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Original poster

Caught DH sexting another woman

910 replies

user58104372 · 29/10/2017 05:11

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

OP posts:
Flatbellyfella · 30/10/2017 13:13

What ever you do about them now will still have the awful prospect of seeing her at the school gates. I hope other mums get to know about their actions too. I can only hope you have his bags packed for the moment you confront him, & get yourself a solicitor. Best wishes to you.

Nadinexo1 · 30/10/2017 13:15

i doubt shed come clean herself, if she were a decent person she wouldn't be sexting in the first place

PNGirl · 30/10/2017 13:16

She won't come clean! I reckon in her mind she'll want to chalk it up as a moment of madness where nothing really happened.

Lottie509 · 30/10/2017 13:16

The only thing is if you dont tell her dh then she may not tell him the complete truth, Which would be unfair on him, If you just send him the screen shots he can see for himself then. She could be deleting all of your husbands messages on her phone so he doesnt know.

Notmyrealname85 · 30/10/2017 13:17

You’re grieving having lost the man you thought was your husband - it’ll take time to come to know the man he really is (which is a scumbag). Do not for one second make this turn back on you and start questioning yourself - scummy bastards will do this regardless of how amazing a person and partner you are. And how would you have notified it otherwise, no one lives their life thinking they’re married to a cheat like this.

witchofzog · 30/10/2017 13:18

I am so sorry op. You sound lovely and you deserve so much better

Squealhowlscary · 30/10/2017 13:21

Don't worry about whether to tell her H or not, you can decide that at a later date. Focus on dealing with your H and getting through the aftermath for now. Her H might find out from others anyway since you share mutual friends with OW.

123lookatme · 30/10/2017 13:35

You must must take screen shots of the messages he WILL delete all evidence as soon as he knows yr onto him

SandyY2K · 30/10/2017 13:46

Really makes me sick how everyone else seems to think they know what’s best for the OP. It’s her life. This isn’t a soap opera.

What exactly are you talking about? Off course its her life. Most posters are trying to be supportive here.

People are speaking with the benefit of their experiences to help and support the OP. If you don't like that people are giving advice, what are you doing in MN?

I'm not saying all advice should be taken for one minute, but this is a public forum.

Nandoshoes · 30/10/2017 13:48

Sorry your slagging off this other woman who you don't know who has
No loyalty to you.

However your husband who has been sending photos of his dick to this woman...is a great man.

Ok then 😂😂😂

whiskyowl · 30/10/2017 13:51

I actually wouldn't speak to him immediately. You have absolute, positive evidence of cheating here. There really is nothing to discuss. Nothing he can say will explain or excuse what he has done,

I'd be seeing a solicitor, getting the finances in line, then moving with swift, decisive and deadly force to get rid of him on the best possible terms for you, and the worst possible for him.

123lookatme · 30/10/2017 13:52

Really makes me sick how everyone else seems to think they know what’s best for the OP. It’s her life. This isn’t a soap opera

OP has come on here for advice a...a good majority of us have been through this, are going through similar times and some have come out the other side. Sadly after the reveal it tends to follow a couple fo similar patterns so if we can help the OP with a bit of a "heads up" maybe, just maybe she can get through this awful time in her life a tiny bit easier. For me just knowing that I wasnt the only one who had gone through this with my DH gave me a release from the utterly, utterly horrendous feeling that was in the pit of my stiomach morning nood and night. At the time I was not to be able to speak to someone in RL Mumsnetters kept me sane. There are plenty of other sections for you to click over to...

Chikka1971 · 30/10/2017 13:53

Nando I actually can’t believe what I just read! Did you actually just mock the OP?!! She has only just found out what’s been going on. ANY emotion she feels is justified right now. Shame on you Angry

123lookatme · 30/10/2017 13:54

Probably another thread...
but why oh why do men send dick pics - I really dont get it yuk!!!!

Ibbleobbleblackbobble · 30/10/2017 13:59

just joined this so apologies if its already been asked......why were you reading his messages in the first place? Were you suspecting any thing already?

Nandoshoes · 30/10/2017 14:01

I didn't mean to mock her but she is just constantly slagging off this other woman who she doesn't even know. Yet the man who married her is so fab the sun shines out his cheating arse.

Original poster
user58104372 · 30/10/2017 14:04

Ibbleobbleblackbobble I had seen him spending more and more time on his phone. The last week in particular he kept coming to bed substantially later than usual, so I started to wonder. I actually didn't expect an affair, I thought it was gambling or some sort of gaming

OP posts:
Hissy · 30/10/2017 14:08

Focus on getting through the day OP, it's going to take everything you have, but you will do it, and you will get through this. I promise.

Focus then on you, on your situation, your feelings, your hurt, your anger.

Don't worry about his feelings, or hers, or even about the OW marriage. You are the important one in all this.

You WILL get through this.

Lottie509 · 30/10/2017 14:08

I think I would slag someone off who was going to fuck my husband too nando!? Since when was the ow a victim??
Try and have a little compassion and be kind poor op is going through alot at the moment.

scatterbrainedstarfish · 30/10/2017 14:09

@Nandoshoes totally uncalled for. She can slag this woman off and justifiably so. The OPs best friend is friends with this OW so knows that the man she is cheating on her husband with is married.

Nandoshoes · 30/10/2017 14:10

She's said she wants to slap the other woman. Yet was happily still cohabiting with the man who's been sending the messages last night?? Probably cooked him dinner and shared a bed.

SandyY2K · 30/10/2017 14:11

I still don't know about telling her DH, I agree he deserves to know, but the decent thing for her to do is to come clean.

Decency isn't her thing though.

If you feel certain your marriage is over, I imagine you'll not be that fussed about her H knowing , but if you were wanting to work through things ... then her H really should know.

Right now he has a wife acting inappropriately and that could fo on for a long time. Your husband is infatuated with her from the messages.

Does he generally have an obsessive personality like this? I'm not fit one moment saying she's innocent, but having that level of attention from him, must have been extremely flattering for her.

If she even had a slightly shaky marriage .... then add to that a man who seems like he worships the ground you walk on ... it would be very easy for her to cave.

Again... I'm not condoning her actions. All she needed to tell your H. Is that she's married and uninterested, so he should leave her alone.

The longer her H doesn't know, is the longer he's being betrayed.

In my experience, a confession often comes when one of the APs (affair partners), gets caught and they know the OBS (other betrayed spouse) will tell their spouse.

That gives then the opportunity to minimise the affair though...they give a watered down version.

Either way, that isn't your priority right now. You have bigger fish to fry.

Original poster
user58104372 · 30/10/2017 14:19

SandyY2K I don't realise he could be so obsessive. And you're right that's exactly what happened, he basically worshipped her non - stop, I'm not trying to be empathetic because she doesn't deserve any, but I can see why anyone could cave in.

OP posts:
Lottie509 · 30/10/2017 14:20

Oh of course Nando she shouldnt feel the need to slap someone sharing filthy messages with her husband, She should have changed the sheets fresh for them and invited her round for her to fuck her husband? How dare op feel any sort of hate for the ow. Poor ow.

Lottie509 · 30/10/2017 14:21

My response was totally sarcastic btw nando if you didnt grasp that.