DH is so negative

[FricketyFrick]

I'm not sure how much I can stand. He is negative about everything - work, the children, family members, friends, the news etc etc. I've got to the point now where I avoid being in the same room as it brings me down so much.

I'm quite a cheerful, optimistic person (although I have suffered MH problems) but I can't remember the last time DH and I laughed about anything. He's always had a pessimistic streak but over the years it has got worse and worse. So judgemental about people - words from this week include incompetent, useless, untrustworthy, stupid etc. Is he depressed or just a really horrible person? (Or both!?)

I have a similar DH. He has had some counselling, bit of CBT etc but always gets to a point then gives up. He says you can't change if you don't want to change or some such.
His big thing is his job. It overshadows our lives. Blame, blame blame. The evening I found out I got my Masters degree and got a distinction, another woman on the course texted me to say she was having a glass of bubbly with her husband to celebrate. I was sitting on the sofa listening to DH moan about his job and trying to talk him around so he wouldn't go in the next day in a big huff.
I was afraid to mention I got the distinction because he's straightaway think about himself. He'd say something like 'it's okay for you, you always had more brains than me' or something. Rather than, 'well done, I'm really pleased for you'. He can only relate things to himself really, and like how life has done him wrong sort of thing...
I end up playing down any small achievement I have in my life because I have to stop and think about how he'll take it. And if it'll make him more miserable then I'll have to feel guilty about it.

I have one too and have had enough it. Negative about everything, esp the children, never had anything good to say about them or to them.

The trouble with people like this is they force the other party to be a “foil”, I.e. having to be cheerful to counteract them?

I think they get a kick out of being “jollied along” and being the centre of attention and the other party trying to “cheer them up” and changing plans to suit them.

I’ve dated someone (and also had a friend) like this, and what struck me was on the few occasions I actually mentioned a (genuine) problem I had then they started minimising MY problem (I mean things like a serious illness that left me with scars, being robbed at work) saying I should “cheer up and get over it” ( before then monopolising the conversation with their usual own “oh, I’ve been overthinking about x and my life is full of gloom” shit )

Happily nc with all now (when I started trying to cut down contact I started getting hysterical, raging messages that made it clear that our interaction was all about satisfying the negative persons weird babyish emotional needs, not about a genuine social contact. Funnily enough I think a lot of people had done the same as me!)

Constant negativity is a form of control and attention seeking. I’m not a grown adults mother or emotional comfort blanket.

Its sad. I have a close relative like this. All it does is bring me down. Luckily, soon I can minimise contact.

I would never willingly stay with someone who made me feel even worse about my life than I already do .

If people make me feel bad I now avoid them or just see them in small doses. There is no point in being married to someone who makes you feel bad so much of the time. No point at all. Two negatives don't make a positive, they make two negatives!

I think it is definitely a form of control. DH is controlling in other ways which I could cope with but this is just a nightmare. Every morning starts with a big sigh and head in hands as he sits on the edge of the bed. everyone feels like that now and again - but every morning!? MIL is very judgemental and dismissive of other people too so he has been brought up with it but it's just getting worse and worse.

I ended up crying once, we'd gone to a restaurant (rare night out!) and he'd started criticising one of my friends and a choice they had made and I just burst out crying saying I couldn't stand him being so nasty about people. He looked genuinely perplexed that he had done anything wrong.

I think if we can't fix it I am going to have to LTB aren't I thank you for all the comments and to all of you in the same situation

Hate to say this, but I don’t think there’s anything “genuine” about the perplexment - this type KNOWS the effect they have and plays dumb whilst sadistically enjoying the drama and the pain they are causing.

What really fucked me off as well is how the negativity was targeted at me.

I’d listen to how the “negative people” were actually able to make the effort to appear “normal” and polite and engaging to other people (even cheerful ) and be all “compromising” and “no it’s lovely!”

and then turn into chronic sad face/can’t be bothered to speak/ mad lunatic ranting as soon as it was just me and them.

Oh, the exaggerated sighs and stonewalling and eye rolls and weird defensive body language: that seemed to be a favourite as well

I’d interpret it for the personal hatred and aggressive behaviour it is.

My exH was like this - sucked all the joy out of a room when he came in. Am ecstatic I'm divorced now!

My ExDH was just like this. It was partly down to severe depression which he refused to get treatment for.
The relief when we split was immense.
As we have a DD unfortunately I still have to deal with him.
But I don’t have to be in the middle of the drama, negativity, bad mouthing and language any more

I read something a while ago about becoming more positive. It involved (something like) writing down at the end of each day 5 positive things that had happened. They could be as miniscule as a car stopping to let you cross the road. At first it's really hard to think of things but over time the person became more naturally focused on the positive.

Obviously he'd have to be willing to engage.

We had counselling recently. We now ask each other what was the best thing about today? What have I done to make you feel appreciated. It does help but I think you need to sit him down and say I feel that I cannot be in the same room as you because you make so many negative comments. And then I think you need to give him the choice between changing his attitude and behaviour or getting a divorce because lets face it thats where youre heading.

Another one here with a Dementor for a husband. If I point out that he's being negative, without fail he'll reply "No, I'm a realist". If I hear that one more time I will scream.

And the sighing ALL THE FUCKING TIME, you know just in case I hadn't quite got the message that he's oh so put upon, he tops off the constant dreary moaning with weary sighs.

Miserable fucker.

I'm also overly cheerful to counteract his grey outlook. And I talk to the dog these days more than I do my husband.

I think its really important to stress its his negativity rather than him. Subtle difference. Makes it about the behaviour rather than him.

You are right Hannah he is able to be perfectly nice and friendly and cheerful outside the home. It's just with me and the DCs. I have tried doing the 'what was your high and what was your low from today' thing around the dinner table (anyone watched The Middle?) but he refused to take part.

Even playing 'what would you do if you won the lottery?' just elicits a sigh and the answer 'not work'. I'm sure I am very annoying to live with but surely everyone has some dreams and passions in life. I could think of a million things I'd love to do if I had the chance.

I suffer from this a bit. It runs in my family. I don't want to be like this but it's hard not to be sometimes despite my efforts. I try my best and try to be conscious but will often slip into negative thought patterns. I'm not sure if it isn't a little genetic as someone alluded to. I think it dates back to the toxic atmosphere i lived in as a child. I find life all a bit tiresome to be honest. Maybe it is depression.

Lila I would love to have a dog to talk to

I think he seriously needs to find aother job OP. Hard to do when you are being a misery guts though. You always feel better when you are doing something about your problems.

A bit of straight talking without being angry seems in order.

Letting it get to the point of an argument doesn't really work I think.

He has had lots of really good jobs - hated all of them and can't say what he would really like to do. Fucking hell I'm getting really cross now. I am going to speak to him tonight and see if he recognises there is an issue. Life's too short for this rubbish.

I too had a dementor, I had to leave him and I feel so much lighter now, everything feels better.
He sucked the joy out of everything, could never respond with grace to anything (a gift, new recipe, good news someone else received)

Was a miserable fucker in every way and I'm so happy he's gone, like a pp said I'm a generally optimistic person and try to see the good in things
He was a 'spoiler' through and through, any celebration he managed to bring down. I used to say if we won £5 million on the lotto he's moan it wasn't £10.

Does anyone know one of these who has recovered / improved? My mum is all false jollity, I generally do not know how she does it. She would love a dog / pet to 'talk' too. Obviously they can't get one due to my dad having many reasons why it would be a Bad Decision.

Buster I posted above that my DH is a lot better since getting treatment for depression. However he wasn't always a miserable fucker. He just had long spells of it and they were getting longer and more miserable to the point ideas hard to remember the good times.

If I were your mum is get the pet she wants and he'll either like it or lump it. We got a cat during one of DHs miserable spells, I swear he loves it more than me.

DH is like this and it definitely runs in the family (His mum, dad and both sisters are like it).

I have stopped jollying him along through life now but it does still bring me down. He can be very cheerful and happy when it suits him and my friends are all shocked that I say he is a miserable bastard because "he always seems so cheerful" .

He manages to take everything positive about our (what I think is a very comfortable and pleasant) life and shit all over it. I had the audacity to ask him if he thinks he might be depressed and well that went down very badly. I've always been quite independent but I have also noticed that I live my life as separately as possible now. I actively avoid bringing him into my social group now which makes me sad it would be nice to feel we could do "couples" gatherings but I don't want him there.

The thing about dementors is that as long as they have “supply”
in terms of friends/ partners accepting them and enabling their behaviour, they don’t HAVE to change?

Why should they when it gets someone under their control and means they can get their own way and be indulged?

Eg take a day out with my misery guts ex friend. She wouldn’t offer any suggestions, just expect me to act like a chirpy tour guide whilst she sighed and went “no, don’t like that” (she was five years older than me). I think one day we walked past about ten restaurants on the south bank which I had to “sell”
to her before she gave her “nod of approval” to one.

If I stopped doing the chirpy act myself, she’d just sort of collapse into herself and start huffing and puffing.

What freaks me out is how my Dementors all made contact after I went nc on them, with melodramatic statements about all the “happy memories” we had together.

It was like I’d leave a day with them feeling frazzled and tense and wound up, but they’d passed on all their anger and anxiety and misery to me? happy for THEM maybe?

It’s like their IDEA of happiness isnt “within”, it’s having power over someone else and someone else (muggins here) having to contort themselves to make them happy and entice them out of their self inflicted sulk.

So there isn’t actually any motivation to change?

The motivation for the negativity isn’t genuine internal unhappiness: it’s control and sadism. They want to feed off others and drag them down , not be content.

I know genuinely depressed people (I’ve had a mild form in the past) who focus on exercise, self-care, proper medical help, meditation,etc.

These misery gut types definitely aren’t the same.

You are describing my husband OP, he's like eeyore, always miserable, doesn't have a good word to say about anyone or anything. Thinks everyone's out to get him.
He sucks the joy out of a room.
Any family events are a nightmare - I have a photo on my phone of him sulking at a wedding, with a face like a slapped arse, because he didn't like the food. We had to leave early, with me making an excuse of a migraine.
I'm making plans to leave, I'm 64 and can't bear this any longer.
to us all

@Slingsanderrors

I hope you showed him that picture. What a prick.