Is he OTT or am I too much of a loner??

[Skyrabbit]

Crap thread title, sorry!

think I know what I need to do, but need a bit of hand holding.

My emotions are very confused, so apologies if this post is confusing too!

I've been with my bf for nearly a year now. He's very full on, and initially so was I.
Something changed, after he moved in without asking, (long story) and it eventually took 3 months for him to find somewhere else. Even though he's now moved out, I feel differently about him. I feel that he abused my passiveness to move in because it suited him.
Everything he does is 'for us' - the job he has is to bring money in 'for us', any of his future plans are 'for us', the place he lives in now is only until 'we' can be together - like he's treading water. I want him to have his own life, not one that's dependant on me.

I'm very confused really. He's a very intense full on guy, but he would also do anything for me, and is very kind and loving. He wants to be with me all the time, although he wouldn't stop me going out, but I'm a loner and love my own space. For example, he sits RIGHT next to me on the sofa and wants to hold hands, which gives me the rage, and I think that's irrational of me!
I don't want to throw something away that is actually decent because my walls are up too far, and I can't accept someone wanting to be with me this much, but on the other hand I don't know if I can cope with the full on nature of it. I guess I'm overwhelmed and I think that's clouding my judgment on this.

Arrgh. I just don't know what to do.
This is more of a stream of consciousness than a wwyd!

Take care with someone who won’t take no for an answer. Because he doesn’t, does he? He’s still trying to keep you or drag you back into a relationship somehow.

Refusing to hear ‘no’ isn’t the sign of a nice but troubled guy, it’s a simple indicator of someone trying to control you. Same with idealising you and the relationship, refusing to give you time alone or time with friends (and getting ‘shirty’ if you want to), same with telling you how you feel instead of listening to you. You have in fact given a list of red flags: there would be trouble ahead if you relented. It’s time to get tough.

Seriously, tell him not to contact you anymore and just block him. The minute he gets arsey go to the police.

This is an old story and he'll continue to harass you until he gets a clear message!

OP you are frustrating and it seems to me that you are in a way giving him
hope of a reconciliation.

You moan that he is still contacting him but you are still replying to some of his messages and won’t block him.

Just block him and leave alone.

Hmm after reading the responses after mine I think maybe you are all right and I am wrong. Just block him OP.

Enough is enough, op.

You're not helping him by staying in touch, isn't that obvious to you? It's just giving him hope. It's actually meaner than closing the door completely.

Just stop.

I wouldn’t block him or stop replying completely, as that might induce a barrage of ‘why have you blocked me?’ texts
If you block people, you don't get any more texts from them. That is the point.

Reply to approx 40% of texts
If you continue to write to him every day, he will continue to bother you. He'll think he still has a chance of changing your mind or reminding you how loving he is.

If you think he is a great guy, then surely what you want is for him to let go, move on and start a new relationship. You can help him do that by not responding to him in any way. It is the kindest thing to do.

I think replying to him is making the situation worse, not stringing him along, but maybe giving him a glimmer of hope where there is none (so glad there is none, he sounds suffocating).

The expression "cruel to be kind" comes to mind. You need to cut all contact, but tell him you are going to and why, before you do so. Be honest with him.

OP his behaviour is worrying and showing typical patterns of escalation.

Please ensure the people around you know of this harassment and perhaps inform the police so there is a written record of your concerns.

You think that you’re being kind, maintaining low level contact, but you’re really not.

It’s not your job to be kind to him, but since that’s your motivation here, it needs pointing out. Every time you respond to him, every time you read his messages, you are giving him hope that you will change your mind.

If you want to keep him hanging on, then carry on as you are. If you want to actually help him move on, then send him one last message saying “This contact is doing neither of us any good. I don’t want you to have any false hope so after sending this, I am blocking you. I really hope you find someone more compatible” and block before he can respond.

Yes he is entitled and annoying and his feelings are not your responsibility, but what you are doing is not “kind” it’s avoiding conflict.

Time to step away. If he carries on contacting you then I would tell him that you will be speaking to the police about his harassment if he continues.

You have choices here. Make them.

One last text to say you don’t want to be with him and you want him to stop contacting you and that from now you’ll be blocking him.

this guy is a narcisisst, only their kind would would use the term ignored and discarded.
Its how they work, lovebomb, abuse ignore then discard. the last two are the words he used not you, so what does that tell you.

you need to get as far away as possible and tell yourself you missed a bullet on this one.

Blimey, didn't expect to get so many responses!
I know I'm frustrating, and it frustrates the hell out of me too. In reality, I know I need to block him, and stop being gentle. I also need to grow a backbone (overriding urge to apologise to you lot for being so unassertive 🙄)

He yet again wants me to go round with a couple of random things of his, that are really not important. I'm going to tell him that I won't (he also owes me a small amount of money, so I'm miffed that I'm dancing to his tune, taking his stuff back - a bloody hat! while he still owes me money) and tell him to stop contacting me.

You deserve need to block this man after one last message telling him that if he carries on harassing you you will call the police.

You've told him to stop contacting you. Tell him that he can get his stuff from the local charity shop if he is fast enough, and that you are now blocking him.

Let the police know? What? You'll be looked at with confusion then sent packing! Nothing he's done seems dangerous in the slightest. You don't go 'letting police know' that your ex who's upset over a recent break up is still texting you 'goodnight' and 'good morning' when a) you haven't blocked him and b) you reinforce it by replying and c) you haven't categorically told him to stop contacting you.

He sounds like your typical broken hearted person trying desperately to see if there's hope. If there isn't you need to stop contacting him. It's more cruel in the long run to stay in touch!

Write off the money. Post the rest of his belongings.

Unless you secretly enjoy his obsessive pursuit of you ?

"Stalking
Stalking involves:

repeated attempts by someone to make unwanted contact with you 
contact which is making you feel distressed or restricts your freedom.

Stalking behaviour might appear innocent at first, but if it keeps happening, it could mean something more sinister.

Unwanted contact can include telephone calls, letters, emails, text messages, and messages on social networking sites, graffiti or sending or leaving gifts."

www.kent.police.uk/advice/bullying-harassment-and-stalking/

anyfucker
2nd that, write off the money, post his belongings.

or you will in in his web for a long time.

I think your kindness is actually being cruel to both of you. If you’d actually told him clearly then blocked him when you first realised you didn’t want a relationship you’d both be recovered and moving on. You’re as bad as each other. He thinks that by tap tap tapping at you you’ll change your mind because you don’t use clear language and signals and you give him hope (that’s cruel not kind - can you see that now?). You think that by saying “I don’t want you in my life” in any way other than directly is kind and letting him down gently - it’s not - it’s dangling the carrot of a life with you because he’s not equipped to hear what you’re saying.

You need to change your mindset. He’ll be fine. He’s clearly moved on before and he’ll do so again. I also suspect he’s more scared of being alone than he is into you so keep that in mind when you wobble. This isn’t about your fabulousness. It’s about his inadequacies and fears.

Send him the note below then block him. Do not put anything soppy about what a great time you had or what a great guy he is and don’t put kisses at the end. Then go cold turkey.

“Dear [name]

I’m sorry but I don’t think you have heard what I’ve been trying to say over the last few months. I was trying to be kind by letting you down gently but I realise that this has been cruel to both us. We should be healing and moving on but instead my lack of clear communication and your refusal to accept what I’m saying has come to this. Please hear, understand and accept this. I do not want you in my life. I do not want a relationship with you. I will now block your number as it is the only way that we will both start to move forward separately. Goodbye”

Youre not doing him any favours by keeping on replying occasionally tbh. Its just giving him hope and not allowing him to move on. You made your decision, now stop stringing it out

Stop replying, post his stuff back and write off the money

Write off the money. Post the rest of his belongings.

^^ This

I too wonder if you’re secretly enjoying his obsession with you. He can’t move on until you cut him out.

Send him a final message saying you want nothing more to do with him. You can’t stay ‘friends’ because that blurs the boundaries.

I’ve lost sympathy reading the rest of the thread since I last replied. You need to block him.

I think you should be thinking along the lines of most of the poster here now.

You need to get away from this guy, no contact and blocking is the most
powerful tool in your armoury so use it.

how can you see the true when you are in a web and adding to the fuel

Seriously not enjoying this one bit. I genuinely just feel sorry for him, but I get that it's not for me to fix that.
Ignore, ignore, ignore. And block.