Affair advice please (only those who've been in affairs themselves please)

[BrokenandEmpty]

Please don't judge me - I need advice and help not to be told how awful I am which I already know.

I am married with two young children and had had an affair with an also married man who has children. Our affair started three years ago, both unhappy in our marriages where we were missing the spark and not feeling loved but knew neither of us was investing in our marriages either. I hate writing and saying this but for me, it was like sharing life with a roommate and nothing more. For MM I know it was the same and our affair spiralled out of all control and over the last few of years I have fallen completely in love with him. His wife found out and forgave him but their marriage was even worse and we tried so many times to stop but we haven't been able to at all. I don't doubt that he loves me but we decided that we couldn't do this to our children - couldn't ruin there lives for our selfishness. We tried but failed and we resumed our affair and decided we were both so miserable without each other so started to take steps to leave our marriages in a way that would cause the least pain to both our spouses - to anyone who hasn't had an affair I know that reads pathetically.

Despite this, he completely broke down and told his wife that he is in love with me. But this is the killer - he didn't tell her he wants us to be together and is now staying to work on his marriage. I am so confused and heartbroken - on the one hand he and I started to plan our life together and now this.

For those of you that have been in this position, did you tell your husband about your affair even if it meant not being with the OM?

Will he ever actually leave his wife? She has forgiven him again and is now even more loving and does everything he asks.

I need to get over this don't I? He is never going to actually leave for us is he? I am completely devastated by the extent to which I've ruined my own marriage which feels irreparable. And I am even more devastated by the fact that it's come to this point and he is staying. He said his marriage will "probably end now anyway" but that shouldn't be enough to keep me hanging on or enough for me to completely devastate my husband by telling him now should it?

I haven't told anyone at all about any of this and I'm a complete mess inside. I think I just need to talk to anyone who has been through this and what you did. What happened? Did your MM leave? If not, how did you get over it? Did you tell your husband everything or just keep going with this enormous shameful secret? It's just too much to bear and the weight of it all is crushing me.

Affairs thrive is secrecy and excitement so no wonder neither of you worked on your marriages! Maybe that's why your AP is making a go of his marriage because the affair on his behalf, is in the open, his wife now knows. You need to tell your poor DH and leave him. Oh and btw, I have absolutely no sympathy for you, I just feel sorry for your kids.

I've been the cheater and been cheated on, I thought I would share my thoughts.

I agree with what everyone else is saying, no contact is the only way. Try playing candy crush or the likes for five mins when you get the urge to text him. I know it hurts (have been in a very similar situation) and I know you feel like your world is ending, but the reality he won't leave his wife, you're second choice you need to get angry about that. Work on yourself and find a relationship (either your DH or otherwise) that isn't based lies, because no matter how much you kid yourself on there could be no fairy tale ending. You cheated because yeah your marriage may of been in a bad place, but clearly you were to and if you don't address that then you will cheat again, and I'm afraid to say so will the MM. You would spend the entirety of your relationship wondering if he was cheating on you! The relationship solved a problem for the both of you, it was a crutch. I'm not minimising your love but I'm saying love doesn't wipe out the hurt and lies, and it will drive you crazy.

I'm in a relationship now that's wonderful, a place 5 years ago I didn't think was possible, but that's because I'm a better version of myself.

I hope you find some peace in yourself X

never understood why a man would trade his own kids for someone elses who I guess he has never met!

His wife had a total nervous breakdown.

And you trying to make her have another one?

Can you STOP thinking about yourself for a moment and try thinking of his wife, your husband and all of the children? How many lives do you want to ruin, just so you can carry on with this "relationship"?

You're behaviour is disgraceful.
Get some help so you can stop being so fucking selfish and deluded.

Thank you manicmumday1 for advice that is helpful.

Ifyougodowntotheowoodstoday - I know my behaviour has been disgraceful and I don't need you to tell me that to.
I am ashamed enough as it is and not having a single person to talk to, I came here to ask those who had been in the same position, not how they carried on with the relationship but how they got over it. How they told their husbands and how they picked up the pieces from the mess they had made and got back some level of self-esteem.

You do have a person to talk to. The same person you should have talked to four years ago. Your husband.

Picking up on what manicmumday said, this You would spend the entirety of your relationship wondering if he was cheating on you! isn't always true, I don't feel that way, but it makes sense that it often is the case.

And this ...but I'm saying love doesn't wipe out the hurt and lies, and it will drive you crazy. is absolutely key. I was hurt lots of times but it was my choice to stay in the situation and I believe my now DP never lied to me. I don't hold any of what happened against him. Unless you would be able to do this whilst remaining true to yourself then you would be on a hiding to nothing.

You're still deluding yourself! Youve asked in your OP and several times in the thread "will he ever leave his wife?"

You are stilll hoping he will leave his wife and come back to you.

Stop lying to yourself.

You do have a person to talk to. The same person you should have talked to four years ago. Your husband.

THIS.

MM is the first person you've been completely honest with about everything - so you've never been completely honest with your husband, but you married him anyway? That's a lot of deception.

Be honest with the man, yes you will feel miserable and guilty but that's entirely natural. MM can do that and so can you. If your H wants to make things work he can help you avoid temptation.

OP I really would urge you to find some RL support. Have you got a non judgemental friend who could help? If not I second a professional councillor. It's important for you to be able to explore your feelings and thoughts about where you want to go without the added pressure of justifying yourself. Anyone can make a mistake, affairs have and will always happen not everyone who ends up in one is a bad person. Yes you will always get the serial cheaters but most end up in affairs because of circumstances. Ask yourself, would you have an affair with anyone else, or was it the draw of this particular man? Now this man is out the picture, and for your own sanity you need to make sure he is permanently out the picture, do you see a good future with DH? If yes, address the issues with your partner. Absolutely no point confirming his suspicions if you are committed to moving on. I really hope you find some peace over this

Just want to send you lots of hugs, I’m in the same situation. X

You could go to him and clearly declare your undying love, state this is it for You, He is the one, you need to be together and if he ever, truly, honestly loved you now is the time. Give him an ultimatum and blow everything out of the water in true dramatic style. What if he still picks her?? Which is the probability.
Or
You could realise he doesn't love you enough to leave his family. Show some self respect and walk away with dignity and in the nicest possible way... get over it.

I can't imagine a happily ever after marriage for us but plenty of people stay in mediocre marriages

That’s truly depressing. If you can’t have a happy relationship with your husband; if both of you will be settling for the mediocre; this will happen again.

You do need to see this for what it was - his wife nearly had a breakdown; this isn’t a sexless marriage for her like it is for you, his marriage sounds nothing like yours even from your own admission that it’d be a relief if your DH had been having an affair. He won’t be your knight in shining armour.

thank you ClosingDate and Mummyretired.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain - no one - I have no independent friends of h. I will look into counselling as I do need to talk to someone in real life. Talking here has been helpful though. I would never have had an affair with anyone else at all and I never thought I was the type of person who'd fail like this.

MM is the one I love and he was everything that was missing in my life - even if I have been deluded. What ive got from everyone here is that I need to think about what it is I want and what is best for my children and if it doesn't mean staying in my marriage then I shouldn't hurt my h by telling him but if it is a life wit him then I need to tell him so that the future isn't weighed down by this lie which I know isn't fair on him.

You could go to him and clearly declare your undying love, state this is it for You, He is the one, you need to be together and if he ever, truly, honestly loved you now is the time. Give him an ultimatum and blow everything out of the water in true dramatic style

You could make it extra-convincing by telling your husband everything and asking for a divorce first. But then you would might end up with nothing, and let's face it, you don't love or trust the OM enough to risk that.

BrokenandEmpty I’ve sent you a PM.

thank you Chosenone but I can't do that. He has decided to stay put and I have to respect it and get over the last few years. Unless we are both single, this has to be the end and he has already shown that he doesn't love me enough and if im honest I can't cope with him rejecting me a second time.
Anchor - the more I read what everyone says im starting to feel that his marriage probably was n't quite like he said it was which doesn't matter now anyway.

You should tell you H whether you decide to try or not. This isn't a drunken one night stand that you instantly regretted, it is years of lie upon lie upon lie, of emotional cruelty and absence. Do you really think he's never suspected something was up? And these things ALWAYS come out eventually - how terrible to negotiate the end of your marriage in the belief that you were jointly responsible and should try to treat each other decently then find out that actually your ex had checked out years before to fuck someone else.

Your H has a right to know what has been going on in his life. He has the right to make decisions for himself in full knowledge of the facts. If you'd an iota of affection or respect for him you would tell him. But you only care about yourself.

Have you thought that maybe he hasnt told his wife that he loves you and was going to leave her for you? I know you say she said that to you but if i found out my DH was having an affair and i assumed he wasnt telling me the truth a tactic would be to confront the OW and tell her that DH had said things either to get her to refute it or admit what DH wasnt prepared to admit. I do think you should consider that this happened and use this to reaffirm in your head that he chose her.

Please consider your children.

I have never been in an affair myself but would like to share my family's story. My granddad cheated on my grandmother throughout their (50 years +) marriage with multiple women. She found out several times and left at one point, but for some reason they ultimately stayed together. She then died a couple of years ago, and my granddad is still with his mistress that he must have known now for about 30 years. He never left his wife for her and she will never be part of our family. He spends all Christmases and important occasions with his children, and lives close to them on his own; she is never invited. If it had been a new partner, she would of course have been welcomed, but it feels inappropriate that she would play happy families with us. I don't know what on earth he has been telling her to keep her on the side for so long. I don't know if she knows she was not the only one. I am sorry for your situation but he has decided to stay with his wife and I think you are wasting precious time waiting for him. If he loved you he would have left a long time ago.

Hi I think some people are giving you a hard time . Believe it or not affairs can happen to good people . There is a book not just friends by Shirley glass that explains a lot . I think being in love can be a vey selfish emotion it makes you blind to anyone else’s pain . Real love is when you choose to put your partners feeling first and not many people can do that and our society certainly encourages us to go after what feels good . I had a close friendship with someone where we got too close basically we both had never felt good enough and made each other feel like we were enough . I was never unfaithful though felt guilty enough just being close friends .I realised my problem is low self esteem and depression not my long term partner and father of my child fault. When he saw me getting close to someone else the way he had behaved had made me realise he genuinely loves me. He just wanted me to be happy whether that was with him or without him . Inbox me if you want someone to chat to privately.

"How can he flip from being so in love with me and so committed to a life together to this. I don't understand how his wife has forgiven him so readily too and how all of a sudden he is fine and happy without us."

Forget about those questions. Those are two other people and their motivations and reasons don't matter. Your motivations and reasons do. What do you want now? How are you going to achieve it.

I am sorry for your pain but you have to accept the facts as they are and move on asap,

Good luck x

Re this :"he completely broke down and told his wife that he is in love with me". This may not be true. It might be his attempt to sugarcoat the pill that he is ending the affair and going to stay in his marriage. Affairs can make people lie - to everyone.

OP I think the problem is that when you've been living with the lies of an affair for a long time you start to build up a whole facade of lies to prop up the version of reality that you want to believe...that he is the love of your life, that he's chosen his wife for totally honourable reasons not because he's a slimeball, that your marriage was over years ago. Rewriting history if you like, except that you start to believe it yourself.

If a friend told you about a man like your MM you would roll your eyes and tell her he's a knob and he was never going to leave his wife. But because you have created this alternative realty, you'll swallow any bullshit to shore that up.

You need to look yourself square in the eye (something I suspect you haven't done for quite a long eyes) and be honest with yourself, about yourself and about the MM and your relationship with him.

Good luck OP.