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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Affair advice please (only those who've been in affairs themselves please)

182 replies

BrokenandEmpty · 15/10/2017 15:05

Please don't judge me - I need advice and help not to be told how awful I am which I already know.

I am married with two young children and had had an affair with an also married man who has children. Our affair started three years ago, both unhappy in our marriages where we were missing the spark and not feeling loved but knew neither of us was investing in our marriages either. I hate writing and saying this but for me, it was like sharing life with a roommate and nothing more. For MM I know it was the same and our affair spiralled out of all control and over the last few of years I have fallen completely in love with him. His wife found out and forgave him but their marriage was even worse and we tried so many times to stop but we haven't been able to at all. I don't doubt that he loves me but we decided that we couldn't do this to our children - couldn't ruin there lives for our selfishness. We tried but failed and we resumed our affair and decided we were both so miserable without each other so started to take steps to leave our marriages in a way that would cause the least pain to both our spouses - to anyone who hasn't had an affair I know that reads pathetically.

Despite this, he completely broke down and told his wife that he is in love with me. But this is the killer - he didn't tell her he wants us to be together and is now staying to work on his marriage. I am so confused and heartbroken - on the one hand he and I started to plan our life together and now this.

For those of you that have been in this position, did you tell your husband about your affair even if it meant not being with the OM?

Will he ever actually leave his wife? She has forgiven him again and is now even more loving and does everything he asks.

I need to get over this don't I? He is never going to actually leave for us is he? I am completely devastated by the extent to which I've ruined my own marriage which feels irreparable. And I am even more devastated by the fact that it's come to this point and he is staying. He said his marriage will "probably end now anyway" but that shouldn't be enough to keep me hanging on or enough for me to completely devastate my husband by telling him now should it?

I haven't told anyone at all about any of this and I'm a complete mess inside. I think I just need to talk to anyone who has been through this and what you did. What happened? Did your MM leave? If not, how did you get over it? Did you tell your husband everything or just keep going with this enormous shameful secret? It's just too much to bear and the weight of it all is crushing me.

OP posts:
BrokenandEmpty · 17/10/2017 14:52

I do love and care for him - after nearly 2 decades of course I do - in spite of my actions over the last few years not showing that. None of this is black and white - it hardly ever is. It most definitely isn't that my h is my fall back.

From all of the negative posts here - mostly truths I haven't wanted to hear, but are right in lot of ways- I'm starting to try to see what my affair was in real life not what I had built in mind and what a future with MM might have been like

Bitoutofpractive - you said: Your DH has felt like an after thought and it's only now that you've started to realise that the OM isn't coming back, that you've suddenly thought "oh well, guess I should work on my marriage then".

This isn't right, he has never been an afterthought at all. But if I can tell h all of it and we decide for our children and hopefully ourselves too, that there might be something worth fixing - I'm not wrong to ask whether others who've had affairs have managed to survive.

I AM frightened of being alone - I can admit that. I wouldn't be the only woman in the world who is frightened of coping alone. And if I can find a way out of this mess that doesn't shatter my childrens lives then I'll obvsiously try that first

MrsOpinionated - time again - 3 years ago, I would have left my marriage. Having an affair is the single most destructive, soul destroying thing you could ever do. If I could go back 7 years I'd have changed it all - talked more and instead of bottling everything up and holding grudges which h and I were both guilty. Shared childcare - the list goes on and on. my affair was a symptom and when faced with the choice of an affair - I made the wrong choice. but this is irrelevant .

Affairs don't necessarily happen to good people BUT good people who are in unhappy marriages can find themselves in an affair to fill the void in their lives. When you fall in love with you AP - that's the killer. No-one thinks they are going to fall in love with anyone outside of there marriage. It doesn't mean your a bad person. If only it were all so black & white.
QUiteLikely5 - yes, I am thinking of them and that is why I asked whether people have ever managed to recover.
Isthismylifenow - I'm so sorry but thank you for being honest.

OP posts:
fuddle · 17/10/2017 14:52

It maybe that he thought he could commit to you but then when it all became real he couldn't ? Not trying to make excuses after a while you'll get a sense if relief, no more lies or hiding and you can concentrate on the future.

Breadwithgarlicon · 17/10/2017 14:55

OP, it always helps me to get practical so here's a list:

  1. Block him. Cease all contact. Tell yourself whatever you need to to do this. (Eg. I deserve more. I want to be someone's number one. He's a useless cheat. Whatever.)
  2. Grieve.
  3. (Linked with 2.) See a Counsellor. You need someone to talk to and you seem to be attracted to unavailable men.
  4. Focus on your kids and all the essentials of life.

You do not need to decide anything else now. Good luck. Flowers

GColdtimer · 17/10/2017 15:48

How anyone can have a "void to fill" when they have 2 small children to look after is beyond me. And was that void there before you decided to bring 2 children into it? If not then that void appeared pretty quickly. Lots of people stuggle when their children are small, resentment can build up, intimacy can disappear. Lots of relationships change and it takes bloody hard work to get them back on track. You have to stop making excuses, if you do end up telling your DH he will not want to hear them.

I think you have to be honest with yourself, what would you do if MM walked back into your life now and asked you to leave your DH? If the answer to that question would be yes then you absolutely have to end it with you DH. You need to start showing the father of your children some respect. And even if that answer is no, then you still need to be honest with your DH about what you ahve done and your desire to put things right.

I find your concern for not shattering your children's lives a bit disengenous to be honest. If you were that concerned about that you wouldn't have started the affair in the first place, or at least it would not have lasted 3 years. What you are more concerned about is not shattering your own life. You don't want to be on your own but you are pretending (probably to yourself) you are doing it for them.

SecondChanceSaloon · 17/10/2017 15:54

OP before you do anything you need to ask yourself some very honest questions and answer them very honestly.

You say your marriage was already unhappy, was it really? Or have you rewritten history to make yourself believe that your marriage was unhappy? After all, to justify having an affair for three years you would have to convince yourself that what you were doing was the right thing. After all,a three year affair is going to include emotional attachment not just a one off night or two of having something different.

Secondly, why do you want to work things out with your DH? Do you really want to work things out because you love him and see the rest of your life with him? Or is it because the OM is no longr in the picture and you're afraid of going it alone? Be honest, if the OM turned up on your doorstep tonight and told you he'd left his wife and that he wanted to build the rest of his life with you, would you still be thinking that you wanted to save your marriage to DH? Because if not then you're staying with your DH for the wrong reasons. There doesn't need to be someone else waiting for you to end a marriage. Statistically most affairs do not make it past a year in relationship terms anyway so even if you left purely to be with the OM the likelihood is that you wouldn't end up staying together in the long term. There has been far too much deceit in your relationship to be able to start afresh with this OM without a huge amount of distrust and suspicion anyway. And while some relationships do start off the back of marriage breakdowns and do last, on the whole those relationships are relationships where the marriages were ended quickly not dragged out for years while everyone deceived everyone else.

Of course you love him. Unless he's a complete monster you don't go through years of marriage without retaining feelings, even if those aren't necessarily romantic feelings. From my perspective I loved my H but he was emotionally abusive, and the marriage was in trouble long before I had an affair. In fact we had talked about splitting up even before I had an affair but didn't.

But when I had the affair I thought that the OM was the greatest thing ever, that he loved me, that I was the best thing to have ever happened to him and vice versa. Affair was brief though, but it did make me see how unhappy I had been and how I couldn't stay where I was. But when the affair ended I too thought that I could just stay in the marriage and hope for the best and maybe rebuild things for the sake of the marriage and for the children. But then I thought about everything that went before, and I realised that my wish to stay had more to do with the fear of leaving with nothing to go to rather than because I wanted to spend the rest of my life in a marriage which, although it had its good points also had abusive ones. So I left anyway. And the night before I left I thought about what I was doing and wondered whether I should in fact stay. He would have taken me back at that stage. But I didn't. And now several years down the line I know that even if I'd stayed things would have settled for a while and then gone back to the way they had been before and we would have been back to square1, so I know that leaving was ultimately the right thing to do.

As for the OM, he did in fact try to come back. But he'd subsequently got together with someone else and thought that now that I was free I might like to be his bit on the side while he decided whether to be with me or her. I told him where to go and we haven't spoken or had any contact for years.

Ultimately the future is uncertain. But remember that your children won't be children for ever. One day they will grow up, leave home and lead lives of their own. And if they are the reason you feel you should work on your marriage with your h then you need to ask yourself whether you can see yourself loving him for the rest of your lives even when the children have left and it's just the two of you, or whether you are just doing this as a temporary fix because you see your whole life as one with small children when in fact it isn't going to be like that.

The OM is gone. The relationship with him is over. Cut him off, he's made it clear what he wants, it isn't you and you're not in a position to change that. Whatever you do now you have to do for yourself. Not for your children, not for your husband, for you.

MrsOpinionated · 17/10/2017 17:32

I can't believe I'm going to say this (as I despise cheating) but I feel abit sorry for you. You've got carried away and are now in a terrible mess with no way of changing the past.

You need to forget the om. He's a fantasy. Another poster made a good point that of course it's easy and lovely when it's just the two of you. I imagine you would have never cheated on your dh when it was just the two of you? So many affairs happen when children come along - finances are tighter, lives are more busy and generally more stressful.

You say that the OM will not leave his wife for 'us'. If you can't see clearly through your emotions, think of your children. They are innocents in this. Imagine them living with you and the om trying to play happy families? All because their mummy got carried away with a fling. Please think about them. They may never forgive you.

How is your relationship with your dh now? You do have someone to talk to - your husband. The problem is it's gone on for 3 years which many people would struggle to forgive. How often did you used to meet with om? Weekly, monthly?

It's a real difficult situation but he may forgive you. But only go down that route if you want to. If the OM asked you to be with him now, if you would say yes then leave your husband. But please think of your children.

1DAD2KIDS · 17/10/2017 18:57

I'm not trying to be judgemental. I believe that good people do bad things. The world is not black and white, neither are humans. I see often hero's and villains can be the wrapped up in the same person. We are not one dimensional and have different moral compasses. For the record I don't think your worse than Adolf Hitler. But we all responsible for the actions we take in life and likewise how we deal with them. What I am concerned about is your poor husband and yourself. I really see your actions and the future actions your thinking about as both a future abuse of your husband, your family and in away a self abuse in that this is not the way to fix your problems.

As a side note your thread has helped me understand my ex wife's actions, her mind-set and why its a good thing that we did not get back together and important that I continue to resist her advances now life has turned out shit for her.

If I may deconstruct things a bit. Its not impossible to think you may have some feelings for your husband. You married him, you must have loved him once and by your own admission he's a good egg. There is an argument that ignorance is bliss and I understand that argument (although I feel that this continued deceit is so wrong). But how convenient that continuing this deceit also serves you? Are you really protecting the ones you love or protecting yourself? I understand the fear of:

Being alone,

The shit storm it will cause with friends and family,

The total destruction of all that is familiar over all these years,

Worries of how the kids will chose to judge your betrayal in the future,

The potential economic loss (or possible gain depending how you play the courts if he is the bigger earner with bigger assets, I sincerely hope you are fair to DH),

To be fair the is a very good chance that you could end up in a far less comfortable, lonelier and generally worse off place as a result of coming clean. But isn't it time to start doing the right thing by the innocent victims in all of this? I know by the way despite it being the moral and kindest thing you can do for DH the above is not selling the idea. But this could be the start of a new and ultimately better future for you in the long run. A chance to make a clean break, sort your self out and hopefully not repeat the mistakes of the past.

The way it looks at the moment DH is plan B and you are continuing to take him for a mug. I cant see any genuine will to fully commit to your relationship with him. Just to hang a round playing happy families until the next knight comes to sweep you off your feet and rescue you from your marriage. It is very disrespectful to your marriage and your husband, although I do understand why you would in protection of your own interests. But I think your husband deserves the truth and not to be taken for a complete mug by you hanging on to your marriage in a very parasitic way until the next best offer comes along. Does he not deserve to having someone who truly respects him and is dedicated to a future with him?

swingofthings · 17/10/2017 19:18

OP, you're being very honest with everyone and yourself, it takes a lot of mental strength to do so. You are a clearly a strong person.

I agree that it is much easier to fall into the trap of an affair when you feel emotional vulnerable and in a desperate need of attention, rightly or wrongly.

One thing I don't think you've mentioned is how do you think your DH is likely to react if/when you tell him? Because this clearly is what will make the difference between whether you can work it or not.

Also, looking back at what was missing in your marriage, do you think it is something that you had before but then having young children etc... took it away, or was it never there? You say you didn't try hard enough to work on this, do you think things could have gone back on track if you had? Do you think it can do so now?

I have to say too that I am puzzled how you could manage an affair for 3 years without your DH having any suspicions unless you saw each other only rarely or you ended up living a very separate life, in which case, could the relationship be long dead?

rosabug · 18/10/2017 21:58

Yep - I'm gonna burn you a little. Grow up. Affairs are generally lala land. The time in hours he has spent with you are nothing compared to his wife. Escapism - that's all it was, for both of you. Tell your poor poor husband and let him have the facts about his life so he can decide what to do. You are been cruel. I have been on the other side and finding out someone has kept you in the dark for years is dreadful. You feel like someone, the person you most loved has stolen your years and chucked them in the bin. Have some integrity and respect and confess everything and accept the consequences like a human being and cease being a liar. The lowest of the low.

NotAgainYoda · 19/10/2017 06:06

Good post 1DAD2KIDS

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 19/10/2017 22:46

op just to let you know I have been thinking of you. a few days on I really hope you're feeling stronger, it must be aweful to have to hide a broken heart from everyone. It sounds like you fell truly in love with this man rather than setting out to have an affair. Whatever you decide big hugs it really will be ok in the end

isthismylifenow · 24/10/2017 07:09

Broken

How are you doing?

BrokenandEmpty · 24/10/2017 07:59

Thank u everyone who has replied with advice and your own experiences - I am grateful.
Iwanttobe8stoneagain and isthismylifenow - I'm ok. sort of. Secondchancesaloon asked lots of questions and I've been trying to figure out in my mind what the honest answers are and actually, the honest answers all hurt so much. One poster told me that they thought I should take an honest hard look at myself and I did - I sat in front of the mirror and cried for hours because the answers to all of those questions are awful. I've done an awful thing - I've hurt my husband, hurt my children and wrecked my marriage. I am in love with the other man and the rejection is heartbreaking. Before anyone says it again, I have taken onboard everything about telling my h and I will. I think he will still want us to stay together to work it out but at the moment I just cant;t see how people get over their own affairs in their mind. Even when your marriage has survived, how you stop thinking about your affair and that person you gave everything to. I just don't know if I'll ever stop thinking about him. I don't know how anyone who has been in long physical and emotional affairs recovers their own feelings for there husband /wife. it feels impossible.

OP posts:
WizardOfToss · 24/10/2017 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Primamadonna · 24/10/2017 09:49

Its not impossible - it's a grieving process so it takes time - give it time and don't try to rush your processing of all this. Put your energy into the kids, that is a worthwhile use of your love and attention. Try to build up your life and friends.
When you enter into an affair, it is essentially a lie from the start, you are with someone who is unfaithful - so why would you expect honesty and loyalty from someone who essentially fucks around ?
I think you have to go NC, I have no doubt it will otherwise go on for years and you'll be left with nothing except guilt & regrets.
At the minute you simply can't believe your feelings aren't reciprocal - but they aren't so stop torturing yourself, it's only made worse because it's an affair. There's no shame in being alone, sometimes clarity can only come from a bit of solitude.

I wish you luck with your decision, but I wouldn't waste anymore time over this. He might come back - but only when his wife tells him to finally fuck off. Then he would only be with you by default, so it's a lose lose situation OP Confused

BackInTheRoom · 24/10/2017 10:28

OP, many chemical are involved in an affair:

brainworldmagazine.com/the-neuroscience-of-infidelity-flame-addiction/

BackInTheRoom · 24/10/2017 10:43

And finally this:

aboutaffairs.com/2016/03/what-happens-to-the-brain-during-an-affair/

queencerulean · 24/10/2017 12:57

I haven’t read the whole thread and I don’t intend to. Just stop your pathetic whining and focus on your children. You are both bastards.
I say this as someone who has just found out that h has been having an affair.

london123987 · 24/10/2017 14:08

Read your last post back, then imagine this was someone you were married to and the father of your children writing this about you.

I cannot imagine how awful I would feel if my husband was writing this about me, but I certainly know that I would want this information so that I could choose to move on and find someone who loved and respected me.

You spend the first half talking about how awful you know you are, but then it goes back to being all about you and how sad you feel for yourself.

If you feel how you have said you feel, you need to tell your husband the truth and give him a choice as to whether or not he wants to be on a relationship with someone who loves someone else.

The fact of the matter is plain to see - you aren’t telling him because you are scared he will leave you, what your children will think of you and other such consequences.

You need to tell him. The longer you like, the more horrible person you become. Just stop behaving like a spoilt, selfish, brazen teenager and act like the adult, married, mother you are.

BrokenandEmpty · 24/10/2017 15:35

Thank you all.
Bibidee -thank you for the links. London- yes what you say is true

OP posts:
BeyondNoone · 24/10/2017 16:11

This sounds so familiar that I wonder if the sexes were reversed for it..?

Anyway. You need to tell your partner the truth. Anything less is disgustingly disrespectful.

lou8719 · 24/10/2017 16:17

The only way you will get through this is no contact at all . Block him on everything and avoid where he is going to be . Iv been in the same situation and even tho I had strong feelings for the other person I was not going to leave my boyfriend . I just couldn't . Now we are very happy . It's been a year and I have no feelings what so ever for the other person . Which I never thought I would be a able to say x

lou8719 · 24/10/2017 16:19

The only way you two will be together is if his wife throws him out and then he will be back with you like a flash but you will be second best then he will always go running back and he will do to you what he done to his wife x

callthemidwife17 · 24/10/2017 17:02

He has to leave for himself. You have to go no contact . Block him on everything . I went no contact for three months . He had already left ex but refused to commit to me but the no contact brought him back to me fully committed to us . Everything changed because he got a taste of losing me and couldn’t cope with that .