Affair advice please (only those who've been in affairs themselves please)

[BrokenandEmpty]

Please don't judge me - I need advice and help not to be told how awful I am which I already know.

I am married with two young children and had had an affair with an also married man who has children. Our affair started three years ago, both unhappy in our marriages where we were missing the spark and not feeling loved but knew neither of us was investing in our marriages either. I hate writing and saying this but for me, it was like sharing life with a roommate and nothing more. For MM I know it was the same and our affair spiralled out of all control and over the last few of years I have fallen completely in love with him. His wife found out and forgave him but their marriage was even worse and we tried so many times to stop but we haven't been able to at all. I don't doubt that he loves me but we decided that we couldn't do this to our children - couldn't ruin there lives for our selfishness. We tried but failed and we resumed our affair and decided we were both so miserable without each other so started to take steps to leave our marriages in a way that would cause the least pain to both our spouses - to anyone who hasn't had an affair I know that reads pathetically.

Despite this, he completely broke down and told his wife that he is in love with me. But this is the killer - he didn't tell her he wants us to be together and is now staying to work on his marriage. I am so confused and heartbroken - on the one hand he and I started to plan our life together and now this.

For those of you that have been in this position, did you tell your husband about your affair even if it meant not being with the OM?

Will he ever actually leave his wife? She has forgiven him again and is now even more loving and does everything he asks.

I need to get over this don't I? He is never going to actually leave for us is he? I am completely devastated by the extent to which I've ruined my own marriage which feels irreparable. And I am even more devastated by the fact that it's come to this point and he is staying. He said his marriage will "probably end now anyway" but that shouldn't be enough to keep me hanging on or enough for me to completely devastate my husband by telling him now should it?

I haven't told anyone at all about any of this and I'm a complete mess inside. I think I just need to talk to anyone who has been through this and what you did. What happened? Did your MM leave? If not, how did you get over it? Did you tell your husband everything or just keep going with this enormous shameful secret? It's just too much to bear and the weight of it all is crushing me.

Hi OP, I wasn't sure if I should post or not as wasn't sure it would help...but it might, so here goes.

Twenty years ago, I was married with young dcs, but I fell in love with someone who was also married with young dcs. It was the most gut-churning heart-wrenching thing I've ever experienced. I loved my DH and respected him. I could never have actually slept with OM because of that. And my own mentality would never have coped with sleeping with one man while being married to another, still wouldn't these days. I'm not judging you, just saying I'm different.

But my feelings were so powerful for OM that they took over my life. About six weeks of this torture nearly undid me, and I was unable to live and behave normally so I told my dh, as he knew something wasn't right. He was gutted.

Because I'd broken down crying that morning, DH had said we will talk in the evening. So during the day, I told OM I was going to tell DH everything that evening. He said he should tell his dw too

DH and I talked for about four hours that night, which ended with me leaving to stay with a friend for the night, at dh's request.

I went and looked at my sleeping dcs before I left

At the friends house I totally lost it, devastated at what I'd done. No sleep. In the morning OM rang me at friend's to see if I'd done it and if I was ok. (I'd said I would probably end up staying there) I broke down and told him it just felt so wrong...that I was going to ring DH and see if he'd let me come back to talk. OM said he too had told his DW, she chucked him out and he had spent the night in his car.

I ended up going back to my DH and leaving OM totally in the lurch. DH said I could go and meet OM that day to tell him it was over and that I was staying with my DH. He said but don't be too long. Must have been agony for him.

For both of them it was agony, for me it was agony, the guilt at what I was doing to both men was mind numbing and made me ill.

I went back to DH, tried hard, went to relate, but eight months on, we ended our marriage. I had ruined it for both of us. And I still loved OM. Split without knowing if I would end up with OM.

Because of my guilt, cowardice and indecision I put all of us through hell for eight long months. And my DH wasn't, thank goodness, having a breakdown. If he had have been, I may well have stayed, as I couldn't have lived with myself. (Thinking of your OM's situation)

DH2 (OM) and I are still very happy together 20 years later. We have been together longer now than with our first spouses. But it nearly didn't happen.

I realise it is a bit different to your situation, but when I failed to leave because I just couldn't bring myself to, my OM never pressured me. I would say right that's it I can't see you or speak to you, I'm staying with my DH etc, he was gutted, but he let me go. He loved me enough that he truly wanted me to do whatever I thought was best for me.

Your OM can't do this. For his dcs, for his dw's mental health, he just can't. Maybe he thought he could, but when it comes down to it he can't bring himself to hurt them all over again. Respect that about him, however much it hurts. You need to be honest now and sort out your own marriage. That's all you can do.

I'm sorry you're going through this dreadfully painful experience. And I cannot even imagine what three years of this has done to you all. It is time to repair yourself. That's actually all you can do. As long as OM is with his wife you need to not be in contact with him. Or you will suffer even more. If he is decent he won't see you now anyway, if he truly wants things to work with his dw. If you truly love him you need to wish him well and let him do what he needs to do, agonising though that is.

Thank you Fantastic - all the things you say are right and I won't contact him - I know I have to let him go which I will. Now I need to focus on my husband and what might be left of my marriage and most importantly my children. It just all feels so broken and I feeling like I'm grieving the loss of so many things - the man I loved, my marriage which will never be the same, possibly losing raising my children under the same roof as both parents. But one day at a time and I hope I'll find the peace that you and others who have been through this have managed to find.

He’ll do the same to you.

I find it quite sickening to read posts about hanging on in there, because the AP finally left their DP after so many years... therefore you CAN get your happy ending!!?!!
Choosing to stay with your dp for another 5 years 'for the kids' is just heaping further betrayal on the original relationship, deliberately. (Not if dp agrees, obviously, but I seriously doubt they ever know the full truth at this point. ) Intentionally disrespectful and disgusting behaviour. Don't you think it damages DC relationships even further when they find that out?

You don’t have to let him go in some noble act of sacrifice op. You need to block and delete him for your own sanity. It’s the only way you’ll cut out this problem

So how many times have you flip-flopped between breaking it off and getting together again? How many times has his wife found out and you’ve panicked about her telling your DH? How many hours have you spent awake in bed staring at the ceiling, feeling jealous that his wife and kids get to spend Xmas/go on holiday with him, all the time being ungrateful for those times with your own family? WAKE UP. Because if he comes back you you as you wish so badly, THIS WILL CONTINUE TO BE YOUR STORY. Something has to change, because otherwise you’re just going to continue to get hurt and cause irreparable damage to the other relationships in your life.

Now you are in the grasp of lust you think that the time you spend together is worth all of the above. If you are truly honest with yourself and take the rose-tinted glasses off you will see that this isn’t the case. Two things you said stuck out to me (I’ll paraphrase because I’m on the app):

• “he was the only person I’d ever been honest with”; one the most distressing things that you’ll come to realise is that this sentiment wasn’t returned. He’s told you what he needs to tell you in order to keep the sex-attention-excitement tap going. Just enough to keep you interested or get you back into his bed when life with his wife gets a bit dull. I don’t doubt that he cares for you in his own way, but he doesn’t care for you enough to leave his wife or stop damaging you by flitting back and forward in and out of your life. His wife might seem to be rather pathetic/overforgiving in your eyes, but I’m sure he will have to have given her something positive to indicate he’s willing to save their marriage after the second “big reveal”- you haven’t had the full story here.

• “he fulfilled everything that I was missing”; no, he didn’t. Whilst he might fill your veins with passion and make you feel alive and desirable, he couldn’t give you commitment or stability. Play it forward- if you left your partners do you honestly think it would be a completely idylic relationship? Or do you think that after a while you would have other needs that were being ignored, like emotional security or financial contribution? One of the reasons this is so heady and intense is that it’s forbidden. Remove that and combine it with his suspiciously non-commital and “anything for an easy life” attitude and I can guarantee you would not speak in such glowing terms.

I agree that this is an addiction and you need to approach it as such. Change your number/email address, tell him not to contact you and go to counselling. This situation is so not healthy but tbh from what you’ve said and how you’ve said it I don’t think you’re at the stage where the scales fall from your eyes. Believe me, they will.

Can't believe what an easy ride you are getting on here. Your behaviour has been horrendous. Your poor DH. For Gods sake tell the poor guy you once loved enough to marry and let HIM make the decision on what happens next. You forfeited every right to have a say when you betrayed him and your children so badly.

And no, he won't ever leave her because he doesn't love you enough to.

OP, be honest: if someone asked your husband about his marriage, about you and how he feels, what would he say? And if, as a cheating wife described downthread, his version was kinder, more loving, more generous than yours - what impact would that have on you?

So your eldest child is 7 and you have been having an affair for 3 years. That is 3 years of lying to them. Cheating on them. For your youngest that must be most of their life. I would be amazed if you DH doesn’t know and is choosing to ignore it. How you could find the time or energy for an affair with such young kids is utterly beyond me.

I feel so sorry for the kids in this whole mess. You really need to think about them now. Go NC with MM and work out what went so wrong with your marriage. You need to decide if it’s salvageable. Either way you will have to tell you DH - you can’t rebuild on -a foundation of lies and deceit.

Fantasticbuttocks - what a lovely romantic story......not.

Myheartbelongsto
If you have nothing nice to say, don't bother.

OP has already said she was after advice and other people's experiences. Some (like me) offered advive, others (like fantastic) have shared their experience.

What do you gain by coming on a thread purely to have a pop at people.
Affairs are horrible but the OP and other posters dont need telling that.

It seems to me that your intention (now you have realised it won't work with other man) is to hang around in that relationship without a genuine commitment to working on the future of your marriage. That is massively disrespectful to your DH. You are showing him and your marriage tottaly contempt by carrying on this charade while effectively continuing to betray him mentally. Not sure if you haven't got the guts to face the fallout or if your scared of being on your own or a lot of people not liking you any more (a lot of people don't like cheats) or you a scared of losing out financially? I think you are being very self centred. At the end of the day you are an adult, you made these choices, your not the victim of some kind of spell. You need to own this, take responsibility for sorting this mess out and the resulting consequences. End this cycle of lies, show some respect for family. Free your DH for someone that deserves him

Sometimes people learn lessons by affairs . They learn how their partners are often really the real deal that they love you so much would forgive you and stick by you . You learn that nobody is perfect . That trust is paramount and the commitment really does need to be honoured. There is no ‘one’ person out there that could be our partners so if you meet another one who you are attracted to you need to get the hell out of the situation as quick as possible . I think that as I said earlier you need to be lacking in self awareness or completely in love to be blinded by how selfish you are being . If it’s a really bad marriage then that’s different . I know that I need to work towards keeping myself happy rather than looking to someone else as that is more love addiction than real love .

Thank you all and thank you Maisypops.

For those who have stayed in their marriages after disclosure of the affair, is it possible for your marriage to recover?

There are a lot of websites that convincingly state that marriages can become stronger and better after an affair - is this actually true for you?

Or was the affair always there in the back of your mind clouding your marriage?

Once that trust was broken, did you ever get it back?

Broken

I thought so, but after 6 years I came to realize that I couldn't live the rest of my life like that. The trust was gone and for all I tried to kid myself that things were better (I thought things did get better for a while) they weren't. I chose to believe I could make things right by trusting again, and believing it wouldn't happen again. I was the one in hospital having the breakdown.

Websites will tell you what you are looking to see. If you google, marriages that have survived affairs, that is the responses you will get. If you google marriages that didn't, well, there will be all the information about that.

But its not down to Google, or us, or anyone else for the matter. It is down to your dh and you.

Yes, still to this day his affair haunts me. He said many things that made it obvious that he was comparing me to her. She was so many things I wasn't. Of course, that is devastating to hear.

As I mentioned, no, the trust is never the same again.

I am answering your questions as honestly as I can. I know affairs happen easier and more than we think/know. I am not judging you for what has happened, but I am answering these the only way I know how, as the cheated on wife. So this would be, I think, how your dh will be feeling.

I'm not sure why you're asking that TBH OP. Are you really committed to making you marraige work or is your DH just your fall back now that MM has bailed on you?

Another poster said this and I agree: "It seems to me that your intention (now you have realised it won't work with other man) is to hang around in that relationship without a genuine commitment to working on the future of your marriage."

This whole thread for you has been about the OM. Your DH has felt like an after thought and it's only now that you've started to realise that the OM isn't coming back, that you've suddenly thought "oh well, guess I should work on my marriage then".

Do you think your absolute fear of enduring up alone is leading all your other decisions here? Both about OM and what that actually was; and about DH?

It looks very much like that from here.

Op, if you could go back in time 3 years, what would you do?

Would you have avoided the om and tried to work on your marriage or would you still have had the affair?

If the om wanted to be with you now, would your answer change? Would you have avoided him and tried to work on your marriage? Or would you still have had the affair if it meant you would be with om now?

Believe it or not affairs can happen to good people

Oh FFS! Affairs don't just "happen", people choose to have them. They choose to spend time with the OW/OM that they should be spending with their families. They choose to stop investing any emotional energy in their current relationships.
Affairs are not romantic. They are sordid and destroy lives.

Tell your poor husband the truth OP. Do the decent thing for once and actually give him the choice of whether to continue being married to you or not.

OP, I'm not sure how a relationship can survive an affair that lasted 3 years. You must have told so many lies to your DH and your children in that that time. And not only that you choose to spend time with another man instead of your children who were presumably preschoolers/toddler/babies.

I could probably forgive my DH having sex with another woman for the sake of my children and my marriage. I couldn't forgive an affair that lasted as long as yours. I coldn't get past the lies and the betrayal I'm afraid.

You need to show some respect to your husband and let him make the decision.

affairs happen to good people

Just stop with this stupid saying. 😡😡

You can marry with pure intentions but fall out of love or not realise your incompatibility until too late. An affair is not the answer or inevitable.
Please just respect your h and work towards a positive co-parenting relationship only.

Yes!!!! This:

And not only that you choose to spend time with another man instead of your children who were presumably preschoolers/toddler/babies.

You have had the best of both worlds.

This man is not going to give his two kids up to live with your kids full time is he?

You don't have money either and love doesn't pay the rent

You have both only known each other in the context of lovers not parents and husband/wife. It's always lovely when it's just yourselves to think about!

Your marriage is dead in the water. Dead. It is only a matter of time before you are on your own

I'd be quite surprised if your husband didn't already know about the fact you carried on your affair

Seriously I do feel for you but come on woman give your head a shake. If you ever wanted to think about your kids the time is now.

Do you still love your dh? Can you imagine being content 5 or 10 years down the line?
If not, I'd get out now.

Some of you are such know all’s and judgmental too . I got the quote ‘ good people in good marriages ‘ from the back of the book by Shirley Glass . I was self aware enough to stop myself getting any closer to a man who I didn’t fancy when I realised I was getting attached to him . Nothing ever happened bar him becoming a good friend as I read self help books but I can see how people can slide into an all consuming affair . An affair could stop your partner taking you for granted sit up and realise you have to put some effort in . Both sides . Personally I could never look a DP in the eye if I had been unfaithful in any way but that’s just me .