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Original poster

Is your OH a gent?

146 replies

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 21/10/2017 13:23

I've just noticed as I've gotten older that I really appreciate and notice a man opening a door for me, or generally being gentlemanly. My OH is not a gent at all. He would nearly barge in front of me in a cafe. When we were younger I thought this was great that he thought women were so equal and could hold their own.(go to the bar the exact same amount of times etc) but now I find it ill mannered.

DS is 7 and I am bringing him up to be a gent as I don't want him to be like his Dad. Just wondering what other people thought.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 22/10/2017 08:37

It's interesting, actually. I think that sometimes different situations call for different behaviour. On a day to day basis, nice, considerate behavior should not be remotely dependent on sex. You help anyone with heavy bags, if you get to the door first you hold it open and so on. But it's still sometimes useful to know how men and women are expected to behave at very formal events, for example. If you know what the expectations are, you can decide whether or not to conform to them. If you don't know then you can be at a disadvantage. So I have made sure my children know the old fashioned "etiquette-y" rules. They may never need them- but if they do, they are there in their memory ready to use!

Ragnarhairybretches · 22/10/2017 10:15

Holding my coat for me, going to the bar etc I would find patronising and would not want it at all. In fact I'd see it as a bit slimey because to me those behaviours are gender based and unequal. However who ever gets to the door first, holding it open, sharing the bag carrying, making the other a drink when you do etc is just goodmanners.

MorrisZapp · 22/10/2017 10:24

I'll tell you about a real gentleman. I arrived in London once, heavily pregnant and with a suitcase. I'm a very strong and capable person but the journey had been a nightmare, and I now found myself at the bottom of a flight of steps.

I took a moment to compose myself and before I knew it, a man had lifted my suitcase, smiled at me and hopped, Hobbit like, up the steps with it. He glanced back with another smile then was gone, leaving my case waiting for me.

It was Martin Freeman.

Whinesalot · 22/10/2017 10:30

I think our relationship is mutually respectful and polite - how it should be.

Hermonie2016 · 22/10/2017 10:53

Just another side to this.I was taken in by stbxh, he had excellent manners, a real gent with door openings and please & thank yous but he is incapable of compassion or kindness.
Judge someone by how they treat people in general..good manners can be subjective.

honeylulu · 22/10/2017 18:20

Mine is well mannered and considerate but to people in general, regardless of which genitalia they have.

I know some men, not particularly old either who insist on holding doors for women etc and it makes me cringe a bit.
I don't want to be treated like a delicate flower. I want to be an equal and, thus, treated as one.
There are some exceptions. For example I gladly accepted seats on tube/ train offered when I was pregnant. (Women tended to offer more than men just as a point of interest). And i agree with bertrandrussell that there are some points of etiquette that it's worth knowing/ following if you're likely to find yourself in formal settings for work, weddings etc even if you dislike etiquette personally.
But I do not expect my husband to carry all the bags, always go to the bar. I'm an independent woman and I can do my share! I would feel patronized and babified by a man who insisted on doing all that.

I can even use a drill myself FFS!

Ellisandra · 22/10/2017 18:27

My fiancé is well mannered, courteous and kind.

He would not pull a chair out for me, because that's just fucking weird.

Ellisandra · 22/10/2017 18:31

See, Morris's suitcase experience would piss me off.
I had a man try to wrestle mine off me recently - I actually thought I was being mugged for a split second! I said "thanks that's kind but I'm OK" and he still tried to take it. So I found him bad mannered.

Then last week I was managing a really heavy box into my car at Ikea. I couldn't lift it, but am well practised in lining the car up with the flat bollard and pivoting and shuffling. A man said "OK to offer to give you hand with that love?" (I'm in an area where love is said to everyone). Yes I beamed - that would be really kind of you. Now he had good manners.

IfNot · 22/10/2017 18:34

My partner always tries to carry all the bags. I tell him I'm strong as an ox and how the Hell do you think i coped before you came along?!
The first time we went out for dinner and I got up to use the loo, he stood up. I said " are you going too?" He says he can't help himself, it's the way he was brought up. So now, when we are out and he gets up to use the loo, I stand up too. I'm very gentlewomanly Wink

DaisyRaine90 · 22/10/2017 18:39

He swears like a trooper but always holds the door for me (and everyone else).

My ex once made me carry my own heavy food shopping whilst his hands were empty and that was the beginning of the end 😂

Manners don’t cost a thing 😊

user1492877024 · 22/10/2017 18:55

NorthandSouth98374 Sat 21-Oct-17 18:37:11
2017 and women still want men to go to the bar and walk on the outside of the pavement? Jesus Christ.

Exactly. Sexist pigs more like. My god, there really isn't any hope.

user1492877024 · 22/10/2017 18:58

Shodan. What makes you think that you're more capable than most when it comes to defending yourself?

GoingRogue · 22/10/2017 19:30

Nope Sad I think he was when we first dated, but nearly 10 years on and he definitely doesn't have nice manners when we are out.

For example, in a posh hotel when we are dressed up for the evening (rare) he will stride on ahead down the corridor instead of walking with me. Then he'll press the lift button and get in the lift before me, leaving me jogging along in heels out of puff.

He would never dream of offering to carry heavy bags; I always have to ask if I'm struggling. He made zero allowance when I was heavily pregnant to do things like lift heavy black sacks into the wheelie bins or bring the heavy vacuum upstairs for me.

But it's the striding along ahead of me when we're out for family walks that pissed me off the most. I've told him many times but he never changes.

I sometimes wonder why I'm with him Sad

GoingRogue · 22/10/2017 19:30

Nope Sad I think he was when we first dated, but nearly 10 years on and he definitely doesn't have nice manners when we are out.

For example, in a posh hotel when we are dressed up for the evening (rare) he will stride on ahead down the corridor instead of walking with me. Then he'll press the lift button and get in the lift before me, leaving me jogging along in heels out of puff.

He would never dream of offering to carry heavy bags; I always have to ask if I'm struggling. He made zero allowance when I was heavily pregnant to do things like lift heavy black sacks into the wheelie bins or bring the heavy vacuum upstairs for me.

But it's the striding along ahead of me when we're out for family walks that pissed me off the most. I've told him many times but he never changes.

I sometimes wonder why I'm with him Sad

Shayelle · 22/10/2017 19:36

I am 100% holding out to meet a gent. They are worth waiting for Smile

Shayelle · 22/10/2017 19:36

I am 100% holding out to meet a gent. They are worth waiting for Smile

Shayelle · 22/10/2017 19:37

*GoingRogue - he sounds absolutely awful Flowers

Yeeeha · 22/10/2017 19:46

I would class myself as a gentleman, and still open doors, offer to carry things etc etc for MUm, wife, daughter, woman I know.

Strangers? Don’t bother any more. Too many grumpy feminists giving it the “are you suggesting I can’t manage” “I can manage a door thanks” etc etc to be arsed.

Still hold doors for other men because it’s just polite but honestly the shit you get from some woman for trying to be nice really means I can’t be arsed anymore.

Shame really

corythatwas · 22/10/2017 19:50

Dh is a nice person. Which is enough really.

Lonecatwithkitten · 22/10/2017 20:12

DP used to work for a Royal Family and treats everyone without exception like royalty. Yes he is a gent, this took him from a very lowly household position to a senior advisory position. Good manners cost you nothing and can take you a very long way.

sabrinathemiddleagedwitch1 · 22/10/2017 20:17

When I think about it my dh is a bit of a gent if that's the right word. He defiantly has good manners. But no one could beat my grandad. Even though my nan drove him insane he never said but you could just tell he had her on a pedestal. Never heard that man swear in front of a lady never told a rude joke, he was furious when someone did in front of my nan. Never saw him loose his temper or get drunk. No tell a lie he got drunk at my nans wake and that was really upsetting to witness. He was the loveliest kindest man I've ever met and it was a privilege to have him as my grandad. When he passed away everyone who new him could only say what a true gent he was. He also used to wear a hat and tip it to the ladies and say good morning / afternoon.

sabrinathemiddleagedwitch1 · 22/10/2017 20:20

@Lonecatwithkitten
I've been brought up on the saying good manners cost you nothing. I think I've got further in tricky situations with good manners than maybe knowledge if that makes sense

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh · 22/10/2017 20:24

Yeeeha

I don't believe for a second that people are rude to you because you hold the door open for them.

That's just good manners.

I'm a feminist but I suggested to my son that he offered to help a woman at a festival in the summer who was carrying a toddler and pullying a trolley full of kit. He did. She accepted and was very appreciative.

In just the same way as I've offered to help men and women who appeared to need an extra pair of hands when I've had one free. Sometimes it's accepted, sometimes not.

And just as when a man was being a bit inappropriate to me in the pub a few weeks ago and was ignoring my obvious rejections, another man just moved to stand in between us. He said nothing, but he provided a barrier that stopped it. I thanked him as I left the bar, he said I was welcome.

In fact, all but one of my female friends would describe ourselves as 'feminists' and all of us appreciate, and show, good manners and consideration.

So my experience tells me you're just trying to be controversial.

Cynara · 22/10/2017 20:27

I've managed to put a stop to DP jumping in front of me to open car doors and grab things out of my arms to carry them. We are colleagues, we do the same job on the same grade for the same pay. It's a physically demanding job and I never, wver play the "female card" at work. It hugely pissed me off when DP tried his "gent" performance on when we started dating and he knows not to do it now.
We treat each other with respect as equals. If something is genuinely too heavy for me, he will carry it, just as I will use my smaller hand and greater dexterity to reach into the car engine and tighten a nut when needed. We're a team of complementary parts. There is absolutely no need for theatrical "genting".

DaisyRaine90 · 22/10/2017 20:29

Shhhhhhhh
I know lots of women who behaved just how yeaha said. We have drifted apart for some reason 🙄
Some people are actually just looking to be offended unfortunately, and they give feminism a bad name 😔