So this is it then...

[pointythings]

So my DH is an alcoholic. I gave him an ultimatum in July - the drink or his family. He chose to go into rehab. Two weeks ago he finished treatment.

Tonight I came home after a night away with DDs to ComicCon and he was slurring, showing all the signs. So I snooped. Yep, empty bottle of spirits hidden in his backpack.

I confronted him and the first thing he said was 'can we not do this in front of the girls. Oh how the alcoholics like their secrecy. No, H, the girls need to know - they are 14 and 16 and they have been part of all the conversations.

So now my marriage is over. Shit. I am not backing down. This is it, done, finished. No more chances, he's had plenty. I still feel like shit.

So the mail I dropped off at his is the divorce paperwork he needs to sign. Cue a text saying 'are you sure you want to through with this'. I was polite and did not text back abso-blinking-lutely.

And DD1 texted him to thank him for the goodies from base that he bought and now he has texted her three times with a load of self pity. She says if he does not stop I need to tell him to stop. He is back in AA and in therapy but still does not see that rebuilding contact with his kids takes patience and time. Sigh.

He is unable to think beyond himself, is he? My xh was the same. It is good that dd is firmly rejecting that she should be his emotional support in your absence. That boundary must be kept firm.

It’s awful when all you want is for them to get it together before they destroy their relationship with the dcs forever, and all they do is make things worse.

Congratulations on divorce progress. It is a wonderful feeling when you finally get to the end point.

His new therapist said he needs to accept that he may never reconnect with the DDs. Apparently she told him a lot of unvarnished truths that he found hard to hear. But he says he will see her again, which I suppose is something. Meanwhile I am adamant that he will not use his children as a crutch.

And now the shit has hit the fan because he doesn't agree with the wording of the grounds for the divorce (unreasonable behaviour). I have blocked him on my phone, emailed him explaining that the wording is blunt because the judge needs to think 'this doesn't need to come to court' and that it isn't a personal attack, but he is so thin-skinned. I suspect he may dive into a bottle tonight - we will see what he comes back with and when.

It's still always about him...

Well done for blocking on phone. You need to step back now. He will take offence at anything he can.

I remember thinking that I didn’t mind him not being on my side anymore, but I wish he could at least be on the dc’s side. Nope all him. Distant and detached. It’s all you can do now.

Agreed. I want him to realise that if he contests this and takes it to court, the only winners will be the lawyers, and that he will permanently destroy any chance of a relationship with his kids. But I haven't mentioned any of that in my email, he has to work it out for himself. Distant and detached is the way forward.

So I still haven't heard back from him. But unless he decides to defend or launch a divorce petition of his own (and he won't, he's too passive for that), I can go the 'deemed service' route - because he has sent me a text saying he received the papers and then this other text saying that he can't agree with what's in them. So he has shot himself in the foot because I have evidence he has received the papers. And because I am petitioning on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, his agreement is not actually needed.

So I am going to sit tight. As a good friend of mine pointed out, there are silver linings - for the period while we are still married, I still have access to base facilities, including the cheap fuel.

I'm feeling a lot of contempt for him right now. DDs are not impressed either.

However, we have booked flights to go to our cousin's wedding in Italy this summer and we are planning outfit shopping too. Meanwhile DDs have another snow day tomorrow and I have been instructed to work from home, which means I get a lie in. Life is still good.

You are sounding so positive still.
Summer hols will be something to look forward to and focus on.
I'm WFH today as well under strict instructions from the boss.
Keep strong and keep going.

I have to be positive, hellsbells. Anything else is just going to make me feel worse and achieve nothing.

He'll either get over it or not. He can't stop the divorce, but he can go back on the consent order if he doesn't sign - so then there will be a fight because if he backs out of the agreement we worked out, I will go for selling the house and half his assets and maintenance.

However, I suspect he won't, because he knows that selling the house means uprooting the kids. And he can't let go of the idea that he is a 'good father' so he is likely to do the right thing and then act the martyr about it.

We shall see.

Hi pointy I just discovered your thread.
What an amazing mum you are and your girls are so lucky to have you.

It seems your stbxh is still in his selfish hole thinking it’s all about him and can’t understand how he cannot manipulate you any more.

Hi Op, just wanted to add to those saying you are so strong and keep going. You are most definitely doing the right thing.

My first H was an alcoholic (one or two big bottles of cider a night) and a nightly weed smoker. I was young and thought he would change but he never did. Didn't even try. When we did split, he was much and such the same as your ex, self pitying, trying to use the children and so forth. These days I have stopped him seeing the children because of his treatment of them and they have flourished since, though they still occasionally miss him as kids do.

My current DH is a recovering alcoholic. Crazy huh, get rid of one addict and take on another. The difference being I knew my DH for years and I believed he had it in him to quit. He is 7 months dry and on Antabuse which in his words, is another deterrent. He lost his mum to alcoholism last year and that was his rock bottom. He really wanted to stop for him and that's what matters. He is also a good man, there isn't a violent bone in his body, he is incapable of even shouting. He treats me like a queen and all my dc adore him.

Your ex has made no attempt to stop despite losing his wife and children. The desire is not there and your life would have continued being miserable. I'm so pleased you and the children are out of that situation now.

and to both of you - honestly, this thread has been another lifeline for me.

Colly please convey my admiration to your DH. Overcoming addiction is hard and he is really giving it everything. You must be so proud.

It's a shame my STBXH hasn't found his strength, but it's all water under the bridge now. Life with my DDs is so good. They don't miss him, because they are older and have too many memories of what he was like in full-blown addiction. They don't want to risk going back to that, and instead are focusing on their own recovery. They know they are at increased risk of alcohol addiction themselves because of him, and are proactive at prevention. They're wonderful.

Late to the thread but having read it all, I need to say that you have been so strong and an inspiration to your DD's. You have handled it brilliantly.

Your DD's sound absolutely wonderful OP you must be so proud! They sound very switched on and yes they are quite right to look after themselves. I am aware my DH will always be an alcoholic, wether recovering or relapsing, your DD's are doing the correct thing not risking having to go through more relapses.

Colly I know addicts in recovery. They always refer to themselves as 'recovering alcoholic/drug user/whatever' because they know it is a process. Your DH will be like this too. I wish my H could have come to that point, but he hasn't.

On a happier note, we all have another snow day tomorrow! Manager has said do what we can from home but not to fret if we run out and just have a relaxed day.

Aaargh after a quiet week with little contact from STBXH except for a drunk text about how all he wanted was his girls and he might as well leave if he didn't have them (after which I blocke him again), things have really kicked off with my mum. She drove again, despite having no license, and had a fall getting out of the car. Neighbours have now had enough and are arranging (with me and DSis) to have her car taken away for sale. They have her keys and spare keys, car will be taken tomorrow.

So now we are in (Dutch equivalent) of Court of Protection territory. My mum will not help herself, will not go into a home or sheltered accommodation, will not stop drinking, lies about her drinking. Neighbour saw 6-7 bottles of spirits lined up in the downstairs corridor and commented. DM said they were for my Dsis when she comes over. Dsis does not drink - she hates it and is on medication that stops her drinking anyway. And when I called her and asked, she lied and said it was only a couple of bottles.

So Dsis is going over to discuss taking measures to take over DM's financials and legals. We will have to arrange to have someone in Holland paid to manage it - we feel this is worth it. Neither of us needs any inheritance, we want my mum's money spent on keeping her safe.

But the stress... In addition she is being called by scam salesmen. So I have put her on the Dutch version of the Telephone Preference service. Which I can do because I have access to her email account.

I want it to just stop now.

DM's car keys are in the hands of the police now. And on a happier note, DD2 let me know they will be clowning geraniums in biology and she is calling hers Leonore.

Cloning! !! Not clowning!

Excellent news about the keys. This all feels like the final throes of a terrible time. You are doing so well

I really hope so. The one thing I am worried about it the length of no contact from him - a week since his last drunk text. His cousin has been trying to get hold of him (has his mobile number) but no response. And he's quite capable of drinking himself to death - he was well on the way back in November when I took him to the ER.

But it's not for me to initiate. He has to make his own choices. So I'm not going to call his work and ask if he's been in, that would be intrusive. His cousin might, though.

My ‘dad’ was an alcoholic and a nasty POS to go with it. The best thing my mum ever did was kick him out. You haven’t given up even though it may feel like it...you are just finally putting yourself and your kids first. It’s going to be hard and will take a lot of strength and tears to see it through but it’s for the best (flowers)

Well, finally some news courtesy of H's lovely cousin. He called her this morning. He has lost his job due to non attendance and not calling in sick. Is going for another job today, part time. I hope he gets it. He is off the drink for now and still in therapy and AA. I have unblocked him and texted him because I have his savings bonds at home and he will need them. Have suggested meeting on neutral ground to hand over. So no tax free fuel for this girl anymore and no base shopping but that's the least of it - we will cope. I hope this really is his rock bottom.

I hope it's his rock bottom too OP. Alcoholism is just horrendous and destroys so many lives including their own 😞 one day, if he gets properly sober, it will really sink in what he has lost as a result of drink and that's heartbreaking.

My own DH is now 7 months sober thanks to Antabuse. I always worry what would happen if he couldn't take it anymore though. He is at a trial for a job today and even that worries me though I'm pleased he is starting a sober career for the first time in his life.

It's no way to live really OP is it? Always wondering if that was the smell of a beer you just got, or what you might find in a cupboard etc.

Although you can in no way take responsibility for his alcohol abuse and he is no longer your concern, when you do go to meet him, I wonder how you would feel about suggesting Antabuse to him? It's far too late for you both but in terms of him being your dc father, it can't hurt just to mention it, if you wanted to.

I hope you have a good day today

Thanks, Colly. He has so much work to do. He gets his healthcare on base so it depends on what they will prescribe. His main issue is that he has to stop thinking of himself as a passive victim. That's a huge change to make and he has to do it himself. If I get involved I will just be enabling him again. I hope he will turn things around now but am not hopeful. He says his main issue is not seeing his girls, but he has things to prove before they will see him. He fucked up contact by text once and that is how it has to start. It will be months before even DD1 might see him and DD2 is even more reluctant.

Oh dear pointythings, so much foolishness on his part.

I'm sorry he's lost his job thus losing you the benefits of the base, but it is what it is, and maybe it's another step in your separation from him?