Is he OTT or am I too much of a loner??

[Skyrabbit]

Crap thread title, sorry!

think I know what I need to do, but need a bit of hand holding.

My emotions are very confused, so apologies if this post is confusing too!

I've been with my bf for nearly a year now. He's very full on, and initially so was I.
Something changed, after he moved in without asking, (long story) and it eventually took 3 months for him to find somewhere else. Even though he's now moved out, I feel differently about him. I feel that he abused my passiveness to move in because it suited him.
Everything he does is 'for us' - the job he has is to bring money in 'for us', any of his future plans are 'for us', the place he lives in now is only until 'we' can be together - like he's treading water. I want him to have his own life, not one that's dependant on me.

I'm very confused really. He's a very intense full on guy, but he would also do anything for me, and is very kind and loving. He wants to be with me all the time, although he wouldn't stop me going out, but I'm a loner and love my own space. For example, he sits RIGHT next to me on the sofa and wants to hold hands, which gives me the rage, and I think that's irrational of me!
I don't want to throw something away that is actually decent because my walls are up too far, and I can't accept someone wanting to be with me this much, but on the other hand I don't know if I can cope with the full on nature of it. I guess I'm overwhelmed and I think that's clouding my judgment on this.

Arrgh. I just don't know what to do.
This is more of a stream of consciousness than a wwyd!

Taking the whole thing at face value for now and assuming this is a genuinely nice guy: the thing is, you're not throwing away a good thing if it isn't a good thing for you. If you've got vastly different ideas of what a good relationship looks like (loads of space vs welded together) there is unlikely to be a level you are both comfortable with, because you both have to move such a long way to meet in the middle. It may be better to let this one go as gently as possible. Give him a chance to find him a woman who loves to be petted and coddled. (It won't be me. I need elbow room.)

Well,having had a chat about me feeling engulfed and pressured, the upshot is that he says he isn’t pressurising me, so that’s that
Chat went round and round - me saying I felt pressurised and him saying he wasn’t,so I’m not
He keeps saying he needs me to talk to him, so he can ‘get this relationship right’. Sounds to me like he’ll do anything not to be alone, which isn’t exactly appealing!
Urgh. I think I want to be an old lady with lots of cats. Simpler than this relationship stuff!!

Ugh no, just no.

Especially after your last chat. He's not even listening to you is he? He's just telling you what's happening, what he thinks, and completely disregarding your opinion- that in itself a red flag.

Clingyness/over investment like this is a huge, massive, great red waving banner to me now, I'd run a mile!

He sounds a lot like my ex. Who, like Pp's exes, started off by being really, really intense and "romantic". I bought into to it too.
He'd follow everywhere round the house, sit with me in the bathroom, go everywhere with me, want to be involved in every friend chat and outing, was totally over involved really quickly with my family (who all thought he was too much btw!).

Wanting to be with me all the time became guilt tripping when I went out without him, then it became controlling, then it became hugely, horribly, physically abusive when I wouldn't do exactly what he wanted.

Men like this see you as a type of property to be "won" then held on to by any means necessary. They don't see you as a seperate person, just an extension of themselves, and become abusive and controlling when you show signs of having different thoughts/opinions/wants to them.

They need you to need them IYSWIM?

Please just ditch him.
And be very, very wary of the "sweep you off your feet" type.

My current DP of 8 years is almost the xact opposite of my ex.
He's never going to shower me with presents, or flowers, or declare mad undyng love.
But he will let me live my own life, do my own thing and just sits there quietly like a strong balnket ready for me.

We are conditioned by media to believe this kind of movie style over romantic gestures are what makes a relationship- when in reality, like in Love Actually- the obssessive romantic is actually in the cold light of day a creepy stalker, with no boundaries.

Sounds very familiar. He wants you talk to him more about how your feeling, so he can tell you that you are imagining things and that you are wrong/he is right?

I'm happily single with my cat and dog, it's so much easier

He is OTT.

I couldn’t stand a cling-on. I dated one guy who said he’d take up my hobby too so we could do it together, totally missing the point that I do my hobby to be on my own!

My husband though has the same views as me, we like our space, we love each other unconditionally but we don’t need to occupy the same square inch of the planet 24/7.

He was dismissive of everything you said.
He wants to "get this relationship right" is about his relationship and really has very little to do with you, iyswim. You are a prop; might as well be a cardboard cutout. You, as an independent, individual person, are invisible to him.

Step away. This minimizing of you will destroy your sense of self, and is very unhealthy for your mental health. That kind of damage takes years to recover. You are only a year in, a good time frame to declare this won't go the distance and step away.

Oh Lordy - he too wants to take up a hobby with me (I want to go to Pilates and he wants to come too, and also wants to join my tatty but lovely gym ) - which means I just won’t do the hobby at all - I wanted to do it for me, not as a

Andtheband- you’re right, I think he has idealised this relationship, and he ‘knows’ it’s forever (and got snippy when I said I hoped it did, when the right answer was of course it is), and it feels all irrespective of who I actually am.**

Hi, updating this thread as I could do with a handhold please. I ended the relationship last week, by blowing my top and saying that he never gave me any space, and that I wanted my house and life back.
Unsurprisingly he hasn't taken it well, and I finally agreed/got badgered into giving him a week to show me he can give me space.
The week is up tonight, and he's coming round to 'talk'. In my head, this is it, and the relationship is over.
I'm shit at being talked round, to make other people happy though.
Argh. He's a lovely bloke, just too full on for me.
Any tips on how to handle 'the talk'??

In your position I'd arrange for a friend or family member to come round about 20 minutes after him. This will concentrate your mind and stop him from taking over (it might also piss him off enough to get the message). You might have to use the broken record on him: it's not working, we're not right for each other.

Stay strong.

Tell him not to come round as you haven't missed him and prefer being on your own. (Maybe you can make it sound a bit kinder as I tend to be too blunt!). You really don't have to put up with him and you know he isn't going to change.

Just keep repeating 'this is it the relationship is over' to whatever he says.

You don't have to see him at all y'know...

Well if it's over it's over.

I would question though whether his needy/clingyness is a permanent state or whether a reaction to you.

What I mean by that is it does sometimes happen that you have two people who have different attachment needs who can change in context.

John is Anxious-Preoccupied (craves intimacy; terrified of rejection)
Jane is Fearful- Avoidant (would theoretically like intimacy but scared of it and pushes people away)

In early stages, John will be super clingy fearing rejection and really needing to know Jane will not reject them. The clingy is looking for evidence of that.

Jane is overwhelmed with the clingy and pushes John away as John's craving for intimacy is terrifying. This can make John panic and become more clingy.

However, if John and Jane can get past this stage. John becomes more relaxed as the relationship becomes more secure and he feels safe. This means he is more relaxed and less clingy. He knows Jane will not be dumping him. This then makes Jane more open to intimacy with John because he's less clingy.

It maybe that for you its just not worth it as you are too far apart - but I would have a look at attachment styles as you sound like you are on the avoidant end of the spectrum. None of this is normal/abnormal - it's just how people are.

I would just end it now on the phone and say, I have had time to think and it really is over.

Text him and just tell him not to come over. There's nothing to talk about as its not working for you. But don't let him in your home!

Don't let him come round. Arrange to meet at a public place instead. Say it's over. Don't let him talk at you, if you must, just give him half an hour (without telling him that) in which you allow him to say whatever while not actively listening. Finish up conversation firmly, with "It's just not working for me and I don't want to try anymore" and go.

Alternatively, have someone come over, to interrupt.

You don't owe him more time or chances. You don't owe him yourself. You're allowed to end it.

Agree with the posters who say don’t let him come round.....absolutely not. Meet off site if you have to or just ring him and say the week’s been good for you and confirmed that you don’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore.

You don't need to see him.

Stop letting him think he has a chance, it's cruel.

Message him saying "I've changed my mind, I don't want you coming round. Please don't. It's over between us."
Then block him,
And ensure that you are not alone tonight.

Seriously, do not invite more drama into this. Don't see him.

In the nicest possible way, this is how women end up getting murdered by their ex partners. If you absolutely insist in extending the drama as much as possible by seeing him tonight, then for the love of God, do not let him into your home. Meet him in a public place, let him talk for 20 mins, don't listen, and then say it's over and leave. Preferably with someone nearby waiting for you, to escort you home.

Thanks everyone for your input (have been at parents evening so haven't been able to reply - it's a fun packed evening for me!)
I'm not worried about my safety - I am more worried that I'll give in to be 'nice' It's a not particularly good trait of mine, giving in to make other people happy. Ironic when my job is arguing all day. Can't translate that into my personal life!
PinkTiger - you have it on the nail - the more needy he became, the more I stepped back, making him more needy. Horrible cycle really. I need to end it for both our sakes.

I hope you were brave enough to tell him to not bother coming round. He needs to just accept your decision and leave you alone. He will keep trying to get you to talk to him , dont even get involved, just totally ignore him. Stay with him another year or two and I can pretty much guarantee he will be controlling your life. Do you have friends and family you can busy yourself with Incase he turns out to be unhinged. I wonder what they back story with all the previous people was. Wonder if they are sighing a huge sigh of relief that he moved on to someone else?

I am more worried that I'll give in to be 'nice'

That's why having a plan to break up the 'chat' or not having it at all is the best way forward.

My preferred option - cancel seeing him, just tell him there's no point, your mind is made up.
2nd - see him somewhere public, have timescale in mind and leave when that time is up.
3rd - have someone pop round and interrupt.

You don’t have to let him into your home. If you don’t want him there cancel before he sets off. It sounds to me like you’re in for a night of pleading. Sounds awful. You’ve every right to tell him not to come round

He seems pretty normal to me but there is a big range within normal and it seems like you are at one end while he is at the other. I really don't think that you are suited.