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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So this is it then...

452 replies

pointythings · 28/10/2017 20:45

So my DH is an alcoholic. I gave him an ultimatum in July - the drink or his family. He chose to go into rehab. Two weeks ago he finished treatment.

Tonight I came home after a night away with DDs to ComicCon and he was slurring, showing all the signs. So I snooped. Yep, empty bottle of spirits hidden in his backpack.

I confronted him and the first thing he said was 'can we not do this in front of the girls. Oh how the alcoholics like their secrecy. No, H, the girls need to know - they are 14 and 16 and they have been part of all the conversations.

So now my marriage is over. Shit. I am not backing down. This is it, done, finished. No more chances, he's had plenty. I still feel like shit.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 20/01/2018 18:07

It must be so nice to have an ordinary, peaceful week after everything that you've been through pointy.
Here's to many more. Brew

Original poster
pointythings · 25/01/2018 16:24

I am so organised... Council tax sorted, telephone transferred, economies made. I found a nest egg that I didn't know I had so financially we are a lot better than expected. I just have to claim Child Benefit now (wasn't eligible for complicated reasons) and Child Tax Credits (always been eligible just never claimed) and life will be pretty good.

STBXH is still doing well though he still hasn't unpacked most of his stuff. But that's his lookout - as long as I eventually get my bags back. To be honest I think of him less as time goes on. It's peaceful.

OP posts:
22esmeweatherwax · 25/01/2018 17:12

So glad to hear that life is peaceful. Enjoy you peace with your girls.

Enigma78 · 25/01/2018 20:27

You sound calm, composed and organised!
Your DD's have an amazing mum Flowers

Tiredmum100 · 25/01/2018 20:57

Your girls are old enough to understand what's going on but I'd try and keep them out of it as much as you can. I have a functional alcoholic father who I love very much. Over the years my mum (parents are still together) has told me he "doesn't love you" etc. And it's been awful. Despite his faults I care about him deeply and I know he loves me, my sister and mum. It's just horrible being in the position to take sides. I really hope he can get back on the wagon.

Original poster
pointythings · 26/01/2018 07:46

I have been scrupulous about not alienating them from him. Thing is they have seen his behaviour - have you read the full thread? - and they draw their own conclusions. They accept that they will likely want a relationship with him in future but only if he is long term sober.

OP posts:
Original poster
pointythings · 31/01/2018 12:19

Someone give me a slap! I saw stbxh last Saturday to bring him some paperwork and... crumpled cider tin on the counter. I need to stop giving a flying fuck, his circus. But he expects me not to tell DDs. He is such a knobhead addict! Of course I am going to tell them! They do not want contact if he drinks. That is their right. I will not be his flying monkey. He has to choose: his kids or the booze, end of. I still can't get my head round anyone being so hooked that they would put their kids last.

OP posts:
Armygirl · 31/01/2018 15:08

Hi pointy, I’ve read through your posts from the beginning and just wanted to wish you well. I left my alcoholic partner and father of my 3 children 6 years ago when my youngest was just 5 months old. Not an easy process but I’ve never regretted it. And he’s still drinking.
I wish you all the very best

ChefsFloozie · 31/01/2018 15:30

I don't have any sage advice just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and your girls and hopefully someone more helpful than me will be along soon

Original poster
pointythings · 02/02/2018 21:42

And today I dropped off the DVD player he had ordered delivered, the absolute last thing I am doing for him, and he came down and reeked of booze. My DDs know now. We have decided as a group to leave the ball entirely in his court. He knows what he has to do if he wants a relationship with his kids. He's just not ready to do it. And the three of us are fine together.

It is a sad waste of someone who used to be a really good guy.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 02/02/2018 21:58

So sorry he wasn’t able to pull it together for his girls.

You three make a good team and sounds like you will get each other through it.

He will need to do it himself and you have done all you can.

Flowers
Josuk · 02/02/2018 22:01

OP - sadly, I don’t think there is much hope for him.
It’s a very tough illness to beat and takes a very strong person. Which, most people in that situation, are not.

I say that as a daughter of an alcoholic, that struggled with addiction for years, and ended up dying in late middle age - hit by a car when drunk.

OnTheRise · 02/02/2018 22:46

Pointy, you've been wonderful. Absolutely incredible. It's not your fault he can't be who he should be.

Your girls are so lucky to have you.

Original poster
pointythings · 03/02/2018 12:54

Josuk I think you are right. I had a long conversation with the DDs last night and our collective goal is going to be to detach and let him go. He is an adult making his own choices. We are already living separate lives, just the divorce process to get through.

STBXH is 57. His health is shot already. He knows the risks, he's choosing to take them. And he isn't a strong person - he used to be, but for the longest time now I have been the strong one. And being the strong one is a hell of a lot easier now it's just me and the girls.

OP posts:
FYC · 03/02/2018 18:46

Oh pointy (Chris here!) what an idiot he is. At least you know for sure that he is not ready to be sober yet. It must be so hard to disengage, but you must.

You and the girls will be fine. It is up to him to decide whether he can sustain a relationship with them or not. Fingers crossed he hits rock bottom soon and gets his life together.

As always you have been awesome. You have held it all together and you must want a year off to recover! I hope you and your dds have loads of fun stuff planned for sometime soon. You all need a bit of spoiling.

Flowers
Original poster
pointythings · 03/02/2018 19:09

I recognised you, Chris! Grin

I'm going to work consciously on detaching. Thus far I have been feeling that I 'owe' it to him and the girls to somehow facilitate a relationship, because he has been so decent about everything but the drinking, but I no longer feel like that. He has to take the initiative. He knows what he needs to do, his choice, his responsibility.

And yes, I do want time off from him now. I'm looking forward to half term - sorting out the move for DD1 to one of the big bedrooms (used to be his), including redecorating. Going to see Black Panther. And I've found a nest egg I didn't know I had which will pay for 3 or 4 holidays for me and the girls, nothing posh but time away somewhere nice. Part of me feels guilty that we are going to have a good life together and he most likely is not, but I will work to get over that.

Just to get rid of the flu now - DD2 is recovering from it, DD1 is in full flu mode. I haven't got it, long live working for the NHS and free flu jabs.

OP posts:
FYC · 03/02/2018 20:16

You saw through my cunning disguise?! ShockGrin

It’ll take time, but you will get there. Facilitating just means being open to contact happening when he’s sober. That’s it. You are not responsible for chasing it or arranging things.

Your duty is to be honest and fair, and try to do the best for your dds. Which you are doing. I’m so glad you have found that nest egg and can arrange a proper break. That is some well deserved “good thing happening to good people”.

I had the flu earlier this month. Nearly 10 days of fever. Wish I had got the flu jab! Hope you are all well soon.

It gets easier. It really does. But for now keep moving forward (even if it’s very slowly). You are doing amazingly.

Original poster
pointythings · 04/02/2018 17:04

DD2 has shaken off the flu in 4 days but still has residual fatigue. DD1 is at the stage where she feels hungry (because she has not eaten for 2 days) but also nauseated, which means she should start to feel better tomorrow. I've told her no school yet, it's too soon. I have done a shitload of laundry, made wheat-free cookies and soothing lentil soup and put together 4 little flatpack side tables which now sit there looking great in our living room.

A week to go until half term - it feels like forever, I need a break.

OP posts:
FYC · 05/02/2018 06:22

Glad to hear they’re on the mend. Not surprised you need a break. We’ve got two weeks to half term. Seems like forever. Good job on the tables. Lovely to hear that you are reclaiming your space

Original poster
pointythings · 08/02/2018 12:03

Text from stbxh's line manager confirming he is drinking again and is off work. I texted back that I could not get involved. This just put the nail in the coffin of the 'What it's. In a way this has done me a favour.

OP posts:
kittykat798 · 08/02/2018 14:13

Alcoholism is a disease. It is horrific. It wrecks havoc on families.
However, in my opinion, I wouldn't give up on marriage because of it. Maybe live separately until he gets the help he needs. I'd never consider it a case of choosing the alcohol over you, it's an illness, it's not that easy to control and giving up is painful.

I know he's had years and for safety i'd live separately, but i'd also be by his side if he asks for it. it's horrific to see what comes of alocholics without the right support system. My opinion on it changed so much after watching the Louis Theroux documentary on it, you should give it a watch.

HappyintheHills · 08/02/2018 16:22

It’s also entirely possible that Pointy has done as much as she can for him and is needed by her DC. Enough is enough.

Original poster
pointythings · 08/02/2018 16:26

Nope, Kitty. I've been doing this for 6.5 years. He has had so many chances. It has affected our DDs to the point where DD2 has borderline PTSD. At what point would you say the partner of an alcoholic is allowed to put themselves and any children first? After 5 years? 10? Never? Marriage over everything else, always, because hey, it's a disease and they can't help it?

He had the right support systems for years and did not use them. Does an alcoholic never have to take responsibility for what they do?

I hope you aren't dispensing this awful advice to other people. It goes against everything I have been told by professionals in the field, for starters.

I can't wait for the divorce to come through. Your opinion means nothing to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
pointythings · 08/02/2018 16:26

Happy, thank you. Flowers

OP posts:
ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 08/02/2018 17:28

@kittykat798

Bwahaha! Pointy should watch a documentary?! WTAF should she? She and her daughters having been LIVING WITH IT for years.

Shame on you. Why even bother commenting on this post? Did it make you feel better about yourself?

Jesus wept!

Rage on OPs behalf