Affair advice please (only those who've been in affairs themselves please)

[BrokenandEmpty]

Please don't judge me - I need advice and help not to be told how awful I am which I already know.

I am married with two young children and had had an affair with an also married man who has children. Our affair started three years ago, both unhappy in our marriages where we were missing the spark and not feeling loved but knew neither of us was investing in our marriages either. I hate writing and saying this but for me, it was like sharing life with a roommate and nothing more. For MM I know it was the same and our affair spiralled out of all control and over the last few of years I have fallen completely in love with him. His wife found out and forgave him but their marriage was even worse and we tried so many times to stop but we haven't been able to at all. I don't doubt that he loves me but we decided that we couldn't do this to our children - couldn't ruin there lives for our selfishness. We tried but failed and we resumed our affair and decided we were both so miserable without each other so started to take steps to leave our marriages in a way that would cause the least pain to both our spouses - to anyone who hasn't had an affair I know that reads pathetically.

Despite this, he completely broke down and told his wife that he is in love with me. But this is the killer - he didn't tell her he wants us to be together and is now staying to work on his marriage. I am so confused and heartbroken - on the one hand he and I started to plan our life together and now this.

For those of you that have been in this position, did you tell your husband about your affair even if it meant not being with the OM?

Will he ever actually leave his wife? She has forgiven him again and is now even more loving and does everything he asks.

I need to get over this don't I? He is never going to actually leave for us is he? I am completely devastated by the extent to which I've ruined my own marriage which feels irreparable. And I am even more devastated by the fact that it's come to this point and he is staying. He said his marriage will "probably end now anyway" but that shouldn't be enough to keep me hanging on or enough for me to completely devastate my husband by telling him now should it?

I haven't told anyone at all about any of this and I'm a complete mess inside. I think I just need to talk to anyone who has been through this and what you did. What happened? Did your MM leave? If not, how did you get over it? Did you tell your husband everything or just keep going with this enormous shameful secret? It's just too much to bear and the weight of it all is crushing me.

You'll feel heartbroken and sad but that will gradually turn to anger and the scales will fall from your eyes.
He fed you a load of BS to get some exciting sex on the side. I'm sure he told you his marriage was unhappy and he wasn't sleeping with his wife. Of course he was.

You must realise that was all rubbish. He would have left her if he wanted to and now he's been caught out, he'll do anything to stay with his wife.

Please don't continue meeting up with him. He'll continue to string you along by filling your head with ideas of love and commitment.

You sound unhappy in your own marriage. You don't need another man as a reason to end it.

I wonder if your marriage is as bad as you think (pre affair). Isn't it quite normal to lose the spark once routine sets in and day to day life takes over? It can be hard to find together when children come along.

Was your marriage really bad? Did you ever make any effort? Date nights etc?

Unfortunately, by investing all your time and effort with the om, your marriage never stood any chance of success.

Your affair with your mm is just a fantasy, if you got together in real life it would probably become stale very quickly.

Do you still love your husband?

No no no

Having tried no contact countless times over the past 3 years I don't have any faith in myself anymore not to respond to him or otherwise initiate myself. Just have to keep on trying.

You’re lying to yourself and your avoiding taking responsibility - you may as well say “oh I just can’t help myself - he should be with me - it’s all so unfair”

You have lied over and over again for something that is not real - no relationship constructed on deceit is real or true - you haven’t met his family or his friend, you haven’t rushed to the hospital for an accident, you haven’t decided what financial priorities you will make together ... and ten thousand other shared experiences that people in a real relationship have and rely on to determine if they are a good long term match - you have a sordid physical sexual relationship and a lot of lust fueled by the secrecy of it all - you don’t have anything that is real and true and honest

So stop the entitled, self pitying view that you can’t possibly help yourself or control yourself and go “no contact” - it’s just not true - of course you can go no contact - you just have to stop lying to yourself about what you really had with him

I'm devastated and thought he was the one I was going to grow old with ... How can he flip from being so in love with me and so committed to a life together to this. I don't understand how his wife has forgiven him so readily too and how all of a sudden he is fine and happy without us.

I'm sure his wife felt the same, you know when they got married and everything. You say you can't believe how his wife can forgive him yet you talk about waiting on the sidelines for him to disrespect his wife again and crawl back to you, how is that any different other than the fact that she is trying to salvage what's left of her marriage and family (albeit to an utter creep) whilst you are eagerly waiting to destroy two families.

If you don't want to be with your husband then leave him and give him the chance to be happy with a woman who loves him as he deserves rather than just be your safety net.

Do yourself the biggest favour you can and make sure that he has absolutely NO way of contacting you. Change your mobile number, email and even your house phone if you need to. He's going to bounce back and forwards for years unless you put a stop to it. She will always have more of a hold on him than you ever will. You're going to grieve and fall to pieces over it, so you need something to focus on and keep you sane - exercise like another PP said. Dealing with your marriage needs to wait until you are in a much better place mentally. Don't be too hard on yourself, we don't always get it right but carrying this on is going to damage you far more than walking away. But you have to end it.

It was never a matter of your relationship vs his current life. He always wanted your relationship PLUS his current life.

When forced to choose, he chose his current life. It’s probably meeting about 70% of his needs, and you were meeting the other 30%.

He was never going to give up his current life - his marriage was and is only a small part of that.

You WILL get over this, although it doesn’t seem like that right now.

He has had his cake and eaten it.
He had a choice. He chose her.
Don't try and defend why he chose her and how he could really have chosen you. He chose her.
It's going to hurt. You seem to be in denial. Next the anger will come, don't direct this at them and try to spoil their relationship, that's proper bunny boiler stuff!
You need to put your big girls pants on, woman up and get on with your life. It would be fairer to leave your husband and make a good life on your own too.

Players only love you when their playing. Fact

You called his bluff and he was too scared to walk away. I do not blame him - imagine the shame and embarrassment and that's before you rip your children's home apart

Your poor husband- how he must have been starved emotionally and physically for the past three years!

This man has chosen his kids and wife. If you had a shred of decency in you - you would give them this opportunity

I doubt it will work though - she will eventually come to her senses

You and the wife are doing the Pick Me dance and the man is benefiting from it and his ego is enjoying it. This could go on for 3 more years.

You have to cut him off until he files for divorce. Even then, he will continue to fuck both of you as long as he can get away with it.

The mind trick game you can play with yourself in order to cut all contact now is to say to yourself - "This isn't the right time for this relationship - maybe at some point in the future when both of us are single, we can be together." So, it isn't no contact forever. It's just no contact now, while he is married.

If you continue to be just his side gig, that is all you will ever be, which is not enough for you and will be continually painful. His wife is obviously on-board with the marriage despite his infidelity, so he will find a new side gig, some woman content enough to be part-time. The wife will keep looking away pretending not to notice as many wives do.

If you two are truly meant to be together, he will ultimately divorce and search you out. You don't need to be standing on the side of the road the entire time waiting for him to toss you some crumbs. From what I have seen a man will sometimes leave a marriage when the mistress dumps him. That's when he realizes which woman he would rather be with long-term. While he has access to both women, he will keep both relationships going - usually with passive consent from both women. Take a stand. Just say No. And in a perfect world, both you AND his wife would tell him to Fuck Off.

I'm sorry it's so painful. I think that a lot of the time it's about the kids, they don't want to leave them. I've seen this with a couple of really good friends who have had affairs. One of them was really in love with the other person but decided he couldn't leave until son was at uni. I sort of admire him for it but equally I don't know how he puts up with the emotional abuse that he does, guess he doesn't want to subject his son to that on his own.

I lost it - you are right and like other posters have said, I need to separate the affair and my emotions over this from the fact that my marriage has had problems for years (yes, completely made worse by my behavior and detachment). If we can't make our marriage work once I tell my h the truth then leaving has to be the right thing for both of us. Mrs Opinionated - do I love him? I care deeply for him and I never set out to hurt him at all. While there is love between us for our family, there isn't affection or interest in what the other is doing. We haven't had shared interests dates or anything that doesn't involve the kids since the eldest was born. But to be honest that was my fault - when I was busy and struggling with 2 children under 2 and when I felt I got nothing emotionally from h I stopped trying when MM fulfilled my emotional needs it was just easier to detach and stop fighting for it at home. Shameful and wrong I know now. But at the time, I was just grateful for the affection and love and someone listening to me and holding my hand sometimes.
Old guard - you are right. I don't think it's unfair - I deserve this and I'm not self-pitying. I'm just unimaginably sad that everything I thought and hoped for has fallen apart. Rightly or wrongly I fell in love with the wrong person.
Janeeyre70 and the stoic - thank you

I'm not going to do anything to harm his efforts to sort his life out. I posted because I'm devastated and had no one to share any of this with. I posted because I had hoped that someone would tell me something positive - that this has happened to them and that he came back for you. But I'm learning that it never works that way. I'll probably read these posts thousands of time until I convince myself just how much he used me.
Bubbling up- your mind trick is perfect for now, thank you. Do I tell him that from my perspective it's over? And I'm not here waiting for his crumbs? Or do I just stop the contact now totally? Despite how much I want to hate him, the pathetic stupid thin is that I'd do anything for him.

I don't think you should be too hard on yourself ( or other commenters who are being 'cruel' to be kind ! x)

I'm not judging, saw my bestie go through it & supported her fully.

I'm sure he's not as happy as you think & being human he must still have feelings for you & long for you ( esp if you were together for a number of years). As another commenter stated, many men do leave their wives, but for some it's not so easy esp if they are financially trapped, who knows the wife might be being very difficult.

People who have affairs aren't always b*stards or cheats, you can't help who you fall in love with & after all, when people have children, they don't love one child less than another, it is possible to love more than one person at the same time.

Anyone ever watch ' The Affair on Sky Atlantic' or even back in the day, ' Thorn Birds' ? Feelings/conflict/relationship are all very complex.

Its just not that black & white, yes you should focus on your life, you have so much going for you, but the fact he didn't leave his wife doesn't mean he thought/thinks of you any less.

Stay strong
x

I’m sorry that you’ve had a few negative responses. Nobody can possibly know what the reasons for cheating are and what a relationship between two people is like from a few details on an internet forum! I know of plenty of sexless marriages out there where people are only staying for the kids etc. I was in one for several years myself. We stayed together for financial reasons and for the kids. I also have a friend who has been having an affair for over 3 years; he tells me when he is with the OW he is truly happy but also that he won’t choose to leave for many reasons despite being unhappily married. He only has sex with his wife about once a year and they rarely spend any time together. There is an added complication in their situation which I won’t go in to but I don’t see why he would be lying to me about this! Yes, there are some MM who constantly cheat but in many cases it’s rarely black and white!
In your situation I think the advice to try to concentrate on yourself and move on is best. I know it must be difficult but if he’s going to realise what he’s lost then he might need time apart from you to do this. You can’t put your life on hold in the hope that this happens though.

Lexora must have posted while I was typing! Totally agree!

I would advise not contacting mm to say it's over, simply because you're too weak at the moment. You probably are holding on to the hope that he'll come running into your arms if you tell him that. I don't think in your head you've cut this off at all.

An affair quite often doesn't transition to a successful relationship anyway. Half the appeal is that it's not real life. There's no mundane drudgery, you're just presenting your best side to each other away from the pressures of normal boring life. Escapism. And of course a lot of it is founded on lies.

I'm not sure it is best to reveal all to your dh. Perhaps it will assuage your guilt. It might throw a hand grenade on what's left of your relationship.
Certainly think carefully and wait until you're not such an emotional wreck before you proceed.

Lexira and WeeMcBeastie - you understand don't you. We were both in loveless sexless marriages and staying for our children. I know many people will think that's just what he told me but I believed him. The fact he told his wife he loves me and was ready to leave means I don't doubt that he loved me and that he did want us to have a life together. It was that when faced with the ultimatum of life without his children - or at least it being made as difficult as possible for him - and I know stability (family and financial -neither of us are primary breadwinners) always weighed heavily on him. He chose the right thing for his children. And I have to accept that - which I will in time. Doesn't make it any easier right now though. I'm sorry.

I think you need to accept you have been used and lied to though in order to move on.

ILostIt- you're right and I need to pull myself together before I do anything at all - currently cant even think straight without floods of tears. The really stupid thing in all of this is that everyone always says affairs are based on lies - which they are. But MM was the only person I'd ever been honest with about everything. Stupid me

Take it day by day. It will get easier. It's not stupid to have believed what he said. I'm sorry you don't have anyone to speak to about this.

If he can do it to his wife and mother of his children then he's more than capable of doing it to you. Do you really want to get so emotionally invested in a cheating rat bag like that? He's clearly not trustworthy. What a mess.

Don't tell your husband OP, at least not now while you are in turmoil and not thinking straight.
You have to accept that your affair partner does not want to be with you and you are grieving for that.
If you tell your DH now it will cause him huge hurt and likely end your marriage, and you will then have to deal with his pain too, which is going to stop you from thinking clearly about the future.
Get some counselling for yourself to try and work out the way forward. You have a lot of thinking to do and It may well be that your marriage is not recoverable. It's not the end of the world and your children will cope. But speaking from experience, you need to give yourself some time to work through this. There is no point in beating yourself up and convincing yourself you are an evil person, to the exclusion of thinking clearly about what this is telling you.
I was unfaithful to my husband and confessed to him in an unplanned way. He was devestated. I was so overwhelmed by guilt that I ricocheted into trying to save the marriage. But from the moment I told him, it was effectively over. My husband was not a good husband to me, and with or without my infidelity the marriage was doomed. But the end of it would have been less painful for both of us if id taken my time and not rushed into a drunken confession.

Sorry OP I feel like I was a bit abrupt in my last post. He doesn't sound like someone you can rely on to be honest. As hard as it must be for you I think you need to try and move on from this man. Perhaps gives yourself a bit of space from him and focus on what you want assuming he won't be in the picture.

Tell your husband. It is his choice whether or not he wants to continue to be with you. No one else's. You lost any right to decide what happens when you started sleeping around.

If you tell your DH now it will cause him huge hurt and likely end your marriage, and you will then have to deal with his pain too, which is going to stop you from thinking clearly about the future

Sod the husband, then? What about his future? Why shouldn't peopl who have affairs have to deal with the pain they cause other people?

I agree with Ruby you're in a fragile state and this isn't the time to drop a bomb on Dh. You have small children that need you to be there for them. Cut yourself off from mm and grieve the loss of your imagined life with him first before making any other decisions.