DH is so negative

[FricketyFrick]

I'm not sure how much I can stand. He is negative about everything - work, the children, family members, friends, the news etc etc. I've got to the point now where I avoid being in the same room as it brings me down so much.

I'm quite a cheerful, optimistic person (although I have suffered MH problems) but I can't remember the last time DH and I laughed about anything. He's always had a pessimistic streak but over the years it has got worse and worse. So judgemental about people - words from this week include incompetent, useless, untrustworthy, stupid etc. Is he depressed or just a really horrible person? (Or both!?)

I can't believe how many joy-suckers are out there!!!

I did @aquamarine1029, I told him he looked like a miserable twat.
he turned it round as usual, it was apparently very inconsiderate of the bride and groom to provide curry for the reception food, when he doesn't eat curry because it upsets his delicate stomach.
Backstory, the groom is an old friend mine, not just, the widower of my late lamented best friend. They are in their 60's. They live near Bradford, curry country.
The following week he whacked down a curry without a murmur. Idiot.

• not his, not not just!

Sadly my husband is the same too. Utterly depressing to be around.
Every morning without fail starts with a big sigh moody face woe is me attitude all before I've even got out of bed! It's got to the point where I don't talk to him much because all the responses I get are negative.
Never had a good word to say about anyone or anything. Always a pessimist, a bore and a kill joy.
No wonder I'm seriously considering divorce (other things going on too)
Op you are not alone. At 40 I'm waking up to the fact that this is not living, life really is too short!

So sorry this seems to be such a common issue. I am going to broach the subject tonight - wish me luck

It must be so draining. Good luck with your talk.

Best of luck Frickety Try to be calm and concentrate on the impact to yourself without it being a blame thing or giving ultimatums that you may not want to keep.

Things like "When you behave in x way, it makes me feel y", "when you say things like x, I feel y" "as a result of all this it makes me not want to spend time with you and makes me question why we are together". You could then add in what you want/need. i.e. "I want to be able to go out together and enjoy it", "I need to feel that you want to be with me"

I'm not trying to tell you what to say though, I was just offering a few thoughts

Thank you WaxOn I appreciate it.

Good luck Frickety, keep us posted

You’re right OP, life is too short to live like this. Good luck with the chat.

Good luck frickety

I have one further thought OP.

Are you a "carer" with him? Trying to make things better for him in his life? Smoothing things along? Organising a lot of things for example? Do you share the difficult things in life?

Not a leading question by the way. Just a question.

In other words do you walk on "eggshells" a bit or have a strong "managing" role in his life and moods and reactions, and your life together?

I do avoid talking to him about a lot of things (money mostly) because I feel that he blames me for any issues. Emotions are often dismissed as being 'silly' so I can't be honest about my feelings. I'm not sure I manage him exactly - can you give me an example of what you mean?

The talk didn't happen by the way will try again tomorrow.

This is really interesting to read. I have a family member who is constantly negative and I find it hard work being in their company. They really bring down my own mood. It makes me feel guilty, but I just don't enjoy their company. I think their wife must be a saint to put up with it all the time.

Omg. Go now and read The Dominantor by Pat Craven. Im certain pp means, 'do you work through ideas and conversation so that you present them to him in a desperate attempt to please him'?

Get that book now and don't let him know you're reading it.

My stbexh is also like this, one of the many reasons why I no longer feel the same way about him. I’ll come in from a long day at work and often I won’t get a greeting or acknowledgement from him. He will just launch into what a difficult day he’s had, complaints that people aren’t replying to his emails or texts, moans about shop staff who didn’t meet his exacting standards, motorists who cut him up or ‘miserable’ people who had a go at him when the dog barked at them. Everything is always about him but he has zero self awareness or how he is perceived by others. It’s never his fault and everyone is lacking. It is exhausting and it’s like having all the energy sucked out of you. Good luck with your talk, OP, I hope you get somewhere!

I'm not sure exactly what I was getting at Fricket.

1. Perhaps wondering if he is aware of the effect all this negativity has on you - but doesn't care. Though you say you remain cheerful and optimistic ! Quite an achievement !

1. Finally, you say he is so negative about the world in general. Is he negative about you or towards you? Are you the exception?

1. What are his good points?

1. I think having the talk, an open, relaxed talk might be helpful.

However, when you post above re. his behaviour I think it is definitely a form of control. DH is controlling in other ways which I could cope with but this is just a nightmare. Every morning starts with a big sigh and head in hands as he sits on the edge of the bed it doesn't sound good.

I used to be negative because I was brought up in a negative atmosphere but I retrained my negative thinking by doing a gratitude list and I was AMAZED how full it was! Everyday I concentrated on the list and I feel so much better. I'm sure you can re-wire the brain can't you? Isn't it neurones and pathways or something?

Another one here married to a Dementor. My DS and I can get happily in a room having a laugh and playing together, then he will come in, start complaining about something on the floor that should be tidied up or the noise we're making and in an instant, the light has disappeared from the room. Very glass-half-empty about most things. He is adamant he is a realist and he does have the right to be cross/ annoyed about things, and very stubborn about his moods and reactions. If there is a way to resolve this, unfortunately I haven't found it. It does seem to get worse when he's stressed or unwell, so I think his moaning is his way of letting off steam. I have suggested he get a hobby or exercise to get rid of built-up frustration. I am keeping my fingers crossed he does this. As you say, negativity is so draining.

I had an ex like this. Never met anyone like it. He used to suck the joy out of the room. Absolute miserable bastard, he’d had such a privileged upbringing too, had never struggled or been without. It was absolutely awful!! I dont have ANY time for anyone who moans now. I just breeze on past if they start!!!

Having a talk is a start, but where to go from there? Some people actively enjoy being miserable bastards

I really could not live with one of those real life dementors! Does it not bring you down?!

What effect does it have on your kids?

AufderAutobahn

"I have suggested he get a hobby or exercise to get rid of built-up frustration. I am keeping my fingers crossed he does this"

My husband exercises AND has a hobby. They just give him more things to complain about.

watching with interest as I have a dementor