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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH wants Holiday extension i dont help AIBU???

135 replies

Curtains77 · 27/10/2017 07:51

We are waiting to go to breakfast on out last morning in Spain. Weather and hotel lush . Husband woke up this morning saying he wants to pay around 600 quid and stay till tomorrow night. To be clear - That means cancelling our flights at 1pm , extending our hotel booking and flying home to a different airport 2hours away from where our car is . So aibu to not want to ?

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 28/10/2017 10:44

So he had a big payout and doesn't think he has to do anything while he lolls around for a few months? If we came back from a holiday and my DH pissed off to the gym and pub while I unpacked, cleaned the house, fed and sorted the kids, etc all on my own, he wouldn't be allowed back in the house!

Why are you the maid and nanny?!?!

Original poster
Curtains77 · 28/10/2017 21:48

Hi sorry for delay ! I know it sounds shit but it is the roles we have fallen into. He does do his fair share around the house but is an active regular at our local which is at the bottom of our road . It has been his place where he goes to reflect and relax. Therefore , I also get a break . I am aware I sound flaky. I am just getting by however I can at moment . X

OP posts:
Mix56 · 29/10/2017 08:01

Surely, as he is redundant, he could have sorted out the laundry this week?. As he says, “seize the moment” & finish you book...
spontaniety is another excuse for being irresponsible

Original poster
Curtains77 · 29/10/2017 13:31

Thanks mix x yes am inclined to agree . Things are so rarely black and white - i post about the holiday argument as I feel I sort of need a quick reality aibu check and it ends up causing me to really look at things again. He has been to pub til early hours again last night , Is feeling shit today and now does not want to me to take youngest ds to a bitthday party at 4 because he wants us all to spend a but of quality time together indoors. D'S is 4 and has struggled to settle in to school so this is an important first party for him and again it's about changing plans last minute. I think he is selfcentref but has a way of twisting it round so I feel mean about taking him to the party. GrrAngry

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 29/10/2017 13:37

Tell the self centered idiot that he's had all day to spend time as a family. He prioritised going out and getting drunk over that and that you're taking your child to this very important for your child first birthday party. There's no ambiguity here op.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 29/10/2017 13:44

Thank u x I need that - he just called me a spiteful c@#t for telling him that he should have perhaps not gone to the pub 2 nights running. This is normal I always feel confused that perhaps I am being unteasonable. Have shut myself in the loo to reply to u thank u for your calm voice. Feeling very sad and confused.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 29/10/2017 13:50

Bear in mind that if the constant chopping and changing and no fixed plans makes you anxious, it could do the same to the children. As well as being a terrible lesson in commitments and boundaries. Parents are the North Star, the fixed point children have in their lives. Flighty, disorganized parents with a lack of commitment make children feel insecure.

And calling you a cunt? Hats awful.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/10/2017 13:50

That’s!

WitchDancer · 29/10/2017 13:53

Seriously? He called you a cunt. The man who is supposed to be your best friend, partner, your love? If my DH did that he wouldn't see me for dust!

Lancelottie · 29/10/2017 13:55

Oh god, I remember double-decker man. As I recall, he had no actual plan for buying, maintaining or even getting qualified to drive the double deckers, did he?

If he's over the age of, say, 19, he has some serious catching up to do on adulting.

Trafalgarxxx · 29/10/2017 13:58

I agree. If he wanted to spend time with his family, he shouldn't have spent some much time at the pub.

My answer would have been that
1- you have already answered yes to the b'day boy and it would be rude not to turn up just because
2- it's important for your DC to go to said b'day party so you are putting his (your ds) own needs first
3- if he wants to plan some time as a family, then he needs to think about it before hand and plan accordingly. You would be delighted to do something together the following weekend. What does he propose??

Tbh his 'spontaneity' sounds like a buzz word to 'I want everything my way, regardless of whether it's also good for the rest of the family'
I would out a stop to it. It's not manageable with two dcs who have friends and activities. And it's not fair in you either. What if you have exuded in a very spontaneous way this am, when he was feeling rough, to go away for the morning and go to do some very active activity (let's say GO Ape) juste cause it would be nice to spend time together, would he have pprecuated it? I doubt it.

Trafalgarxxx · 29/10/2017 14:01

And no YANBU in any shape or form.
Calling you name like his is just not acceptable.
And so is putting you on the edge or expecting you to do whatever he wants regardless of whether it works for you or for the dcs.

Please don't think there is anything wrong with you there. Because it is all about him and his twatiness.

KickAssAngel · 29/10/2017 14:06

I remember your last thread. He isn't just wanting to be spontaneous, he's a complete bell end who just does what he wants and expects everyone to run their lives around him.

Here's spontaneous: it's unexpectedly sunny here today. I'm going to get everyone outside having a walk and kicking the leaves around. What was going to be for lunch will be for dinner, and homework will get done after lunch. It still works for everyone and if there's a good reason not to do this I will listen to people.

Here's being a bell end: I tell everyone we're going out, at an unspecified time that suits me and stops DD going to her party later today. Laundry won't get done. I won't cook any food. I'll be a complete bitch to anyone who doesn't do what I want.

He sounds like he has the emotional maturity of a 5 year old, "waah, mummy won't let me eat cake all day, waah. Bad mummy"

Did he get fired for being a dickhead, by any chance?

MyOtherProfile · 29/10/2017 14:06

Definitely take ds to the party. He's had plenty of chance to do family stuff, lile during the holiday you're just back from.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 29/10/2017 14:55

How bizarre - he needed to nurse his hangover in the morning, so now keen to spoil his DC afternoon but stopping him from going to the party. And the cunt comments itself warrants a LTB.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 29/10/2017 15:01

Your brilliant posts gave me a bit of clarity and I did tell him he was out of order and it was all unacceptable. After getting more cross and sayibg h4 wants a divorce (!) He has since calmed down and apologised and said he did not mean iy anf was just cross because the party is 4-6 and he did not agree with me that it was so improtant.
Thank you so much for replying everyone - it sort of gave me the language and bolstered me to say it too. Thank you xxx Flowers

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 29/10/2017 15:13

he did not agree with me that it was so important.

Well, it wasn't all about him so it wouldn't be important would it?

After getting more cross and saying he wants a divorce (!) He has since calmed down and apologised
Because he knows that you might take him up on the offer. Which you should. Today. Tell him he is right as always, and just do it. He is sucking the lifeblood out of you and your family.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 29/10/2017 15:24

Mrs Terry - yes I agree with u but I seem to have lost sight of that basic parenting skill . I need to be a more steady point for them - and witchdancer- it is fairly normal when he is really really cross to use that and I don't find it as offensive as I used to I think x lance - that s the one ! Trafalgar - I used your points in the end as I completely agree bit we have very different views on manners. I suspect he feels the world revolves around him more than a bit so when redundancy was discussed his bosses would not have looked so kindly at his frequent bouts of sick leave and persistently bad timekeeping compared to his colleagues I think .

OP posts:
MadMags · 29/10/2017 15:25

I can't for the life of me figure out why you're with him.

Cricrichan · 29/10/2017 15:27

Yes he's apologised because he doesn't want his cushy life ending.

I hope you end it with him op. You deserve so much more.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 29/10/2017 15:30

That was in relation to what kickass said. Beautifully put regarding the difference between being a bell end and being spontaneous! There is a constant inconsistency thread on his personality I think. And alternative thank you you make good points - I think I am building up to it. I just get more and more detached from out marriage but want so much more for me and the children . Ie normality. I realise how much worse my anxiety is and how I am not the parent I ever thought o would be , and that makes me sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 29/10/2017 15:32

Mags - It's ok - right now not can i .Hmm and cric thank you x I have got to dash to get to this party. Thanks all will check in later xx MN is my lifeline once again xx Flowers

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 29/10/2017 15:33

I realise how much worse my anxiety is and how I am not the parent I ever thought o would be , and that makes me sad

I think what is sad is that you are wasting time being an anxious parent when it is blatantly obvious if you get rid of the twat you laughingly call 'husband' your anxiety and issues will disappear overnight.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 29/10/2017 15:39

Yes to a certain extent that would probably be true but we would still have to bring children up together . Which, i suspect, requires adult communication and navigation. So yoi see my apprehension at that prospect?

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 29/10/2017 16:31

Yes to a certain extent that would probably be true but we would still have to bring children up together . Which, i suspect, requires adult communication and navigation.

Well, it is your choice to make. But if you are contemplating leaving at some point, why wait? You were on a make or break holiday, that didn't go well and has ended with him spending two nights in the pub and telling you a party your child wants to go to is not important.

Some parent huh?