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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So this is it then...

452 replies

pointythings · 28/10/2017 20:45

So my DH is an alcoholic. I gave him an ultimatum in July - the drink or his family. He chose to go into rehab. Two weeks ago he finished treatment.

Tonight I came home after a night away with DDs to ComicCon and he was slurring, showing all the signs. So I snooped. Yep, empty bottle of spirits hidden in his backpack.

I confronted him and the first thing he said was 'can we not do this in front of the girls. Oh how the alcoholics like their secrecy. No, H, the girls need to know - they are 14 and 16 and they have been part of all the conversations.

So now my marriage is over. Shit. I am not backing down. This is it, done, finished. No more chances, he's had plenty. I still feel like shit.

OP posts:
Jux · 05/01/2018 01:09

You are doing remarkably well, pointy. xx

Original poster
pointythings · 05/01/2018 09:03

We have many plans for the gaps, Jux. Grin In fact there is going to be major decluttering done over the next few months. DDs and I are drawing up redecorating plans already.

OP posts:
dumbolickous · 05/01/2018 10:04

Positivity. That's what I like to see.! Well done op. You're inspirational!

MrsMozart · 05/01/2018 17:52

Love a good plan!

Original poster
pointythings · 05/01/2018 18:31

And I'm going to have a moan now.

I am tired. I started being really, really tired yesterday after STBXH told me about his moving date and was so reasonable about everything. It's as if the ending of the tension has let loose something I've been holding back and that something was what was keeping me going.

Last night I went to bed at 9.30 and I think it's going to be even earlier tonight. And I have so much to do! Can't this fatigue just fuck off and come back after I've moved his stuff out?

Moan over.

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 05/01/2018 19:32

There'll be good days and not so good days lass. Hold on to the good ones and they'll get you through the bad ones.

Original poster
pointythings · 05/01/2018 20:04

MrsM I know you are a relatively new voice on this thread, but your blunt kind common sense is most welcome. Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
pointythings · 07/01/2018 14:19

We're packing STBXHs things this weekend - and have realised that we both have too many books and DVDs.

Met up with him earlier today and it was good. He's still sober, his back pain is easing (because yeah, alcohol aggravates inflammation and is therefore bad for arthritis) and he is being totally decent about absolutely everything. He's also talking to friends and colleagues now,which is good for him. No doubt he will relapse again, but it does feel as if last week's events were the boot in the arse he needed.

Yesterday we bought lovely new crockery and cleared out space for it in the kitchen cupboard. It's lovely to feel we are making the house ours.

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 07/01/2018 18:27

Rooting for you lass. Lovely that you're making things your own.

22esmeweatherwax · 10/01/2018 17:07

Cheering from the sidelines for you Pointy. Well done, be proud of yourself and your girls.

Original poster
pointythings · 10/01/2018 18:46

Well, we're still here. Handling stuff brought back a lot of bad memories for DD2 so she is excused from the last few bits and pieces, which we will be doing this weekend. But she's coming out of it and we had group yesterday, which always helps.

Had a callback from the police DV person who is happy that I am not at risk of letting him back in (understatement) but has told me I can call them at any time on a range of numbers in case anything goes pearshaped.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 10/01/2018 22:39

Looks like things are going well, pointy, or as well as possible in the circumstances. I'm absolutely positive that things will improve in the not too distant future. Keep going and stay strong.

Original poster
pointythings · 12/01/2018 17:10

And fuck it, the washing machine has died - it's 8 years old and leaking. Just ordered a new one. Come on, life - go pick on someone else now.

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 12/01/2018 20:47

The new one will be grand and see you right for many years to come Smile

Original poster
pointythings · 12/01/2018 21:07

I know, MrsM. I knew ours was on its last legs. It was a basic one and it has done more than well. The one we're getting is pretty basic too but gets decent reviews. The timing is just annoying, both DDs have birthdays in the next two weeks. But they are being very mature about not getting a lot of presents or parties and H is getting them Amazon vouchers - he was never tight with money so he will see them right.

Thanks for handing me a grip. Flowers

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 12/01/2018 21:13

It's always the way of it lass. I swear they know. One of the cars has just given up the ghost. It only had to keep going for another five, maybe six months, but no, it's chosen today to turn up its newish wellies, just at the worst timing point for all sorts of annoying reasons. Ah well. Your girls sound brill Smile

Original poster
pointythings · 13/01/2018 08:41

I just did a quick inventory in my head and all my other major appliances are pretty tickety-boo. Car is on a PCP with warranty on everything. So it had to be the washing machine. I hope you get your car situation sorted. Life just loves to throw you this stuff.

But today I'm off to Cambridge with DD1 to see an exhibition and do a tiny bit of birthday shopping and then tomorrow it's last of the packing up H's stuff ready for the move on Monday.

Next week is going to be insane: Move on Monday, dentist and support group on Tuesday, individual counselling for the girls on Wednesday, having old sofas picked up Thursday, new sofa and washing machine being delivered on Saturday, which is also DD1's 17th birthday. Fortunately she wants a Sainsbury's forest fruits cheesecake for a birthday cake so no baking required.

OP posts:
boo2410 · 14/01/2018 19:59

Good luck for tomorrow pointy, hope it all goes as well as it can. I've read your whole thread, I think you're incredibly strong. You and the girls will be just fine. Although it's very sad, the relief of having a stress free home will be immense. FlowersFlowers

Original poster
pointythings · 15/01/2018 15:55

Well, the move is done - all his stuff cleared from the bedroom, his memorabilia gone, clothes, books, DVDs, lots of stuff. We have a few things stored in the shed temporarily out of sight but that's it. It feels better.

He's doing well in himself as well, which is a relief - no drinking, no cravings. He is being seen weekly by a behavioural psychologist who is also chasing up mental health and alcohol support referrals for him. The flat is nice, I'd be happy to live in it if I were a single person. So it's as good as it can be. I am physically knackered though.

Fresh start for everyone, now we just need to wait for the mills of the divorce courts to grind their way to a conclusion. Meanwhile DDs and I can start mending, redoing the house and rebuilding. Bit of a landmark day, really.

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 15/01/2018 16:12

Well done lass.

A chilled evening is on the cards. Be kind to yourself.

Shhhhhh2018 · 15/01/2018 19:24

Sounds like the start of something really lovely for you and your DDs 💖

Cambionome · 15/01/2018 21:02

Well done pointy - so glad to hear that things are looking good. Smile

boo2410 · 15/01/2018 22:11

So glad it all went well pointy, here's to the next part of yours and your DD's life. You've come a long way, now it's time to relax a bit and enjoy life. All the very best to you all. Flowers

lolitsok · 15/01/2018 22:46

Op you are truly amazing, your lovely daughters are lucky to have such a string mum, good luck to you all Flowers

Original poster
pointythings · 20/01/2018 10:21

So it's been a totally peaceful week. Am seeing H tomorrow to sort out some more stuff with him and for him to get birthday presents for the DDs. Today our new sofa is being delivered. I donated the old ones to St Nicholas Hospice because they did such a fab job with bereavement support for DD2 and so we have been sitting on folding chairs since Thursday. New washing machine is also coming today so we will all soon have clean pants again. Right now I am the only one up, which is typical with teenagers.

OP posts: