and life changing news and read all the gory details from her husbands affair. People should be supportive to her on here.

Beequeeny · 30/10/2017 14:56

Just to say I'm sorry this is happening to you OP.

Good luck in confronting your husband, there's no way he can get out of it or deny it if you show him all the screenshots. Try and stay strong and don't let him manipulate you, he does not sound like a sweet or great man.

Try and get hold of ow's dh's details ready to send him copies of the screenshots too. Is he on Facebook? Does your friend who's friends with ow know him?

Beequeeny · 30/10/2017 14:58

Do you have rl support? So you have someone you can go to after confronting DH?

Beequeeny · 30/10/2017 15:00

Nandoshoes- no need to be a dick

lou1221 · 30/10/2017 15:06

Seriously, some ppl need to give op a break! It's been less than 48 hours since she found the disgusting messages. It's such a shock and she is coping miraculously, bearing in mind she's had to teach today and act as normal, prob speaking to parents etc, with all this going on in her head. Good luck op. Flowers

QueenofallIsee · 30/10/2017 15:16

I hope you are OK OP, I really feel for you. I found messages on my DPs phone from a friend of mine and my heart is still broken about it - do confront your husband and I would be clear to the OW that you know

user1467718508 · 30/10/2017 15:35

Best of luck for tonight, OP

Flowers Brew...or better still Gin

Original poster
user58104372 · 30/10/2017 15:37

I've told my sister what has happened, that H has been cheating on me. My DC are now with her, and left work early. I'll pack him a bag and hopefully we won't have to talk for long. I don't think there's much to talk about anyways. Ideally I'd like to my DC today. I don't know what to tell them, that they have a bad daddy? That daddy clearly doesn't love mummy? They need some sort of explanation

OP posts:
Poppyfields21 · 30/10/2017 15:40

So sorry to hear what you’re going through.

However, for the children’s benefit please do not under any circumstances say anything bad about their father. It would be unnecessarily devastating for them.

You should, in time, just tell them that mummies and daddies don’t always live together and you and daddy will live apart going forward but you both love the children as much as you ever did.

It will only undermine you if you bad mouth their father.

Teddy7878 · 30/10/2017 15:42

Yes, don't say anything horrible about him to the kids. It could have lasting consequences and destroy their relationship.
Just tell them mummy's and daddy's don't always stay together and he's going to have his own home soon that they can visit lots

NinjaPosse · 30/10/2017 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 30/10/2017 15:47

I really don’t think you should tell your dc anything permanent today at all. You’re not in the right frame of mind and that needs to be handled really carefully. Depending on how it goes with your H, you might be able to agree to tell them an age appropriate version together. Do NOT confuse punishing him with what is best for your innocent dc.

Good luck for later.

lou1221 · 30/10/2017 15:50

Glad you've told your sister. Don't fall into the trap of badmouthing Daddy to your children, as appalling as his behaviour has been, you need to keep this separate. Especially as ow has a child in the school. All you have to say, is that adults are sometimes too cross to live with each other, they say/do things that the other adult doesn't like and they have to live apart. But it doesn't change how they are with their children, both mummy and daddy still love the children very much. He's their dad and will always be.

RealHousewifeOfLapland · 30/10/2017 15:52

Wishing you the best of luck op Flowers

SandyY2K · 30/10/2017 15:53

Can you tell them daddy has gone away for a few days with work or something ?

That may depend on their ages and whether he's willing to leave the house as you've said.

Once you've decided on a permanent spilt, then you can tell the children a little more, but not the details, as Im sure you wouldn't.

The details can haunt them for years to come and thet don't need that. One suggestion ... depending on their ages ...once divorce is definite is 'that married people make important promises to each other and daddy broke one of those promises'

They don't need to know which promise. You can say you'll explain more when they are older ... but most important is to assure them it's not their fault ... it's grown up stuff and that you both love them and always will.

You don't need to worry about that right now though. I know a million thoughts will be going on in your head and it's just spinning.

Original poster
user58104372 · 30/10/2017 15:58

I just don't see any other way but a permanent split. It haunts me that he pursued her in an almost obsessive way. I can't get over it, and to me that's total lack of love. He can tell me whatever he wants but he doesn't love me anymore and I don't want to be in a marriage when only one person has love to give.

OP posts:
123lookatme · 30/10/2017 15:59

OP agree with others DC do not need to know anything at all yet. You yourself havent decided what you will do. But please, please be warned his WILL minimalise everything and say you are over reacting and you may even get tears from him at how devasted he is and how foolish he's been as it was nothing...

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