Is he OTT or am I too much of a loner??

[Skyrabbit]

Crap thread title, sorry!

think I know what I need to do, but need a bit of hand holding.

My emotions are very confused, so apologies if this post is confusing too!

I've been with my bf for nearly a year now. He's very full on, and initially so was I.
Something changed, after he moved in without asking, (long story) and it eventually took 3 months for him to find somewhere else. Even though he's now moved out, I feel differently about him. I feel that he abused my passiveness to move in because it suited him.
Everything he does is 'for us' - the job he has is to bring money in 'for us', any of his future plans are 'for us', the place he lives in now is only until 'we' can be together - like he's treading water. I want him to have his own life, not one that's dependant on me.

I'm very confused really. He's a very intense full on guy, but he would also do anything for me, and is very kind and loving. He wants to be with me all the time, although he wouldn't stop me going out, but I'm a loner and love my own space. For example, he sits RIGHT next to me on the sofa and wants to hold hands, which gives me the rage, and I think that's irrational of me!
I don't want to throw something away that is actually decent because my walls are up too far, and I can't accept someone wanting to be with me this much, but on the other hand I don't know if I can cope with the full on nature of it. I guess I'm overwhelmed and I think that's clouding my judgment on this.

Arrgh. I just don't know what to do.
This is more of a stream of consciousness than a wwyd!

Urgh I think it's turning. Having ignored his usual call last night, I got a text this morning saying he is ignored and discarded. I've replied basically to say isn't that the way these things go? He's not accepting that. I know this is killing him, and he's devastated. I feel very callous.

What's devastating him is that you have feelings.

He wants you. Therefore he should have you. It doesn't matter one fig to him what you want. It doesn't matter that dating him will make you unhappy.

That's not love. That's possession. You should be getting more angry with every message not more guilty.

but also so guilty that he's so devastated.

Yes that is the point of all the sobbing and anguish.

I got a text this morning saying he is ignored and discarded.

'That is a shame. However only you are responsible for your actions. Our relationship is over so perhaps it is time you started to deal with it. From my perspective you were too needy and clingy, not allowing me space. And this is just reinforcing that I made the right choice as all this is far too needy and clingy. I have nothing else to say so stop trying to bait me by texting all the time. Please do not contact me again. I will be blocking you after I send this'.

Every time he gets a response from you, he knows you read his message and thought about him. It will give him a little jolt of excitement.

He will be spending hours thinking about what message to send you next. As far as he's concerned it is still a negotiation not a done deal because you are still present at the negotiating table listening to what he says.

If you genuinely want him to get over you as fast as possible then block him.

Respond to that last message again saying that remaining in contact seems to be giving him the impression that there is hope but there isn't. Don't contact me again. I will be blocking your messages.

OP, just remember, no one has the right to be in a relationship with anyone else. You can finish a relationship at any time and for any reason you like.

Codlet has hit the nail on the head.

He is very entitled, these men always are. You don't want to take this forward any decent man would respect this. He doesn't care what you want, he thinks he can emotionally blackmail you into being with him.

You need to block him to put an end to this.

Why do you feel callous? Couples break up all the time - it's part of adult life. We're sad for a while and then we move on and are happy again.

Would you expect a friend to stay in a relationship just because the other person wants it? Wouldn't you support them to leave it? So why do you deserve less? Why are you falling into this trap of considering his feelings more important than yours?

I guess I just feel for him - he's gutted and it's not a nice feeling to have made someone feel like that, irrespective of whether it's right or not. He's at heart, a decent bloke who did some stupid things which did for our relationship in the end. I'm still not going back though!

You've done the right thing. It's clear from all your posts that not only was he very clinging but also you just didn't like him enough. Just stick to your guns 'I'm not right for you, bit you're a great guy and the right girl will be very lucky' is a good line I think.

But he doesn't have the right to be in a relationship with you! You can end things at any time for any reason. Tough.

His reaction to feeling gutted in entirely inappropriate though. He is trying to bully you into loving him.

You really should block him for both your sakes.

I know this is killing him, and he's devastated.

I'm very sorry, SkyRabbit but i think that he just knows you well enough to use the best chance he has to get you back under his control.. I agree with everyone else posting that you need to be kind t yourself, just block him and focus your energy on , maybe something that would help you better spot people who will take advantage of your kind and decent nature. All the best.

Fgs just block him. Its a bit creepy that he wont leave you alone.

Please stop engaging with him!

I posted back in October about how my abusive ex started...
He was hideously nasty but as soon as we broke up he was calling, texting, telling everyone how I was killing him, how awful it was for him.

Not once did he acknowledge that it was HIS OWN BEHAVIOUR that had broken us up.

Its a tactic to make you feel as shit as possible.
Men like this dont feel proper feelings.
The reason why he is "so upset" is because he's losing control, to be blunt, he's angry that you are not his possession anymore, and he will do anything, say anything, to regain control.

The trick is to not care about his feelings.
He has demonstrated over and over that he has zero respect or care for your feelings. He showed this when he refused to listen to you.

YOU OWE HIM NOTHING.

Block, delete, ignore, move on.

He is trying to 'hoover' you. Google it.

Don't engage with him. You said no. Sad but it's a full sentence!

Again, thank you - better day today - he's texted a few times, but no phone calls. He's not a bad guy
, honestly. He's just too OTT for me, and I miss who I want him to be. But he isn't, and he will find someone who loves the adoration and attention.
I'm staying single till I can figure out why I end up rescuing guys!

I'm staying single till I can figure out why I end up rescuing guys!

Good plan, stay strong, learning about yourself cane. Painful in the shorter term, but absolutely worth it. All the very best.

Hi, sorry for resurrecting this, but he's driving me insane!
He still texts every day - a morning one, a good night one, and others in between. I've just had a 'drive carefully it's icey' one.
I don't reply every time, and I'm trying hard not to block him, because I know he's finding this incredibly difficult, but I just want some bloody peace!
I've tried saying I need space, but his reply is 'don't shut me out' - eh?? We've split up, isn't that the point??
Any tips, gentle ones??

Oh Skyrabbit, I feel for you, I really do. I’ve just read all of the thread and it’s so similar to something I went through. You sound like a genuinely lovely person, it’s clear you are concerned for his emotional welfare but it’s time to take care of your own emotional welfare now. He will never give up while he has a small glimmer of hope. I’ll try to be gentle here with two suggestions, I know I sound wacky but they really helped me.

1. Use a bit of visualisation, think hard about where you want to be in ten years time, try to picture what you will be doing and what sort of life you will be living. Then think about what advice you would give yourself if you could go back 10 years. You will probably find your future self would tell you to block him and move on. (This is what I did, I blocked him and now 6 years on I live with my lovely partner who gives me all the space I need and want no questions asked)

1. Imagine what you are going through is happening to your best friend, what would you advise them to do if they came to you because they were being harassed by someone they were trying to break it off with. Be honest with yourself about what you would say, brutally honest.

You cannot be responsible for his emotions or feelings. You’ve made it clear you no longer want to be in the relationship. Think carefully about blocking him, it might be your only option to move on. You might find that when you block him he still tries to get in touch (just going by what you’ve said) and this is when it gets serious and you may need to contact the police. What he is doing to you is not acceptable, you deserve to move on xx

You won't block him because he is finding this difficult? Sounds to me like you are finding this pretty difficult. What is he doing about that? Nothing; instead he is ignoring your pleas to leave you alone. Clearly does not give a shit about your feelings. Block him.

I wouldn’t block him or stop replying completely, as that might induce a barrage of ‘why have you blocked me?’ texts.

Reply to approx 40% of texts. Use brief texts (one word if possible) and don’t initiate ever. Eg for the ‘it's icy’ one, just reply ‘ok’.

He will meet someone else to annoy and smother soon!

You haven't learned a thing, have you ?

"Gentle" isn't cutting it.

Send him a text to say you have moved on and don't want any further contact with him and he leaves you no choice but to block him. Then actually block him. You have tried to let him down gently and it isn't working. Repeatedly....over and over.

I’m not sure about that, I’ve read that with stalking type behaviour if you reply to one message in 100 that just gives the message that they need to text 100 times to get a reply so they keep doing it.

I really think it’s time to block him now. You’ve been very considerate but it’s clearly upsetting you now, and why should his feelings trump yours?

It’s a New year, move on into 2018 without this millstone round your neck.

You could send one last message saying you think it’s better for both of you to start the new year with a clean slate therefore are blocking him as you’ve split up and wish him all the best but will not be responding anymore.

Or something similar but less garbled!

‘That’ was to codlets post btw