DH is so negative

[FricketyFrick]

I'm not sure how much I can stand. He is negative about everything - work, the children, family members, friends, the news etc etc. I've got to the point now where I avoid being in the same room as it brings me down so much.

I'm quite a cheerful, optimistic person (although I have suffered MH problems) but I can't remember the last time DH and I laughed about anything. He's always had a pessimistic streak but over the years it has got worse and worse. So judgemental about people - words from this week include incompetent, useless, untrustworthy, stupid etc. Is he depressed or just a really horrible person? (Or both!?)

Oh yes! I have one too.... was thinking about it on my drive to work this morning.
I feel like he ruins everything by his attitude. Holidays, days out, just everyday life he finds so hard and anticipates stress before it’s happened. It’s so exhausting.

A great example is that he found being at my two absolutely straight forward labours completely traumatic. Birthing pool peaceful labours. Nothing happened to have made him so upset but he can’t even talk about them they were so awful apparently????

It’s how his whole life is, nothing bad happening but he can’t handle any of it.

No idea what to do with him.

I think I've found my tribe! I too have a dementor. Everything is about him, if I have a headache he has a migraine...
If I'm tired he's exhausted.
I went to visit a relative last night who has become v poorly v quickly.
He asked how it went, I began to tell home and he shut me down straight away with "welcome to my world" being repeated at me until I gave up. ( he has a relative with dementia, totally not the same thing at all)

I love him hugely but I am so fed up with him being so miserable with me and so nice to everyone outside the home. His dd is like him now as well, she picks up on it and behaves the same.

So frustrating and so difficult to live with.

View from someone who has been a miserable bastard at times - I used to get stuck looking at the negatives in every situation. I was in social work and it's a part of the job. However I could still enjoy life, but occasionally. It got much worse when my relationship was not great.
So, from my experience it can signify I'm unhappy with something key in my life and an old ingrained habit. it can change - I've had to work hard quashing the negative shite but I'm much better now and feel grateful every day for what I've got. I'm so much more content and probably easier to be around
You can't change him only he can if he wants to. And if he doesn't you have to look hard at if you're wasting your life and think about the impact it's having on your kids.

So what are the options for us? Do we all just leave? I can see the kids will be affected as they grow up.

Any tips from people who have combatted this successfully?

Dp was like this. He has always been a little cynical but it got pretty bad for about a year. He had a breakdown eventually. Now he's on ADs, it didn't stop automatically but after speaking about it a lot he doesn't really do it anymore at all.

Has anyone stopped being cheery to try to jolly them along? I mean, apart from shutting down completely? I'm tired of PollyAnna-ing, and I'm wondering if I try just agreeing with him that, yes, everything is totally shit, everyone else is clearly out to get us, everyone else out there is a murdering, thieving bastard, whether he might get the point?

Zaphodsotherhead I've recently stopped jollying my Dementor. Like I said upthread, I talk to my dog more than I do him now - that genuinely wasn't a joke. It's made absolutely no difference whatsoever - he's still a miserable sod and he's obviously determined to stay that way. He's turning into his dad, who liked to work all the time, be a martyr, sulk and complain about everything and everyone. The only difference is, now I'm not there anymore - exhausting myself with bring jolly to counteract him. I just shrug and try not to listen. I'm slowly giving up on our relationship and have one eye on the door.

NC for this so I can be totally honest. My DH was, and still is to a large extent, very much like this, he genuinely suffers from depression and anxiety and prob suffers from something like Aspergers ( not diagnosed). I spent years jollying him along, making excuses for his behaviour. A family bereavement pushed him over the edge and he has been on AD’s for years and will probably always be on them, he has had some counselling but to no great effect.
Being on AD’s brings its own problems he has no interest in sex so we haven’t had sex for years, he doesn’t care enough about my feelings to be intimate in other ways.
Because he has MH problems I feel that I can’t leave him, just as I wouldn’t leave him just because he was ill in another way or became disabled. We still live in the same house and are there for our grown up kids and grandchild but we lead separate lives. I get emotional support from friends and my family because my DH is just not capable of empathy.
We actually get on okay together now as I no longer feel responsible for his happiness and can just go to my own room ( our house is big enough to each have our own space) when it gets too much for me.

I have a couple of people in my life who are like this, not my DH thankfully!

It is exhausting to be around. I do also find I'm trying to be extra-positive to counteract their endless negativity, it drains the life out of you.

I would HATE to end up like this, especially as I get older. I am a very positive person and like to always look on the bright side, the silver lining. I know it's sometimes naive of me to think that things are always good, but if something bad happens then I try not dwell on it for get into the cycle of self-pity.

I really empathise OP, it must feel like a kick in the stomach everytime your husband moans and groans. I hope you can have a good chat with him, and remember, life is short so do what's right for you, your children and your sanity!

hemlock To change you have to recognise you're being miserable, not justify it or accept it as ok.
Some friends of mine got suddenly ill and it made me think about how short life is. I realised I had a choice - spend it sad or get a fucking grip and notice all the beauty in the world. I'm on ads but have been on and off for years. It was a conscious decision to be different

downhill, was your husband always lacking in care for you? Is it a marker of these miserable men, that they lack any emotional empathy and see sex as the only way of being intimate? Mine tries (because I told him a last straw in a previous relationship was only being kissed as a precursor to sex), but he really doesn't 'get it'. Why touch another person if you don't want to have sex with them?

i think there was very little physical contact as a child, added to a kind of 'misery loves company' upbringing. Do they all have similarities in their background/upbringing? If so, can we tell from an early age which people are likely to be like this and maybe intervene?

Zaphod.... yes yes and yes. No intimacy unless “foreplay”. No hand holding, kisses etc. Hates kissing even in sex although we did used to.

It’s so sad when you write it down isn’t it...

Zaphodsotherhead
It took me ages to realise it but when I looked back at how our relationship started I realised that for the first few years he liked a lot of sex, not a problem I was happy to go along with that and he never pressured me or sulked if sometimes I didn't feel like it. He definitely equated sex with intimacy though and when the AD's affected his libido he just couldn't see the point of being intimate in other ways.
Empathy he just doesn't get though, which is why I thought he might have something like Asperger's as even though I tried to encourage him to listen to other people's (me included) experiences and to try and understand how they may be feeling rather than constantly jumping in with his feelings or trying to offer "solutions to the problem".
His own upbringing was quite cold emotionally although not at all abusive, his own dad had similar problems and he never felt good enough for his dad. It was actually his dad dying that pushed him over the edge as he can now never have the sort of relationship with his dad that he craved.
My DH on the other hand was and is a great dad, having had a cold distant dad he makes a huge effort not to be like that with our kids.
Sometimes if I'm brutally honest with myself I do think if he can do it for them why can't he do it for me, I do realise that sounds terrible and of course I want him to be a good dad and love and interact with his kids and grandchild. I pour affection onto my kids as I have seen the damaging effects of when that doesn't happen.

Downhill I suspect my OH of being ASD - there are a lot of other markers in his life, food issues, repetitive behaviours and so on. And, on having discussions about books, he revealed that he literally cannot imagine how it feels to be another person, so his empathy is very limited.

I'm worried by what you say about his father, mine's father is still alive but very strained relationship despite no abuse. I worry now that, when his father dies, there may be an equal and opposite reaction that might result in a breakdown.

i think there was very little physical contact as a child, added to a kind of 'misery loves company' upbringing

Yes this was my husband's upbringing too. My childhood was happy and fun and normal. I genuinely didn't realise what a terrible impact an upbringing by negative parents would continue to have on my husband even 30 years into adulthood. I thought the years with me would change his outlook, but the negativity just runs too deep.

It sounds like typical passive aggressive behaviour, OP, it seriously
ruins lives if you’re on the receiving end of it.
I found this a good description of my exh PA. I’m a stressed out, chronically ill shadow of the mere child woman I once was before I married him. www.psychologytoday.com/blog/toxic-relationships/201706/is-your-partner-passive-aggressive

My dh is like this but thankfully has changed over the years.
It must be partly genetic as I noticed that ds1 was always quite negative and when I saw that,

Sorry posted too soon -
When I saw ds1 starting to become negative, I was determined to change things. I saw it straightaway because it’s the one thing I can’t stand in dh.
Everytime dh started being negative, I’d just ask him why he was always miserable about everything. I told him he was now affecting the kids and he had to stop.
Sometimes, I’d just get so pissed off and Tell him he was being pathetic. I’d point out that he had his health, had a decent job and Home, healthy kids etc.
If something good happened, I’d really emphasise it and never focus on the pointless negative stuff. I’d just brush it off or actually have a go at him. I told him I wasn’t going to ever let him drag me and the kids down to his miserable level.
I did all that ‘count your blessings’ stuff every day. Just reminding him.
With ds, I asked him every day what was good about today, what made him happy. I also asked what made him sad or what was bad and I agreed with him that yes, it did sound sad. I made sure I validated that part of him too but then focussed on it more positively.
I also encouraged dh to take up exercise and he now plays tennis regularly. He’s also really happy when he’s outside in the garden so he has gardening projects to focus on. It’s made a huge difference.
I know it sounds like I put a lot of effort into it but I did it for my kids and a better family life. I’m just not accepting it and Things really are a lot better now.
Dh is a lot less miserable now. He still can be negative as it’s part of his personality but he knows not to inflict it on us. He’ll often go out to the garden or find something else to do.
THrough the kids, he’s learnt the importance of hugs and touch for affection too.

No kids for OH and me (mine are grown up and he never had any). But he hugs the dog!

I'm going to try ignoring the miseries and reacting to any positive behaviour, see if that helps.

Sorry to hijack the thread, OP, but I've been very interested to hear about the backgrounds and upbringings of these miseries!

Lila - aaarrgghhh that sounds frustrating I guess some people will just see only the negative in everything, no matter what. I'm hoping my DH does find a distraction of some sort, some day!!

re. nature and nurture, I think some of it is genetic and may be related to ADHD, Aspergers, depression and so forth. Some of it is upbringing. Some of it is outlook. And some of it is circumstances - there are some difficult lives out there people are living. A different combination of course depending on the person. And maybe in some cases it is also a form of mental hostility in the role of "dementor" to partner.

Just speaking re. my own relative, I have found withdrawing from them the only way I can keep my sanity (experimenting with this just now). Just "letting them get on with it" so to speak. And only having basic communication so I can care for them but not get overly involved in their lives, their negativity, misery, blaming and complaints! However, I don't see how you could do that with a partner unless you lived really pretty much separate lives and had the large house someone mentioned so you can be physically separate.

And thank you, AnnaThursday for your link, I am reading it with interest.

People like this are fucking exhausting and I can’t bare to be in their company.

I would call him out on it and say how much it’s pissing you off having him suck the joy out of anything

Dh is like this and for years I tired to be super sunny and positive to 'jolly him out of it'.

Not possible! Wrong strategy!

Now if he starts, I just say 'Nobody ... gives ... a ... shit' or 'I'm ... not ... bothered' in a comedy robot voice that I've mastered just to piss him off. It does work because it does piss him off and I'm hoping it'll have the effect of an electric shock training the behaviour of a lab rat.

Other than the above I also completely ignore him when he's dispensing negative remarks and go and get myself a nice glass of wine/other treat and go 'Ooh lovely, I love snuggling at home with a treat' etc and then go on my lap-top and giggle a bit.