Is he OTT or am I too much of a loner??

[Skyrabbit]

Crap thread title, sorry!

think I know what I need to do, but need a bit of hand holding.

My emotions are very confused, so apologies if this post is confusing too!

I've been with my bf for nearly a year now. He's very full on, and initially so was I.
Something changed, after he moved in without asking, (long story) and it eventually took 3 months for him to find somewhere else. Even though he's now moved out, I feel differently about him. I feel that he abused my passiveness to move in because it suited him.
Everything he does is 'for us' - the job he has is to bring money in 'for us', any of his future plans are 'for us', the place he lives in now is only until 'we' can be together - like he's treading water. I want him to have his own life, not one that's dependant on me.

I'm very confused really. He's a very intense full on guy, but he would also do anything for me, and is very kind and loving. He wants to be with me all the time, although he wouldn't stop me going out, but I'm a loner and love my own space. For example, he sits RIGHT next to me on the sofa and wants to hold hands, which gives me the rage, and I think that's irrational of me!
I don't want to throw something away that is actually decent because my walls are up too far, and I can't accept someone wanting to be with me this much, but on the other hand I don't know if I can cope with the full on nature of it. I guess I'm overwhelmed and I think that's clouding my judgment on this.

Arrgh. I just don't know what to do.
This is more of a stream of consciousness than a wwyd!

Lana and LoveMusic have it. Red flags all over. Listen to your instincts, it will only get worse.
From the beginning I was going to write he will show his true colours when you try to end it. And he has - still trying to control you, refusing to let you go.
And I am worried for your safety since he seems the possessive type. The time around when you try to end it is the most dangerous time because he sees he is losing control over you and wants to regain it.
If you must, meet in a public place. Do not let him in your home.

Oh ffs. I'm so passive it's untrue. Im still technically in this relationship. I don't want to be. Why can't I summon up the balls to just end it?? Wtf is wrong with me???

I don't know. But you need to pull yourself together here.

Or at this point, admit defeat and get a friend to text him for you and then switch off all communication with him and have an evening out with said friend.

Yes, really.

Then delete and block him. Life is too short for this shit.

He sounds like hard work OP... you'll be so relieved when it's all over...

You can do it!

End it, no meeting needed.

Honestly I like a fair bit of contact, physically and when apart but he sounds far far too much.

I also agree with pp please be careful men like this can get nasty when you end things. I strongly suggest doing it by text/phone but if you feel you have to do it face to face meet in a public place. No conversation is needed though, he isn't right for you, you don't want to take it any further. Stand firm.

Thank you.
Well I've done it. There was much crying and begging. He's ringing later but I am resolute. I feel like such a bitch.

You don't have to talk to him later.

What exactly is the phone call supposed to be about?

Just had the call. Basically to say we should have a break, not a break up.

Tell him No No No RIGHT NOW - you have been unhappy and troubled by this for ages - it is NOT going to get better. STOP letting him railroad you. His actions are predicable and confirm what your gut has been telling you.

TEXT and BLOCK

OP, this is making you miserable! And it’s not fair on him either to drag it out. Tell him that you want to break up, not take a break. Say you’re just not in the right place for a relationship with anyone and need to be single right now.

I don't get why you are engaging now OP? He is still trying to 'suffocate' you, and call the shots. Twisting your "I'm breaking up with you" to his "we're having a break".

I had this relationship. He pursued me at the beginning till I gave in and I spent THREE YEARS ending it then giving into promises and suicide threats. After a couple of months of trying to be “just friends” he was texting me twenty times a day and sobbing into voicemail because I wasn’t replying.

Please, for the sake of your sanity, block him and change your locks. You don’t have to continue a relationship you don’t want.

Break UP. Break UP. Break UP.

I had one of these a long time ago and ended up calling off an engagement. After approximately 50000 letters and texts/calls, he finally fucked off. It was extremely the right thing to do.

DITCH HIM NOW

I didn't agree to a break - hooray! After 5 mins of him saying he thought a break was the best thing, I just said I can't, and hung up. Not my finest moment, but at least I didn't give in!

I rather suspect that after a period of recovery you will think that that was your finest moment.

Well done OP!

That's a good start.

Don't take any more calls from him or agree to meet to talk it over. Think of it this way: it's for his own sake as well as yours - it's no good for him to be obsessing about staying with someone who doesn't want to be with him. You're doing him no favours by letting it drag on. It's deeply dysfunctional of him to try to make someone be with him.

I bet you feel better already - what a load of your mind. Get those barriers up high - make sure all your family / friends know the situation. I would expect some tantrums / harassment - be prepared for that.

Completely agree with another, I don't think he'll go away easily but don't give in.

I think you should be proud of hanging up. This guy sounds very controlling and not at all normal--your "walls" were definitely your instinct saying that you needed to protect yourself from him.

Yes, tell your friends and family. Yes, expect him to keep bugging you and keep pleading and begging (maybe alternating with abusing you and calling you names and telling you how much you've hurt him). Keep reminding yourself that he is poison and should be avoided forever!

Well done! I wish I had done this with mine 10 years ago.

It was a great moment OP! What a relief!

Thank you - I feel oddly proud that I'm sticking to my guns, but also so guilty that he's so devastated.
Less so when he texts every morning still, and rings every night 😐. He's getting a combination of grey rock and broken record. I don't think he's disappearing any time soon.

OP you are doing really well. Stay strong. Don’t reward his manipulative behaviour by giving him any indication that you might be wavering!

You're doing well. Don't falter.

You can block him. Maybe in a couple of days, if it goes on, if you're not ready yet.