Does it bother you when husband lies about small things?

[Rubbishparent82]

Hi, just coming to vent I suppose. I'm with a lovely supportive hard working guy, pregnant with his baby. He works in a warehouse, recently started there. I asked who he worked with out of interest a couple of weeks back, what the team was like and he said it was a proper sausage party (his words). I was like, seriously no women at all in the warehouse?! Genuinely thinking this was odd! And he said yep he's never even seen one! I thought nothing more of it except that it must be a really physical job /sexist company and I don't give a toss anyway.

So fast forward to today, and he comes home uncharacteristically happy and full of energy, was a delight to see. I joked around that they must have had stripper Sunday in the warehouse for all the boys and he laughed it off but went bright red! Now, you know when you can just tell somethings up?!! I was confused and asked if something was wrong, and he said no but after asking him again and telling him I just knew something was, he eventually told me that there had been three women working in the warehouse and he had lied!

I couldn't give less of a crap about the actual people, he used to be a bouncer at a club ffs and it never affected us apart from the horrendous shift times. Hes no flirt. Just really worried why he would lie about something so small? I don't even mind if he say had a crush on one of them, it's natural and he knows my opinions on all that. I'm bi myself and regularly have crushes in women which he knows about. It is not the first time he has doe this though and i don't know why it annoys and worries me so damn much! The lying -
not the women! My ex and I used to joke about and fantasise about women all the time and I know nobody is a threat to me in his eyes. I think he's very devoted.

If he lies about such massively insignificant things with no reason then why wouldn't he lie about bigger things, though? Past things he's lied about are equally insignificant... Like walking someone he used to have an crush on home after a night out once and telling me he walked home alone. I was upset more about the lying than the thing!

Has anyone had experience of a man like this and did it lead to him lying about bigger things or was it just a quirk of his nature?

Thanks I'll try. I will have to engage with him at some point as I'm carrying his child and we have lived together for over a year, all his stuff's here and he's paid rent for the month. But a bit of space won't hurt, so he takes me seriously, while he looks for another place.

You are doing the right thing. 100%.

Please remember that if he truly loved you and wanted you to be happy he would (albeit reluctantly) accept your view. Most normal people understand that lying constantly and having an extreme fetish are things that will break a relationship.

The PP are right about not needing a boyfriend. You are more than enough. Please speak to your local women's aid about the freedom programme. Set the bar as high as humanly possible. Great guys are out there and you will get one when the time is right.

I hope you're doing ok rubbish

Thanks Grace. I think we all know he doesn't love me, but he loves being in a relationship with me. He can creep around checking out womens footwear from a base of respectabilty, a relationship with kids. It makes me so sick. It's not just the fetish he is also obsessed with boots and will always have a photographic memory for what type of boots a stranger wears but can barely ever remember what I was wearing on a particular occasion. It got to a point where I was dreading rainy days or winter.

I will soon be free of all that worry thank God. Sorry for the rant!

Albedo, I'm not OK at all to be honest he let himself in last night after work, put the bins out, crashed on the sofa and I woke him up super early and tried to explain for an hour if he won't agree to break up and move out of his own accord I will have to get services involved. He's promised to go to his mum's tonight after work and I've taken his key. Back to square one... . I'm so shit and unassertive .

No, you aren't back to square one and you aren't shit and unassertive.

You're learning how to set boundaries and making clear to him that you're serious.

You've got your key back. He knows that just turning up and pretending its ok won't work. You've warned him of the consequences of doing it again.

You're doing amazingly and each day you will get stronger and learn to enforce your boundaries more

That's so encouraging. Thank you @Albedo you're an angel.

Im keen to have everything settled by the time the baby comes, so I'm used to living alone, he's used to living alone, our emotions are less raw so we can Co parent calmly and effectively without all that shit getting in the way. I've got four months. Also trying to learn to drive in the meantime! So that's the goal I want to stay focused on.

The problem is he wont take me seriously as he seems to think it's just pregnancy hormones making me 'push him away'..

That is frustrating that he is reluctant to take you seriously. It's just a way of undermining you and trying to getting his way. How dare he tell you how you feel?

Broken record - I'm not happy, this relationship is over. Do not engage. Focus on the practicalities. You're right that you need distance right now.

There is a no contact thread on relationships atm, that might be a good place to talk to people who have managed relationships with exes with kids involved. I've no experience of it myself and i don't doubt its hard.

You're keeping me sane

I'll try the broken record tip, and check out the nc thread. I'm the nc queen usually but you're right it's near impossible with a baby involved, especially as my other children adore him. He's not all bad, I just don't want to be in a relationship with him. Maybe a supervised day out once a week would be appropriate if we can manage to stay detached and civil.

Think you’ve changed your user name back

Bec thank you, I use both these usernames rubbish parent and rubbish mum interchangeably because I accidentally changed it twice from my original (something else entirely) as not v familiar with how the username change function works!

It sounds like you are being assertive to me rubbish don't be be so hard on yourself

How dare he minimise your personhood and autonomy in that way!

I'm actually relieved this is your second thread, I was worrying that there were two women out there with creepy BFs. Well, you know what I mean, I hope.

Stay strong, get him gone, whatever his better qualities, he values himself and his feelings so far above yours, that if you disagree yours must be 'wrong'. That is not a man you want much to do with. He may well enjoy his role as loving partner and step dad, but it is not who he is.

Maybe you need a totally new user name to represent your new start! I don’t think you’re a rubbish mum from what you’ve posted. You’re a mum doing your best with what you’re having to deal with. Hope it all works out for you and you can move on.

I am so grateful to you all for keeping me strong and focused without judging. I've always had troubles being assertive - I'm either passive, sweet and soft-voiced or an aggressive emotional psychobitch. So it's lovely to hear it sounds like I'm being assertive. Plan from now on :stay kind, but firm. No more desperate questioning trying to uncover more lies. No arguing or entering into discussion about why I'm ending it. Just want to stand by my decision.
And no dating for at least ten years. I want to focus on my interests, the universe, and my children!

Pickle me I remember you! Yes that's how it feels every time I express my feelings. That it doesn't matter what I feel, as he feels differently. I've put it down to a lack of empathy which would tally with him being able to overlook the suffering in the horrors he used to watch. He is funny, responsible and looks out for the children's interests though - I'm holding out hope that he will be a good father to his baby.

Bec that's a good idea. I will reward myself with a new nn when I have managed to reclaim my house for my own!

I do hope so! I know the fetish is creepy and may point to other character flaws, but honestly you are right not to focus on that because he'd be a bad bet even if you take that out of the equation.

It's absolutely fine to appreciate his good qualities and empathise because the damage is deep wired in because of a traumatic past. It doesn't mean he gets everything he wants though- he can only have a limited role in your life because he does not have the capacity for the role he wants.

Thanks Pickle for your kind, sensitive take on the matter! I was willing to give him another chance, on the basis that he was fully honest with me, and he was I think - for about a month. I fell into a false sense of security, lo and behold he started lying again. Not just one little lie, it was two long evenings spent painfully uncovering an innocuous truth that he could have told me in 30 seconds,
a month ago.
My pregnant mind can't take the stress of having to second guess everything he says. Not when the things he could be lying about are horrific and potentially traumatic. Would that my only fear were him playing away...... Even then I doubt I'd forgive, I have trust issues as it is!

I have a few things in common with you, three children by different fathers, similar area and a history of shitty relationships.
I was once seeing a 'future bomber' (I think the term is), really full-on, fast-moving, wanting-children-and-marriage-yesterday liar. He was a fantasist and lied about things which were even right in front of my face, from insisting that a dress he'd bought me was from a different shop (even though there was a label on it), to saying a prescription was for him even though his grandma's name was on it.
Your partner is disturbed. He is acting a part. He lives in cloud cuckoo land, not reality. As for his fetish, he's just being driven underground with it rather than attempting to 'cure' himself, which isn't even possible as far as I'm aware.
You're 100% doing the right thing in getting rid of this strange parasite (sorry for sounding harsh).

Saw this and thought if you

Duck nose what a strange coincidence. It's comforting to know I'm not alone I guess though sorry to hear what you've been through. Hopefully not with the same men :-/ It's weird as I seem to attract these future bombers too? And they also get really obsessed and won't let you go! The marriage and kids thing is often a control thing as they want to make it hard for us to leave.

You're spot on, I've had long words with him about the fetish, if it was me with it I would go out of my way to rid my brain of it, it's not enough just to stop using porn you have to tackle the underlying issue and look at every single trigger under a new light to rewire the brain. I'm not sure he is really taking it that seriously. NHS waiting list is taking ages. The thing is I need to stop taking his problems on as my own, he has to want to do something about it himself!

Bec thanks, that's wonderful. So true.

So my partner (X in my mind) still absolutely won't accept it. He came to pick up work clothes this evening, my ten yr old son came downstairs unbeknownst to us, overheard our chat and started howling violently saying he doesn't ever want him to leave, ever and if he does 'I will call you an idiot forever' (Ds said that!)

Do we get any autonomy over our lives now we've had children?! I feel completely out of control. Can cope with protests from my ex but not from my child. I know he's not old enough to understand. I know I'm here to protect him. But it appears he will be very traumatised by this move at an already fragile time in his life and I have to be careful how I play it..

Was thinking 'X is just getting an extra house to stay in sometimes so we have more space when baby is here'. Is that patronising, will that set him up for more trauma down the line when X moves on?

I do not want to be in a relationship with this man. I can't. Not even for the 'sake of the kids' who aren't even his, though to be fair he is far more of a dad to them than either of their dads have or will ever be.

Can't believe I've brought my precious children into this mess of a broken home.

Oh, what a drama, kids eh!

Reassure him that he's staying with his mum for a while etc, and not to worry about it, still visiting etc.

I know! So regretful I am putting him through this. Poor wee lad's been through enough in his life. This is why I shouldn't have introduced a man to my children, and moved in with him before being sure it was going to go the distance. Stupid, naive, irresponsible fool.

And yes. Good plan. He will soon settle into the idea and I will have loads more energy and happiness to give them without the millstone of a relationship!