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Original poster

Does it bother you when husband lies about small things?

152 replies

Rubbishparent82 · 15/10/2017 19:21

Hi, just coming to vent I suppose. I'm with a lovely supportive hard working guy, pregnant with his baby. He works in a warehouse, recently started there. I asked who he worked with out of interest a couple of weeks back, what the team was like and he said it was a proper sausage party (his words). I was like, seriously no women at all in the warehouse?! Genuinely thinking this was odd! And he said yep he's never even seen one! I thought nothing more of it except that it must be a really physical job /sexist company and I don't give a toss anyway.

So fast forward to today, and he comes home uncharacteristically happy and full of energy, was a delight to see. I joked around that they must have had stripper Sunday in the warehouse for all the boys and he laughed it off but went bright red! Now, you know when you can just tell somethings up?!! I was confused and asked if something was wrong, and he said no but after asking him again and telling him I just knew something was, he eventually told me that there had been three women working in the warehouse and he had lied!

I couldn't give less of a crap about the actual people, he used to be a bouncer at a club ffs and it never affected us apart from the horrendous shift times. Hes no flirt. Just really worried why he would lie about something so small? I don't even mind if he say had a crush on one of them, it's natural and he knows my opinions on all that. I'm bi myself and regularly have crushes in women which he knows about. It is not the first time he has doe this though and i don't know why it annoys and worries me so damn much! The lying -
not the women! My ex and I used to joke about and fantasise about women all the time and I know nobody is a threat to me in his eyes. I think he's very devoted.

If he lies about such massively insignificant things with no reason then why wouldn't he lie about bigger things, though? Past things he's lied about are equally insignificant... Like walking someone he used to have an crush on home after a night out once and telling me he walked home alone. I was upset more about the lying than the thing!

Has anyone had experience of a man like this and did it lead to him lying about bigger things or was it just a quirk of his nature?

OP posts:
EnnieMcConville · 16/10/2017 22:49

I think the issue has to be 'why'. If I were you, I'd sit down with him, a packet of biscuits to share and be honest. Explain you don't understand why and promise not to be judgmental. In my experience, people lie for several reasons - mainly to cover up they have done something you wouldn't like; to avoid a situation where you might THINK he was being inappropriate in some way; or because past experience tells him the truth, no matter how innocent, will just mean bad news. I think if you find out the way, you can sort it out. I suspect given the jaunty attitude on his return home means someone was making him feel all happy and jaunty. Which doesn't mean he's done anything more than have a laugh with another woman. But that in itself for him could be the reason he's lied - you're pregnant, maybe fedup, hormonal....the last thing he may want to say is 'these women had me in stitches today'. Idk how much younger he is than you, but if he does have limited experience, he may simply just not know how to handle this. Teach him, make him laugh...be funnier and sexier than them....make him realise that the best of the women is waiting at home for him :)

Vari757 · 16/10/2017 22:51

Ennie I think you should read the whole thread before commenting...

Original poster
Rubbishparent82 · 16/10/2017 22:54

Ennie I love you girl and I wish to God it were that simple. I'm a Yorkshire girl and a great believer in the fact that there isn't a lot in life that a chocolate hob nob n a cuppa can't fix. But this situation is definitely one of those things!

OP posts:
Original poster
Rubbishparent82 · 16/10/2017 22:56

Still deathly silence from my DDDP. I'm getting bored now. I told him to tell me a truth about something he had previously lied about - just to see if he had it in him. No can do apparently!

OP posts:
Original poster
Rubbishparent82 · 16/10/2017 22:57

And thank you, Albedo BrewCake

OP posts:
TheBusThatCouldntSlowDown · 16/10/2017 23:28

He's staying silent so you'll wear yourself out arguing. You're never going to get the truth from him. He doesn't have it in him; he's too fucked up. You could offer him a million pounds for the truth and he'd still lie.

Send him back to his mum's, and possibly consider counselling for yourself about how you ended up with this freak because there's being kinky, a line, then a million miles over the line is where your DP is.

Dowser · 16/10/2017 23:44

My exh was a liar
Then he turned into a heat too.
Not saying yours will but I'd be wary
Mine would lie when there was no need.

OneInAMillionYou · 17/10/2017 04:03

He sounds completely revolting and I feel so sorry for you and the two children currently living with him. And you are pregnant with his child?

You have to get out of this situation, for your children.

Why on earth would it matter if there were women present in his workplace, but it doesn't matter that he has a repellant fetish? That is beyond my understanding, I'm afraid.

graceadlerdesigns · 17/10/2017 06:18

Op, please tell this guy to fuck off... weird illegal porn and you have children!? You can do a hundred times better. You sound smart, funny and capable. Get rid of him and also report him to the police.

TheBusThatCouldntSlowDown · 17/10/2017 06:54

also report him to the police.

Yy to this ^

Original poster
Rubbishparent82 · 17/10/2017 07:36

Good morning all. Thanks a million for your support last night, I calmed down after I shared with you his lie about the mysterious man/woman, my crying eventually turned to a near laugh as it really is beyond ridiculous. Try as I might I could not even, even get him to admit this was bollocks. The only thing I managed to extract was that he "knows if he let himself" the insect thing would still turn him on and if he "allowed himself to masturbate" it would be a slippery slope. But he doesn't. Of course.

Then he started quizzing me on things and I admitted once I got turned on for about two seconds when someone's arm brushed against my boob. He considered this to be bad evil and unfaithful then I got a lecture about how I do bad things but he doesn't, he just lies about small things to "protect me" but is otherwise pure and devoted.

We were up til 5am I'm beyond knackered, gotta get kids to school. He has work thankfully.

Dowser your post really helped me, as when I read it I realised it isn't him cheating which I worry about. It's the fear of him going back to the fetish which as another poster said is far higher stakes.

Thanks for your kind words and encouragement and not judging me. It is over. I'm alone with two kids, no support and one on the way god help me but better than the alternative

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 17/10/2017 07:45

I remember the thread about the crushing. It blows my mind that you think that's none of your business! It's repulsive and twisted.
He's a shitty little emotionally immature liar and a gaslighter and if you don't separate from him you will go mad.

Vari757 · 17/10/2017 08:15

The insect thing? Crushing??

So he masterbates to bugs being crushed?? Have i picked this up right?

Jesus fucking christ

Original poster
Rubbishparent82 · 17/10/2017 08:19

Too right. I think I must have been mad to stay in the first place Adalinde! I felt his issues stemmed from childhood trauma and thought therapy might help him but now, being realistic and having seen what the NHS has to offer, I don't think so -
unless he goes to the one expensive clinic in London that specialises in such paraphilias. Which isn't feasible. I need to get real, to be honest I'm starting to think I'm the one who needs professional help. I had a damn sight more trauma in my past than he did.

He has just gone to work - what can I do today to gird myself to stay strong?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rubbishparent82 · 17/10/2017 08:19

Have already told him not to come back here this eve

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Original poster
Rubbishparent82 · 17/10/2017 08:20

Vari - yes :(

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albedo · 17/10/2017 08:28

It's fucking hard to take a line if you have poor boundaries (speaking from experience!). But some things that might help

Don't engage in conversations, explanations and apologies. There is no explanation which would make his behaviour ok so don't get drawn in.

Remember that your emotions and feelings don't need to be acted upon. Keep focussed on your long term goal and long term happiness. Which is to be happy and free of him.

Set yourself boundaries. For example, not allowing him in the house, not talking on the phone or messaging him. Whatever you need. Boundaries keep you safe.

It's going to be hard. But hard now means happy in the future. Don't prolong the hard by getting sucked back in.

If you have previously, don't cover up the reasons for separating. You've done nothing wrong.

FlowersCakeBrew

MillicentFawcett · 17/10/2017 08:40

Please, please for your children's sake actually leave him this time. You can do this. You don't owe him anything.

And do the Freedom Programme. And for god's sake, learn to stand on your own. Don't get another boyfriend. Your children need you to focus on their wellbeing.

Original poster
Rubbishparent82 · 17/10/2017 09:21

Albedo that is gold. Every woman going through a break up should have it pinned to her fridge. The fridge is where I will be spending most of my time today comfort eating and catching up on last night's tv and no strength for much else but one thing I shall do is set those boundaries in stone

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Original poster
Rubbishparent82 · 17/10/2017 09:22

Millicent - I know. I don't even like being in a relationship. I will not get into another until they are grown up now. It's nothing but pain as I attract the wrong men

OP posts:
Original poster
Rubbishparent82 · 17/10/2017 09:29

Just to say last time my thread was deleted as it contained too much detail about his sick fetish and it was extremely upsetting. Any sane human knows it's horrific, the reality of what he used to/does get off to is even worse than has been said and it's probably best not to mention the thing itself again as I value the heck out of this thread

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Original poster
Rubbishparent82 · 17/10/2017 14:40

OK so he won't accept the break up so I've told him I'm not going to engage in any further conversation until he has and is willing to talk practical matters, about his stuff, contact arrangements for baby etc. Is that harsh? Is that even realistic given that all his stuff is here and he lives here?!

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MillicentFawcett · 17/10/2017 14:45

No it's not harsh. You've told him you don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore. He needs to find somewhere else to live. He can go and live with his family/friends until he finds somewhere. He is not your problem

You can sort out contact arrangements later. Focus now on getting him out of the house

Original poster
Rubbishparent82 · 17/10/2017 14:49

Thanks Millicent, yes that needs to be my number one priority. He is not coming back here tonight which will give me time to start packing his belongings. I will focus on this and ignore any correspondence from him unless it relates to this.
Having real trouble working out boundaries given that he refuses to talk about anything except to say 'I love you' 'I'm sorry' 'I want to be with you forever' 'I'm not gonna leave ya' like a broken record

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MillicentFawcett · 17/10/2017 16:56

Just ignore him. You've made your position clear. You don't have to engage with him at all. Stay strong!

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