DH is so negative

[FricketyFrick]

I'm not sure how much I can stand. He is negative about everything - work, the children, family members, friends, the news etc etc. I've got to the point now where I avoid being in the same room as it brings me down so much.

I'm quite a cheerful, optimistic person (although I have suffered MH problems) but I can't remember the last time DH and I laughed about anything. He's always had a pessimistic streak but over the years it has got worse and worse. So judgemental about people - words from this week include incompetent, useless, untrustworthy, stupid etc. Is he depressed or just a really horrible person? (Or both!?)

^ Agree, being sympathetic and understanding is the wrong strategy. Not giving a shit is the right strategy!

This is all so interesting - can't believe there are so many of us living like this! Thank you for sharing your experiences. I think there is a definite lack of empathy in DH's case, it comes across as finding everyone else very irritating and being unable to understand why anyone might do something he considers to be illogical. I am very empathetic (easily moved to tears by someone else's story) which probably drives him insane! I will do some more reading around the behaviours (thank you for the links) and try to have a conversation tonight.

I have tried both being über-jolly and completely ignoring him - both make me feel tense TBH - like I'm not allowed to feel the way I want to feel or express my thoughts honestly and openly. And YY to the no cuddling and affection unless sex is involved ! Makes me feel so used.

Are you me?!!!
Your DH sounds like my sister. She is an energy sucker. Awful.
My DH rather than negative (too quiet for that) is a joy killer. No excitement or interest on anything.
No affection, nothing is funny.
I am not sure he was always like this
Maybe he was and I was always cheering him up but I don't have the energy for that anymore. I dont!!

I just told him that I can't find tge strength to do it any longer as he is always f**^ miserable.

I think I would be happier on my own really, I wake up excited and he manages to kill this as the day goes on.

But we have a child and I have nowhere to go..

I am sorry to say this but this seems to be a common feature of many men - negative and gloomy and not open to trying new things or broadening one's view.

I am single and prefer it this way - I really don't want somebody trying to dampen my spirits the whole time!

I was accused of this by ExDH as part of his ‘I’m leaving you’ speech
Some years later, I realise the source of my general misery, and in fact all the aches, pains, chest pains, anxiety symptoms were in fact - thanks to him!
Don’t have any of these symptoms now, and it’s taken a while, but I don’t feel anything like as miserable now, in fact quite upbeat really.
Just saying, so you have the other side.

Hi Lost yes it might be me causing the problems. I know he finds it difficult to talk about things so maybe it's all building up. Maybe we just aren't very good for each other any more

I also find this thread very interesting Frickety, for lots of reasons. You sound such a super, intelligent, bright, loving woman, I hope you find a solution.

The close relative I am thinking of had a good childhood, no negativity or moany family, so I suspect for some people its congenital (is that the right word?). But I also think they can be "enabled". Whatever the reason at its most extreme its very draining and hard to live with, so I appreciated AllRightNow's feisty, humourous response! Incidentally, re. aspergers I saw a very positive review for BBC programme "Aspergers and Me" (in the Daily Mail today if you want to take a look) about naturalist Chris Packham. I will make sure I get round to watching it some time.

I think the recommendations further up the thread to notice at the end of the day the 5 good things that happened during it is a great reminder . It has also made me reflect that in many ways we live in a pretty negative society.

oops, cross-posted Frickety and just saw your ; like I said I hope you resolve this, I'm sure you'll find a way forward.

I’m sorry but he will not change. I don’t say this lightly but I’d be moving on.

From FricketyFrick
"Emotions are often dismissed as being 'silly' so I can't be honest about my feelings."
OP, a few weeks ago one of my adult dc was caught up in a terrorist situation, when I got the text that they were OK I cried with relief. 'D'H told me stop being silly.

Thank you PlipPlop that's really kind!

I don't know whether any of you have come across this app https://you-app.com/ I used it when I had my own MH issues and it's fantastic. Lots of micro-actions that you can do to help you feel more positive/become more productive etc. It's very visual and there's a supportive community as well (obviously not as lovely as all you Mumsnetters!). Because the actions are small you feel like you are making progress every day.

Slings that's awful

Whenever he sees a silver lining he looks for the cloud.

What is the story with the controlling behaviours?

I don't really want to talk about the controlling behaviour at the moment - that could be a whole thread on its own. Let's just say that the passive aggressive article was a bit of an eye-opener.

Just marking my place...you are not alone, OP.

to the poster that asked about how it affects the kids - for me, I knew my dad's fun sucking wasnt normal and my mum's 'make the best of it' wasn't normal. So I'm somewhere in the middle, my dad has made me appreciate life more because I can't see why you'd opt to exist in such a way? I'm very much a glass half full person, but also keen not to enable / false jollity as my mum has. I spend MUCH less time with them as it's simply awful, and moved a fair distance away asap.

If you met my dad in the street you'd think he was lovely. It's a definite form of control. I don't know what the answer is, I guess in some ways it's difficult being a daughter as I haven't known my dad when he and my mum met, when I assume he must have been nice / charming?

You could so easily be describing my XH. I LTB and my life has vastly improved since.

Apologies OP - wasn't my intention to put the boot in!

That’s ok, I didn’t take it like that I promise. He may well be unhappy in our marriage but if he won’t talk to me then I can’t sort it out.

It was so refreshing to read this thread as it's put a lot of things into perspective for me so thank you. My DH (recently ex) is just like this but convinces me that it's me who is dragging him down. I lie to him about such stupid things just so I can avoid a negative reaction. I try to think through every conversation before we have it so I know which way to steer it. I have to defend my DD, my friends, my family. Everyone he encounters is an idiot, dick-head, sexually interested in me, has an ulterior motive. It really is (was, thankfully) exhausting and almost made me think I was losing my marbles. Luckily other people observed it and spoke up once I chucked him out.

Well done wondering for having the strength to refuse to put up with it any more. Going back to where a PP asked about the effect on the children I spoke to my eldest DD and she said her Dad acted like it was always Monday morning! So they are definitely aware of it.

Zetas - you are truly a lovely wife and mum, well done.

I remember years ago my PIL took XH kids and I to The Lion King theatre show as a treat. I hate musicals but thought it was great kids too and XH was like yes it was good but this but that wasn't perfect. It was literally the first thing I loved about being single being able to enjoy stuff without his miserable fucking take on everything

Well now, I'm a pessimist. Always have been and always will be. It affects me in always expecting the worse. I never think negatively about people, in fact l only ever see the good. I have quite a benevolent outlook on life. I can be giddy and silly and laugh a lot. But I'm still a pessimist.

I don't think being a pessimist makes me controlling in anyway at all.

Hi Emoji I definitely don’t think pessimism is controlling. I think constant negativity and criticism, always seeing the worst in other people, sulking and refusing to engage is controlling. I think that goes way beyond pessimism.