Does it bother you when husband lies about small things?

[Rubbishparent82]

Hi, just coming to vent I suppose. I'm with a lovely supportive hard working guy, pregnant with his baby. He works in a warehouse, recently started there. I asked who he worked with out of interest a couple of weeks back, what the team was like and he said it was a proper sausage party (his words). I was like, seriously no women at all in the warehouse?! Genuinely thinking this was odd! And he said yep he's never even seen one! I thought nothing more of it except that it must be a really physical job /sexist company and I don't give a toss anyway.

So fast forward to today, and he comes home uncharacteristically happy and full of energy, was a delight to see. I joked around that they must have had stripper Sunday in the warehouse for all the boys and he laughed it off but went bright red! Now, you know when you can just tell somethings up?!! I was confused and asked if something was wrong, and he said no but after asking him again and telling him I just knew something was, he eventually told me that there had been three women working in the warehouse and he had lied!

I couldn't give less of a crap about the actual people, he used to be a bouncer at a club ffs and it never affected us apart from the horrendous shift times. Hes no flirt. Just really worried why he would lie about something so small? I don't even mind if he say had a crush on one of them, it's natural and he knows my opinions on all that. I'm bi myself and regularly have crushes in women which he knows about. It is not the first time he has doe this though and i don't know why it annoys and worries me so damn much! The lying -
not the women! My ex and I used to joke about and fantasise about women all the time and I know nobody is a threat to me in his eyes. I think he's very devoted.

If he lies about such massively insignificant things with no reason then why wouldn't he lie about bigger things, though? Past things he's lied about are equally insignificant... Like walking someone he used to have an crush on home after a night out once and telling me he walked home alone. I was upset more about the lying than the thing!

Has anyone had experience of a man like this and did it lead to him lying about bigger things or was it just a quirk of his nature?

Reading the other posts on here on husbands lying tonight about big things is making me physically sick. What the point being with a man I don't trust

Exactly. End it and be happy!

I want to whisky I really do.

Leave him. Liars lie.

Not so simple as this is my third baby by a third father and the other two are very bonded to this man

I'm not sure who you asking....?
But If it is me ....yes, still with him. Not sure about my decision though.

Truth means a lot to me. But I've come to understand it means little to others. Or has little significance .

I texted my older sister about how your post resonated. That did not help!!

Trust your instincts. I wish I had. And that's saying from someone who's just caught the petty lies from my DH.

When my ex - came all blushed and red faced from work? I was so trusting, I didn't even question it. I didn't even question why my passenger seat in his car was near horizontal!! . Silly me. No instincts there! I was just trusting and knackered.
Looking back? The blush should have been enough to get my antenna up.
Yours is.....so just watch and keep note?

He sounds so immature. I'm guessing he's about 20? I think you can do better, do you really want to be with someone who you can't trust?

It was to you, canoe. Your story is cautionary indeed. Thanks so much for sharing. The sisterhood is all I have right now. Feel like I'm overreacting after reading the real big lies some men have told but then I read the stories you guys have shared with me tonight.... Our instincts are there for a reason to protect us. you sound like a very strong woman to have coped with this for so long!

Just seen your last post.
He'll probably pull back now you have questioned it.
My ex complained I didn't notice.....!

He's 27 I'm 34!

My present is pissed off I do notice!!

Dh of 18 years has done very similar, lied about the appearances of women in work, said they were older, dowdy women, turned out to be not true at all. I would ask him about his days, who he worked with etc, he made out he had no contact with any work colleagues at all apart from usual small talk, turns out he played quizzes at lunch time with the 2 much younger normal looking girls. None of that would of bothered me, working with younger girls, banter and quizzes at lunch, whatsoever. It was the lying that made me suspect there was so much more to it and I still don’t know because he could never tell the truth, unless I found out for myself. Lied over years of porn use, he himself banned it from our relationship. I’m still with him and loved him so much, now all I feel is disappointment, I can never trust him and I feel grief for the relationship and man I thought I had. He dosnt get it at all and thinks none of it was serious lying and thinks I should be well over it. Im stuck because we have a very large family and I’ve never been alone or had a job even, I’m totally reliant on him. If I knew it would turn out like this I would of left years ago. He was the only person I could trust and never thought he would lie so easily to my face. You have a way out OP, trust and truthfulness are one of the main foundations of a relationship, without them everything crumbles. Sorry if I sound really dramatic but it’s so true.

Maybe he’s just a bit silly?
Going red about women at his work?! It’s not exactly cool is it. Perhaps he’s just really dorky around women.
Have you seen peep show? That episode where Jeremy walks into a club & cant stop thinking about all the vaginas in the room
Sorry I get a flash back to that scene when I see blokes that can’t cope with a WOMAN!
I don’t think it’s a deal breaker if everything else is good, I think it’s something you can work on. Tackle it head on now, lay it out for him, tell him what you’ve said here. Invest in counselling too. I’m divorced plus I’ve lived with a flatmate who was a habitual liar, extremely odd experience & you can end up doubting yourself. This doesn’t sound too bad though...could be retrievable

Canoe - we can't win! We wouldn't notice at all if they just told the effing truth. I'm like you and am mad honest just in an attempt to get him to feel comfortable to open up himself. I've opened up about some very embarrassing things to him and even stuff I knew would anger him as I value honesty so much. Keep faith though - there are men out there with our attitude. BUT it's no comfort when you're with someone economical with the truth.

Jackie - I am deeply sorry to hear what you have gone through with your husband. It sounds very familiar. And because there are no so called 'big lies' (that we know of) (though that's debatable) we are called unreasonable and our worries laughed off. How did you find out about the porn? Mine says he doesn't even masturbate. Ever. Not once during the whole relationship. I've opened up that I often do and sometimes use porn but he still maintains he never has and I want to believe him but God knows. It's not really my business anyway it's again the potential lie that hurts.

Let's not get too dramatic here. I mentioned my sister. I didn't quote her cos she was general and sexist. But ....before we get too dramatic...she said ...men lie cos they minimise. Women lie, and we don't get caught out cos lets face it, we better at it.

You can see why I didn't want to quote That!!

But she makes one good point. Men minimise. If you caught him quick enough and and all else is ok, then no drastic measures.

Otherwise....if the minimising lies keep coming....id keep calling him it as soon as you know about them. If it carries on, then you have a liar on your hands.

As do I. I get confused as to why he lies. He forgets why he lies! He forgets what he's lies about!! As i said.... part of me doesn't care anymore.

Rach thanks for the sunny outlook! I remember that peep show scene. Yes he is dorky around women. He has fantasies of them dominating him. Only me of course. EYEROLL.
It may just be a silly quirk but it's one which means I will never know him truly and deeply which kills any chance of a deep soul mate connection.

No canoe your sister probably is right to an extent! It's just that I have been continuously calling him out on his lies for over a year now, since the very beginning, and don't know what's true anymore including whether he loves me or is just saying it to keep the perks of the relationship. I've, like you, dealt with duplicitous men before who turned out to be someone else entirely than they presented themselves.

I came home from town and have gone straight to bed without even saying hello as I'm so angry. He can have the bloody sofa and tug one off to who ever the fuck he wants in incognito mode.

Hm. Maybe it's just pregnancy hormones causing me to overreact!

Does he know why you went to bed with your arse in your hands?

He had always said he’d never use porn if I ever brought it up, and if I suggested we watched it together he’d make out he wasn’t that pushed but get me to use my phone and overact that he’d never been on pornhub, etc and didn’t know how the site worked. It was really suspicious how he’d act so I always just assumed he did use it and knew he was lying. It wasn’t until last year when I read a mn thread on what porn us women like to watch and I got curious and checked it out. I’m very honest and keep nothing from him and told him all about my searches and we kind of had a heart to heart that he wasn’t happy with me watching porn and of course he never did, so we would agree that it didn’t have a place in our relationship. I said I had always suspected he did anyway and he got angry and said I needed to believe him because he would never lie and promised with all his heart he always told me the truth. Really made me doubt myself. Forward to this year, he’d changed the bed sheet and accidentally plugged out my phone charger from the wall. I was browsing my phone and it died unexpectedly, so I used his, no big deal, we often swapped phones. I was using his search internet that he’d last used and history of all his porn came up. Dating back months. When I confronted him he straight away said it was only the once, until I showed him the history, then it was only 2 months, until I found his old phone, charged it up and found plenty there too, his old phone wasn’t used over 2 years. It’s the lies and gaslighting that have ruined everything, I just can’t ever believe him about anything like that again. Sad thing is he’s great apart from that, but I just can’t move on from it. It’s basically ruined a 24 year old relationship and it’s very difficult to come to terms with.

24 years Jackie my god that is tragic. I'm so sorry. I hope you don't feel you have wasted your life so far - you sound so resigned yet wise with it.

It could be my story exactly, except my partner is clearly skilled at hiding his use. Thank you hugely much for sharing that. Do you ever think of walking away or does his loveliness in other respects keep you hanging on? Do you like me find it hard to give your heart fully to a man who is unwilling to lay his true self on the line?

Canoe - he knows. And I'm proud I stayed so calm actually :) Just read back my whatsapp conversation with him tonight. He eventually did admit he knew her name (the main one, well... The young pretty one) she often came to his desk, he dropped things off near her office, they had been in meetings together, they had spoken in passing.... It made me sick as earlier in the conversation, even while apologising profusely for his original lie, it was interspersed with more lies. So assuming his truths were too.

Not that any of these lies even matter a jot it's just how anyone can sit there lying while apologising for lying. What the hell.

I'm getting cross on everyone's behalf reading these stories. What makes these ppl feel within their rights to blatantly lie to their partner over so much? It's mental. I've had many similar experiences too, including probable cheating, lying about not lying, and most recently the discovery of porn spanning years, after saying he's not going to use it again. As pp mentioned, I'm not sure what's lie or truth now and it's soul destroying. Dh works away a lot and I'm really questioning what has been going on. Sad thing is, until I caught him out the first time, I never had any doubts, now I'm like a paranoid version of my former self, hoping to catch him out before anything happens. Although between working away and the prevalence of modern tech (with incognito) I have little chance. for everyone putting up with this shit.

I can feel myself disliking him more and more, we had an amazing relationship, great sex life, really cared for eachother, built up a really good life together. But more and more I feel like why bother, it’s not real, what’s the truth and what isn’t and needing to analyze everything. My hearts checking out of our relationship and because of the porn he chose to watch my self esteem is nothing. It’s just such a huge shame, a big waste. I don’t think I’ll waste the rest of my life with him tbh it’ll be never what I thought we had. I just need more time to decide what to do. Huge commitment here between us and it won’t be easy.
I hope it’s much easier for you op, you sound lovely and deserve much better then a liar.

No offence OP but he sounds really odd. In your own words you've said he likes weird porn, really awkward around women but has strong fantasies about them... he sounds about 14! Like he never learned how to interact with females properly. It just sounds odd

fritz i asked my lying ex why he lied. The answers i got were; 'well everybody lies', 'I didn't think you'd find out', and finally 'as long as i benefit from the lie, it doesn't matter if others are upset'. I think the final one was the key, it was a sense of superiority / lack of respect for others so that as long as he was getting what he wanted then others didn't matter. Although sometimes I think it was just habitual, and he didn't care what came out of his mouth.

OP in my experience, and as others have said, this will only get worse and you will end up not trusting anything he says. Life is often hard enough as it is, without having to second guess everything your 'D'P says.

@fritzdonovan and @jackie - to you sisters. Your husbands sound (being generous) like weak cowards. I can hardly imagine how shit that must feel, discovering porn use spanning years after he lied about it and even told you he didn't approve of it - can imagine though the effect it has on you, on both your self esteem and wondering if you ever knew them at all. I do not want to be that woman, and not going to give my man 'years' in which to continue lying to me about his own probable porn use. And if he isn't now, he will be. He was obsessed with his weird porn in the past, we are still in the honeymoon period right now so yeah maybe he isn't looking. But we are having a baby soon, will change everything. Looking does not bother me half as much as lying. I've looked myself and he knows, and didn't like it. So it will annoy me all the more when he starts. When not if.

Fritz do you also sort of feel you have checked out of the relationship, as the only way to stop worrying is not to care? Even the sweetest loveliest partner is emotionally draining to be with when they lie and gaslight.

@vari757 I'm not offended! I actually find his shyness and geekiness cute. Combined with the very very weird porn though and his requests to me the whole thing now makes my skin crawl a bit. I don't want to drip feed so won't go into it too deeply! But i do sometimes see my friends' men joke about hot other girls are in front of them, and be jokingly punished with a look or whatever- and instead of feeling indignant about these twattish men I actually crave such honesty and normality! My man's desires were very underground and secret.

@zenness thanks for your advice, it sounds like you know what you're talking about. I'm already at that point after about a year and a half, worryingly. But am not a trusting person. Your ex sounds like an arrogant prick! I love the rare moment of honesty when he admitted the idiotic reasons he lied!

He's at work now. When he comes back I'm seriously considering just telling him I wanna be housemates instead of partners. Sure he can help with the baby and kids but I'm damned if he's gonna cause me these worries for years to come. Do any of you regret staying, after the first time you realised they weren't honest?