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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So this is it then...

452 replies

pointythings · 28/10/2017 20:45

So my DH is an alcoholic. I gave him an ultimatum in July - the drink or his family. He chose to go into rehab. Two weeks ago he finished treatment.

Tonight I came home after a night away with DDs to ComicCon and he was slurring, showing all the signs. So I snooped. Yep, empty bottle of spirits hidden in his backpack.

I confronted him and the first thing he said was 'can we not do this in front of the girls. Oh how the alcoholics like their secrecy. No, H, the girls need to know - they are 14 and 16 and they have been part of all the conversations.

So now my marriage is over. Shit. I am not backing down. This is it, done, finished. No more chances, he's had plenty. I still feel like shit.

OP posts:
HappyintheHills · 08/02/2018 17:49

Pointy You’re welcome. You do need to look after yourself so that you have the resources to help others. Take care. BrewCake

Joysmum · 08/02/2018 18:14

Nah fuck that. If it were just you then maybe you could see if he improved but when your kids are being hurt by this you’ve got no choice other than to be protecting them.

Haffdonga · 08/02/2018 18:21
Angry Kitty there's an expression in my country that It's easy for a single person to get divorced. (i.e. It's easy for someone who hasn't lived through the experience to dole out advice on what they would do.) We don't know if you too have an alcoholic partner and have made different choices to Pointy, but we can safely assume you aren't married to Pointy's XP so you haven't lived her life and don't know anything about what she's been through and how she's reached this decision.

Do you really think that because you've watched a documentary FFS, that you have the wisdom and experience to tell Pointy that she's doing the wrong thing after the years and years she has lived this situation? Do you really think that after it has got to the stage where she feels her dcs are being seriously harmed that she would be right to put her marriage above their safety and wellbeing? Have you ever read any of the threads on here written by the children of alcoholic parents or understand the devastation it can cause for life?

I advise you politely to learn and listen more to posters like Pointy (who has shown nothing but kindness and strength towards her xH despite everything) and judge less.

Pointy I'm sorry to have a rant at Kitty on your thread and I will bow out without further ado.

Original poster
pointythings · 08/02/2018 18:27

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater, Joysmum and Haffdonga thank you all for piling in. No need to bow out. I have to admit Kitty's words stung, because they echo what my mum said and may well still be thinking. Preserve the marriage no matter what. You are a bad wife if you think of yourself and end the marriage. Sacrifice everything for your partner, including your children's wellbeing.

Well, fuck that. The only regret I will continue to have to live with is that I didn't start the process of detaching from him in 2015 when he first broke his promise about 'no more secret drinking'. In every other way I am a mother protecting her children and I am proud of everything I have done to take them away from his horrible negative influence.

OP posts:
Catkins0877 · 08/02/2018 18:39

I grew up with alcoholic parents.I used to wish someone would come but me in care(:( I had to cut off all contact with my parents.I tried so hard with them but in the end the drink will win every time.He's the one who will have to to make the choice to get better.

Alcoholism is the gift that keeps on giving........I don't have contact with my parents because I want to be able to say that I chose my children's well-being over all else.

I think you may need to end the relationship. Best of luck with it.x

venusandmars · 08/02/2018 18:41

pointy I'm an alcoholic (ex-alcoholic?) anyway used to be a problem drinker.

I applaud what you have done. I cringe when I read about your stbxh, every excuse, that used to be me Blush Sad

Fortunately I managed to turn things around, but if your ex isn't/can't do that, then you all need to be free of him.

You are doing the right thing to protect yourself and your dds.

Original poster
pointythings · 08/02/2018 18:41

Catkins don't worry, the divorce is wending its way through the court system even as we speak. He's moved out to his own place and isn't coming back. The relationship is well and truly over, no wobbles here at all.

But thank you for the affirmation.

OP posts:
Original poster
pointythings · 08/02/2018 18:42

And thank you, venus. Respect to you for turning it around. Flowers

OP posts:
humblebumble · 09/02/2018 03:14

Hi, I'm not sure if you remember me. My DH is also an alcoholic. After a terrible time recently it resulted in him maybe reaching his rock bottom. He ended up at the airport very drunk trying to fly away from everything. Two weeks ago we managed to encourage him to go into a 5 day detox and then transfer to a 2 month rehab program.
It's been a hellish time but it's also brought the children and I some relief.i am under incredible pressure to be the "go to" person but I am exhausted. I need a break.
The post from Kitty doesn't seem to really appreciate the whole picture.
You are incredibly strong and an inspiration to me. Keep going!

Original poster
pointythings · 09/02/2018 08:03

Hi humble of course I remember you. I am glad you got your H into rehab and I hope it works for him. Are you getting support for you? If you can attend Al-Anon please do so. It will give you the strength to set boundaries, cope with relapse and care for yourself. It is hugely important to do that and to think.about your future if your H does not succeed in rehab. You don't have to end up like me but be prepared. Good luck, enjoy the respite and take care.

OP posts:
GlitteryFluff · 09/02/2018 09:51

Have only just discovered this thread - started reading it last night during a night feed and have finished it now.

Op you are amazing.
You've totally done the right thing for you, and your dd's. Hopefully he will sort himself out when he's able to and can have a decent relationship with his kids. But if he doesn't then it's a shame but they'll be ok.

Apologies if I've missed it but do you know if he has told anybody else other than two I read about - cousin and mutual friend if I remember right? Does he have any siblings or close friends who can give him a good shake and tell him to get his act together? Though I suppose it's not your problem now anyway. Just would be good if he could sort his life out for the girls but as I say they'll be ok if he can't. They've got you and that's all they need. Thanks

trevthecat · 09/02/2018 11:38

Ohhhh I've just read all this thread. I left an addict 5 years ago now. Was drugs not drink but same patterns. You are making the best life for your dds. It's hard but you get there. The guilt will slowly become less, the feeling that you can help will lessen. 5 years on and my 2 are 7 and 5. I've met someone great and we just had a baby. We don't see him anymore. Good luck. Your doing amazing

Original poster
pointythings · 12/02/2018 18:52

Today we moved DD1 into the room that used to be his. We repainted it yesterday and spent today getting all her stuff in, curtains and posters up, a lot of my stuff moved out and into the room where I am now. It's amazing how a lick of paint and some redecorating can transform a room - it is all hers now, a den of geekness that can be adapted as she gets older, though I don't particularly want her to stop loving Marvel and Harry Potter and Sherlock.

It's another step along the road that is our new life.

STBXH has come out of his latest relapse and emailed me today asking if the girls and I wanted to go to the cinema with him. Too much, too soon. Which I told him, very mildly. He needs to learn patience, he is still expecting miracles.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 13/02/2018 23:35

Well done to you and your dds for moving forward; moving dd1 into his old room sounds like an excellent idea. Smile

Original poster
pointythings · 21/02/2018 08:21

So today is my 50th birthday. Time to take stock, I guess. I can honestly say I am happy. My DDs have been plotting some kind of surprise for me and have been giggling and singing around the house. Flu notwithstanding they are so much better. My ducks are in a row financially and DD1 is narrowing down her uni choices. Normality is great and I am loving being single. The rest is just admin. Onwards and upwards!

OP posts:
ChefsFloozie · 21/02/2018 09:11

Happy birthday!

Sounds like you are doing brilliantly, your girls must be so proud. Enjoy the surprise!

dizzy174 · 21/02/2018 09:12

Happy Birthday pointy x

Alfiemoon1 · 21/02/2018 09:16

Happy birthday

hellsbellsmelons · 21/02/2018 09:24

Happy birthday!!!
You are doing so so well.
Being single is great!
Enjoy it.
Just wanted to come on say - YOU ARE AMAZING!!!

Aussiebean · 21/02/2018 19:51

Happy birthday FlowersCake

Original poster
pointythings · 21/02/2018 21:47

Thank you all! It's been mostly a good day though there was the usual run of bad news from my auntie back home in Holland, reporting that my mum is still drinking heavily and driving without a license. I've given up, I can't go and visit her because I can't leave DDs overnight, and it would do no good anyway because she doesn't want to be helped. She has daily care input and a lot of support from her neighbours, but she doesn't meet criteria for admission to a care home against her will. And I'm not having her here.

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 22/02/2018 08:20

Pointy, your mum is choosing to do those things and you going to visit her won't change anything. Try not to worry about it. You're right to stay at home.

I hope you had a lovely birthday full of peace and love.

FYC · 22/02/2018 15:24

Happy slightly belated Birthday, Pointy! I’m glad you are starting your next decade free and single.

The last thing your family needs at the moment is to swap on alcoholic for another. It is sad, but this is your mother’s choice. She is supported, and could have more support if needed. Has anyone reported her driving? They should.

Do what you can, but you and the girls come first in EVERYTHING now. No more compromising that.

FYC · 22/02/2018 15:25

(Not that you compromised that! That was exh’s issue)

Original poster
pointythings · 22/02/2018 17:27

Rise and FYC you are both right of course. And I am not wavering - my mum has to take care of herself or accept more help. I have my own shit to deal with. And she's offered that we can stay at hers to save costs when coming to Holland, but that's a no - because she will drink and the girls can't handle it. Nor can I, really.

She has been reported, but because she only nips to the shop and back (to buy alcohol) she never gets caught. And they can't exactly do a stakeout on a little old lady who thinks she's above the law, there isn't the resource. But my Dsis is going over next week and is going to either sell the car on the day or nick all the keys and take them back with her.

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