Does it bother you when husband lies about small things?

[Rubbishparent82]

Hi, just coming to vent I suppose. I'm with a lovely supportive hard working guy, pregnant with his baby. He works in a warehouse, recently started there. I asked who he worked with out of interest a couple of weeks back, what the team was like and he said it was a proper sausage party (his words). I was like, seriously no women at all in the warehouse?! Genuinely thinking this was odd! And he said yep he's never even seen one! I thought nothing more of it except that it must be a really physical job /sexist company and I don't give a toss anyway.

So fast forward to today, and he comes home uncharacteristically happy and full of energy, was a delight to see. I joked around that they must have had stripper Sunday in the warehouse for all the boys and he laughed it off but went bright red! Now, you know when you can just tell somethings up?!! I was confused and asked if something was wrong, and he said no but after asking him again and telling him I just knew something was, he eventually told me that there had been three women working in the warehouse and he had lied!

I couldn't give less of a crap about the actual people, he used to be a bouncer at a club ffs and it never affected us apart from the horrendous shift times. Hes no flirt. Just really worried why he would lie about something so small? I don't even mind if he say had a crush on one of them, it's natural and he knows my opinions on all that. I'm bi myself and regularly have crushes in women which he knows about. It is not the first time he has doe this though and i don't know why it annoys and worries me so damn much! The lying -
not the women! My ex and I used to joke about and fantasise about women all the time and I know nobody is a threat to me in his eyes. I think he's very devoted.

If he lies about such massively insignificant things with no reason then why wouldn't he lie about bigger things, though? Past things he's lied about are equally insignificant... Like walking someone he used to have an crush on home after a night out once and telling me he walked home alone. I was upset more about the lying than the thing!

Has anyone had experience of a man like this and did it lead to him lying about bigger things or was it just a quirk of his nature?

Yes I regret staying, although I don't have DC to consider. They both drove me half mad, made me doubt my instincts, made me question myself. It took a long time to get over that.

One of them was into niche/weird porn too and i doubt he'd be able to give it up. It was comfortably within my boundaries (it was odd rather than extreme iyswim) but requests quickly escalated.

Porn is a red flag. You need to develop better antennae refarding suitsble men.

That's interesting albedo. I think a lot of men into strange porn are often by nature secretive and ashamed of who they really are, so perhaps that's why lying becomes a habit. Still no excuse, though.

It does make you question yourself doesn't it. I've read a lot of threads on the net about this and on advice forums, often the person being lied to is blamed for the lying, too, by being too inquisitive/ tending to overreact. I just remind myself, he lied on our first date!

Can i just ask what you mean by strange porn? Do you mean slightly kinky or full on disturbing stuff?

If it's the latter then I think this guy is creepy as hell ans you should get rid. I am, although suprised with people that really dont agree with any porn and would be devastated if their partner watched it.

Full on disturbing as all hell, Vari.

To the point even talking of it is apparently banned on fetlife

So I'm guessing it's illegal? Why are you trying to act like you are cool with it and not bothered by it? Let alone bring a child up with this disturbing individual. I think the lies are the least of your worries tbh.

Banned on fetlife? Jesus.

I'm kinky af but no, no, no.

Yes I see your point Vari. The porn he used to look at isn't my business, really. It did not involve children at all and for the most part was not illegal - to be fair, fetlife have cracked down on a number of things recently. I However you are spot on that while the historic porn is not what I started the thread about, it is related.

As for me to believe he is over this fetish (ie doesn't engage in the porn or fantasies anymore) I need to believe he would tell me if he relapsed. And if he refuses even to tell me innocuous things like who he works with, what are the chances he would tell me if he was struggling with the fetish? The stakes are high.

Okay so it’s either incest, scat porn, bestiality, animal crushing or necrophilia????
As these are banned from Fetlife?
Not a great list to choose from I’d be running for the hills.

Omg... why did you not run for the hills when he told you. The majority of normal men DO NOT like those things!!

There are other things recently banned too - they've come under fire from members because of it. But yes it's equally horrific to me

Vari I regret it every single day. He lied at first about it, didn't find out truth until pregnant.

What the crap is scat porn?! imagines scat man John naked bound and gagged. A loss to the musical world! I'm not googling it!

Scat is either poo or vom, i can't remember which. All i know is that it's on my no list

Oh god that is repugnant

What the heck are you doing with him OP? He sounds revolting. He lied on your first date, he lied about work, obviously he's going to be lying about the porn too. When you said he was much younger than you I assumed he was about 20, not 27; he's been an adult for years. I don't think this is something you can put down to his lack of maturity - this is who he is.

Yes TheBus. I feel like this is the final straw and it's terrified the hell out of me reading that others have tolerated it for years and some regret doing so. He sent me a huge bouquet of beautiful flowers saying sorry, has told me every thing about today's shift over txt as I didn't want to talk (apparently he has coincidentally been moved to a part of the warehouse today which is right next to where this woman works. After yesterday claiming she was right at the other side and he barely saw her. And another woman magically appeared there today too he says. I actually do believe this funnily enough! Hard luck for him though!)

Whether it's my fault or not that he lied or whatever... It's the fact I can't trust him.

If he is scared to be honest with me the decent thing would be to let him go find someone he feels comfortable to be himself with, too. Pregnant or not I think your Bus has helped me reach my destination. The end of the road!

Banned from Fet?! Wow! I'm into a lot of weird shit but if its banned from Fet that's even too far for me.
(P.s. SCAT - stands for Shit Crap and Turd)

Rose - what if he ditched the fetish when he met you? Would it still be a dealbreaker, would you even believe he had ditched it?

P. S. It's not scat, thank Jesus

Still a dealbreaker for me.

They aren't sexual preferences that are ingrained in you. If you fancy people of the same sex you can't just stop that one day. You may not watch the same sex porn any more, but it will still turn you on deep down.

They are not aren't

You say thank jesus its not scat, but of the longstanding banned subjects scat is the only one which doesn't automatically involve violence or abuse, or violate consent. It might be gross (and i think it is) but someone into scat isn't necessarily causing anyone/anything harm.

albedo I'll second that. Of all the banned topics on Fet, and there aren't many, SCAT would be what I was hoping for, personally.

Lots of things are banned from what I've read, even vampirism and the word "force"...!

It's neither of these either and I'd prefer not to go into it. All fetishes repulse me, even harmless ones like feet ones. I know that sounds awful. I'm kinky as hell, open to playing, and I couldn't care less if a mate had a fetish but would dump a boyfriend for having one, not because it's wrong but just because i personally find it unattractive as I want to be wanted because me, not because stockings or whatever. But he says he has got rid of his. Not that I believe him for one second, though I believe he wants to.